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A realization

Old 11-12-2007, 09:00 AM
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A realization

It's been a while since I posted. AH got a DUI exactly 3 months ago. He didn't blow so he lost his license. For whatever reason, I decided to stay with him even though things were headed for divorce that week he got the DUI. But he pleaded with me, I caved because I thought this time he really understood how alcohol had ruined his life, his health, his relationships, our finances, our relationship etc. At first, he tried to abstain. But slowly he's increased his beer consumption to more than 12 a day. He even takes my car to get the beer now even w/o a license.

This weekend, I had a realization as I was asking how many beers he had (I know, I know) and that started the weekend-long fight and verbal abuse. The realization is that it's not the beer or alcohol that I can't tolerate, it's the total change of personality and resulting behavior. I know it sounds simple and I've heard it before, but it finally sunk in. I just don't like the person he becomes when drinking. I came to that realization because he constantly called me names, accused me infidelity, said I wasn't supportive of him with this DUI thing, etc. But the clincher, we had friends, a married couple over last night. AH was really drunk and so was she. Her husband and I went in the house after spending an hour in the hot tub. They stayed in the hot tub, he went outside and saw them, my friend and my husband kissing. I know they were both very drunk and hardly knew what they were doing. But my point is, being drunk totally changes an alcoholic's personality and makes them do things they would never do sober. Right now, I just want out of this situation. The kissing should bother me more, but I just don't care and I don't even know if either her husband or I will even tell them we know what they did.
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Old 11-12-2007, 10:28 AM
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So what is this realization going to change for you?
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Old 11-12-2007, 10:51 AM
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I guess what this realization is going to change for me is that now I can look at things with detached objectivity. My biggest issue is trying to be detached. Guilt always ropes me back into the situation. The focus has always been on him and his drinking. Now I can talk to myself as a friend and say, "Is this how you want to be treated? Do you always want to feel like this? Don't you value yourself? Look, he totally doesn't respect you or he wouldn't call you names. And he'll go after another woman when you're only 30 feet away? Who cares that he's such a great guy when he's not drinking! The point is, HE IS DRINKING and that's who he is NOW." Maybe I'll finally get the courage to leave for a few days or forever. Maybe I'll finally give up on the fairy tale that he can stay sober and be that great guy that I so seldom see anymore.
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Old 11-12-2007, 10:56 AM
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Having that conversation with yourself would be great. Having a similar conversation in my head (numerous times) got me to the point where I could take action to improve my life.
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Old 11-12-2007, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Saint Francis View Post
I know they were both very drunk and hardly knew what they were doing.
They knew exactly what they were doing. What are you going to do?
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Old 11-12-2007, 02:00 PM
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I was on that rollercoater for a long time. I got sick of it, he begged and promised to act better, I believed him, then it got bad again. You cannot totally put all the blame on the alcohol, because you have the idea in your head if they would just quit it will all be solved. It is so hard when they can be the nicest person when they are not drinking and then do totally terrible things when they are. My ex had an affair with his brothers wife. He blames it on the alcohol. Because someone is an alcoholic, it doesnt entitle them to a "get out of jail free" card. If he is doing that right under your nose, imagine what he is doing when you are not around? You deserve better than that!! believe me when I say, you wont just be able to forget it, and now when he is really drunk you will want to follow him around and see what he is up to next. My exs infidelity was 5 years ago and it is still a sore subject. Dont do that to yourself, you deserve more!!!!
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Old 11-12-2007, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by uncertainty View Post
You cannot totally put all the blame on the alcohol, because you have the idea in your head if they would just quit it will all be solved. It is so hard when they can be the nicest person when they are not drinking and then do totally terrible things when they are.

Because someone is an alcoholic, it doesnt entitle them to a "get out of jail free" card. If he is doing that right under your nose, imagine what he is doing when you are not around
I couldn't agree more, my exabf quit drinking but it didn't matter as his behavior was still bad and he cheated and lied to me straight to my face sober. Some people just display bad behavior regardless of drinking or not. I used to blame alot on his drinking like his attitude, after a while i came to realize this was him.

