Resentment, how to get over?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Resentment, how to get over?
I have recently realised that one of MY problems is that I resent DH, and keep thinking 'why do I have to bother, he doesn't'. It's also spilling over into other parts of my life, but I think it's best to think it out with regard to my home life first of all.
It feels so juvenile, but when I'm feeling tired, I wonder why I should have to bother going to work, after all he stopped 7 years ago, and life has been fine. Why should I bother tidying up the house, he is at home all day, he should do it. Why do I have to get up early on the weekends, after all I've been at work all week. It also feels (rightly or wrongly) that if I do get organised and take control, this is his signal to do less.
The problem with this is that this isn't the life I want. I don't want to do the bare minimum to survive. I'm not happy in my life (I think I am depressed at the moment, but all this attitude isn't helping). I want to be like the happy productive people I admire, but I just can't do it. My life seems to consist of doing the bare minimum. To be honest, the only difference between this life, and being dead, is that if I were dead I wouldn't have to get up in the morning and go to work.
How do I break out of this? How do I reclaim the life I want?
FWIW, we went to marriage counselling for the first time last week, the guy we saw spent a lot of time evaluating our (well, mainly DHs) situation, then said that while he was willing to work with us, nothing could really be done unless DH stopped drinking. DH has said that he will stop for a while, then we will re-evaluate where we are in a few months. (between the holidays and the new baby, there is going to be a lot going on for the next while). He hasn't had any physical effects to not drinking, either this time or before, (the counsellor seemed to ask all the right questions, and asked about this in quite specific detail), and I haven't noticed any myself, so I don't think there will be physical problems. This is all very encouraging, but I'm still sitting on the fence until some time has passed. I'm not very hopeful, but not ready to move out yet either, if that makes sense.
It feels so juvenile, but when I'm feeling tired, I wonder why I should have to bother going to work, after all he stopped 7 years ago, and life has been fine. Why should I bother tidying up the house, he is at home all day, he should do it. Why do I have to get up early on the weekends, after all I've been at work all week. It also feels (rightly or wrongly) that if I do get organised and take control, this is his signal to do less.
The problem with this is that this isn't the life I want. I don't want to do the bare minimum to survive. I'm not happy in my life (I think I am depressed at the moment, but all this attitude isn't helping). I want to be like the happy productive people I admire, but I just can't do it. My life seems to consist of doing the bare minimum. To be honest, the only difference between this life, and being dead, is that if I were dead I wouldn't have to get up in the morning and go to work.
How do I break out of this? How do I reclaim the life I want?
FWIW, we went to marriage counselling for the first time last week, the guy we saw spent a lot of time evaluating our (well, mainly DHs) situation, then said that while he was willing to work with us, nothing could really be done unless DH stopped drinking. DH has said that he will stop for a while, then we will re-evaluate where we are in a few months. (between the holidays and the new baby, there is going to be a lot going on for the next while). He hasn't had any physical effects to not drinking, either this time or before, (the counsellor seemed to ask all the right questions, and asked about this in quite specific detail), and I haven't noticed any myself, so I don't think there will be physical problems. This is all very encouraging, but I'm still sitting on the fence until some time has passed. I'm not very hopeful, but not ready to move out yet either, if that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
well, techie, i think the feelings of resentment are quite normal in your situation....we've all been there and felt them too.
how to get over them? i went to al-anon, came here to this forum, and traveled the rough road to recovery for myself. i had to stop enabling my xh, had to stop trying to stop him, had to stop counting his drinks and trying to outmanipulate him, had to chose my battles about wht was really important to me. al-anon helped me with all this.
i had to enter a recovery program to get over the resentments. plain and simple. once i got into recovery and started taking care of myself, and realizing i couldn't change wht he did, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.
it was wonderful to find out that i wasn't responsible for the well being of the universe.
i understand your frustration and hopelessness......i would have been in the round house by now, if i had not sought recovery for myself, and learned to leave my xh alone (we were married at the time). course, the healthier i got, the more i realized that staying in my situation was hurting me very much andmaking me very sick.
that was 3 long years ago, and i wouldn't trade my life now for all the cowboy hats in texas. my life is good....simple, but good. i greet each day with an excitement and sweetness for the most simple things. recovery is simply the best thing that i ever did for myself.
i hope this helps you in even the tiniest way.
big ole loving hugs to you
jeri
how to get over them? i went to al-anon, came here to this forum, and traveled the rough road to recovery for myself. i had to stop enabling my xh, had to stop trying to stop him, had to stop counting his drinks and trying to outmanipulate him, had to chose my battles about wht was really important to me. al-anon helped me with all this.
i had to enter a recovery program to get over the resentments. plain and simple. once i got into recovery and started taking care of myself, and realizing i couldn't change wht he did, the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.
it was wonderful to find out that i wasn't responsible for the well being of the universe.
i understand your frustration and hopelessness......i would have been in the round house by now, if i had not sought recovery for myself, and learned to leave my xh alone (we were married at the time). course, the healthier i got, the more i realized that staying in my situation was hurting me very much andmaking me very sick.
that was 3 long years ago, and i wouldn't trade my life now for all the cowboy hats in texas. my life is good....simple, but good. i greet each day with an excitement and sweetness for the most simple things. recovery is simply the best thing that i ever did for myself.
i hope this helps you in even the tiniest way.
big ole loving hugs to you
jeri
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey Techie, I think for me the best way of letting go of the resentment I felt towards abf was, as embraced says, learning to help me. I am trying to not concentrate on him any more, and re discover who I am.
