shakarris

Hello - I am currently living with an A. He is wonderful when sober but then \i have read many threads you all know what happens.

I am doing well at not responding to his stupid remarks or angry outbursts but what I do not understand is the silent treatment. He is currently not talking to me for something he truly made up in his head and is so ridiculous my 15 year old son is having a hard time keeping a straight face around him. We are going on day 4

I am not talking either I should say but then what does one say when you know there will be no response. Is not initaitlng a conversation a good thing?

I mean really - I am at a loss

any words of wisdom from those who have travelled this road

shakarris

keepingmyjoy

I am sorry you are going thru this. I have just left my AH, and he used to like the silent treatment thing for the same nonsensical things. I can only tell you that in my situation, nothing I did changed anything since most of the time I couldn't figure out what his problem was. Just hang in there if that is what you feel is best. For me, I decided for myself and my son that I had to get out of tension he caused, so we left.

Have you tried Alanon? They are very helpful.

Welcome!

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us!

Sorry that you are going through this-keep reading posts and check out some stickies!

Have you considered going to counseling or even trying out an Al-Anon meeting? I know that both have helped me.

Keep coming back and posting and know that you are not alone in this!

shakarris

I have been to one f2f but was such a wreck. I did buy the courage to change and am reading it.

I am the adult child of an A so I know the pain. I just feel so dumb for getting into this when I just felt his words were lies - I have truly let alot of things go with his promises - I move on but I never forget.

With all they do to us ... if we reacted the way they do oh my - what a world this would be.

He just stormed out the door for work with not a word. I have a busy day ahead so maybe I can just put it away for now. I just wish I could learn to turn it all off but I know it takes time.

I cannot see my way out at this time - but guess I really need to figure out what to do. The one thing I have read is not to make any drastic changes for 6 months. Does this really work?

thank you for your kind words.. I am blessed to have found this site

shakarris

Barbara52

The recommendation for no drastic changes are, well its one of those take what you need, leave the rest sort of things. When I reached to the point where I could no longer tolerate living with my AH, I left and I will be filing for divorce when I can. There is no way my marriage can be salvaged.

niclove1027

Dear Shakarris ~ This is my first post on here, even tho I've read so many other posts. I am not living with an A but I love many. Brother, Mother, Father, Step-Father...and many many more.

I know what it's like to want to turn it off. To take it away. To make them better. I couldn't. I didn't even know it was happening until my world was in a sudden uproar...again....and again....

I'm blind to these things in the ones I love, and it's hurts that I never see it, but I know that even if I did, there's nothing I could have done about it. I know that the A has to find it in themselves to turn it off. They are the only ones with the power to do so. We only have the power to love them. Not stop them or the disease. I've gone to Al-Anon too and it didn't take. I guess I just needed to find another way. There is always another way for us. For them, for us, it's still one day at a time. And I thank God every day my beloved family is at least still here. I thank God every day that I'm still here.

We're in it together. Keep posting. Once I figure out how this site works, hopefully I'll find ya and see how you're doing. I'm lost on this site! Anyways, good luck and God bless.

good_luck

The "silent treatment" is a form of abuse.

Lilyflower

Hi Shakkaris!

I agree with good luck, its abuse. My abf has used it on me in the past. I would get all upset with the unjustness of it. It hurts to be treated that way when you know you haven't done anything wrong. I would get worse, I would find a trivial reason for him to be mad at me and start thinking I had acted terribly to him.

Its all just a game to keep you walking on egg shells around him, to keep you questioning your own actions, your own sanity, so they can keep you in their control.

Abf tried this again very recently when I purposely stopped enabling him. He went into a big sulk, wouldn't look at me, would leave the room whenever he was left alone with me, go straight to work without a 'goodbye'. On this occasion though I felt stronger from reading up here and taking a responsibility for me. I did exactly what your son is doing... I laughed it off. It was so childish and pathetic to me I couldn't help but giggling at him sometimes. I carried on enjoying myself, and ignoring him. He came around eventually. Would ask me to pass him something and I would reply 'Oh I thought you weren't talking to me? I must've been dreaming!', when he did start talking again properly I just let the whole thing pass and carried on as though nothing had happened. For me it was important to show him that his silly little games were not affecting me anymore (even though I hurt so much through it all). I could not even say afterwards 'your behaviour was annoying me this week' or anything because then he would know he had affected me.

