Newcomer here! My ABF of 6 years stonewalled me...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Newcomer here! My ABF of 6 years stonewalled me...
hi! new to this. my heart is broken, and i haven't felt this bad in my entire life. not just because of my bf, but because of my blindness and denial of his problem. we were about to move to our dream farm.
i have been in denial and codependent for the past 3-4 years of our 6-year relationship. i was raped and associated all of my general uneasiness and 'denial' behavior' and sudden anxiety to the attack. i thought i was the one who was in trouble.
sorry this is long.....
my bf was 'stressed' a lot the whole six years we were together, so i attributed bad moods, his bedroom issues and other telltale alkie signs to that. i have no idea what hit me, but i finally realized that my bf's negative attitude, self-hatred and overall bleak view of life was suddenly intolerable, and worse yet, seemed to be rubbing off on ME (plus all that other codependent stuff)! i have no idea how i missed all the signs and let it go on for so long. the thing is, he is my gentle giant most of the time, just not so great when drinking. i had done some research on how addicts need their s/o around and care for them greatly, but they can't see past the next beer or give you the love you need or proper attention when they are screwed up in the head. basically, the can't love you if they hate themselves.
when he started drinking one morning at 10 a.m., i decided to do an experiment. i rebuffed him, only saw him about half the time we usually spent together, was pretty rude all the time and acted aloof to anything he ever said for three weeks. i did a lot of research in that time, got to better understand what's going on in his head, my codependancy, etc.
the thing is, i had a great intervention all planned out, but i asked him if he'd noticed that i wasn't around so much lately and always being rude to him and then i blew my top when he told me he hadn't noticed any change. i thought i would die from the pain of that stinging comment. how could i be so unimportant, or he so blind to MY needs. as is the case with many out there, i love him with my entire soul, but after having learned all of this information in the past few weeks, it is clear that he has slipped down the slope very quickly over the past 6 years. i think about him every second of the day, and now i have been totally reliving our relationship in my head and the warning signs are in bright pink neon all over those 6 years together - how, how, how did i not see them?????????
i feel like i have been tricked, but how can i be mad at him when it's his alcoholism that tricked me (and especially HIM)? anyway, he turned everything against me, like i was the 'crazy' girl and he's 'just drinking beer.' i tried to call him and be rational, but he hung up on me, and sent me a few emails that were absolutely immature and very angry, such as 'why can't you be normal?' i feel only slightly better after having read all the posts on here as i now understand that his sarcasim is coming from a dark, evil place in his alocoholic brain, and he would emotionally hurt me to try and keep fooling himself that he doesn't have a problem.
he was my first love, and we were planning on getting married. i am trying to be glad that i stopped our toxic relationship before kids came along, but i am too upset and lonely for him and miss his beautiful, blue eyes. when will i be able to wake up and not immediately see his face in my mind or recall a great experience we had...? (i am one of the fortunate people that tends to only recall the good times...and block out the really bad ones...but i guess that doesn't exactly make me fortunate, does it???)
i have been reading posts all day, and it makes me so angry that this is such a widespread problem and so many people get hurt by it. i hope i can reach the peace that some of the posters on here have reached. you are all great for being honest and inspiring and telling it like it is. had i not done some internet research, i would have not understood all of this, and the pain would be even worse right now. so thanks.
i have been in denial and codependent for the past 3-4 years of our 6-year relationship. i was raped and associated all of my general uneasiness and 'denial' behavior' and sudden anxiety to the attack. i thought i was the one who was in trouble.
sorry this is long.....
my bf was 'stressed' a lot the whole six years we were together, so i attributed bad moods, his bedroom issues and other telltale alkie signs to that. i have no idea what hit me, but i finally realized that my bf's negative attitude, self-hatred and overall bleak view of life was suddenly intolerable, and worse yet, seemed to be rubbing off on ME (plus all that other codependent stuff)! i have no idea how i missed all the signs and let it go on for so long. the thing is, he is my gentle giant most of the time, just not so great when drinking. i had done some research on how addicts need their s/o around and care for them greatly, but they can't see past the next beer or give you the love you need or proper attention when they are screwed up in the head. basically, the can't love you if they hate themselves.
