wpgwoman

Hello again,
I have been gone a while and have missed you all very much. I have been spending my time working on my issues and learning to really detach. Unfortunately, it seems in order to do that, I had to detach from any outside influences. I had to learn to make my decisions on my own. Be strong on my own. It was the only way I was able to follow through on my decisions all by myself. Does that make any sense???

My psychologist has been a godsend though. She has helped me greatly.

Much has happened in the past couple of weeks. I have come to realize that my A's "white knuckling" approach to sobriety will never be enough for me. Of course it works for him. I've now know that without learning the tools that are necessary to live with this disease, my life will continue to be filled with lies, disrespect, deceit, and hidden binges. Not the life I was meant to live.

I watched him pack his bags a couple of weekends ago. It was an unexpected tirade due to the fact the children were being loud an there was a program on TV that he wanted to watch. I believe that telling him to watch it downstairs if he didn't like the noise it was set him off. Could possibly be the fact that it was a Friday evening and that was always his favorite time to drink. It was always his way of unwinding after a hard week. He has never learned how to deal with his stresses. They are always looming over our heads, just waiting to surface. For the first time, all I did was watch. I did not beg him to stay, say sorry for something I did not do, or try to change his mind (that was the old me) It was his poor attempt to manipulate, I was not playing. He walked out the door that night, without his bags, and headed straight for his brothers. Oh what a bender he had. I could still smell the booze on him when he casually walked in for dinner the next evening, like nothing had happened.
He looked like hell, the smell of the stale beer repulsed me. The stench of urine coming from the clothes in his overnight bag in which he probably passed out in the night before was shameful.

Still not enough for him to admit that this disease is too powerful to beat on his own.

I am sitting upstairs as I type, looking at his packed belongings. He has repeatedly asked me to reconsider. He has tried to blame me. I've informed him that I am not powerful enough to force the booze down his throat. He has even gone far enough to tell me that I am throwing him to the wolves. "You know damn well what will happen to me if you make me leave. You will have to live with that." He almost had me on that one. I have informed him that AA would be a place to to find the support he needs. He has not been allowed to hang his clothes back in the closet. When he tries, they come right back out. My A has been told that he MUST follow through on his initial intent of leaving.

My A is LEAVING this Saturday. I have realized that I do love him and that it hurts me profoundly to watch him suffer. However, I hate the effects of this disease. It does not allow him to treat me the way that I deserve. What he does now, determines what our future holds. He must go to AA. He must get professional help to learn to deal with his issues without booze. He must initiate couples counseling. I could easily do it, but then that would be too easy for him. If this is the life he truly wants, than he will do whatever it takes to achieve it.

I am saddened as I write this because deep in my heart I know what will happen when he finally walks out the door. My codependent ways can no longer protect him from himself. Funny thing is, is that he recently told me how helpful my being so controlling is to him. It does not allow him to jump back into his old lifestyle. So sad.

I am sorry for the length of this post. Had a lot of lost time to make up for. I know for certain that this is only the beginning of the rough road ahead for me. I will need all of your support more than ever. If I thought I was codependant now, wait until he leaves and I can no longer monitor his behaviors.

I once shared that "The bare minimum that my partner must give me is 100%"
Today I believe that these words are more than wishful thinking. Today I believe it is what my children and I truly deserve.

Thanks for reading my rant. Hope to hear from you soon!!

Wpg.

jopenn

i feel w/ you are feeling and sense your pain how can i hlp? prayers and true respect for your courage to do the right thing jopenn

almattie

Wow. It may hurt now, but that hurt will be gone soon. Now you will be able to enjoy your life.

wpgwoman

Thank you for your response. This will probably be one of the toughest weeks of my life. I hope and pray that it will not be filled with the alkie/codie drama that I know all too well in these last few days before he moves on to the next phase of his life.

All I need right now is support and prayers to give me the strength I need to follow this through to the bitter end.

Wpg

ARealLady

Positive thoughts going your way, Wpg. You do what you have to do for YOU.

ARL

denny57

You may be pleasantly surprised how quickly life becomes calm and serene. I was.

((()))

DetachMe9

I am very interested in how it came to pass that HE is leaving. I would give a variety of body parts away to make that happen in my life. We both own the house, and he will not budge.

I see myself (and my AH) all over your post, and I wish you all the best. Sounds weird, but I also wish it was me writing your post. I am so done.

hbb

Wgp, my thoughts are with you and your children. My exabf was "white knuckling" it too, it's very difficult to say the least. I thought life would be good once sober and in AA, simply not the case what so ever for us. Just know that you did your best and that you and your children DO deserve nothing other than 100%. I'm thinking of you.

wpgwoman

Sorry you are hurting too. Read some of my threads, it might help you understand some of my history.

We are only commonlaw, I purchased the house shortly before he moved in. In my mind, it's mine. Locks will be changed. He is already aware of that. I have already arranged for the locksmith to show up, if he doesn't leave on his own. Will cancel the appointment if all goes well. If he chooses to go after the house later, then I'll deal with it then.

To be perfectly honest, I had to manipulate a little to get him out the door. He firmly believes it's temporary, while he gets his s*** together. That's the card I've been playing so far. My gut knows that once he walks out the door, it will be a downward spiral. He is still in denial, still doesn't think he is like the other "drunks" in AA.

Keep your fingers crossed, alot can happen between now and Saturday. He is Mr. Nice Guy now, that can change in a heart beat.

I just hope for very little drama. I've had enough

Wpg