I hope this helps you, I can only think to share what I have been through in a hope that it will give you inspiration.

All the best
lily xxxxxxxx

shakarris

Thank you .. yes it is abuse and I really do well that he not see it gets to me- I ignore him to. I do not try to talk to him just let him be.

Right now my son is the one holding me together. He is so sweet. He is living with us right now as my XH - is serving in Afghanistan and my two oldest just cannot look after themselves and him too. He makes me laugh and always a hug and an I love you. I know he can see into my soul and the pain but I smile back and tell him it will all be okay.

Me, I am stuborn. If he wants out he can just go... I am not leaving my home. He can try to make it as miserable as he likes. I am learnng the tools to work on me - I work from home so have alot of freedom to do things I want - when I want.

Just baffles me these people - all the saddness in the world and they purposely make things awful for the ones who love them most. As I learn to give it all away and not harbor resentment for his disease.. again time it will take.. I will live for today and enjoy what I have - try not worry about what I don't.

shakarris

shakarris

when you reply to him when he finally starts talking to you - what is his response.

I too am starting to stop covering his butt. He spends way more than he makes and I have always covered his share of the bills.. no more. I put a file together with 2 B paid on it, stick the bills in and it can sit there for all I care. He can see it - maybe he will get curious and one day open to see how bad off he really is.. or when the CC companies start calling him.

thanks for your share - it is nice to know we are not alone, crazy, insane although I would love for nobody to be meeting like this

enjoy the day

shakarris

Pony

Shakarris, Welcome to SR. I'm glad that you have already been reading many in this forum.

I currantly live with an A who has made the "silent treatment" an art form. I know how frustrating that can be. The silence usually is a form of manipulation to get your attention for whatever "their" reason is, and A don't usually really need a reason for their behavior. Whatever is in their own head/thinking.

It's basiscally up to you how much you are willing to put up with....how far you are going to let it go on before the relationship takes a slid downward to where it is unrecoverable. Some A's have been know to behave this way in hopes that the receipant will get fed up, break down and beg for them to stop all this and talk... let them know what it is and why they are acting this way.... manipulation !! Like a child who is not getting his way.

Anyway, give alanon an other try...it might helpful

Lilyflower

Shakarris,

my abf is currently attempting to stop. By that I mean he can not drink for a max of 3 or 4 days at present, then relapses a bit has a few to drink and then decides to stop again the next day. I have told abf that I come to a 'forum' (not the name of it though!) to talk to people who understand. He also knows that I am gradually telling my friends and not keeping his secret anymore. Things at home are changing at the moment. His hold on me is losing its grip and he can feel it. He has begun to take action for himself, going to the doctors and attempting this 'dry drunk' as best he can. It is not enough to get and keep him sober, but I am thankful that he has begun to act at last.

So.... this last attempt at the 'silent treatment' ended quite well. I came home from work one day and he was sober (had been ill for 3 days and got scared, took himself to hospital). He was very affectionate with me. Not sleezy like he has been when drunk, I felt as though he loved me. He always tells me he does, but I rarely FEEL it. He made me my dinner, brought me a cup of tea and has been almost 'normal' this last week. he seems to be realising the dynamics are changing. I hope this can be the beginning of recovery for both of us.

In the past when he was still very actively drinking. He would eventually forget he was supposed to be ignoring me and start talking again, or I would keep asking him what I had done wrong?? These 'silent treatments' usually ended up with him telling me that I needed to change my attitude, stop nagging at him, stop complaining all the time, that I had 'changed', I used to be fun, I never used to mind... Usually it all came back to being my fault, and I would accept it, even if I felt it wasn't true, just to get rid of the atmosphere. Then it would be a return to the routine of me finding him drunk, getting upset, feeling as though my needs/wants/necessities were being constantly ignored while I felt as though I was trying so hard to keep him happy. Back to denial and the rollercoaster.

I'm hoping that with my new found energy, love of life and the fact that I am leaving him to deal with himself, will mean that we won't have another 'silent treatment' episode, or that I will handle it like the last one.

Lily xxxxxxxx

Barbara52

For me, someone acting in such a childish manner would be yet another mark on the minus side of the should I stay plus/minus chart.

rawr_x

welcome to the site. hope it helps!