tollbooth

Her new man is away hunting this week, and she was at his house all alone (recently moved in with him). Called just to see "how I was doing". I've given her no reason to contact me, especially in light of the conflictive things that I've said to her over the past few weeks. What is going on in her mind? All I have communicated to her is that she is alcoholic, and needs to help herself, that I was not able to do that for her. Told her that her drunken episodes were what caused me to leave our relationsip. She rebuffs those statements and still acts like we are close friends. She is in total denial of her drinking problems. I was this close to telling her I am going to Alanon, but know that would enable her to turn it around and start chastising me. I joined alanon for myself, and have no reason to let her know about it since she would mock me and tell me I am weak or something along those lines.

I just want to hear the viewpoints of my knowledgable friends on SR.

ARealLady

I joined alanon for myself

That's the spirit!

It's none of her BIZNESS what you are doing with YOUR life.

ARL

tollbooth

I know, but I want to share it w/her in hopes that she will "get it". And I did not succumb to my emotions, giving her that tidbit of info, knowing how she would turn it around on me and try to make me feel....whats the word.....I know you of all people know what that word is, ARL........

Barbara52

She will "get it" in her own way and time. Or not.

OK, she called. Did you engage in a conversation? Is that what you want to do?

embraced2000

"click". a good solid sound on your end of the phone as soon as you hear her voice.

it took me awhile to learn this skill, and trust me, it is a skill....lol

my ear would suddenly become a huge magnet to the telephone, and although i had every intention of hanging up as soon as i heard his voice, the magnet on my ear and the ear piece of the phone was just too strong.

eventually, i learned to just.....click. i couldn't give him a chance to say anything or i was drawn right back into it. i was just like an alcoholic trying to turn down a drink....and i dont even drink.

he was my drug of choice, you see. when he would call, and i would listen, all it did was set me back.

i know it is hard. but eventually, it worked for me. altho i was standing there with my broken heart in my hand....but i dealt with that later.

denny57

No contact worked for me. I did it for myself, just like Al-Anon.

embraced2000

denny, was it hard for you to go no contact? did you struggle with it? if you don't mind my asking, that is.

it was so very hard for me. i've often wondered how others came to terms of no contact.

was it cut and dried? or did you have to learn through trial and error about no contact.

all i know is it was so very hard for me.....but as they say....some are sicker than others, and i think i may have been one of them.

i would love to hear your experience about how you implemented no contact.

jeri

Barbara52

I went no contact, except when necessary to deal with legal stuff. Because my STBXAH cooperated, it was relatively easy. I didn't have many urges to contact him at first because of the anger and sadness and when I worked thru those, I jsut didn't want to contact him. He has never contacted me except thru a few emails, all "business" related.

denny57

It wasn't easy, but it wasn't trial and error, either. Except for what had to happen through our attorneys during this divorce, I have not picked up the phone to call him, answered his emails, etc. I ran into him once on the street and kept walking. In the last two years I've only been in his presence in court and I do not speak to him there.

I have to credit not only myself, but Al-Anon, my therapist, our doctor, SR and my friends for helping me through it.

After about a year, it didn't matter any more. The contact, I mean. It takes a long time to heal from the breakup of an 18 year relationship, no matter how abusive it was.

I guess like you posted, it's like the alcoholic. There's no weaning off the drinking, you stop. I stopped hurting myself. It feels good.

GiveLove

What she gets or doesn't get, or thinks of you or doesn't think of you, needs to stop mattering so much, tollbooth.

I know that's easy to say, from my cluttered dining room table with the cup of cold coffee and the funnies. I know how hard this is because I've been through it too.

I just wish she'd leave you alone to figure out your own life & happiness. Can you keep her from calling again? It doesn't seem to help your recovery and mental health very much to hear from her.

I think you did great, fwiw. Ex's calling is one of my worst nightmares

Hugs,
GL

wraybear

get caller ID and don't talk to her!!!!!!!

Mr. Christian

Well I’m with the no contact thing.

I’m sure her new man would love the fact she is ringing you up while he is gone.

Let’s put a few things in perspective here.
Not only is she a train wreck with her drinking she does not care for any ones feelings, yours or her man’s.

Time to move on.

denny57

I'd like to add something to my last post. Early in my relationship with AH, I did go through the drama. Especially the first year. Ah, the romance of it all. I said this a while back, but sharing my story can also serve as a cautionary tale. I was 30 when I met AH. It was EXCITING to be caught up in the drama. I did not go no contact with him back then because I had not been exposed to the idea of it - I had no idea I could do such a thing! I thought what was going on was what relationships were about.