Hugs to you and hope things get better for you.
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Old 11-12-2007, 08:22 PM
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Please help me, my friends. I'm feeling soooo bad right now. AH left the house, w/o a car, probably a taxi. No note. I can't reach him by cell phone. I guess I'm being punished for being such a b*tch. I try, and did tonight, to do things for myself like playing trivia with my friends tonight, every Monday. I get home, he's gone. I feel soooo alone. What did I do wrong, exactly? I haven't even confronted him about the kiss with my friend. He would deny it anyway, just like how many beers he's had. I truly do not know what to do anymore. His court date, after the continuance is Wednesday, and I think he's freaking out and taking it out on me. As I sit here tonight, I just feel so alone...it sucks. I knew this was coming, but even with this knowledge, I'm not prepared. I love my husband soooooooo much. Nine years means nothing, does it? He told me earlier today that he wants to divorce me because I'm nothing but a b*tch and he hates everything about me. I keep remembering the book "Getting them sober" where it says it's very hard to lose an alcoholic, but I think I am...maybe it's because I'm such a b*tch. I feel so bad. Some of it is because I knew this was probably the outcome, and I'm so stupid, again! I realize now how little self esteem I have. Please help.
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Old 11-12-2007, 08:43 PM
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Do something different for a change. Do something for yourself. My marriage was 9 years as well, and he just always seemed like he could gamble it away. Alcoholics are great manipulators, he knows how to push your buttons, he knows how to make you feel sorry for him. My ex and I are separated, we have been for almost a year, when I put him out, he was still drinking for several months, after about 5 months I started to date someone and that was a waking point for him, he realized that he didnt have me on the "hook" anymore. So he started to go to AA. He has been sober for over 90 days, and I still find myself wanting to get on that rollercoaster again. But, the man I started to date is really kind and respectful and I am really finally realizing that I deserve that. When you live in that chaos for so long, it starts to seem normal. when you get away for a bit, you will have more clarity. It was/is hard to let go when you have a history with someone, but if you really look back it was a bad history,and you deserve a good future.
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Old 11-12-2007, 09:04 PM
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Thanks for helping. I'm so depressed and crying right now. I'm so unforgiving of myself that I "fell" for all the bs again. Just 3 months ago, I was going to leave and had the lawyer etc. Then I caved. He had been good for most of that time, but just lately with the intense drinking, it's been intollerable again. Ironically, it's our 9 year anniversary late November, but I don't think we're going to make it. Letting go of the dream...that's the hardest part. I don't even know where to go with our business together, home etc. Our finances are so emeshed (sp). Maybe he'll start the divorce proceedings since I'm such a "b*tch." Since I don't seem to have the balls. I guarantee the reason he left me tonight is because he didn't have easy access to beer...he probably thought he could take a taxi to a hotel and get himself a case, no b*tching from the nagging wife. Just looking at our financials, by me staying through his DUI, it's costing so far over $3K, plus fines, plus insurance. The best predictor of the future is the past. After he gets his work permit in 2 weeks, he'll be a menace on the roads again until he's caught, just a matter of time. Then it will be jail time and more $$$. AH went to AA, for a while, after DUI, but decided the mandated social services once a week negated his original obligation to AA. Dummy me, again. I'm such a fool. I can't forgive myself because I'm smart and know better. I would never be so foolish as to advise my friends to stay in this situation out of HOPE. Plain foolishness!
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Old 11-12-2007, 09:38 PM
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Hey there St. Francis

I am sorry you are hurting so bad. If you browse around the posts here you will see that we all cave, and more than once, before we get our emotions all figured out. I've learned that instead of kicking myself when I'm down, which is not that different from what _they_ do, I can take that anger and turn into energy to use for my own recovery.

As far as what to do with the business, you don't have to figure that out right this minute. I had _three_ business's with my ex, and we got it all figured out. You will too. We all do, one day at a time.

So if you would never be so foolish as to advise your friends to stay, what _would_ you advise a friend who's in your exact same situation? Would you tell to hate herself and be angry at herself? or would you tell her to dust herself off and get back to working on her plan?

Mike
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Old 11-12-2007, 10:59 PM
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nope...10 years ment nothing in my nighborhood either.
I just couldn't understand it. It's a bit bewildering.
It's not becuase I wasn't trying or cared.
probably becuse I was trying and caring to damn much.

I felt bad, i really did. Been bewildered many times before.
it helps to read other stories..becuase it was touch and go
and I felt so stupid and bewildered. Recognizing i was bewielder
was a start. i accepted it. it gave me a starting piont...again.
Dig myself out of the hole again...I guess.
Dosn't matter who's fault it is anymore..I was in the hole
and the only person that was going make his way out of there
was me.

I had to start the grieving and letting go process again.

The difference or whats getting me well or better a liitle bit
at a time everyday is no contacts. My mind would wonder
and worry about her all the time at first, but the no contacts
and the focus shifting to myself more, and more everyday is
helping.

