a few questions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: orange ct
Posts: 10
a few questions
I sat here the other night and read and read posts. You have all really given me a ton to think about.
Since this is all very new to me I have some questions....
My ah admitted in April that he was an alcoholic and was taking when around pain meds. He was in treatment by the end of the month and did over 100 days. He was doing really well and we had really great quality time and really got a chance to fall back in love.
Aug he fell of the wagon but got back on... it was some where in Sept until now that he has been drinking. I am not sure of amounts or if it is every day.
I layed it on the line yesterday that I wanted the man and the dad that was here all summer back. He cried and I know that I have to take all that with a grain of salt... he is telling me what I want to hear.. I learned that here.. He said he wants to get back into the program. I told him that I would ask him to leave if he did not get it together. I was told that I should ask him to leave no.
here is the question.. since this is new and this is the first time he relapsed and did not get right back on is it fair to ask him to leave. If I see that he is back in group and going to AA and journaling and taking to us.. can't I keep the family whole for the kids?
He wants to go on meds for depression... is this ok, what do you guys think about that?
I feel so much more empowered then the other night when I first sat down.
How do you emotionally protect yourself against an alcoholic?
I hope you can answer my questions...
Since this is all very new to me I have some questions....
My ah admitted in April that he was an alcoholic and was taking when around pain meds. He was in treatment by the end of the month and did over 100 days. He was doing really well and we had really great quality time and really got a chance to fall back in love.
Aug he fell of the wagon but got back on... it was some where in Sept until now that he has been drinking. I am not sure of amounts or if it is every day.
I layed it on the line yesterday that I wanted the man and the dad that was here all summer back. He cried and I know that I have to take all that with a grain of salt... he is telling me what I want to hear.. I learned that here.. He said he wants to get back into the program. I told him that I would ask him to leave if he did not get it together. I was told that I should ask him to leave no.
here is the question.. since this is new and this is the first time he relapsed and did not get right back on is it fair to ask him to leave. If I see that he is back in group and going to AA and journaling and taking to us.. can't I keep the family whole for the kids?
He wants to go on meds for depression... is this ok, what do you guys think about that?
I feel so much more empowered then the other night when I first sat down.
How do you emotionally protect yourself against an alcoholic?
I hope you can answer my questions...
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Blues2 
here is the question.. since this is new and this is the first time he relapsed and did not get right back on is it fair to ask him to leave. If I see that he is back in group and going to AA and journaling and taking to us.. can't I keep the family whole for the kids?
He wants to go on meds for depression... is this ok, what do you guys think about that?
How do you emotionally protect yourself against an alcoholic?
He wants to go on meds for depression... is this ok, what do you guys think about that?
How do you emotionally protect yourself against an alcoholic?
Aaah all very good questions...
You can do whatever you want at the end of the day. No one here will tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I am still living with my abf. He has been on and off the wagon time and time again. I am not in a place where I want him to go. I AM in a place where I do not want the anxiety, anger, resentment, stress, agitation etc etc. I also will no longer put up with any verbal abuse he will throw at me.
I personally think my abf needs anti depressants. However, this is something for him to discuss with a doctor. I don't see a reason why he couldn't take them, as far as I know they are not habit forming. I myself have been taking them for over a year and I assure you they don't give any state of 'highness', if they did i probably wouldn't be here! Any way, I have mentioned this to him ONCE when he was sober. Thats it, once. If he wishes it, he can go follow it up with a doc.
As for emotional protection, it can be done, but it is difficult. For me I had to KNOW deep inside myself that his harsh words came from his illness. I KNOW that my abf loves me dearly, and if healthy, he would not be acting this way.
Then I learnt to stop LISTENING. Whenever he began to talk 'down' to me, I said things that I learnt here like, 'How terrible you feel that way', 'Yes dear I hear you' etc. May sound silly but its almost like the words you choose to reply with prevent the hurt from hitting your heart. I CHOSE not to let his bitterness enter me.
Then I learnt to LOVE ME! I have spent the last week getting to know myself again, what I enjoy doing, getting out and about, basically having a wonderful time with my daughter and my friends and letting abf deal with abf. When I get home I'm so full of happiness that even if he tries to be bitter, it runs over me. I just leave the room, go put on my favourite tunes and dance and sing!!!
Most importantly, STOP!!! Stop fixing, enabling, feeling guilty, stressing etc etc. Its hard but absolutely necessary to learn that we too are ill and need to heal ourselves. A few times when 'educating myself' here on this forum, I felt cold chills run up my spine as I learnt that I was ILL!! All this time I believed i was the healthy one, I was hard done by because I was left to carry this that and the other. I was verbally/emotionally abused, I was shocked to find I had been doing the same things to him, and I was just being a martyr.
Read up on the stickies, I personally recommend Classic Reading. I came away from those stickies with a whole new outlook on my life.
