? For My Recovering A Friends
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
? For My Recovering A Friends
Okay, I'm so ashamed to even be asking this question because I've been judged by my...well, my one friend I told this to. But here's the thing...My XAH called today(yes! I answered the phone) and he is going into rehab for six weeks starting December 10.
The thing is, he wanted to know if I'd help him out by checking his mail, paying his bills(he'd leave me his checkbook), feeding the dog, etc...
My friend says that he is trying to manipulate me and that I will hinder what rehab is trying to do if I do this because he won't learn anything if he has me to fall back on....or something like that.
I'm torn because I think if he is going to rehab then maybe he does need some help with this stuff. This isn't court ordered rehab or anything. This is something he is doing on his own.
So, I'm calling on my recovering A friends (or anyone for that matter) to tell me, what's the right thing to do? Is helping hindering in this case?
The thing is, he wanted to know if I'd help him out by checking his mail, paying his bills(he'd leave me his checkbook), feeding the dog, etc...
My friend says that he is trying to manipulate me and that I will hinder what rehab is trying to do if I do this because he won't learn anything if he has me to fall back on....or something like that.
I'm torn because I think if he is going to rehab then maybe he does need some help with this stuff. This isn't court ordered rehab or anything. This is something he is doing on his own.
So, I'm calling on my recovering A friends (or anyone for that matter) to tell me, what's the right thing to do? Is helping hindering in this case?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
chero, when i know i need to be gone for awhile, i pre-pay what bills i can, call my creditiors and make arrangments for pre-arranged electronic checks for payment, i make arrangements to have my pet boarded, etc. etc.
imo, he's pulling out the sympathy/manipulative card, hoping that you will be so happy that he is getting help, that he can draw you back into his drama.
now, if it were a neighbor to ask the same sort of help, we probably wouldn't think twice about helping.....but in my experience i have found that "helping" the alcoholic is enabling and manipulative on their part.
i know i shouldn't assume to know what he is thinking, but what he is asking you to do is so common of alcoholics........a helping hand to a neighbor is simply that....a helping hand. a helping hand to an alcoholic is something entirely different....it always seems to be non-productive, harmful, enabling, etc.
i've done it with my xh......everytime we seperated and he went into rehab, i would just mush and gush with delight and tie up all the loose ends he asked me to handle.
well, i was actually cheating him by not allowing him the opportunity and dignity of learning how to take care of those things himself......and allowing him to manipulate me yet once more. and i was not being good to myself by allowing myself to be drawn into his web, yet once again.
no one can tell you what to do. just pray about it....your hp will let you know.
big hugs to you chero
jeri
imo, he's pulling out the sympathy/manipulative card, hoping that you will be so happy that he is getting help, that he can draw you back into his drama.
now, if it were a neighbor to ask the same sort of help, we probably wouldn't think twice about helping.....but in my experience i have found that "helping" the alcoholic is enabling and manipulative on their part.
i know i shouldn't assume to know what he is thinking, but what he is asking you to do is so common of alcoholics........a helping hand to a neighbor is simply that....a helping hand. a helping hand to an alcoholic is something entirely different....it always seems to be non-productive, harmful, enabling, etc.
i've done it with my xh......everytime we seperated and he went into rehab, i would just mush and gush with delight and tie up all the loose ends he asked me to handle.
well, i was actually cheating him by not allowing him the opportunity and dignity of learning how to take care of those things himself......and allowing him to manipulate me yet once more. and i was not being good to myself by allowing myself to be drawn into his web, yet once again.
no one can tell you what to do. just pray about it....your hp will let you know.
big hugs to you chero
jeri
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I have to agree with Jeri. If he really, really, really wants to get sober, he does not need you to take care of the details. This is the part where he becomes a grown up and takes care of things for himself. It's actually a good indicator to you if he is serious or not if you say no. Watch his reaction. It will tell you a lot.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I had a guy call me that had been in treatment with me and he wanted me to go with him to court because he said..."I got a DWI when I was coming to see you." Did I believe that??? NO! I told him that if he would have been coming to see me when he was drunk, he wouldn't have been allowed in my house. 
Another friend and I did go to court with him for moral support but we did not say anything on his behalf like he wanted us to....He was the one that got the DWI and he was the one to be responsible for it. :ghug2
kelsh
Another friend and I did go to court with him for moral support but we did not say anything on his behalf like he wanted us to....He was the one that got the DWI and he was the one to be responsible for it. :ghug2
kelsh
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
My friend says that he is trying to manipulate me and that I will hinder what rehab is trying to do if I do this because he won't learn anything if he has me to fall back on....or something like that.
chero, when i know i need to be gone for awhile, i pre-pay what bills i can, call my creditiors and make arrangments for pre-arranged electronic checks for payment, i make arrangements to have my pet boarded, etc. etc.
imo, he's pulling out the sympathy/manipulative card, hoping that you will be so happy that he is getting help, that he can draw you back into his drama.
