Lilyflower

I actually had a really good evening. Decided to contact friends I haven't spoken to in a while and be honest with them over my situation. I'm meeting up with one tonight and another tomorrow.

Abf has been on our sofa for last 3 days. He's complaining of cramps in his kidneys and has been vomiting. I find it difficult because the compassion is there but how do I show that to him? He still believes I am the worst person in the world over whats happened this week. I tell him I love him, he acuses me of telling lies. He won't say 'I love you too', doesn't want any kisses cuddles or anything from me. Will look me in the eye, so I guess thats a step forward!!! This morning he tells me he may go the hospital about this pain as he is worried. I suggested he tell them the truth about his drinking as my concern is that he may have damaged himself through drinking. He has been passing blood into the toilet on and off for months, and has not been near a doctor, says he just has piles!!! Anyway, he reassures me he'll be ok, i told him 'no you won't, unless you stop drinking' but kind of stopped myself half way through as I don't want to be a nag??? Should I have told him how I feel?

I sat and read about healing alcoholism last night, and we hardly spoke to each other. Abf laying there grimacing, and me not knowing whether I am helping, enabling, being a co-dep by trying to make him comfortable, offering him food and drink??? So I just sat there and said nothing. Went up stairs at 10pm just because I couldn't take the atmosphere inside myself anymore. Being near him was making me so anxious and confused.

I am soooo nervous about meeting with my friends too. I am off to see J tonight who I think will be the most understanding, she has been through so much herself through life and I know she will not judge, but try to support me. She is another being who is constantly trying to improve herself.

Saturday I am meeting up with C who has been my friend for 14 yrs. I kept all this from her. I guess because I've known her longer I didn't want her to know how much my life had messed up. When I talked to her yesterday, she asked me if things are so bad why am I still there? At that minute I thought perhaps I had made a mistake by telling her. I don't want/need judgement from anyone. I'm feeling anxious about it as I think I will feel as if I will need to defend myself and my actions (staying so long, still staying, and generally putting up with all this). I just wanna re kindle my lost friendships rather than have people trying to 'fix' me. I guess if I am honest I feel embarrassed that things have gotten to this place. I feel ashamed to admit how I've allowed myself to sink down to this level, and how I haven't remained the independant, strong, intelligent person she met all those years ago.

Sorry for rambling today. I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions right now. Its hard to keep them in check. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself more than anything, i feel like a big screw up today.

chero

Hey Lily! You ARE right! You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You don't have to defend yourself or what you've done. You are doing the best you can and anyone who isn't a true friend and doesn't love you and help you the best they can then let them go.

I had to do this very thing recently with my oldest friend in the world. I just don't have time for the condemnation and I can do a fine job of that all by myself.

Don't be ashamed! Be proud of how you have come to realize where you are and where you want to be and that now you are working towards that goal. Reconnecting with people is hard but so worth it...if it's the right people. Just remember, you have nothing to be ashamed about and your true friends will love you...no matter what!!!

Be nice to yourself today! And cry if you want to cry!! Yell if you want to yell! It's okay!!!
Go stand in front of the mirror and repeat....I AM
(((((L)))))

Lilyflower

Ha!!! Just read over my post from the other day. Looks like I'm fulfilling my own prophecy, all besides going to beg for forgiveness. Why do I feel like I do today when I could see this coming a mile off??? If I was so aware that this is how the 'game' would be played, how come I'm still playing along??!! I cannot understand myself!

Barbara52

Perhaps the friend you mentioned was wondering th esame thing, not being judgemental just asking the same question you are asking yourself?

Lilyflower

I appreciate your input Barbara. I don't think this is where my friends mind was though. It has literally been over a year since I last talked to her. Even then the relationship was distant. She lives in another city from me so we stopped meeting up regular about 3 years ago. I think she believes I should just walk away and give it up as a bad job. She can be very black and white over life. I don't think she understands co-dependancy or emotional abuse. If she did she wouldn't have asked me why I'm still here.

My realising how my abf controls and manipulates my feelings has only just begun to sink into my mind. It has been only a few weeks since I have begun to understand. I obviously still allow this to happen, despite intelectually knowing what he is attempting by throwing this tantrum, subconsciously I began falling back into the codie routine of beating myself up, believing those messages he sends me through his actions. I realised this only today.

Lily xxxxxx

Barbara52

Knowing something intellectually sure doesn't mean we know it in our gut. It sure didn't for me. Its takes time and effort to get what you know intellectually to be something you actually act on or live through. Be patient with yourself.

GiveLove

Lily,

You're taking small steps in the direction you want to go, and that's all you can do right now. You're not accountable to anybody else for your actions.

I will tell you this, though: Several years ago, when I was in a very similar situation as you, I had a friend blurt out to me, "It always seems like you're in some kind of a crisis. All we ever seem to talk about is him, how he feels, what he's doing to you, all that. Isn't anything else important to you?"

At the time, I was really mad and totally wrote off the friendship. I didn't see her again for years.

But I have to say that her words stuck in my head, as much as I tried to get them out.