All the best
Lily xxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
He wants to go on meds for depression
That would be his decision but, based on my experience with XABF, the "diagnosis" of depression was one more reason why he had to keep drinking. Maybe he was drinking less because of the anti-d's but it didn't stop him. He went to see his doctor to get the meds but I suspect he was way less than honest about his drinking or else the doctor wouldn't have prescribed such a potentially lethal cocktail.
I feel so much more empowered then the other night when I first sat down.
This place is very empowering!
Keep reading and asking questions.
ARL
That would be his decision but, based on my experience with XABF, the "diagnosis" of depression was one more reason why he had to keep drinking. Maybe he was drinking less because of the anti-d's but it didn't stop him. He went to see his doctor to get the meds but I suspect he was way less than honest about his drinking or else the doctor wouldn't have prescribed such a potentially lethal cocktail.
I feel so much more empowered then the other night when I first sat down.
This place is very empowering!
Keep reading and asking questions.
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: orange ct
Posts: 10
do you think that for the pain to stop you have to leave the person. He has never spoken negatively at me or abused me physically. He is a quiet drink and drinks late at night and just passes out. It is painful for me because he said he wants to stop and he did and now he is not. This is what I find painful. I know he can not do it for me or the kids.. I know he has to take responsibility for this. Is there a way to stay married to an alcoholic? to love each other again? to respect him and to know that he means what he says and he is not lying?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You have posed some great questions; unfortunately, I cannot answer what you should do for YOU. I can tell you what I have done for myself, but each one of us has to assess our situation and make decisions based on what we feel is best for us.
As far as leaving an addict in order for the pain to stop ... to me, personally, that is saying that my hapiness hinges on the addict's behaviors. In other words, I can be just as miserable and unhappy whether I stay or whether I leave. Leaving physically does not remove the emotions - those you take with you wherever you go and whatever you decide to do.
I know of one woman in my home Al-Anon group who is still living with her AH. It doesn't sound like a pleasant experience for her, but it's her choice. Respect and trust take a long time to gain, and can be destroyed in an instant. Could I respect an active A? Nope. Could I trust an active A? Definitely not.
The questions you pose regarding your situation can only be answered by you. I can only offer my own personal experience, strength, and hope. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, I would strongly suggest you find some meetings in your area and give it a try.
As far as leaving an addict in order for the pain to stop ... to me, personally, that is saying that my hapiness hinges on the addict's behaviors. In other words, I can be just as miserable and unhappy whether I stay or whether I leave. Leaving physically does not remove the emotions - those you take with you wherever you go and whatever you decide to do.
I know of one woman in my home Al-Anon group who is still living with her AH. It doesn't sound like a pleasant experience for her, but it's her choice. Respect and trust take a long time to gain, and can be destroyed in an instant. Could I respect an active A? Nope. Could I trust an active A? Definitely not.
The questions you pose regarding your situation can only be answered by you. I can only offer my own personal experience, strength, and hope. If you haven't attended Al-Anon, I would strongly suggest you find some meetings in your area and give it a try.
Doormat
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mahwah, NJ
Posts: 19
Blues,
I'd like to think that there will be a time when you can truly trust him. I'd like to think that there will be a time when you are truly respected and treated the way you should be. No, I do not think that you need to leave a person to stop the pain. It's a concious decision.
These past few days, I've been the happiest in my life because I finally LET GO! I realized that you don't have to be there to "fix" the problems. You don't have to make everything better. Sometimes listening is the best thing you can do for a person. Yes, it's going to hurt that you can do nothing to help but it will stop the pain ans give you time to take care of you.
Your man sounds very much like my own. Quiet, drinks at night when he hates himself the most. Then passes out with no recallection of the night before. It's sad. It's sad that the lies continue and you continue to feel foolish. Don't feel that way! You've done so much for someone who isn't appreciative of it.
This is what me and and my xabf decided on. He is the first man I've ever truly loved and he is postive that I'm the one for him but we let this whole recovery get in the way of that. We're apart now because I worried, tried to fix, and stopped caring about me. We're apart because he's serious about recovery and doesn't want to drag me along. It's been two months that he's been sober. It's been eight days since our breakup.
Last night, he called me for the first time in a week and told me this break wasnt forever. He said sorry for the lack of respect he's shown me. He thanked me for my unwavering love and understanding. Love is there through the good and the bad. I will always love him but right I need to love myself. So we will remain apart until we are both ready.
I believe that there is a way to stay married to a PERSON that you love who loves you back. I believe a PERSON can change and have seen it happen. (alcoholic or not)
But Blues, If it can't or doesn't happen for you or for me, that's ok too. It doesn't mean we are bad people or that there is anything we have done wrong. We've given love and that is more than most can say theyve done for a PERSON.
hang in there and keep posting. the people here are truly remarkable.
<3 kristin
I'd like to think that there will be a time when you can truly trust him. I'd like to think that there will be a time when you are truly respected and treated the way you should be. No, I do not think that you need to leave a person to stop the pain. It's a concious decision.
