I am new here, but the story is not
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
I am new here, but the story is not
Hello all! I just found this place and it looks like a great place to connect with people that are going through the same things that I am.
I will try to make this short. My husband has a drinking problem. We have only been married for 4 months, and he is the love of my life. I knew going in to this, that drinking was an issue for him, but he definitely hid it well.
He has had pancreatitis 3 times in the 3 1/2 years that we have been together. In the beginning, before his illnesses - we would go out with friends and have a good time. But I thought that was normal. Once the illnesses started, I decided that it was not a good idea to continue to party - that it was dangerous for him.
The bad thing is, although we are married, we do not live in the same state. He put his house on the market over a year ago and it still hasn't sold. It is only 2 hours away, so he stays most of the time here with me. BUT...ever since the wedding, he has found reasons to go to his house (for work, is what he says) But he will go there and drink. He will drink for days - not answering my calls or calls from his family. I am the typical spouse of an alcoholic - I will lie for him, make excuses, etc.
But I have stopped that. About 6 weeks ago, he went up there and went on a major binge - drinking for 6 days straight. I got his family involved, and thought we were on the road to recovery. He started going to therapy and seemed to be heading in the right direction. Fast forward to last week, he did it again. He "had to go back to work" but wouldn't come home and wouldn't take my calls. When he does this, I have to hop in my car and go up there and "find" him drinking. Again, got his family involved and brought him home with me.
He does not drink when he is here. He can go weeks without drinking, but there is a force beyond our control that pulls him away and he will go on these benders.
I can't take it anymore. I want him to go into an outpatient program, but he won't. He claims he can "do it on his own" with the help of his therapist. But obviously that hasn't helped. I understand his hesitation, b/c he is a sales rep that is on the road most of the time, and the outpatient programs are very intense and you HAVE to go when they say and can't miss any.
I am at a loss. I want him to get better, I want us to make it, but one more episode like this, and I may have to walk away.
I will try to make this short. My husband has a drinking problem. We have only been married for 4 months, and he is the love of my life. I knew going in to this, that drinking was an issue for him, but he definitely hid it well.
He has had pancreatitis 3 times in the 3 1/2 years that we have been together. In the beginning, before his illnesses - we would go out with friends and have a good time. But I thought that was normal. Once the illnesses started, I decided that it was not a good idea to continue to party - that it was dangerous for him.
The bad thing is, although we are married, we do not live in the same state. He put his house on the market over a year ago and it still hasn't sold. It is only 2 hours away, so he stays most of the time here with me. BUT...ever since the wedding, he has found reasons to go to his house (for work, is what he says) But he will go there and drink. He will drink for days - not answering my calls or calls from his family. I am the typical spouse of an alcoholic - I will lie for him, make excuses, etc.
But I have stopped that. About 6 weeks ago, he went up there and went on a major binge - drinking for 6 days straight. I got his family involved, and thought we were on the road to recovery. He started going to therapy and seemed to be heading in the right direction. Fast forward to last week, he did it again. He "had to go back to work" but wouldn't come home and wouldn't take my calls. When he does this, I have to hop in my car and go up there and "find" him drinking. Again, got his family involved and brought him home with me.
He does not drink when he is here. He can go weeks without drinking, but there is a force beyond our control that pulls him away and he will go on these benders.
I can't take it anymore. I want him to go into an outpatient program, but he won't. He claims he can "do it on his own" with the help of his therapist. But obviously that hasn't helped. I understand his hesitation, b/c he is a sales rep that is on the road most of the time, and the outpatient programs are very intense and you HAVE to go when they say and can't miss any.
