jayna1234

new on here....heres my situation....ive been married for 15 years to a functioning alchololic.we have 2 boys 8 and 14. i have always known he drank beer but only in the past 8 years or so ive realized he cannot go one day with out drinking. when i first met him he drank gin and he would get mean and horrible from it. he stopped drinking that before i married him but continued with beer everyday. so he drinks on the way home from work (he owns his own business and does very well) when he gets in he goes right to sleep for like 2 hours...wakes up and drinks until he goes to sleep. now i have taken all hard liquer out of my house because i kept finding bottles of liquer disapearing slowly. i think he would do a few shots every night so i threw it all out. he cannot go without drinking even when he takes the kids out. he sneaks beer in a cooler and hides it in the trunk. when he drinks he is a very different person. he yells at the kids for stupid things and he is a horrible parent. he just lays on the couch and goes back and forth to the garage all night to drink(i told him he cannot keep it in the house so he sneaks it in the garage). my children are very aware of his drinking. i told my 14 yr old that he cant stop and he is an alcoholic. my little one has anger over it...he doesnt understand why he wont stop drinking and he says hes mean when he drinks. its taring me apart to watch my children have to deal with this...also i have no feelings left towards him anymore. he is a terrible father. i have totally withdrawn from him....i dont think there is any way of saving this. he is in total denial of his problem and refuses to ever speak about it...he comes from a family of alcoholics..his father , brother and one brother died from an overdose. i dont want my boys growing up with this and risking them becoming alcholics when there older.....im just worried about my fiancial situation because unfortunatley i am dependent on him financially..and im scared to make a move.....is there anyone with any advice??? im in school now trying to further my career possibilities.he says it s my fault the kids are mad at him because i told them. rcently i stopped hiding this from everyone and started telling poeple how much he drinks because im not protecting him anymore. he is very embarrassed if anybody knows anything about his drinking. he is also a workaholic and drinks caffine at work but then around 3 or so begins with the beer. ineed some advice...am i wrong for being this concerned???? everyone else says to get out.

Lilyflower

Hi there Jayna,

No I don't think your wrong for being concerned about him, the kids, yourself. Its a good thing because it shows what a deeply compassionate person you are. However! I would be careful that this concern for HIM doesn't overshadow your life. You and your kids are most important now.

The children must be feeling resentful towards thier Dad because they are getting to an age where the can appreciate what they think a 'normal' home is like (if there is anything that is normal!).

You CANNOT help him, as I think you already know, but throwing out the booze will only add to the aminosity at home and won't stop him from drinking if he wants too.

I think it is very important for the kids to feel that they can be upset with their Dad and it's OK. They are learning a very important lesson right now, which is that even our parents can mess up. I am interested in how you talk to your children about it all though. If you are in a place where all you can feel is anger toward him, your children will reflect this. Their resentment of him will grow, their understanding and peace will diminish.

I have a 9yr old, who knows all about abf's problem. At first, he complained about me talking to her about it. Said I was making her hate him blah blah! However I carried on regardless. My daughter knows she can ask for 'private time' for us to talk about how she is feeling. I have explained to her about his 'illness' and how this illness can make him selfish, and difficult to be around at times, how the illness can make a person say things which are not true because they want their own way and like to try to control. Most importantly I have told her that mummy AND step Dad are ill. That mummy is trying to make herself better everyday and that when it is right for him he will too. I have told her that our problems ARE NOT her fault, and that we are old enough to help ourselves.

It is an uphill struggle to stay and live with the issue of drinking, and it is not always the best way for everyone. Here people DO understand that just walking away is not so simple.

Financially... good for you for studying to improve yourself! This is a wise thing to do! Things can change, and WILL change, it is impossible for things not to. How they change is up to you!

You have begun to take steps towards this change and you are doing great! Keep telling yourself that. He will feel the differences in you and will try the 'guilt game' and other ways to manipulate you to try to get his 'codie' back. Stay positive and don't allow him to do this.

Read the stickies here and get to know us all. Hope to see you here often!

Good luck to you!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

mamaplus2kids

Two symptoms of co-dependency are lying and controlling. I wouldn't advertise the fact that your husband's drinking is out of control to the world, but I wouldn't lie about it either. If you are telling people with the aim to shame him into stopping drinking, then that's controlling. If you are able to talk to your kids about it in a way that is not angry, then that's good. The last thing you want is your children feeling burdened with having to be your psychologists. I would try to encourage them to talk about their feelings about it.

Barbara52

As long as you keep the conversation age appropriate, you are right to talk to your kids about their father's alcoholism. They are affected by it, deeply, and need help understanding. The older boy may get some value out of alateen. Both may benefit from individual counselling. Do what you can to help and protect your kids. They are in a difficult situation that will shape their lives.

You also may benefit form alanon or counselling. It sounds like you are doing you best to get your self financially independent. That's a positive step regarldess what you end up doing.

loverof1

Hello,

I felt that I had no choice in telling our kids (14 and 11) what the real problem is. They already knew something was wrong, but they thought it was them. They thought the problem was me. I had to make it clear that we have no control over what has happened and that dad is sick. I take them to alanon with me even though dad is very very angry about it.

I want my kids to have a clear understanding of what can happen if you choose to be irresponsible when drinking. It was a choice he made ...and kept making and now he is dependent (or at least that is what I believe).

My husband is drinking up to a liter of whiskey a day now. God help his liver...and yet he does not have a problem as far as he is concerned. Go figure.

Jazzman

My Father was a mean an nasty drunk when i was in my teens. It had a huge impact on myself and my sister and still to this day has left deep residual scars. Don't underestimate how much this is effecting your kids. The childrens emotional and mental health should be a huge priority for the sober parent.

I would chime in with the others suggesting therapy for everyone effected by your husbands chemical dependency problems.

rawr_x

you are not wrong for telling your kids. they need to know otherwise they will be confused and will hurt even worse.