Any advice?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Any advice?
When I returned home late this morning I discovered that a big box had arrived in my absence containing all the "stuff" I had left at XABF's. It was not sent with "tracking" so he would not know if it had been received or not.
I feel I should send him a brief note to acknowledge the safe return of my property and I would like to enclose a money order to cover the postage which was fairly high.
At the same time, I don't want to give him an "opening" to start contacting me again. Of course, I could simply send a note and the money order and continue with the block on my email and sending his phone calls to voice mail.
ARL
I feel I should send him a brief note to acknowledge the safe return of my property and I would like to enclose a money order to cover the postage which was fairly high.
At the same time, I don't want to give him an "opening" to start contacting me again. Of course, I could simply send a note and the money order and continue with the block on my email and sending his phone calls to voice mail.
ARL
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I would just accept it graciously, like a gift. You don't have to do anything.
Just be grateful that he took the time and paid postage to get it to you. It was a kind gesture as an ending.
Just be grateful that he took the time and paid postage to get it to you. It was a kind gesture as an ending.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I would just accept it graciously, like a gift. You don't have to do anything.
Just be grateful that he took the time and paid postage to get it to you. It was a kind gesture as an ending. It almost sounds like codie behav. that you're worried that he paid for it. If you don't want to keep it going then just be glad you got your stuff back. Endings are always thought provoking and emotional ...sorry you had a heartbreak.
Just be grateful that he took the time and paid postage to get it to you. It was a kind gesture as an ending. It almost sounds like codie behav. that you're worried that he paid for it. If you don't want to keep it going then just be glad you got your stuff back. Endings are always thought provoking and emotional ...sorry you had a heartbreak.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I am sure if all accounts were to be settled, he would owe you a lot more than the postage. For crying out loud, he isn't even asking for you to pay the postage!
So how else could sending the unasked for $$$ be interpreted?
Time to move on.
So how else could sending the unasked for $$$ be interpreted?
Time to move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
ok, reallady, since you asked.....lol
i would examine my real motives for wanting to do what you said. they sound like wonderful gestures that we would extend to most circumstances, but what we deal with in our a's is totally different.
it sounds to me that you may be wanting to make contact in some way. i did it too, so i understand, believe me. i would just get a rush out of the thought of recipricating his gestures.....a real weird sort of excitement......and hope.
jmho....
i would make up perfectly sane, logical reasons why i should recipricate....and believe me, i did many times, till i learned that it was like sticking my hand back into the fire. my motives were not to actually do what i was justifying, but to get another "fix" from my x.
this was how it was for me. hope this helps in someway.
big hugs to you sweety
jeri
i would examine my real motives for wanting to do what you said. they sound like wonderful gestures that we would extend to most circumstances, but what we deal with in our a's is totally different.
it sounds to me that you may be wanting to make contact in some way. i did it too, so i understand, believe me. i would just get a rush out of the thought of recipricating his gestures.....a real weird sort of excitement......and hope.
jmho....
i would make up perfectly sane, logical reasons why i should recipricate....and believe me, i did many times, till i learned that it was like sticking my hand back into the fire. my motives were not to actually do what i was justifying, but to get another "fix" from my x.
this was how it was for me. hope this helps in someway.
big hugs to you sweety
jeri
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Ex Sending box of personal items.
My soon to be EX tried to do this with me but it was a small package or sack of something and he was trying to get on my good side so I would talk with him again. :comfort
He was not allowed with 500 feet of our house but broke this rule often when our daughter and I weren't home. He would leave the items on the kitchen table-so I would know he had been in the house again. My daughter had to go to the Day Care down the street from where I lived before and after school.
I had to have breast surgery the same month he was arrested and he tried to sneak into the hospital to see me. I finally got my doctor to let me go home early so I could be with my daughter. My parents had come from the coast to help me.
When I was in the area of the hospital for my pre-op shot, the nurse told me that in all of her 20+ years of nursing, she had never had to wake up someone to give them the pre-op shot. I think I felt same there and since I hadn't been sleeping I needed some sleep. :mock
This has been so many years ago but still seems so real to me. He died of a heart attack several years ago so don't need to communicate with him anymore.
kelsh
He was not allowed with 500 feet of our house but broke this rule often when our daughter and I weren't home. He would leave the items on the kitchen table-so I would know he had been in the house again. My daughter had to go to the Day Care down the street from where I lived before and after school.
I had to have breast surgery the same month he was arrested and he tried to sneak into the hospital to see me. I finally got my doctor to let me go home early so I could be with my daughter. My parents had come from the coast to help me.