I am at a loss. I want him to get better, I want us to make it, but one more episode like this, and I may have to walk away.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Emjaye - Nice to meet you. My husband is a bender drinker too. Sometimes those are the worst types, and they feel they can "do it on their own" and "stop anytime they want." Also, when they stop for weeks, the emotional rollercoaster starts cause you think it's for good, then BAM - on to another bender!!!! Nothing is going to help him until he is ready to get help and ready to quit. My AH was sober for 14 years, relapsed (that he doesn't consider relapse at all) for 5 years, went to rehab in May, was sober 98 days and was then on a bender for two straight months. Due to my getting an order of protection (not for violence, but his emotional abuse, which only came about in the past year or so), he is probably going to be court mandated to treatment and random urine tests, which he is not too happy about (cause he figured he could have still drank and did what he wanted, and that can't happen court mandated) and tells me that the courts should not even be involved. Our marriage is probably over (even though I do love him) cause he will harbor resentment toward me for the whole court thing (even tho he says he doesn't), and I know this cycle will never end, but I had to do what I had to do for me. At least I have peace for a little while now. Keep reading and posting, you'll meet alot of nice people here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Glad you're here. You're definitely in the right place. I've been here about a month, and one of the things that has helped me the most is just reading. Reading other people's stories, responses, posts, etc. and also the "stickies" at the top of the forum. I've also noticed that the more I read (and the more frequently I read, like DAILY) - - the less anxious I feel.
So much of the pain I feel from my enabling/codependency with my AH is related to wondering if I'm doing or thinking the right thing. Worrying I'm not doing enough, or doing too much, or just second-guessing everything related to dealing with him and his alcoholism. Reading the posts here calms all that down, and keeps me on the track of focusing on ME - which is ultimately the only thing I can change.
Take care.
So much of the pain I feel from my enabling/codependency with my AH is related to wondering if I'm doing or thinking the right thing. Worrying I'm not doing enough, or doing too much, or just second-guessing everything related to dealing with him and his alcoholism. Reading the posts here calms all that down, and keeps me on the track of focusing on ME - which is ultimately the only thing I can change.
Take care.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! 
Glad that you found us! Stick around read some stickies and posts and keep posting yourself....
The situation is not new around here with any of us and there is a lot of great support here! Please do not feel that you are alone in this because you are not....
Have you given Al-Anon a try? It maybe something to look into -it has helped me to keep the focus on myself and know that I cannot change anyone but myself! I cannot make choices for anyone but me! We can hope this and that but the reality is that no one is going to stop doing what they are doing unless they do it for themselves first!
Hang in there!
Glad that you found us! Stick around read some stickies and posts and keep posting yourself....The situation is not new around here with any of us and there is a lot of great support here! Please do not feel that you are alone in this because you are not....
Have you given Al-Anon a try? It maybe something to look into -it has helped me to keep the focus on myself and know that I cannot change anyone but myself! I cannot make choices for anyone but me! We can hope this and that but the reality is that no one is going to stop doing what they are doing unless they do it for themselves first!
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR, It is a pleasure to meet you even if it is under these circumstances.
I would have to agree with trying out Al-anon before you make any big decisions or set a boundary you are unable to keep. Trust me, an alcoholic will push any boundary you set so you need to be prepared to keep it and sometimes that is not an easy task.
There are alternatives to taking such drastic steps….. I know when your in the thick of things the need to stop the insanity becomes almost as intense as the pain of living in it… but in Al-anon you can learn to live with your Alcoholic and still keep your serenity until such time as you can make a decision about what action to take without the emotional chaos attached…. It is called Detachment and it is a life saving tool for me when I’m to close to the situation.
You could also start too by reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, another wonderful tool I have used to keep a clear picture of what healthy looks like. I wish I could tell you that all the love you and his family have for him is going to keep him from drinking but we all know that is not true and it does not matter what you do… Till he hits “his” bottom and “he” wants to stop the insanity there is nothing that can be done. It is a very hard life to live loving an Alcoholic but I’m happy to tell you that you don’t have to do it alone. I have used Al-anon, CoDa, Open AA meetings, Theraphy, SR and continue to work my recovery all the time.
Keep Posting and working through your pain hon…. I look forward to getting to know you better.
