He rarely put me first...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3
He rarely put me first...
This is my first post and I am very confused right now. I just ended a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for almost a year and we had been dating for about 6 months. When we first started dating he thought of me and did nice things for me. He would drive to my house and do things that I wanted to do. Now everytime I want to do something that interferes with what he wants we end out fighting. Is it to much to hope that he will ever be able to put me above himself? He was so wonderful in the beginning... is there any hope or do I just need to find someone that can give me more than this RA can?
I don't want to make it sound like he never does anything for me anymore, but the majority of things are all about him and if I want to spend time with him I have to go along with what he is already doing...
I don't want to make it sound like he never does anything for me anymore, but the majority of things are all about him and if I want to spend time with him I have to go along with what he is already doing...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sorry you are feeling pain right now. You've found a great place filled with people who know what you are going thruough.
If you've ended the relationship, why are you looking for reasons to get back into it? What do you thnk is going to change? Why do you not want something better for yourself than a relationship that would be difficult at best?
If you've ended the relationship, why are you looking for reasons to get back into it? What do you thnk is going to change? Why do you not want something better for yourself than a relationship that would be difficult at best?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
farfromclear,
A healthy relationship is one in which either of these things happens:
1) the people involved in it have enough common interests that life becomes a fair and interesting mix of time spent happily together and time spent in our own pursuits, or
2) the people involved in it don't have common interests, but love and respect one another enough to compromise and do things from both sides, so that both people feel cared-for and honored.
It sounds like your ex-relationship was neither of these. Going back into it doesn't sound like the best thing for you, in my humble opinion. As long as you are pursuing an empty relationship without a future, you are not opening yourself up to a Good one that may come along.
I know you're in pain but I think that the only way to really respect yourself is to find a relationship that respects your needs. Don't you think so?
Take extra-special care of yourself. Do all of the things for YOU that he would not. Pamper yourself, do the things that please you, do things that grow you as a person. Your happiness doesn't have to come from outside of you. I think you've made a wise choice ending a relationship that didn't honor you as an equal partner.
Hugs,
GL
A healthy relationship is one in which either of these things happens:
1) the people involved in it have enough common interests that life becomes a fair and interesting mix of time spent happily together and time spent in our own pursuits, or
2) the people involved in it don't have common interests, but love and respect one another enough to compromise and do things from both sides, so that both people feel cared-for and honored.
It sounds like your ex-relationship was neither of these. Going back into it doesn't sound like the best thing for you, in my humble opinion. As long as you are pursuing an empty relationship without a future, you are not opening yourself up to a Good one that may come along.
I know you're in pain but I think that the only way to really respect yourself is to find a relationship that respects your needs. Don't you think so?
Take extra-special care of yourself. Do all of the things for YOU that he would not. Pamper yourself, do the things that please you, do things that grow you as a person. Your happiness doesn't have to come from outside of you. I think you've made a wise choice ending a relationship that didn't honor you as an equal partner.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I guess my take on a relationship that is healthy is when both partners give and take for each others needs. It should not be all what he wants or all what she wants out of the relationship.
Sadly to say an alcoholic/addict, even in recovery, has had alcohol/drugs as the main focus of their life and their desires to drink/use drugs or to become clean/sober in their program of recovery. Many times they may choose to do it their way without a program of recovery and will have the continued behaviors of the alcoholic/addict without the alcohol or drugs.
If clean/sober in a program of recovery they are used to putting themselves first in order to work their program. That is why it is important for a spouse or SO to participate in a program of recovery themselves, which would be Alanon or Naranon.
Then each partner can learn to respect each other and their individual needs. The non-alcoholic needs to
focus on their needs without compromising either themselves or enabling the alcoholic to continue in their behaviors.
kelsh
Sadly to say an alcoholic/addict, even in recovery, has had alcohol/drugs as the main focus of their life and their desires to drink/use drugs or to become clean/sober in their program of recovery. Many times they may choose to do it their way without a program of recovery and will have the continued behaviors of the alcoholic/addict without the alcohol or drugs.
