What's wrong with this picture???
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Join Date: May 2007
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What's wrong with this picture???
XAH came by this evening to take my son to a football game. I took a gander at him outside the window to make sure he looked together, and went about my business.
Well, about ten minutes after they left, what happens? I find myself thinking, "Gee, he looked okay. He hasn't fallen apart. Maybe I misjudged and he's not an addict. Maybe it was my fault, that he drank and used because of me." Then ~ and I can hardly believe this~ for a brief second, I actually welled up with tears and said to myself ~"I want my old life back!"
Hmmmmm. What's wrong with this picture??? When will this end????
Oh, on a very happy note, I had my first holiday greeting cards designs come out this week! I'm working on some new designs, so thats helping keep my brain a tad centered!
I read this wrong..not sure what I thought it said! ha VERY EXCITING!!! Congratulations!!
Well, about ten minutes after they left, what happens? I find myself thinking, "Gee, he looked okay. He hasn't fallen apart. Maybe I misjudged and he's not an addict. Maybe it was my fault, that he drank and used because of me." Then ~ and I can hardly believe this~ for a brief second, I actually welled up with tears and said to myself ~"I want my old life back!"
Hmmmmm. What's wrong with this picture??? When will this end????
Oh, on a very happy note, I had my first holiday greeting cards designs come out this week! I'm working on some new designs, so thats helping keep my brain a tad centered!
I read this wrong..not sure what I thought it said! ha VERY EXCITING!!! Congratulations!!
Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-09-2007 at 07:05 PM.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by guineapigjude 
XAH came by this evening to take my son to a football game. I took a gander at him outside the window to make sure he looked together, and went about my business.
Well, about ten minutes after they left, what happens? I find myself thinking, "Gee, he looked okay. He hasn't fallen apart. Maybe I misjudged and he's not an addict. Maybe it was my fault, that he drank and used because of me." Then ~ and I can hardly believe this~ for a brief second, I actually welled up with tears and said to myself ~"I want my old life back!"
Hmmmmm. What's wrong with this picture??? When will this end????
Well, about ten minutes after they left, what happens? I find myself thinking, "Gee, he looked okay. He hasn't fallen apart. Maybe I misjudged and he's not an addict. Maybe it was my fault, that he drank and used because of me." Then ~ and I can hardly believe this~ for a brief second, I actually welled up with tears and said to myself ~"I want my old life back!"
Hmmmmm. What's wrong with this picture??? When will this end????
I ask myself that ,too. At least I know I am in good company with you!
Sorry you felt that way,but thanks for posting this...it really helped me tonight. Hope you are feeling better,now. (Next time this happens,I am going to think of you and remind myself that I am not alone and this is a process we are going thru instead of "hearing" those lies that start swirling.)
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
I had my first holiday greeting cards designs come out this week!
:*****
Any designed especially for us Codies?...."You'd better have a happy holiday." or "Just checking in to make sure you have a happy holiday.".....hehehehe...."I won't be having a happy holiday unless you are."
ARL
:*****
Any designed especially for us Codies?...."You'd better have a happy holiday." or "Just checking in to make sure you have a happy holiday.".....hehehehe...."I won't be having a happy holiday unless you are."
ARL
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by ARealLady
"You'd better have a happy holiday." or "Just checking in to make sure you have a happy holiday.".....hehehehe...."I won't be having a happy holiday unless you are."
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear Guineapigjude,
I COMPLETELY understand. When Barbara posted about how glad she was about her ex loking good, I thought to myself it would actually BOTHER me if my ex looked good b/c then I would feel like a failure and particularly unworthy and like I REALLY WAS THE PROBLEM.
The responses to my post (ex looking good in his apratment) and talking to my sis, helped me at least see that it is related to my feelings of worth that I have attached to him. If he is a drunk with a bigtime problem, then maybe he didn't REALLY reject me (and even if he did it doesn't matter AS MUCH) vs if he is a handsome, successful, man with a nice apartment and another woman - then maybe there really is something wrong with me.
