DetachMe9

I'm here at work, office door shut, crying my eyes out over knowing that everything I'm reading here today is ME. Saint Francis' thread on her "realization" just pushed me over the edge to disclose more and hope that getting more honest is a catalyst for change for me. Right now, I am so very sad, angry, guilty, fearful, obesessed. I think I must be reaching some level of awareness now, where all my old coping/denial skills are just falling away. I feel so desperate today.

AH and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary in September. I feel as though I love him so much, but I cannot give anyone who asks me "why?" an answer that has any merit at this point. I can only talk about who he was when we were first together in 1997, both working our respective 12-step programs and enjoying each other without (much) codependency. Both of us in our 30's at that point, with a failed marriage each behind us. Both of us with graduate degrees, with the shared goal of helping others with similar problems. It was such a beautiful time in my life, finally finding someone who was willing to walk that path together with me.

Now everything is upside-down. He hasn't been willing to go to AA regularly, and talks of how he just isn't "into" it anymore. He is lost in his disease again despite the fact that he drinks infrequently, and I have become a poster child for Codependent No More. It's been so gradual, so slow - - like oil oozing into a vast ocean. Tiny changes over several years that now are so glaringly obvious I can't face myself in the mirror today. I feel ashamed for what I've become, and what I've been willing to tolerate, especially over the last 2 years.

In October of 2005, I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. This was in a fit of controlling/enabling that was entirely designed to get him to "change". About what, I couldn't even tell you now. But I didn't mean it, didn't want to split up; just used it as an empty ultimatum to exert my righteous power over his sorry wrong self. What happened next was unexpected and devastating, an ordeal that I'm still apparently blaming myself (partly) for today. He left the house, went to a bar, got drunk and came home later saying maybe he was "done" too. A few weeks later, he started an affair with a coworker that lasted 10 months and included his filing for divorce from me.

We went and stayed in therapy during this time, but he eventually tired of that as well. I enabled the mess to continue those 10 months out of my own guilt and lack of self. I tried to be more perfect, more like her, more anything to save it. I received enough support through AlAnon and SurvivingInfidelity.com that I was able to get strong enough to insist he end it permanently or it was over (really, this time). He ended it, though looking back it was probably more due to the fact that the affair had run it's course and the fantasy was ending with her.

We have hobbled along this past year, but the slow progression kept right along. He started to slip more frequently, calling into work to just stay home, maybe drink, maybe not, getting snippy with his boss, feeling empty and blaming it on me, etc. In September, he was told he could voluntarily resign with a 3-month severance or essentially be placed on a probationary plan that offered no guarantees. He took the severance, and has gradually fallen apart. Drinking 2-3x week, depressed, not looking for work much. I left to stay in a guest house nearby 3 weeks ago after he came home puking-drunk at 3 AM. Told him I'd be home when I could find the skills to deal with it. Despite my telling him this was something I had to do for me, that I couldn't live with active alcoholism anymore but wasn't ready to get divorced - - he once again has found another woman at a bar that bought his "I'm separated" story, and she is now calling the house.

He also told me last night that in order to help get another great job (like the one he had), he was planning on talking with the woman he had the affair with last year. Wants to see if he can "use her as a reference". As I type these very words, I cannot fathom why I am still trying to find some semblance of hope for us. I am appalled that he would even think about doing this, not only because of what happened to me but to HER as well. She was apparently devastated when he ended it. Granted, I have no empathy for that woman whatsoever - - she played her part. It's the idea that he would find making contact with her feasible or justified. This seems spectacularly ill, narcissistic, f**ked up to me. Just the simple act of putting this mess in writing right now makes it all so clearly available for me (and the rest of the world) to see. BUT I'M STILL NOT THERE. My most pathetic thought today has been to call him to tell him all of this. I wish there was something/anything that could allow me to think outside this prison of a box that I know I'm voluntarily sitting in. Thanks, and I'm going to stop writing now and try to save my life.

Saint Francis

"This thread just absolutely pushed me over the edge today."

I certainly didn't mean to push anyone over the edge. I certainly understand being on the edge of tears just reading on this board. I'm hoping it's a good thing for us. I certainly can relate to your story and am so glad you shared. It feels better knowing that I'm not alone in my thoughts, emotions, and confusion.

What happened to the awesome men we married? What's so magical about 9 years of marriage for everything to get to such a critical state?

I wish you all happiness and hope for the future, too.

GiveLove

Wishing you both the strength and serenity to find your way through this. To find your way back to YOU, instead of this poisonous US that's replaced it.

I know that strength and serenity seems like a pipe dream right now, mired in your pain as you are, but it really, really is possible. I remember being so hopeless that I couldnt' even get out of bed in the morning. It was tiny little baby steps toward health that got me out of the muck and into the warm sunshine again.

Being brutally honest about it all was my first step. Congratulations to both of you!!
That's a lot like Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable. You're shining a bright light on it so it can't hide in the creepy corners of your heart & soul any more. That's awesome!

You cannot change him. You can only change yourself -- caring for yourself tenderly, fiercely, protectively like you would a small defenseless child.