If clean/sober in a program of recovery they are used to putting themselves first in order to work their program. That is why it is important for a spouse or SO to participate in a program of recovery themselves, which would be Alanon or Naranon.
Then each partner can learn to respect each other and their individual needs. The non-alcoholic needs to
focus on their needs without compromising either themselves or enabling the alcoholic to continue in their behaviors.
kelsh
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I guess its called compromise. If he is only willing to have a relationship that only involves what he particularly needs or wants, Id reassess the situation. People dont change overnight, so maybe you need to look at what you really want in a relationship. Find and give yourself, firstly, the things you want before taking another relationship.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I say move on, if he doesn't see it as a problem you can't get him to see it. he's telling you who he is early on. count your blessings you see it now.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by farfromclear 
This is my first post and I am very confused right now. I just ended a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for almost a year and we had been dating for about 6 months. When we first started dating he thought of me and did nice things for me. He would drive to my house and do things that I wanted to do. Now everytime I want to do something that interferes with what he wants we end out fighting. Is it to much to hope that he will ever be able to put me above himself? He was so wonderful in the beginning... is there any hope or do I just need to find someone that can give me more than this RA can?
I don't want to make it sound like he never does anything for me anymore, but the majority of things are all about him and if I want to spend time with him I have to go along with what he is already doing...
I don't want to make it sound like he never does anything for me anymore, but the majority of things are all about him and if I want to spend time with him I have to go along with what he is already doing...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Kelsh says "If clean/sober in a program of recovery they are used to putting themselves first in order to work their program."
Boy this hits a raw nerve with me. I am sick to death of hearing "it's all about the addict" and to a much lesser extent hearing "it's all about us" as the victims of those alcoholics.
Now I will agree that since I've broken things off with the XABF it IS all about me, because I am single and I need to take care of me instead of the crazy A I left behind, but that needs to end when you're in a relationship. My opinion (and that's all it is) is that it needs to be "all about US." One of my last phone conversations with R ended with me repeating over and over "What about US?" and him hanging up on me. But I'm afraid I'm so burned that if I ever date again it will be about me, instead of a healthy balance.
Whether an alcoholic is drinking or not, it's ALL ABOUT THEM. So take that one step further and you realize they were ALWAYS selfish SOBs, and probably have that "narcissistic personality disorder" or whatever they call it these days. And I have NO USE for a person like that in my life, sober or drunk.
End of my rant.
Boy this hits a raw nerve with me. I am sick to death of hearing "it's all about the addict" and to a much lesser extent hearing "it's all about us" as the victims of those alcoholics.
Now I will agree that since I've broken things off with the XABF it IS all about me, because I am single and I need to take care of me instead of the crazy A I left behind, but that needs to end when you're in a relationship. My opinion (and that's all it is) is that it needs to be "all about US." One of my last phone conversations with R ended with me repeating over and over "What about US?" and him hanging up on me. But I'm afraid I'm so burned that if I ever date again it will be about me, instead of a healthy balance.
Whether an alcoholic is drinking or not, it's ALL ABOUT THEM. So take that one step further and you realize they were ALWAYS selfish SOBs, and probably have that "narcissistic personality disorder" or whatever they call it these days. And I have NO USE for a person like that in my life, sober or drunk.
End of my rant.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
What a timely post! Every day I remember more and more about how it was always about my ex. I agree with Cbrown, I think a lot of alcoholics are selfish SOB's. I don't care if it is because they are "sick" (I think it may be a personality disorder in my ex's case), they are selfish SOB's!
I went out with 2 guy friends last week. It was cold and both individually asked me if I was ok. I don't remember my ex EVER asking me that!
I went out with 2 guy friends last week. It was cold and both individually asked me if I was ok. I don't remember my ex EVER asking me that!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Good rant!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's allllllllllllll about me these days too and I'm loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
It's allllllllllllll about me these days too and I'm loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ngaire
Originally Posted by CBrown
Kelsh says "If clean/sober in a program of recovery they are used to putting themselves first in order to work their program."
Boy this hits a raw nerve with me. I am sick to death of hearing "it's all about the addict" and to a much lesser extent hearing "it's all about us" as the victims of those alcoholics.