I just hope i don't get well enough to go out and do it again.
I'm more awear of my reactions or certain traits. I'm not at , I
hate all women stage. I'm at , i don't belive i can ever get
into a relationship again. it's not a bad place to be.
Nothing is set in stone. it's just where I'm at today.
I'm living without her..so i guess that's progress.

I hope you get well soon.
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Old 11-13-2007, 07:03 AM
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Wow, it is amazing how there are so many simular situations here. I know it is so hard to let go. Take charge of your life and be responsible for your own happiness. You get stuck in thinking if he would only quit, we could be happy. Don't tie your happiness up in his sobriety, because it might never happen. Don't overwhelm yourself with the details. Take it day by day. We have three businesses and two kids. Its been a year now that we have been separated and we still havent done anything with the businesses. As time goes by, you WILL feel stronger and think clearer and it wont be as difficult. Its funny when I talk to friends and we discuss all the things he has done, I hear myself talking about it, and I just can't believe that I stayed as long as I did.When you are in it, you are just trying to get by, and you get numb, you are just focusing on how to put the next fire out. You don't realize how badly you are being taken advantage of. Our 9th anniversary was in October and Yes it was sad. But it would be much worse if you were celebrating 10 or 15 and living in the same unhappiness. This is not an end for you, its a beginning. You can decide what YOU want for a change instead of being controlled by having to deal with whatever he deals you next. You are lonley, because you have no messes to clean up, no excuses to make or eggshells to walk on. Do something for yourself today!! Remember how you were before this entered your life and find yourself again!!!
You never realize how much you have sacrificed to just exsist. Stop existing and LIVE!! He is going to do whatever he wants, it is the selfish nature of the alcoholic. No matter what, you are going to have no control over that. So concentrate on the things you can control and that is YOUR life!!!
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Old 11-13-2007, 08:11 AM
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Uncertainty, it seems we're living parallel lives, except you're further along. I can understand from your other thread how you wonder if you should get back on the roller coaster after they start a program for a few months. I though my AH would seriously embrace AA. He did a few times for a while, but starts drinking so much again that I guess he thinks it would be hypocritical for him to go and he hasn't for 6 weeks even though I was completely willing to drive him there, whenever. I guess I've completely run out of options to "help" him. He's been to rehab 3 times, short stints. I've gotten his family involved once, but now they don't want to deal with the alcohol issue anymore...they're tired of it and he's convinced them it's my fault he drinks because I'm the insane alcoholic.

So now where this leaves me is to focus on myself while he spirals again. When people say, "do something for yourself," I don't even know what that means. I mean, I think I do things for myself too...at least I'm accused of my selfishness and self involvement constantly.

I just can't stop obsessing about him. The more I try to think and do something else, the more I think of him. But he's off again on a binge, leaving me stuck running the business, again. I don't know where he is, again, but I'm quite certain he's not obsessing about me or giving me much thought at all except for how much he hates me.
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Old 11-13-2007, 09:02 AM
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We ceratinly are! I keep thinking that if I go ahead and let him come back, he will start drinking. I keep thinking this is just another "ploy" to get me back. I can't get through my head how someone can love or even care about you and do all the things he has done. But, I have told myself that no one had to define my relationship with him, who knows what will happen. We are functioning from separate homes and work together and raise children togther. Right now, it had been good for his sobriety. I keep thinking that the longer he keeps up with the AA, if he is going just to get me back, maybe that will change.

He doesn't hate you. They just don't know how to love us. They don't know how to love themselves. The one thing that I have realized about this whole journey is that is isnt about me. It never has been. They do absolutely ridiculous things when they are drinking, how can you expect them to be able to provide us with any sense of normalcy? You live in survival mode so long you forget how to live, and you settle for the crumbs. What ever they throw at you to make sure there is still hope there. You question why am i not enough? Why is our family not enough? How could he do this to us? Truth is he is doing it to himself. No matter who you are, if you were thinner, prettier, smarter, it wouldnt matter, its not about you, its about him!!!

My ex was always so judgemental of me and people around him because it made him not seem so bad. Yours is only calling you names and acting like its because of you because he needs someone to blame for his alcoholism. That is why AA stresses so much taking responsibility for themselves. Its kind of a dog ate my homework thing. Blame everyone except themselves. Because if it is their fault then THEY have to do something about it.