Hugs to you,
GL

misslisa

sounds like you living in the past (no hurt intended) what you had with him years ago is still a fond memory to you. Can you see him changing back into that man again? is there hope for HIM. He sounds very selfish and your getting hurt all the time. I have helped many broken marriages and the one thing that gives hope to the situation is if BOTH parties are willing to make changes to save what they have. I have seen one a wife do her very best to accomodate her husbands actions and ending up in depression with a strong hate for her husband. another couple went to counselling for a year but the husband made no effort to change his alcoholic ways and the Wife started cheating in the hope of finding that love that she once knew...... One good outcome was where both parties went to separate counselling sessions and would spend one night a week. Tv off, dinner with candle light and spent the whole night talking about how they felt.

Make sure you still look after YOU. Make sure you do something special for yourself everyday, even if its 5 minutes in a park reflecting on the good things in your life.

Keep us posted with your progress, and remember we are always here to listen and share.

misslisa

ARealLady

He left the house, went to a bar, got drunk and came home later saying maybe he was "done" too. A few weeks later, he started an affair with a coworker that lasted 10 months and included his filing for divorce from me.


I'm betting that is NOT the way things really happened for him. I am going to suggest he was already getting involved with the co-worker and that tipped him over the edge. Mid-life crisis?

But what WAS is part of the past. I think you are taking on too much of the responsibility for what went wrong and it's time for you to focus on what you want. You didn't make him stop working his 12 step programme because of who you are. You're both intelligent adults. His actions are HIS responsibility.

ARL

Barbara52

That's exactly what happened to my AH. Here it is more than 2 years later and not working. He says he's eligible to be a substitute teacher as of this week but I'll believe it when he actually gets paid.

Alright, you started getting a good strong start on admitting you are powerless over him and his alcoholism and over your own codependency. Now, how about taking a good strong step on gaining back control over your own life?

No its not easy. But yes it is worth it. There is no reason to beat youself up over past failures. You can't change the past. But you can decide to make more positive choice going forward.

You have to figure out if you are going to continue to treat yourself like someone who deserves to be treated badly or to treat yourself like the wonderful, valuable person you are.

I can't tell you how to move forward since we all do that in our own ways and at our own pace. But I can tell you that I know you can move forward and begin taking baby steps.

LaTeeDa

For me, the thing that made the most difference in my life was letting go of the dream. The way I wanted life to be--with him. It was also the most painful thing I have ever done. Very much like the death of a loved one. Unfortunately, until I was willing to let go of the way I thought things should be, I was unable to see all the possibilities that were available to me. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wanted it to be what it was not. But, I was unwilling to face that I couldn't have it. Like being stuck in a tiny room with no windows. You can't see what lies beyond the walls.

It's difficult and scary, and it hurts like hell to leave that little room we've become so accustomed to. But, once you leave it, you will wonder why you stayed there so long.

L

lostnfound1961

I'm so sorry your having such a bad day. I have no office, I have a cube with short walls and am on a main walk way, so it is hard when I can't help but cry here at my desk. I don't think there is anything I can say that makes more sence than what LaTeeDa had to say. I'm in a similar limbo and have no idea why I can't just let go.
Hang in there and keep posting.
PS
Glad my avitar made you smile.
D

DetachMe9

Thank you all. I found a way to make it through the entire workday, when historically I'd fall apart and stay fallen apart for the remainder of the day. I've kept logged on here all day and figured I'd save the time I would've had to take today for a future day that will likely be much worse, especially if I continue to move in the direction I feel I'm heading.

denny57

That's because it is.

When I learned of AH's last (in our marriage) fling with a bar meet, I went crying to our doctor. I met with the therapist AH had been seeing the year before to see if she could help me help him! I was a wreck and shared with her everything that had gone on the last 2 years - assuming he had been in there talking about it too. She was stunned, even that he drank. When I was done, she said "you have to leave [the marriage]." I responded "I do?"

Today, 2 years later, I can hardly believe I thought we would "work it out." I understand there was nothing left to work out. I started with my own therapist and for the first 3-4 months I would not let her use the word divorce.

I just wanted to share that I've felt the way you feel today. Today I am truly happy with the life I have. I hope that happens for you, too. Try to reach out for all the support you can.

((()))

good_luck

I can relate to this. I was super-happy that at least I had managed to convince my ex to go to therapy, but it turned into just another tool for him to abuse me: "my therapist says that you suck" or something. When I asked him what his therapist thought of him beating the crap out of me, he told me that "it hadn't come up." Oh well...

Sorry for that distraction, Detach.

You are going to be fine. I left a house, a town, and a job to move in with my parents (!!). Best choice ever, although I wish I would have packed more socks.

You are seeing things, don't push yourself to do the "right" thing. Because that could go either way, right? Just take it easy on yourself. There isn't anyone actually keeping track of how quickly you make decisions, or whether these decisions are made based on the proper criteria.

I found that when it was our life that I was trying to save it was a hopeless mess that would never get fixed. It made me cry and not sleep and generally not do much else. But as soon as it became my life that I needed to fix? Well, now I am worrying about buying more socks, basically. Night and day.

((())))

rawr_x

my prayers are with you,i hope everything gets better. just try to stay strong