when he started drinking one morning at 10 a.m., i decided to do an experiment. i rebuffed him, only saw him about half the time we usually spent together, was pretty rude all the time and acted aloof to anything he ever said for three weeks. i did a lot of research in that time, got to better understand what's going on in his head, my codependancy, etc.
the thing is, i had a great intervention all planned out, but i asked him if he'd noticed that i wasn't around so much lately and always being rude to him and then i blew my top when he told me he hadn't noticed any change. i thought i would die from the pain of that stinging comment. how could i be so unimportant, or he so blind to MY needs. as is the case with many out there, i love him with my entire soul, but after having learned all of this information in the past few weeks, it is clear that he has slipped down the slope very quickly over the past 6 years. i think about him every second of the day, and now i have been totally reliving our relationship in my head and the warning signs are in bright pink neon all over those 6 years together - how, how, how did i not see them?????????
i feel like i have been tricked, but how can i be mad at him when it's his alcoholism that tricked me (and especially HIM)? anyway, he turned everything against me, like i was the 'crazy' girl and he's 'just drinking beer.' i tried to call him and be rational, but he hung up on me, and sent me a few emails that were absolutely immature and very angry, such as 'why can't you be normal?' i feel only slightly better after having read all the posts on here as i now understand that his sarcasim is coming from a dark, evil place in his alocoholic brain, and he would emotionally hurt me to try and keep fooling himself that he doesn't have a problem.
he was my first love, and we were planning on getting married. i am trying to be glad that i stopped our toxic relationship before kids came along, but i am too upset and lonely for him and miss his beautiful, blue eyes. when will i be able to wake up and not immediately see his face in my mind or recall a great experience we had...? (i am one of the fortunate people that tends to only recall the good times...and block out the really bad ones...but i guess that doesn't exactly make me fortunate, does it???)
i have been reading posts all day, and it makes me so angry that this is such a widespread problem and so many people get hurt by it. i hope i can reach the peace that some of the posters on here have reached. you are all great for being honest and inspiring and telling it like it is. had i not done some internet research, i would have not understood all of this, and the pain would be even worse right now. so thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Welcome, TryingtoHeal (and you have already begun to walk that path of healing!), and know that you are not alone.
i have no idea what hit me, but i finally realized that my bf's negative attitude, self-hatred and overall bleak view of life was suddenly intolerable, and worse yet, seemed to be rubbing off on ME (plus all that other codependent stuff)! i have no idea how i missed all the signs and let it go on for so long.
I hear you loud and clear! I know that there was something about him that wasn't healthy for me to keep hearing but for a long time I refused to address those feelings. I wanted to believe that I was the one who was being intolerant and keeping my expectations too high. Then he arrived at my home for a long-awaited visit....drunk....and he stayed drunk for the full 10 days. That was when I decided that my life was too important for me to endure such treatment. Of course, when I told him after he had returned home he made it out to be my problem....I was the self-centered b*tch from he** and he fully understood why my estranged husband had left me. That's the A quacking!
I have plenty of moments where I re-play the good times and wish everything had turned out differently. We had dreams. I believed. Sadly, the bottle was more important than anything else.
Stick around here. We understand. Know that you didn't cause your BF to drink and nothing you say or do will make him stop. Be glad you have YOUR life to live for YOU.
ARL
i have no idea what hit me, but i finally realized that my bf's negative attitude, self-hatred and overall bleak view of life was suddenly intolerable, and worse yet, seemed to be rubbing off on ME (plus all that other codependent stuff)! i have no idea how i missed all the signs and let it go on for so long.
I hear you loud and clear! I know that there was something about him that wasn't healthy for me to keep hearing but for a long time I refused to address those feelings. I wanted to believe that I was the one who was being intolerant and keeping my expectations too high. Then he arrived at my home for a long-awaited visit....drunk....and he stayed drunk for the full 10 days. That was when I decided that my life was too important for me to endure such treatment. Of course, when I told him after he had returned home he made it out to be my problem....I was the self-centered b*tch from he** and he fully understood why my estranged husband had left me. That's the A quacking!
I have plenty of moments where I re-play the good times and wish everything had turned out differently. We had dreams. I believed. Sadly, the bottle was more important than anything else.
Stick around here. We understand. Know that you didn't cause your BF to drink and nothing you say or do will make him stop. Be glad you have YOUR life to live for YOU.
ARL
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