I know it is very difficult to run the business when he is off "enjoying" himself. I was always the worker and my ex was always the spender. As far as your selfishness, that again is to make you feel that the crumbs are good. But when I really examined our relationship, I wasnt even getting the basics, the givens. Honesty, faithfulness, respect, love. I know too it is hard to find something to do for yourself, i got to a point with some of my friends where it was difficult for them to be friends with me. It was the same old story, guess what he did now? I am leaving . and then the next thing you know things were good again. They got tired of seeing me suffer and couldnt understand how easily I could get sucked back in. As far as the family goes, no matter what, that is their relative. I know it is so painful to be really trying your best for someone and putting up with so much bull and not be supported for it. My exs mother went as far as calling me up and telling me she knows why I wont take him back, because I am a lesbian. (definately not!!) I asked her why she couldnt face the fact that I might want better for my life, like a man who didnt abuse me, cheat on me and not be passed out every night. Her response was maybe he will find someone that doesn't have migraine headaches (i have maybe 3 a year). It is SO crazy!! But if you look at it realistically they are making excuses for him, like we do.

It is so hard to focus on ourselves, becaue everything we do is controlled by their actions, mood, sobriety..ect. You will actually have to LEARN to think about yourself again. When I told my ex to leave, I went to town on my house, painted the bathroom, the kitchen, redecorated the playroom. Try working on putting your energy into something that you will get something out of!! My house looks terrific (even if I am not the best painter)!! Or simply just go out to the store and get yourself a new holiday decoration. Find the words to the Evanesence song "call me when you are sober" and read them. Very good. I actually changed his ringtone to that song.

The only thing that YOU can control is YOUR actions.
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Old 11-13-2007, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Saint Francis View Post
What did I do wrong, exactly?
You wanted him to act like a respectful, decent human being. You want him to stop being a drunk. You want him to not have sex with your so-called friend.

And there's not a d*mn thing wrong with that, St.Francis.

I once had that kind of self-esteem, where people treated me like dirt, verbally and physically abused me, dishonored me in every way possible, and I reacted by rolling over and saying "Oh, what can I do to keep you around so you will do this to me more."

You deserve better than this, and a good place to start is talking to a counselor of some sort. I found, after a little trial-and-error, someone who helped talk me through what was going on, where that all came from in my history, and how to slowly -- baby step by baby step -- start undoing it so I could be happier. If you can find it in yourself to do this, I think you will be startled at how much happier you can become.

This place is wonderful too, as are Al-Anon meetings. They help us to see that we're not crazy. That our dreams and wishes are not unimportant, as our alcoholics would love us to think. That you have a right to feel joy in life.

I hope you will take one small step in that direction today. Life is far, far too short to suffer the kind of abuse you're being subjected to.

As for his disappearance...it's only punishment if YOU let it be. Know that in the view of many people you've shared your story with, you deserve much much much more than he is willing or able to give you, and if he were to leave you might just find someone who treasures you rather than spits on you. I know you love him but that's no reason to allow him to treat you like a mangy dog he shares his home with. You matter.

Keep posting....there is a lot of help and compassion here.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 11-13-2007, 11:32 AM
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This thread just absolutely pushed me over the edge today. I have nothing helpful to add, other than I'm in the same boat with you. Please read my new thread I just posted, if it helps to know someone else who's right there with you. I wish you all happiness and hope for the future.
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Old 11-13-2007, 11:45 AM
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Saint Francis, oh how your posts brought back some sickening memories for me.

You wrote "They stayed in the hot tub, he went outside and saw them, my friend and my husband kissing."

My XABF sat across from me on the deck of his houseboat, his best friend's girlfriend came over, and they proceeded to start kissing right in front of me. He said to her "oh, baby, that was so good" in just the same tone he'd tell me. I'd forgotten that for SO long until your post. At the time I looked at him and said "you PROMISED" and stormed to the opposite end of the boat. Did he follow me? No. I eventually went back and wouldn't speak to him. His excuses were so very lame.

Reading your post, I feel all the emotions come back. The stress, the sick feeling in the stomach, the chaos, the feeling that I had no power. As time went on, he began verbally abusing me too.

But months later, I live my life in peace because I know what a worthless POS shell of a man he is. I know how he's lied to women for decades, how his life has become a cesspool, the moral compass is gone, and how he's slowly committing alcoholic suicide. And I will have NO part of it.

You have reminded me again of the horror of being with an insane A, and I hope and pray that you are able to break free and fine tranquility, as I have. God Bless.
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:01 PM
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(((CBrown))))
Been there too. I think I need some pepto just from thinking about it. Horrible days. Saint Francis, you deserve better.
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