I would have to agree with trying out Al-anon before you make any big decisions or set a boundary you are unable to keep. Trust me, an alcoholic will push any boundary you set so you need to be prepared to keep it and sometimes that is not an easy task.
There are alternatives to taking such drastic steps….. I know when your in the thick of things the need to stop the insanity becomes almost as intense as the pain of living in it… but in Al-anon you can learn to live with your Alcoholic and still keep your serenity until such time as you can make a decision about what action to take without the emotional chaos attached…. It is called Detachment and it is a life saving tool for me when I’m to close to the situation.
You could also start too by reading Codependency No More by Melody Beattie, another wonderful tool I have used to keep a clear picture of what healthy looks like. I wish I could tell you that all the love you and his family have for him is going to keep him from drinking but we all know that is not true and it does not matter what you do… Till he hits “his” bottom and “he” wants to stop the insanity there is nothing that can be done. It is a very hard life to live loving an Alcoholic but I’m happy to tell you that you don’t have to do it alone. I have used Al-anon, CoDa, Open AA meetings, Theraphy, SR and continue to work my recovery all the time.
Keep Posting and working through your pain hon…. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
don't kid yourself into thinking if he stays with you full-time he won't drink. Believe me, that is a part of this horrible disease tricking you into subconsciously thinking you can help him control his drinking. He may be okay for a while, but most A's need some kind of a recovery program. My husband tried to stop drinking on his own for ten years. Didn't work. A little AA here and there, a lot of church, but he relapsed over and over and over again.
You can't force him to do anything. But, you can get better yourself to where you are not compulsively thinking about him and thinking about what YOU can do to help him. Addicts have to want recovery enough to seek it out. Also, if your A is a successful saleman, he may not have suffered enough consequences yet to make him desire sobriety. Consequences like losing his wife, his family, his job, his house, etc. That is what it takes sometime.
I hope you can read about codependecny and alcoholism and glad you have joined us here. This place helped me so much over the years!
You can't force him to do anything. But, you can get better yourself to where you are not compulsively thinking about him and thinking about what YOU can do to help him. Addicts have to want recovery enough to seek it out. Also, if your A is a successful saleman, he may not have suffered enough consequences yet to make him desire sobriety. Consequences like losing his wife, his family, his job, his house, etc. That is what it takes sometime.
I hope you can read about codependecny and alcoholism and glad you have joined us here. This place helped me so much over the years!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there, and welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation. Its tough when they're still in denial. But you cannot fix him. It has to come from him
You don't have to do anything! He is a grown man who can fix himself, if he cannot be bothered that is HIS problem, not yours. Shift your attention from him back to YOU!
I hope you take time to read up on our histories here and read through the stickies, they gave me so much information when I first came here. I can truely say that applying the tools I learnt here, I am much happier, and still living with an active alcoholic! He seems to be jealous of my new found confidence and lust for life. But hey! Its there for him too if he wants it!
Keep visiting us!
Lily xxxxxx
Originally Posted by EmJaye 
When he does this, I HAVE to hop in my car and go up there and "find" him drinking.
I hope you take time to read up on our histories here and read through the stickies, they gave me so much information when I first came here. I can truely say that applying the tools I learnt here, I am much happier, and still living with an active alcoholic! He seems to be jealous of my new found confidence and lust for life. But hey! Its there for him too if he wants it!
Keep visiting us!
Lily xxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 31
Thanks for every one's comments. I am going to search for Al-Anon meetings around town. I have thought about going to them, just haven't found the time. I know, no excuse.
I have been reading other threads, and it is scary how many of us are in similar situations. I already have learned a lot from this place. It is nice to be able to talk about things with people who can relate.
Thanks to all!!!!!
I have been reading other threads, and it is scary how many of us are in similar situations. I already have learned a lot from this place. It is nice to be able to talk about things with people who can relate.
Thanks to all!!!!!
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