dating an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 11
dating an alcoholic
I am not sure what led me here but I hope someone can help me.
I have been dating a guy for eight years now. I can't seem to get him to understand where I come in , and how his problem is affecting me. I tend to be the one up at home, late at night worrying about him. Where is he at, is he alive, or dead in a ditch? I never know. This past weekend for example; I took my son to see a movie, this guy went to go watch the game amd hang out with some commrads. We had made an agreement that we would meet later, back at my house. Well 11:00 rolls around and I have not heard a word from him. I called him and asked what time could I expect him. He continued to say that he was not coming home that night he was too drunk to drive and he did not have his truck anyways. Fine, I hung up and was done with it. He called me back and said he would call a cab. I said no stay where you are at, you are where you want to be. I continued off to sleep, as if I were sleeping. He comes into my house around three in the morning. He had gone out with his friends to a bar and when they were done with that they decided they were going to waffle house. Here is my thing, you can't pay for a cab ride home but you can pay to go to the bar and to waffle house. They ended up getting pulled over by the cops. His argument was that he wasn't driving. Mine is that out of respect you should do what you say you are going to do. He sould have called me and said the cab thing did not work out and he was
trying to find a ride home, or he should have stayed put. I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world. There is way more to this situation , to much to continue. 
I have been dating a guy for eight years now. I can't seem to get him to understand where I come in , and how his problem is affecting me. I tend to be the one up at home, late at night worrying about him. Where is he at, is he alive, or dead in a ditch? I never know. This past weekend for example; I took my son to see a movie, this guy went to go watch the game amd hang out with some commrads. We had made an agreement that we would meet later, back at my house. Well 11:00 rolls around and I have not heard a word from him. I called him and asked what time could I expect him. He continued to say that he was not coming home that night he was too drunk to drive and he did not have his truck anyways. Fine, I hung up and was done with it. He called me back and said he would call a cab. I said no stay where you are at, you are where you want to be. I continued off to sleep, as if I were sleeping. He comes into my house around three in the morning. He had gone out with his friends to a bar and when they were done with that they decided they were going to waffle house. Here is my thing, you can't pay for a cab ride home but you can pay to go to the bar and to waffle house. They ended up getting pulled over by the cops. His argument was that he wasn't driving. Mine is that out of respect you should do what you say you are going to do. He sould have called me and said the cab thing did not work out and he was
trying to find a ride home, or he should have stayed put. I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world. There is way more to this situation , to much to continue. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You will find what folks calls Stickies here. Lots of useful information.
AlAnon is a group for those of use living/dealing with an alcoholic in our lives. It helps us focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic in our lives. Not everyone find it to their taste. You will find lots of information and very supportive people in here.
AlAnon is a group for those of use living/dealing with an alcoholic in our lives. It helps us focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic in our lives. Not everyone find it to their taste. You will find lots of information and very supportive people in here.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
They're at the top of the Friends & family forum. Try opening up 'Classic Reading'. There are many links on this sticky.
Remember that these will empower YOU! They are full of info about how to prevent enabling, becoming your own person again etc.
As another idea, I would search under Ann & Minnie's names. Both these guys seem to have pretty eye opening posts.
Other folks may know of some more....
Remember that these will empower YOU! They are full of info about how to prevent enabling, becoming your own person again etc.
As another idea, I would search under Ann & Minnie's names. Both these guys seem to have pretty eye opening posts.
Other folks may know of some more....
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
A few to get you going....
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...feel-like.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rve-happy.html
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...feel-like.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rve-happy.html
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by almattie 
I am tired of being the one left at home while he goes out and hangs out, drinks, tokes, and has no consideration for me in the world.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Is it enough to cancel out the hanging out, drinking, toking and no consideration? Sounds like he is going to do what he wants; what will you do that doesn't involve trying to get him to change?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 11
denny57,
I'm not getting what I need, that's for sure. But the problem is that I love him, we have been together now for eight years. He continues to mess up on the weekends and when Monday comes around here he is saying I just want to have a good weekend with you. Well what happened to the weekend that just passed. I continue to give and give and I'm not sure what I am getting besides, misery. Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?
I'm not getting what I need, that's for sure. But the problem is that I love him, we have been together now for eight years. He continues to mess up on the weekends and when Monday comes around here he is saying I just want to have a good weekend with you. Well what happened to the weekend that just passed. I continue to give and give and I'm not sure what I am getting besides, misery. Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by almattie
Why do the enablers continue to enable? Why can't we just stop?
I cannot give my power over to someone else to make my life, let alone my weekends, what I want them to be. That comes from me. I understand you've been together 8 years; AH and I were together 18. I finally got tired of not being happy in the relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 11
This is so nice to have someone to talk to someone who knows your pain. My abf is sitting at home right now drinking while at the same time asking me how can he make this right. He does not get that he has to change within himself. I can move on, I realize that it may take time, but after reading all of this I know that I am worth it. I keep begging for him to stay, when I should be begging for him to leave. I hate that so many people deal with the same situation. He and I have gotten into physical altercations when the alcohol increases the anger. I hate it and I hate him when he is like that. I have a nine year old son, that I need a good role modle for, I guess I was just waiting for my :praying abf to grow up and become that man in my sons life.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If you can't take action for yourself, do it for your sons sake. He doesn't deserve to grow up with an alcoholic as his role model for what a man should be, what a husband should be, what a father should be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Your son is learning how to be a man from your boyfriend.
You say this relationship gives you nothing but misery. If the thought of allowing yourself to spend ANOTHER 8 years in that relationship isn't enough to make you think about changing something up, maybe the thought that your son is patterning how to be a self-centered, violent, lying, abusive drunk from your BF might be more of a stimulus.
I don't mean that meanly -- I'm just a child who was forced to live through a childhood full of drunken brawls and miserable relationships because they "loved each other." In reality, they just didn't have the courage to change anything. And my siblings and I suffered for it.
You cannot change your boyfriend's priorities. But you can change your own. You deserve a GOOD life, and your son deserves a GOOD role model. You don't have to make any sudden moves but....I think you are capable of getting much more happiness and stability out of life than you are currently getting. There is happiness out there for you almattie, if you can break the 8 year habit of settling for less just to have him in your life.
Hugs, strength,and hope to you, from somebody who's been there too (mine was 7 years)
GL
You say this relationship gives you nothing but misery. If the thought of allowing yourself to spend ANOTHER 8 years in that relationship isn't enough to make you think about changing something up, maybe the thought that your son is patterning how to be a self-centered, violent, lying, abusive drunk from your BF might be more of a stimulus.
I don't mean that meanly -- I'm just a child who was forced to live through a childhood full of drunken brawls and miserable relationships because they "loved each other." In reality, they just didn't have the courage to change anything. And my siblings and I suffered for it.
You cannot change your boyfriend's priorities. But you can change your own. You deserve a GOOD life, and your son deserves a GOOD role model. You don't have to make any sudden moves but....I think you are capable of getting much more happiness and stability out of life than you are currently getting. There is happiness out there for you almattie, if you can break the 8 year habit of settling for less just to have him in your life.
Hugs, strength,and hope to you, from somebody who's been there too (mine was 7 years)
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
As many other's told me here in the beginning, get out while you still can... You're in for a lot of pain and a crazy life... 90% or more of them will never change, but you will believe their lies until you no longer believe them any more.
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