Not sure how to resolve that - let me know if you figure it out!
(maybe we should ask Barbara)
I COMPLETELY understand. When Barbara posted about how glad she was about her ex loking good, I thought to myself it would actually BOTHER me if my ex looked good b/c then I would feel like a failure and particularly unworthy and like I REALLY WAS THE PROBLEM.
The responses to my post (ex looking good in his apratment) and talking to my sis, helped me at least see that it is related to my feelings of worth that I have attached to him. If he is a drunk with a bigtime problem, then maybe he didn't REALLY reject me (and even if he did it doesn't matter AS MUCH) vs if he is a handsome, successful, man with a nice apartment and another woman - then maybe there really is something wrong with me.
Not sure how to resolve that - let me know if you figure it out!
(maybe we should ask Barbara)
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Originally Posted by gns
When Barbara posted about how glad she was about her ex loking good, I thought to myself it would actually BOTHER me if my ex looked good b/c then I would feel like a failure and particularly unworthy and like I REALLY WAS THE PROBLEM.
My leaving did have an impact in that he stopped drinking. That's good as far as it goes. That change has brought about substantial weight loss and the lessening of his alcoholic facial characteristics. So my leaving helped some.
But he is deeper in denial about his alcoholism than ever and of course not in any sort of recovery program. His choice. Maybe someday he'll be ready to deal with reality. Maybe not. But its out of my hands.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
You know, GuineaPig, you may be on to something big here. I'm sure there are plenty of codies worldwide who would buy cards like that. The unrecovered codies would buy them as serious cards and the recovering codies would buy them as jokes to send to other recovering codies. Either way, the market would be huge.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
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It's normal...every year around the holidays...I get that nostalgic wishful thinking, that if only we could go back to the way I want them to be...
you know the Norman Rockwell version...
seems to blot out the "real" memories of the past few years that we were together.
LOL
you know the Norman Rockwell version...
seems to blot out the "real" memories of the past few years that we were together.
LOL
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
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Hey GuineaPig ... HOW did you know that I went through this three days ago?!? LOL. I hadn't felt like that in weeks, and then bammo, I got hit with a mild case of the blues. No, I wasn't tempted to call him, but I got that nostalgic feeling about the 5% of the time that R was actually sweet and told me he "loved and missed me with all his heart." But wait, he told the XGFs D and G that too, all at the same time.
No, I was right, he IS a lying, cheating, boozing, narcissistic SOB (that's my phrase of the week).
No, I was right, he IS a lying, cheating, boozing, narcissistic SOB (that's my phrase of the week).
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Oh my, I had times like that too. I'd actually forgotten about them until I read this post.
Heck, I even went through a phase where if I knew I was going to see my ex, I made a point to look extra good. I wanted to show him that I indeed could have a better life without him after all the Hell I went through with him and the hard decision to leave.
But you know - over the years it took in our seperation for me to get where I am today - I no longer do those things. And in that time, he's continued to show me that he's still a great con artist and that in many ways, he's still the same man he always was.
I, on the other hand though, am happy to say that I'm not the same woman!
It's hard - but the more you go on with your life and the more you find happiness in that life - the less that he will affect you - whether he's looking good or not.
Keep on with your own recovery!
Heck, I even went through a phase where if I knew I was going to see my ex, I made a point to look extra good. I wanted to show him that I indeed could have a better life without him after all the Hell I went through with him and the hard decision to leave.
But you know - over the years it took in our seperation for me to get where I am today - I no longer do those things. And in that time, he's continued to show me that he's still a great con artist and that in many ways, he's still the same man he always was.
I, on the other hand though, am happy to say that I'm not the same woman!
It's hard - but the more you go on with your life and the more you find happiness in that life - the less that he will affect you - whether he's looking good or not.
Keep on with your own recovery!
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