Through my own recovery I have come to accept some things, and one of the most important is that people will tell you early on who they are at their core. I no longer have the fantasy that love can conquer all - especially an addiction. I do, however, believe in the power of love.

DesertEyes

So... um.... how many times have you shared stuff with her in the hopes that she would "get" something? How many times did she "get" whatever it was you were trying to get her to get? It is _you_ trying to "get" her to get something, isn't it? She's not interested in getting anything at all on her own, is she?

I dunno about you, tollbooth, but when I am trying to get somebody else to "get" something, I am just trying to control them. I am trying to somehow manipulate them into taking some action in their life, for which I can then feel proud of, and maybe score some gratitude points. That's _my_ addiction, I get my self-esteem from the things that _other_ people do in their life as a result of my intervention. Makes me feel so high and mighty.

"High" is the word that matters to me. cuz I get addicted to that "charge" that comes from having someone be grateful to me for having saved their sorry @$$. And if she's a pretty, sweet thing, the hormones just super-charge the addiction.

Do you get a charge from that, tollbooth? The way that I do? Cuz if you do then maybe you are addicted to it the way that I am. Addicted to pretty, sweet things that need rescuing.

What I have learned is that the _best_ way to rescue other people is to first rescue _me_. Then those who _want_ rescuing can see me as an example and rescue themselves. That gives them the dignity of making their own choices in life, the pride of having acomplished their own growth, and the experience with which to maintain their lives even in the absence of their "knight in shining armor".

Mike

Barbara52

While I haven't been rescuing pretty sweet young things ( ), I have come to understand I have an unfortunate tendency to rescue. And I am learning to stop that behavior in its tracks. It will be enough to rescue myself from my own demons.

tollbooth

First off, thanks all of you for responding to my post. Been away all day and just now reading them.

Yep, label me the "911-Boy". I'd love to save her and be her white night in armor, saving her from herself. Isnt that what you're supposed to do when you love someone? **{codie voice on}}


Seriously, I doubt I am strong enough yet to hang up on her. Im still craving contact, like a drug! And yes, I am still "needy" to hear from her what she thinks about me/us. Sad part is, I know in my mind the counterproductivity of that effort, but my little pitter-pattering heart cant give it up.

I engaged her on her drinking. "Oh, we (her & new fiance) do stuff together, and I dont drink anymore the way I did when I was with you. I have new friends and my time is filled up with things to do". I could go on and on with what I said to her, but I know you folks have all BTDT. All of you know Im new to this stage of the game. The entire detachment issue eludes me at this point.

Needless to say, the conversation left me second guessing myself. In other words, she says being around me is what caused her to drink, and now that she is with someone else, it has miraculously stopped being a problem for her. Yet having 2 DWI's before I even knew her were written off as being the fault of her lousy driving skills at night. When I detailed her drunken episodes, she again was able to blow them off and turn them around with finding me as the blame for them occuring. I know she's a master manipulator on this stuff and excells with making me doubt myself. Have any of you faced the same? "Not only am I NOT an alcoholic, but I dont have those problems now that we are not together"

DesertEyes

* lmao *

of course not. None of us just wake up one day and walk away from our "addiction". If we could there would never have been an al-anon, or thousands of recovery sites like this one. The way it works is you grab the al-anon literature, get yourself a sponsor, and start working the program starting at step one. Somewhere after step five the craving for my "drug of choice" just vanished. Went poof like a Vegas magic act.

The more I stay involved in my recovery, the more I wonder what kind of nut-case I was, that could ever have wanted to get involved in a crazy relationship. I see ladies at my meets that I _know_ would have got my codie-itis flaring at a zillion miles and hour, just a few years ago. Now I just feel sad for them, and stay away from them.

um.... tollbooth.... how about you tell us what you have done for _you_ today? How did you make your life a little better, saner, and more positive today? Did you go to a meet? Did you read anything that touched you in the literature? Have you found any more guys that look like potential sponsors?

Me? I took a load of old clothes and stuff down to the Salvation Army this morning. I work at a big industrial park and a few of us have started collecting discarded office stuff from all the buildings and taking it to various charities. While I was doing that I had my cellphone to my ear and was chatting with a special friend in al-anon who's going thru a deeply difficult time.