It was true. I had allowed myself to fall into a world of codependency, alcoholism, drug addiction, and abuse -- I had turned into a drama addict, talking about all of these things constantly -- and I had turned into somebody I didn't recognize. She could see that where I could not. I just wasn't ready to have someone else point it out to me. I wasn't ready to change yet...I wasn't sick of it all yet. I was still trying to figure out why I couldn't get my abusive BF to love me, and letting him control my happiness.

Be patient with yourself, and be patient with your friends. Everyone tries to help in their own way, some by saying nothing, some by saying too much. Forgive them...they're just being who they are. And try to find the small morsel of truth in what they're saying to you, even if you don't choose to act on it yet. It's your life, and these are your choices....but every little bit of data might prove useful to you in figuring out how to reach a happy life again.

Hugs to you
GL

Lilyflower

GL,

Thanks for this insight. I don't want to spend all our time together tomorrow talking about my problems or my abf. I'm so happy about seeing her again after all this time, the tears started to fall when she asked if I wanted to meet up! I just don't want her to begin questioning me or my actions over the whole abf/codie thing. I will tell her how things are if she wants that, but to get pulled into a why don't you do this..? or Just say that..! I don't think I could handle. I don't know these answers myself and I know I will feel as if I'm getting backed into a corner by that type of conversation. I would just like to spend the afternoon catching up with my old friend and having some fun 'me' time.

good_luck

All of my friends, without exception, hated my ex-relationship by the end. But they loved me. There is a difference.

Tally

If you don't want to talk about it then don't! You deserve to have some fun and let your hair down...

eat it 2

Anyone who cares about you will show concern when they see you tied up in knots. They may fumble with their words or come accross as harsh, which aways hurts more, but I find if I ask for the treatment I want rather that go in defensive and say what I don't want. Most, if not all, of my loved ones are more than willing to give that to me. Thats what love does.

You see, as I am also learning, it is also our role in our relationships that can bring about change.

Be compassionate with yourself, there are many storms that pass through our lives.

rv

lostnfound1961

Here are a couple ideas about how to make sure the Doctor knows about his drinking. You can offer to make the appointment for him then tell them your concern or you can call 911 and again tell them your concerns. He can tell them you are not telling the truth but they will know.
Just a thought.
Hugs D

minnie

L, I hope you are so proud of yourself!!! You are really taking to heart the stuff you have read on here, I can tell. It soooo shows in your actions.

As for your friends, well, often people don't understand. And sometimes, they don't really want to. I haven't got very many pre-R friends left, tbh, for a few reasons. One is that I have a tendency to minimise and hold things in, so they didn't really understand what I was going through. Those that did, just couldn't get their head around it. My ex is certainly a drinker, but he is a lot more besides - I truly think it scared them to think that people like him existed and kinda didn't want to have any association.

We all make judgments. Most of our days are taken up with making judgment calls about situations and people. I don't know about you, but I only really notice other people doing it around my situation when they touch a nerve. Also, I think that it can be a good thing to listen to people's opinions on my situation. I can always take what I like and leave the rest. Sometimes, I need to "borrow" other peoples boundaries until they become my own, given that I am still a babe in arms when it comes to boundary setting.

Hope you have a lovely time with your friends. Do your best to have a laugh and be yourself. Being around a drinker is very stressful and sometimes we just need to forget about that stuff for a while.

GiveLove

Hi Lily,

You've got it exactly right!!! You might want to practice how you will deflect any talk of the things you don't really want to discuss (if you're sure you don't want to discuss it once you're there) I found this line worked well at one time for me: "I know it's something I need to do something about, but I'm taking the night off from worrying about it -- let's have fun instead!"

Enjoy your time with your friend. It's precious.

XOXOX
GL

Lilyflower

Hello everyone!!!

Thank you sooo much for all this on Friday! I had a wonderful weekend! Abf was in complete shock that I had a social life all planned for ME! I think he is jealous because I usually just stay inside ALL the time and hardly see my friends!

I had a wonderful time with J. She was just as I expected... supportive, caring. She gave me an hour to talk without interrupting me, and I poured my heart out to her about my feelings, my fears etc, then we shifted the dynamics of the conversation and started to talk about ME! What I enjoy doing and what makes me happy etc. We played a game of cards! She had a pack of cards designed for children, each with a picture and the name of an emotion on the front. I went through the pack and separated it to three piles.. I am feeling, I'm not sure and I definately I not feeling. We went through the 'I am' and 'I'm not sure pile' talked about why, and then made affirmations about all of them. It made me feel so much better.

After we had chatted, drank tea, and listened to music, we sat down and played cards again. It was shocking to see how my feelings had changed so dramatically. It was inspiring to know I could alter my mood if I wanted to!

Sent a message to C Friday night saying I wanted to have a fun day with her and her 2yr old. So I got creative and suggested taking the kids to the museum. We had a great day playing with the kids and talking. The whole time I never felt anxious or worried, it was liberating!

I have started a 'grateful book', that I am going to work on each day to help me focus my energies on me and being positive.

I feel wonderful today! Thanks again for your support Friday! You are all stars! xxxxxxxxxx