This weekend, I begun a 'grateful diary', each day I get up I am going to write 'I am grateful for...' and then list things i.e. My daughter, my health, a new day to heal myself, etc etc, what ever you can think of that is truely gratifying to you and only you! Then I write 'Today I am feeling...', and actually listen to yourself, acknowledge the emotions that you are carrying around, then underneath in a bright color so that the message stands out, write an affirmation. So if for example you are feeling sorrow, ask your self why that is, acknowledge the hurt inside you and why, then state I CHOOSE TO... LET GO OF MY SORROW, BE CREATIVE, DO SOMETHING I FIND FUN AND BE A HAPPIER ME. Most importantly LOVE YOURSELF! Begin to look at your self in a mirror each day and tell your self you are beautiful, productive strong and tell yourself you love YOU!
All this may sound silly, and at first you may feel strange for talking to yourself in a mirror. However, it is almost like re training your mind. Over this time you have begun to talk to your self in a negative way and so each day you are caring this negativity around inside of you, it chips away at your confidence and inner peace. It becomes a habit. By doing these things you will be re focusing your mind on the happier aspects of life, training your self to find the positive in your life, after time, being positive will be your new habit of life.
Also, be kind to your self! It is alright to be LAZY!!! So what if the washing up isn't done for a few days??? HE doesn't carry the burden of it because he is CHOOSING not to. In the same way you can CHOOSE to just relax, have the lazy few days. Hey, it's not going anywhere! You aren't superwoman and sometimes we all need to be patient and kinder to ourselves, stop beating ourselves up for what we haven't done, or did do and now regret blah blah.
Tomorrow is a fresh page in your book of life. How would you like your story to sound?
This weekend, I begun a 'grateful diary', each day I get up I am going to write 'I am grateful for...' and then list things i.e. My daughter, my health, a new day to heal myself, etc etc, what ever you can think of that is truely gratifying to you and only you! Then I write 'Today I am feeling...', and actually listen to yourself, acknowledge the emotions that you are carrying around, then underneath in a bright color so that the message stands out, write an affirmation. So if for example you are feeling sorrow, ask your self why that is, acknowledge the hurt inside you and why, then state I CHOOSE TO... LET GO OF MY SORROW, BE CREATIVE, DO SOMETHING I FIND FUN AND BE A HAPPIER ME. Most importantly LOVE YOURSELF! Begin to look at your self in a mirror each day and tell your self you are beautiful, productive strong and tell yourself you love YOU!
All this may sound silly, and at first you may feel strange for talking to yourself in a mirror. However, it is almost like re training your mind. Over this time you have begun to talk to your self in a negative way and so each day you are caring this negativity around inside of you, it chips away at your confidence and inner peace. It becomes a habit. By doing these things you will be re focusing your mind on the happier aspects of life, training your self to find the positive in your life, after time, being positive will be your new habit of life.
Also, be kind to your self! It is alright to be LAZY!!! So what if the washing up isn't done for a few days??? HE doesn't carry the burden of it because he is CHOOSING not to. In the same way you can CHOOSE to just relax, have the lazy few days. Hey, it's not going anywhere! You aren't superwoman and sometimes we all need to be patient and kinder to ourselves, stop beating ourselves up for what we haven't done, or did do and now regret blah blah.
Tomorrow is a fresh page in your book of life. How would you like your story to sound?
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Taz told me something I didn't like hearing - at first...but it really helped me get through my anger streak.
Do, or re-do step 4.
I didn't make XABF go downhill so much he despises himself...but I did have ownership in things I had the power to change. Gaining power in this manner helped me to let go of resentment and my victim mentality.
Resentment is so painful and draining - and I hope you find relief soon. (((hugs)))
Do, or re-do step 4.
I didn't make XABF go downhill so much he despises himself...but I did have ownership in things I had the power to change. Gaining power in this manner helped me to let go of resentment and my victim mentality.
Resentment is so painful and draining - and I hope you find relief soon. (((hugs)))
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
You will know when the time comes. Dont beat yourself up and take time out. True, not much will change until he decides he wants to stop. You know the saying,,, nothing changes unless you change it.
In the end we beat our selves up because we want the person to change, but in the end if you have waited and waited, its time to change yourself.
Best wishes.
In the end we beat our selves up because we want the person to change, but in the end if you have waited and waited, its time to change yourself.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I can relate to the housework thing, "Why should I do everything?", it used to drive me mad that he wouldn't do a thing around the house and I was struggling to cope. Then my mum said to me "You're not cleaning the house for him, you're doing it for yourself and your daughter"...and I thought "Yeah".
Yeah, it's not fair, but if he wasn't there you'd be doing it all anyway, because you want and deserve a clean enviroment, and like Lily said, who cares if the dishes aren't done for a few days....there are no rules, do it when you want for you.
I also stopped doing things for him, he now does his own washing and ironing, his own cooking etc..and he does help out alot more, but he's been sober for 5 months now too.
Remember, it's not about him, it's about you. x
Yeah, it's not fair, but if he wasn't there you'd be doing it all anyway, because you want and deserve a clean enviroment, and like Lily said, who cares if the dishes aren't done for a few days....there are no rules, do it when you want for you.
I also stopped doing things for him, he now does his own washing and ironing, his own cooking etc..and he does help out alot more, but he's been sober for 5 months now too.
Remember, it's not about him, it's about you. x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
If you think you are depressed don't mess with that. Maybe you should see a counsel just for you and along with a marriage counselor. You deserve to take care of yourself. we have all been where you are.
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