Gettingstronger1

This just sucks so bad. What can't he get better? Whay can't he change? Why can't this be easier? What should I do?
Why can't I just leave? He has broken boundaries and trust? It's time to go so why can't I leave?
I know it's complicated, there are financial issues and our baby and the hope, that damned hope that things could be better, different.

ihatethis

I don't have the answers, but I feel like if I don't post I'm leaving you all alone. You have a baby to think of now, and if in doubt.... do the best thing for your child.

Yesterday I read a post that was dealing with this topic... when the pain stops... I'm going to re-post it for you. It made me sob, and I don't remember the last time I cried. (I tend to go numb.) You're the only one that can make this decision... but whatever you choose, keep coming back. Someone is always here.

For all our new friends at SR: Are you wondering when the pain stops?

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Are you wondering when the pain stops?

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

Gettingstronger1

The weird part is that when I am ready to leave, my relationship with his family keeps me with him. I perpetuate that by calling them and telling them what is going on. I guess it's probably just a desperate attempt to get him to change and explain the situation in enough detail so that they will not judge me. In the end, I need to focus on me and what is good for me and our baby. It's just so hard to let him go and the hope of him recovering go. But truly, I need to put that iin his and GOd's hands and in the meantime, take care of myself.

ihatethis

I do understand wanting to change his thought process. Everything would be so wonderful if he would just.... (fill in the blank), and I understand feeling the need to explain to family. But you are not responsible, and you know that. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are different so it make take some time to feel that knowledge. But you do not deserve judgement for his behaviour.

I am not saying that he will never clean up. He could. Maybe losing you and his baby will be bottom for him. Maybe it won't be. I think you know what you're doing, even if you don't have confidence in yourself right now. As you said... leave it in God's hands and take care of yourself.

Mr. Christian

Things wont change until you make them change.
He is not going to anything about it and any real HOPE for you or the child lies with you.

Hard to swallow but true.

His family has NOTHING to do with your recovery or safety.

Gettingstronger1

You are right and I appreciate your post. He's drunk in the woods right now and his family called me to tell me I need to tell him to come home or call someone to get him. That is ridiculous, I know. It's just hard, I feel like the evil B------ even though I know I'm not.
He is unsafe and you are right. There is just this nagging part of me that is saying, maybe if I handled my anxiety better he wouldn't be in the woods right now. Maybe if I had acted with more serenity. I have not been going to Al Anon meetings bc they fall right at my baby's bedtime. But maybe if I had gone to Al Anon, this recovery attempt would have worked.
Anyways, I know deep down that if he had really wanted recovery, nothing would stand in his way.
Colleen

chero

GettingStronger, I've been where you are and 12 years later the hope still had a hold on me. But finally, I found the courage and strength to leave.
No matter what anyone said to me, though, I couldn't leave until it was time for me to leave. I can't explain it, but when the time is right you will do it and eventually you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier...eventually.

The hardest lesson is knowing that you can't change him no matter what you try or how much you hope things will get better. If you choose to stay then ask yourself what do you have to do to stay. What are you willing to live with?
What advice would you tell your best friend or sister if they were in the same situation you are in??

Gettingstronger1

He is in the woods right now and I'm worried he is going to freeze to death. What should I do?

Mr. Christian

Nothing, you do nothing.

I'd check into some other meeting times also, or get a sitter.

DesertEyes

Hi there GettingStronger, and pleased to meet you

You can do for him whatever he is unable to do for himself.

Is he unconscious? Has he injured himself to the point that he is bleeding? Then call 911.

The point is that he is not a child, he is capable of making decisions for himself in regards to his own health and well being. If he _chooses_ to continue drinking, as stupid as that decision may be, then it is his right to make that choice. It is also his right to deal with the consequences of that decision. If he wants to ruin his life by drinking it away, he has every right to do so.

_Your_ choice is whether you want your life to be ruined as well. You are also an adult and have the right to do with your life as you choose. You can join him in his insanity, or you can call al-anon and start a new life for yourself.

If he is driving drunk with your baby in his car, then dial 911.

Am I making sense?

Mike

ihatethis

The onus isn't on you. His family called you to pass the buck. You're not the only one that knows where he is.

wraybear

Colleen, I have been right where you are, but I was 14 years into it. I spent 14 years saying "if I would have handled this differently" "if I had acted better" "if I this, if I that" My husband DID almost die, twice after I kicked him out. I did go through a period of guilt, but I knew in my gut, I really did not have anything to do with it. Yes, we must think about I, but not so much that we blame ourselves for everything that the addict is doing or isn't doing. i know you already know that. Just thought I would remind you. Think about what YOU can do to make YOUR life better and your baby's life better. If you choose to separate it doesn't have to be permanent. Although I had family and friends telling me to divorce I made a decision to not get divorced today, so I didn't think about it today. That went on for several months.

Yes, I think many addicts want recovery, but the insanity and the overwhelming obsession for their drug of choice wins out many times. But, addicts do recover. But, you are right, he must not be ready. He simply isn't "done" yet.

I hate this disease. It is so sad how many lives are affected by addiction. But, the good news is, you can get better, and healthy whether he does or not!

Take care, and see if you can find someone to watch the baby while you go to an Alanon meeting!

rawr_x

just hang in there, its gets worse before it gets better

uncertainty

I have to say, I have been there. I have two children with my husband. I always said that I stayed for the kids. His father is an alcoholic and his mother stayed for years. She finally left him when she was in her 70s. She is SO bitter, she stayed and what did she get out of it? and BOTH of her children have addiction issues and emotional problems. I didn't want that to be me or my children. I realized I couldnt use the kids as my excuse, I had to use them as my reason. I did not want to continue this cycle for them. THEY deserve better. I have five brothers and sisters, my grandfathers on both sides were alcoholics, my aunt is an alcoholic, my dad before he died was an alcoholic (I was only 3 mo old). My mom married again and this time to someone who was not an alcoholic. NONE of my brothers and sisters are drinkers. My mom broke the pattern. When you live with something, you start to accept it or it will eat you alive. and before you know it months and years have passed with you just trying to survive instead of really living. What is that teaching your child? How can you be in a positive mental state to properly care for them? I left my AH a year ago, he continued to drink. I started to date someone else, and that was his bottom. He is going to AA and has been sober for over 100 days and has been so much better for our kids. He is a much better dad. You have to remember that with an alcoholic you never know what is going to happen, you are always thinking what next? Don't put your child in that cycle. My ex drove drunk with them in the car, and i can only blame myelf. I was lucky that nothing terrible happened. Obviously, he is not thinking rationally, going out inthe cold with the potential to freeze is just idiotic. He isn't thinking clearly, and it will only get worse. What is he going to do next? and will it involve your baby? are you willing to gamble on that?