Cynay

Just something I received in my daily mail that I though many Codies could relate too.

November 12, 2007
Acknowledging Our Pain
Rescuing The Rescuer
Some people seem called to help others, often from very early on in their childhoods, responding to the needs of family members, strangers, or animals with a selflessness that is impressive. Often, these people appear to have very few needs of their own, and the focus of their lives is on rescuing, helping, and healing others. While there are a few people who are truly able to sustain this completely giving lifestyle, the vast majority has needs that lie beneath the surface, unmet and often unseen. In these cases, their motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of themselves that is starving for the kind of love and attention they dole out to those around them on a daily basis. For any number of reasons, they are unable to give themselves the love they need and so they give it to others. This does not mean that they are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that they would do well to turn some of that helping energy with! in.

One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world.

Some signs that you or someone you love may need to rescue the rescuer within are inner burnout from overgiving; underlying resentment; an inability to admit to having needs of one own; and an unwillingness to be vulnerable. Help comes when we allow ourselves to admit we need it, acknowledging our humanity and our wholeness by acknowledging our pain. The understanding we gain in the process will naturally inform and inspire our ability to help those in need to do the same.

kelsh

Hi Cynay,

"Some people seem called to help others...responding to the needs of family members, strangers, or animals"...

This seems to fit me through-out my adult life. Everyone in my immediate family came before me. I always saw that the kids had everything they needed for school...most often the bare necessities. My husband needed decent clothes for work and then came bills, food, gas.....and family outings that were usually going camping and fishing. :atv

I always thought it should be this way since that is what I observed growing up in my family. I truly have learned differently though. My alcoholism and depression took away from my family with the expensive hospitalizatiions. I didn't think I deserved anything else. :caveman

I remember the first time I bought an expensive pant suit that was 50% off the original price...so was $35. My hand was shaking as I wrote out my check because I had never spent that much money on myself for clothing at one time. I thought at that time it was ridiculous for me to react that way. I had a job and had earned the money...why not get myself something? :day4

Through years of working the AA Program and counseling for my depression, I learned that I was a special person and I deserved to treat myself to something new.

I still have the "If I see something that I really like right off", I will get it. I still look at clearance racks out of habit when I could afford most anything I really wanted.

Learned habits are good in some areas of my life but not all. I always like looking for something for someone else. My parents are gone and all but one Aunt & Uncle. I have one brother but that is another story...he isn't talking to me now. I love him with all my heart but he is living a lifestyle I cannot agree with anymore. He needs to get clean & sober and back into the real world. He is 65 and I am 67.

Doug

Acknowledge the pain, and share it. Pain shared, is pain lessened.