He is an adult, a big boy, and if he is capable of getting into rehab, then he sure in hell is capable of making arrangements ahead of time for bill paying and a pet sitter or a kennel.
He's still trying to 'sucker' you back in, and lets face it, when we are practicing our alcoholism we get pretty good at it.
Just send him an email saying that you are not able to take on that responsibility.
No explanations needed.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Oh my gosh! I suddenly realized something important about the A mind-set. They are so good at hooking people into their drama that they see everyone else as doing their own share of hooking.
I couldn't understand until now why XABF kept taking me to task after our break-up reminding me of everything he had done for me. He accused me of using him for every favour or service he had performed for me.
Sorry for taking this thread in another direction than what you had intended, Chero, but it is a revelation!
ARL
I couldn't understand until now why XABF kept taking me to task after our break-up reminding me of everything he had done for me. He accused me of using him for every favour or service he had performed for me.
Sorry for taking this thread in another direction than what you had intended, Chero, but it is a revelation!
ARL
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
but what he is asking you to do is so common of alcoholics........a helping hand to a neighbor is simply that....a helping hand. a helping hand to an alcoholic is something entirely different.
I was thinking this morning, he didn't need my help to get drunk and buy a new pickup, drive it to New Mexico, wreck it, call rehab, so why now.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Chero honey sorry that you are going through this! 
the only thing that I can add is please do not forget about you! I fell for this a few times with my XABF and it is hard when we are in the situation-but I have to say that if your friend is anything like mine of 27 years-the friend is looking out for your best interest, although it may feel or seem otherwise! Please take care of you sweets
Jeri hit it on the head and it could not have been said much better than that!
the only thing that I can add is please do not forget about you! I fell for this a few times with my XABF and it is hard when we are in the situation-but I have to say that if your friend is anything like mine of 27 years-the friend is looking out for your best interest, although it may feel or seem otherwise! Please take care of you sweets Jeri hit it on the head and it could not have been said much better than that!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Originally Posted by ARealLady
Oh my gosh! I suddenly realized something important about the A mind-set. They are so good at hooking people into their drama that they see everyone else as doing their own share of hooking.
I couldn't understand until now why XABF kept taking me to task after our break-up reminding me of everything he had done for me. He accused me of using him for every favour or service he had performed for me.
I couldn't understand until now why XABF kept taking me to task after our break-up reminding me of everything he had done for me. He accused me of using him for every favour or service he had performed for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Can't add much new here chero.
Unless you're the last person left on earth, there are always people we can ask for help other than those we've spent years trying to control and manipulate.
When my ex and I married she wanted to handle all our finances, so 11 years later when we were divorced it was time for me to grow up and re-learn how to do it myself again. And in spite of all my whining and foot-stomping, I survived and I'm a big boy again.
Learning to live life like an adult and not being dependant on someone else is part of recovery, difficult at first considering how childish I was, but in the end it's best for my self-esteem, worth, and value.
Unless you're the last person left on earth, there are always people we can ask for help other than those we've spent years trying to control and manipulate.
When my ex and I married she wanted to handle all our finances, so 11 years later when we were divorced it was time for me to grow up and re-learn how to do it myself again. And in spite of all my whining and foot-stomping, I survived and I'm a big boy again.
Learning to live life like an adult and not being dependant on someone else is part of recovery, difficult at first considering how childish I was, but in the end it's best for my self-esteem, worth, and value.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Astro
Learning to live life like an adult and not being dependant on someone else is part of recovery, difficult at first but in the end it's best for my self-esteem, worth, and value.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Hi Chero,
Remember every person is different and every situation is different. The thing you need to remember is the decision on what you do in this situation is yours and you don't have to have anyones permission to help or not help.
Do what YOU are comfortable doing and gives you peace of mind. A million people can tell you what happened to them, but that doesn't mean it will happen in your situation or that it won't be 100 times worse in your situation. You know your mind, you know your limits, you know what is right for you, do what you need to do for YOU.
Best of Luck Hon!
Remember every person is different and every situation is different. The thing you need to remember is the decision on what you do in this situation is yours and you don't have to have anyones permission to help or not help.
Do what YOU are comfortable doing and gives you peace of mind. A million people can tell you what happened to them, but that doesn't mean it will happen in your situation or that it won't be 100 times worse in your situation. You know your mind, you know your limits, you know what is right for you, do what you need to do for YOU.
Best of Luck Hon!
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