hopeangel

i'm just so torn right now between what i want my relationship with my ah to be. the person i want him to be. and WHAT IS! how do you come to terms with this???

i so want him to love me and not hurt me. i want him to realize that i am much more important than alcohol ever will be.

i want him to see the light. i want him to stop drinking. he hasn't and doesn't want to. i want him to be a person with a "moral compass" as someone had said.

I want to forget every bad horrible thing he has done to me. i want to forget the person that it has made me.

i want, i want, i want, BUT as has been said before i think by lateeda "his actions are drowing out his words"

this all stems from a conversation i had with him last night. one in which, he told me that he will never be the man i want him to be and can never be, but if i could just accept him the way he is then everything would be okay and we could get along and a good marriage.

uggg, I don't like REALITY!!! the actions or what i know i want and need, just don't match the words or what is.

loverof1

I love it....if you can just accept that I wont be there for you emotionally, I wont hold you and love you and cherish you like I promised when I said "I do". I wont love you in sickness and in health, but you will be here for me until I drink myself to death and suffer while I do it.

Im angry today...can you tell? lol.

hopeangel

you should love my reply...

i told him i could not accept it because i know that he is capable of soo much more and for me to accept less than what i think he is capable of would be doing himself and myself an injustice.

i told him i could not accept 50% at best. i need 100%.

i told him i could not accept it because i want so much more for our marriage, for himself, and myself.

hbb

I know how that feels, i had this conversation last night with some friends and my brother is going through the same with his gf. He said to me "why can't she just be the way i want her to be", and for the first time i had a lightbulb moment, i said "because this is who she is and will be" WOW that sure did hit home and make me take a step back and realize that i was expecting the same exact thing!! I think for me, i went into the relationship with hopes that things would change. They were BAD when we met but i thought once the depression lifted and the drinking stopped we would have this fairytale life. BOY WAS I WRONG. It got worse once sober. The very last words i said to him were "I never thought that supporting you in sobriety would make you leave me".

I had the prince charming glasses on and wanted him to be the person i thought he should be. Now i think when i meet someone new, he will have to be like 90% of what i'm looking for instead of the 10% i had in J.

Sure know how you are feeling and i wish you the best with your AH, i've read and know how much you love him

LaTeeDa

You can have all those things you want, just not with him. Hanging on to a relationship with an alcoholic because you want a healthy relationship just doesn't make sense. It's very frustrating to shop at the hardware store for bread.

L

GiveLove

I'm so sorry, hopeangel.

So.......you would just be so happy if only he were someone completely different from what he is? What he has become?

I know this is hard. I've been through it too. Separating from a situation where you are never, ever, ever going to get the love you need and deserve, well, that's got to be the hardest thing there is. Perhaps you haven't yet admitted this to yourself. It might be easier for a total stranger to see.

Distancing yourself from the madness is the only way sometimes to find what's REALLY waiting for you out there. I know you love him a great deal, but you've GOT to try to love yourself even more.

I know with me, my X should be credited with making it very clear what I was not willing to tolerate in my one "wild and precious life." Without him, I never would've have seen it so clearly. I suppose I should be grateful to him for spelling it all out for me. You would recognize the description if I did.

It is hard to have faith that your higher power (whatever form it takes for you) might have something better in mind. We tend to cling to memories, hopes, and wishful thinking because the unknown is so d*mned scary.

Sending you hugs and strength in this tough time.

GL

prodigal

Based on what you're saying, I think you need to look at making some major decisions in your life, don't you? I'm sorry you don't like reality; I know it can look pretty grim when we're investing our energy in trying to make an addict see the light.

But you do have choices .... you can continue to ride the merry-go-round, be unhappy that you don't like the ride (and it ain't gonna change anytime soon, from what you're reporting), or you can accept life on life's terms and make good choices for yourself.

You want 100 percent. He has specifically told you, in terms that are not subject to negotiation from his perspective, that he does not want to change. He's telling you, in polite terms, to put up or shut up.

So what are you going to do with that?

keepingmyjoy

(((hope)))) I am so proud of you for stating what you wanted. The reality you are facing is really a tough one. Do the best you can at taking care of you while you decide if this reality is one you can live with.

My thoughts are with you. Hugs.

harleygirl92156

Maybe what you feel is 50% is 100% to him. You are heaping expectations on him that no one would try and live up to. Your expectations for him mean nothing, your expectations for YOURSELF are the only ones that matter at this point.

Accept him the way he is, stop trying to change him, stop expecting things from him and then feeling let down when he doesn't live up to those expectations. When you marry someone and that person doesn't live up to your expectations, it is easy to blame that person for not living up to what you expect, but the person that is really to blame is the one freely handing out expectations to OTHER people when they really have no right to do that.

Barbara52

Since you cannot change him and he doesn't want to change, as I see it, you have no choice but to accept him as he is. Reality is what it is. Now, accepting him for what he is does not mean that you accept that your life has to continue to be less than what you want for yourself.

So you don't accept what he has to offer. What are you going to do about that? What do you want for yourself? You can indeed change yourself and your life choices.

When I faced the same basic situation, I decided that I could not accept living with a man who was happy in his addiction and decided the best thing for me was to leave.

LaTeeDa

I love this!

Those damn glasses should be outlawed! I wore mine for almost 20 years. Lucky I could still see by the time I took them off!

L

LaTeeDa

Along with the three C's, there are also three A's:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

These occur in order because you cannot get to the second one without the first and the third one requires the first two. It sounds like you are on the verge of acceptance, but you are resisting it. Completely understandable.

It took me the longest time to wrap my head around the fact that I really had NO CHOICE when it came to acceptance. It was either acceptance or insanity. Action is the one where choices come in.

And the other thing I had a tough time with was accepting is not the same as agreeing, allowing, or condoning. I had to accept him for who he is, but that did not mean I had to continue living my life around him.

That song by the Rolling Stones comes to mind--
"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need"

L

denny57

I think he is giving his 100%.

I've come to love living in reality. Sometimes it sucks, but it's being mature, an adult, and I think it's grand, because the more I work at it, the more mature, adult people I'm bringing into my life.