Now I will agree that since I've broken things off with the XABF it IS all about me, because I am single and I need to take care of me instead of the crazy A I left behind, but that needs to end when you're in a relationship. My opinion (and that's all it is) is that it needs to be "all about US." One of my last phone conversations with R ended with me repeating over and over "What about US?" and him hanging up on me. But I'm afraid I'm so burned that if I ever date again it will be about me, instead of a healthy balance.
Whether an alcoholic is drinking or not, it's ALL ABOUT THEM. So take that one step further and you realize they were ALWAYS selfish SOBs, and probably have that "narcissistic personality disorder" or whatever they call it these days. And I have NO USE for a person like that in my life, sober or drunk.
End of my rant.
Boy this hits a raw nerve with me. I am sick to death of hearing "it's all about the addict" and to a much lesser extent hearing "it's all about us" as the victims of those alcoholics.
Now I will agree that since I've broken things off with the XABF it IS all about me, because I am single and I need to take care of me instead of the crazy A I left behind, but that needs to end when you're in a relationship. My opinion (and that's all it is) is that it needs to be "all about US." One of my last phone conversations with R ended with me repeating over and over "What about US?" and him hanging up on me. But I'm afraid I'm so burned that if I ever date again it will be about me, instead of a healthy balance.
Whether an alcoholic is drinking or not, it's ALL ABOUT THEM. So take that one step further and you realize they were ALWAYS selfish SOBs, and probably have that "narcissistic personality disorder" or whatever they call it these days. And I have NO USE for a person like that in my life, sober or drunk.
End of my rant.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 14
That's what happend to me.After the first few months the "real' person started to show.Never caring nor wanting or even letting me do what I wanted.
I'm just ended mine too.I'm begging you never ever go back to this person nor have
anything to do with people like him.
Jenny
I'm just ended mine too.I'm begging you never ever go back to this person nor have
anything to do with people like him.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
well, first of all congratulations to your ex for 1 year of sobriety. alcoholics can be an odd lot for sure......even in recovery. imo, it takes several years of recovery before they are able to start to connect to the real world.....and i respect that for they have lived in hell for so long. their recovery has to be all about them, just as our recovery has to be all about us.
they have to learn how to get out of themselves and think of others, while we are on the opposite end.....we have to learn to get into ourselves and stop thinking of others. weird, isn't it?
do you attend al-anon, hon? it would be of tremendous benefit to you. in al-anon, we learn to detach with love, we learn how to take care of ourselves first, how to set boundries to protect our serenity, how to find ourselves again after living within the effects of alcoholism.
even though your ex is in recovery, from the recovering a's that i know, they all have said that they weren't anywhere near "normal" for up to three years. maybe it's just the people i know, but that is what they said during open meetings when they have told their stories.
they have to learn how to get out of themselves and think of others, while we are on the opposite end.....we have to learn to get into ourselves and stop thinking of others. weird, isn't it?
do you attend al-anon, hon? it would be of tremendous benefit to you. in al-anon, we learn to detach with love, we learn how to take care of ourselves first, how to set boundries to protect our serenity, how to find ourselves again after living within the effects of alcoholism.
even though your ex is in recovery, from the recovering a's that i know, they all have said that they weren't anywhere near "normal" for up to three years. maybe it's just the people i know, but that is what they said during open meetings when they have told their stories.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
Cbrown has it all right. They're so used to everyone worrying about them... wanting them in treatment... keeping them sober. They do come to beleive that the whole world revolves around them... And not every alcoholic/addict is a caring person to start with. We can often blame personality flaws on their substance of choice when sometimes it's just an amplification of who they really are.
Good luck and look after yourself. No one else is going to.
Good luck and look after yourself. No one else is going to.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
It's been my observation, that after a few months (when they are trying to hook you) they do some nice things.... then (even my dry xah of over 10 yrs...) afterwards he put himself First, Always. So now we both get our own way. It's fantastic! I bet my own way is nicer. After all women still get to do most of the chores, minus one child.
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