These past few days, I've been the happiest in my life because I finally LET GO! I realized that you don't have to be there to "fix" the problems. You don't have to make everything better. Sometimes listening is the best thing you can do for a person. Yes, it's going to hurt that you can do nothing to help but it will stop the pain ans give you time to take care of you.
Your man sounds very much like my own. Quiet, drinks at night when he hates himself the most. Then passes out with no recallection of the night before. It's sad. It's sad that the lies continue and you continue to feel foolish. Don't feel that way! You've done so much for someone who isn't appreciative of it.
This is what me and and my xabf decided on. He is the first man I've ever truly loved and he is postive that I'm the one for him but we let this whole recovery get in the way of that. We're apart now because I worried, tried to fix, and stopped caring about me. We're apart because he's serious about recovery and doesn't want to drag me along. It's been two months that he's been sober. It's been eight days since our breakup.
Last night, he called me for the first time in a week and told me this break wasnt forever. He said sorry for the lack of respect he's shown me. He thanked me for my unwavering love and understanding. Love is there through the good and the bad. I will always love him but right I need to love myself. So we will remain apart until we are both ready.
I believe that there is a way to stay married to a PERSON that you love who loves you back. I believe a PERSON can change and have seen it happen. (alcoholic or not)
But Blues, If it can't or doesn't happen for you or for me, that's ok too. It doesn't mean we are bad people or that there is anything we have done wrong. We've given love and that is more than most can say theyve done for a PERSON.
hang in there and keep posting. the people here are truly remarkable.
<3 kristin
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Al-Anon has a great leaflet on detachment that helps deal with the emotional ties. Detaching with love is the greatest gift I gave myself; I like to think it's the greatest gift I gave AH, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: orange ct
Posts: 10
I was reading another post by a newbie.. and she said it. I love him when he is sober but can not stand to be with him when he is drinking. We will be married 13 years in a few weeks. We have been through our own hell.. we lost twins at 26 weeks, one still born and our son lived for 14 hours and died in our arms 7 years ago.. that was hell. We got through that. He was not a drinker back then.
I respect the comments I got, I think leaving right now is not fair to him or I since he is so new to getting help. He did not drink like this last year. I am not sure what clicked in his brain but something did. In a way I guess he would drink openly.. he drinks quietly at home.. does not yell or hit anyone, he will drink after the kids are in bed in front of the tv and just fall asleep. Not a black out but I guess a pass out.. wakes up and goes to work. He would never drink on the job and has never put any of us in the car when he was drinking.. I have my one drink and will usually drive.
I know that he is an alcoholic if he can not stop. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up from this and think he is wrong.
I told him today that he know has all the resources available. i called our insurance and told him what they need him to do. It is in his court to accept this and take control. I asked him if this was cancer would he not fight it... would he not want to beat it. He said he would fight like hell...
I hope he gets it and will get help. I felt more clear today and got myself out of my funk and am going to keep doing for me and the kids.
it is great that I have a place to go. I still want to go to a meeting but an nervous about going... any suggestions.
I respect the comments I got, I think leaving right now is not fair to him or I since he is so new to getting help. He did not drink like this last year. I am not sure what clicked in his brain but something did. In a way I guess he would drink openly.. he drinks quietly at home.. does not yell or hit anyone, he will drink after the kids are in bed in front of the tv and just fall asleep. Not a black out but I guess a pass out.. wakes up and goes to work. He would never drink on the job and has never put any of us in the car when he was drinking.. I have my one drink and will usually drive.
I know that he is an alcoholic if he can not stop. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up from this and think he is wrong.
I told him today that he know has all the resources available. i called our insurance and told him what they need him to do. It is in his court to accept this and take control. I asked him if this was cancer would he not fight it... would he not want to beat it. He said he would fight like hell...
I hope he gets it and will get help. I felt more clear today and got myself out of my funk and am going to keep doing for me and the kids.
it is great that I have a place to go. I still want to go to a meeting but an nervous about going... any suggestions.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Just be aware that alcoholism is progressive. Read all you can, and get to alanon meetings. By all means stay with your H if thats what feels right, but please try to make sure you stay in touch with reality. Speaking from experience, the truth can knock you for a loop when you've packaged it up, tied a pretty bow on it, and stuffed it in a closet for years ... Inevitably the day comes when you have to rip the box open and face whats inside.
Please be wary of the anti depressants. If his doctor isn't aware of the alcohol abuse, he or she might be unknowingly treating a symptom of his alcoholism in an inappropriate, potentially dangerous way.
Keep coming back. We're here for you.
Please be wary of the anti depressants. If his doctor isn't aware of the alcohol abuse, he or she might be unknowingly treating a symptom of his alcoholism in an inappropriate, potentially dangerous way.
Keep coming back. We're here for you.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
((((blues)))) - may i suggest reading Under the Influence and Getting Them Sober (VOL 1)....these were very informative and helpful to me...sadly, I did not find them until after we had broken up. I think you might find them eye-opening....hang in there...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