I took myself out to lunch at a little restaurant out here that has special meaning to me. It was where my ex-wife and I used to go out on our weekly dates, back when our marriage was good. After the divorce I went thru a period where anything that reminded me of what I had lost was incredibly painful. I couldn't even think of that place without crying. Little by little I have made _new_ memories for myself, healthy memories, and that restaurant has now become a _good_ memory of all the good times I had, and the new times I'm having. Oh yeah, one of the waitresses is going to start her own business as a photographer with her parents, so I've been giving her business tips.

In the afternoon I went to meet a good friend I met thru the Heart Association. She and her husband have been like mentors to me, helping me wade thru the insanity of the American medical system as I deal with my health issues. They make hot-rods, and were exhibiting at a local car show. I stopped at a costume shop and bought a bunch of junk, and we were goofing around putting on costumes. Even got three ladies from the booth next door to join in and we started trading costumes *lol* I got the biker dude costume with the wig and John Lennon glasses. (No, I'm not a biker, I don't even have a _bicycle_)

I was going to go to a party in the evening, but my health ran out of go-juice and I took care of _me_ and came home instead of going partying.

Today I did things for _me_ than enhanced my life. I got with friends that have shown they care for me and who also enhance my life. I took care of my health instead of ignoring it and playing the martyr. I kept the focus on _my_ recovery, instead of somebody else's.

How about you, tollbooth? Tell me what you have been doing for _your_ recovery.

Mike

tollbooth

Looking at pictures, reading old emails, deciphering the phone calls, and reminiscing about the "good times"! LOL! What any other healthy co-dependant person would be doing!

Man, I love your responses Mike! Like a breath of fresh air. Bear with me while I decompress from this insanity.

CBrown

Tollbooth, letting go doesn't happen *poof* in one day sometimes. I wish it would, but it doesn't. But there will come a day when you were so busy that you didn't look at pictures, or you look at a picture and decide it's not a good one, and you'll pitch it. One day you might be on the top of the hill, busy with *you* things and happy as could be. Next day, you may be in a valley. But as time goes on, if you work at it, you'll be more on the hill than in the valley! How? Well, I did the rubber band on the wrist method, and every time I would think about the XABF I would snap it. It helps you realize just how much the A is in your mind! You need a journal of all the lousy things the XAGF did to you. Then feel free to spend some time thinking how peaceful and good a life is without such a person in your life. Then think "It's okay to wish her well, but it's in my HP's hands." In other words, I know I would be here if my XABF needed support in recovery, but I will not witness his death first hand. And finally, GET OUT and do something with friends!

Here's my share! Yesterday I took my first violin lesson on my daughter's old violin. Carnegie Hall here I come! Then in the afternoon, I went horse farm shopping with my friends. See? Do constructive things, and make you a better you!

By the way, you said up above "Isnt that what you're supposed to do when you love someone?" The purpose of a relationship is for BOTH people to love and support the other person to become the best person they can. BOTH, not one. You deserve the love and support you want to give another. We also need to heal so that we think WE deserve that too, instead of chasing after people who are unwilling to give back to us too.

embraced2000

awwwww, you'll make it tollbooth......just hang in there with us.

it's like i always told my children when they were teenagers and trying to pull a fast on over on me.......darlin', there ain't a thought your having, or a feeling your having that i haven't had.....cause guess what babydoll?? your mama was once a teenager, too, and i felt just like you and tried to do just what you are going to try to do. man, they would look at me with the most horrified look on their faces, and go.....ewwwwwwww! they couldn't stand to think of their mama as having the raging hormones and sneaky little mind.

anyway, i digress.

when you said that you were hoping she would "get" it by the things you said to her, and mike pointed out how when he did that, he was trying to control people.....well, i just wanted to say that you also said you weren't strong enough yet to hang up on here.......do you see the irony in this?

you are wanting her to do something, and want her to be strong enough to do it, but yet you are not strong enough to do something that is very difficult for you.
i'm saying this with all the compassion in the world, cause i've lived it, and i know it was just a living hell.

if you ponder about it, i think you may begin to understand what a struggle she is having with not drinking......compare it to your struggle to let her go. it's the same, imho.....at least it was for me.

i was so addicted to my husband......he was my drug of choice.....and yes, he was a pretty, sweet, thing that needed rescuing...lol. my own addiction kicked in, just like mike described, and i went into full blown female version on the knight in shining armor.

i thought i could love him right up outta his addiction. wrong. all i was doing was feeding my own addiction.