When I was in the area of the hospital for my pre-op shot, the nurse told me that in all of her 20+ years of nursing, she had never had to wake up someone to give them the pre-op shot. I think I felt same there and since I hadn't been sleeping I needed some sleep. :mock
This has been so many years ago but still seems so real to me. He died of a heart attack several years ago so don't need to communicate with him anymore.
kelsh
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I don't have any unique words of wisdom (probably don't have any words of wisdom period, but that is a separate issue). I would just repeat what dgillz said, all things being equalized, he probably owes you a lot more than postage!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
wonderful gestures that we would extend to most circumstances, but what we deal with in our a's is totally different.
That's why I needed to post about this in case I needed to stop myself from doing something which, as you say, in most circumstances would be the "normal" way to acknowledge the gesture.
And I think those of you who mentioned that there is some part of me which needs to contact him are right on the money. That's the part of me which needs working on.
This is so very strange. Included with the "stuff" were other items I had gifted to him along with every single photograph he had taken on our various trips together....lots of pictures without me in them too. Those might well be part of the hook he extended to get a response because there are even random pictures of his children among the trip photos. Well, I can't throw photos away....not somebody else's photos, so I have put them away in a box.
ARL
That's why I needed to post about this in case I needed to stop myself from doing something which, as you say, in most circumstances would be the "normal" way to acknowledge the gesture.
And I think those of you who mentioned that there is some part of me which needs to contact him are right on the money. That's the part of me which needs working on.
This is so very strange. Included with the "stuff" were other items I had gifted to him along with every single photograph he had taken on our various trips together....lots of pictures without me in them too. Those might well be part of the hook he extended to get a response because there are even random pictures of his children among the trip photos. Well, I can't throw photos away....not somebody else's photos, so I have put them away in a box.
ARL
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
This post gives me food for thought. I still have in my possesion items that rightfully belong to xagf. She has asked about them awhile ago, but in my early attempts at detachment, have ignored her. Is that the opposite of what detaching stands for? Holding onto their stuff in some perverted hope of a future contact to do the exchange? I dont know her new address, so would have a prob mailing it to her.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Aha, Toll!! Gottcha doing the codie dance too!
XABF "threatened" to send the "stuff" back numerous times....usually coincided with me saying get help for your drinking. When I went no contact and showed via my actions I meant it (well except for codie lapses of wondering!), I decided to write off the "stuff". But then you saw that when it was returned I immediately thought of contacting him. Actually, there are some things here of his which are, IMO, too insignificant to worry about sending back.
How important is the stuff she left at your place? I think that would help me decide how important it was to get it back to her. But, in your situation because no contact is best for YOU, I would box it up and store it away out of sight until........forever! Could you return it via a mutual friend, drop it off at her workplace....do it in some way whereby you wouldn't have to have direct contact?
ARL
XABF "threatened" to send the "stuff" back numerous times....usually coincided with me saying get help for your drinking. When I went no contact and showed via my actions I meant it (well except for codie lapses of wondering!), I decided to write off the "stuff". But then you saw that when it was returned I immediately thought of contacting him. Actually, there are some things here of his which are, IMO, too insignificant to worry about sending back.
How important is the stuff she left at your place? I think that would help me decide how important it was to get it back to her. But, in your situation because no contact is best for YOU, I would box it up and store it away out of sight until........forever! Could you return it via a mutual friend, drop it off at her workplace....do it in some way whereby you wouldn't have to have direct contact?
ARL
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Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by ARealLady 
How important is the stuff she left at your place? I think that would help me decide how important it was to get it back to her. But, in your situation because no contact is best for YOU, I would box it up and store it away out of sight until........forever! Could you return it via a mutual friend, drop it off at her workplace....do it in some way whereby you wouldn't have to have direct contact?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
I agree with the no response-although it may sound like "revenge", i will have to say the worst thing you can do to somebody is make them wonder what you're thinking....Two days before Shane broke up with me, he packed up everything -pictures, dvd's, EVERYTHING TINY THING and told me to take it home because his roommate thought it "cluttered" the house- that didn't even MAKE SENSE since it was all in his room???? But i realized later, that it was his way of saying goodbye to me and any thought or reminder of me, was probably painful to him-after all, it reminded him that i was a good person and he was hurting me, and that equated guilt, right? Maybe your ex is doing somewhat of the same thing. Let it go. Pack the pictures of you two away, and get back to where you were...moving forward.
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