Janitw

Hello and welcome ....click on any of our names and read our histories if you want to ok.

I was married for 22 years and my life was similar to yours....until he left the kids and I in July 05. It has been a painful experience to say the least but all in all I find that it was the best thing he ever did for us. Stay strong and keep posting sweetie - we care about you and your situation.

LaTeeDa

Your post hits very close to home for me. I was almost exactly where you are a little over two years ago. My marriage was 18 years and two kids, but the rest of the details are almost exactly the same. He was a drinker for a long time, but only started to get mean and forgetful in the last few years. My children also began to show signs of living in a dysfunctional environment.

I found SR in June or July of 05, I kicked my husband out of the house in August 05, and I finally stopped lurking and started posting in January of 06. In that time, many things have changed.

He quit drinking and got his life together.
Sadly, it was too little, too late as our marriage could not be saved.
I found that I was just as messed up (if not more) than he was, and began to work on myself.
My children and I went to counseling.
I found that life can be good.

There is much, much more, but you can read my story here if you want. We tried to reconcile after he got sober, but it didn't work out. I felt exactly like the name you picked when I first came here. I am an entirely new person, now and couldn't be happier that things worked out the way they did. I just wanted to share with you so you might see that there is hope.

L

Lilyflower

Its the same with my abf, he writes his life as he goes cause he doesn't know whats gone on from one day to the next. He actually thought Wednesday was Tuesday. He'd lost the whole day in some mental void. He also is constantly right, never wrong, woe betide anyone who tells him he is. Very nasty and spiteful in what he says, and looks at me sometimes like I am the epitimy (sp??) of scorn, has made me wonder in the past whether he would actually have killed me if I pushed it enough and that used to make me shrink away into myself. I miss the man i've lost.

Tally

I miss the woman I've lost...me!

tiredhag

Hey thanks for all the responses. Actually Hag is the beginning of my last name and a nickname, not meant to demean me or anything.....LOL...

I originally started out doing research on the internet to find out how advanced he was in his alcolhol. That's when I ran across the frontal loab and the bloated belly. I don't want him to have anything wrong...I would like him to go get checked out though. He thinks he has carpal tunnel and I have to disagree.

I haven't seen him drink in about 3 days. So now I think he is trying to hide it.

You know what's sad is, we used to be so happy. The talked about couple.

Thanks again everyone for all your responses. Will get in here as much as I can.

CBrown

Yes, I was the most wonderful person in the world too, like ARL, until I started pressing for my XABF to honor his promises and become sober so we could move on to OUR future. Oh boy did he change to a different person! I became "tiresome" and another XGF became a lot more attractive! Oh well, his loss as I hear their relationship has degraded to both verbally abusing each other.

I divorced a man ten years ago who slyly verbally abused me and I swore I would never take it again. I kept that word and I am SO glad I did! It took and still takes a lot of support from my friends to keep detached from his miserable life.

Your AH has the same physical signs as my XABF. Does your AH have ankles anymore? Are his legs bruising? R's feet swelled so wide he quit wearing shoes, kept hitting his toes on the marina dock, and I swore he would lose both big toenails. For a while the veins on his left leg were so huge I thought they would pop out. I haven't seen him in three months, but I guess it's just as well. I don't want to see the final decline.

ARealLady

I haven't seen him drink in about 3 days. So now I think he is trying to hide it.



Probably! And when they start hiding it I think they drink even more.

ARL

tiredhag

My AH has ankles, but they hurt and so does his feet. He thinks he has gout.....I asked him what are some of the causes of gout and he said drinking....I said, think you might want to quit now......God who am I fooling.

I know he drinks more when I finally can't stand it and say something.

wraybear

wow, i could have written your post as well. Over 25 years, my husband did progress to a stage of alcoholism where he almost died a couple times due to his heart almost stopping.

I hope you can read read read about codependency and go to a support group. This place helped me so very much during the time my AH's disease had progressed to a stage the kids and I could no longer live with.

Helping yourself will help you to stop feeling like a tired hag, and help you start feeling like the beautiful, loving creation God made you and then you will be able to take better care of your kiddos as well.

I did "kick" my AH out, and he got much much worse, but this was the beginning of the end. I got better, the children and I were happier. NOt saying it was easy, but I am so glad I did it now.

I hope you find peace and contenment very soon.

embraced2000

hi tired, and welcome aboard. we're all in the same boat here, trying to help ourselves.

alcoholism is progressive.....it only gets worse without recovery. he sounds like he has as many excuses for his ailments except the real reason. very typical.

you will find tremendous support, understanding, and love here on this forum.

stay with us, ok? this forum was a huge help in my recovery from living with the effects of alcoholism. along with al-anon.

tiredhag

I have found out that our local hospital offers alanon. Only problem is: I live in an extremely small town and don't want to air my dirty laundry. I think I will call the number and talk first and then go from there.

wraybear

I understand the "dirty laundry" issue. However, this is also part of the disease, keeping it a secret. I am not saying you should tell everyone the nitty gritty details, but you and your kids should feel okay saying "my dad/husband" in an alcoholic at the appropriate times. The kids may be thinking that some of this is their fault - if they don't behave, dad will get angry or dad will drink, or whatever. I used the words "he is sick" a lot. That way I didn't have to say "he has a hangover so he couldn't join us", but if someone would ask me, I eventually got to a point where I would tell them yes, he is sick, sick with alcoholism. Also know that Alanon is totally confidential.

I wish you so much peace and happiness and contentment very very soon!!!

denny57

For the first year, I pretty much just sat there and absorbed it all. Anonymity is a key component of Al-Anon. If you feel that is not being honored in a particular meeting, don't continue to go. I suspect, though, you will make some great friends there. I did.

embraced2000

tired....when i first heard about al-anon, i thought everyone would get up and tell their stories. but that is not what happened at all. we don't talk about our alcoholics.....we talk about us.

we have some books in al-anon called "one day at a time" and "courage to change". they are a composite of daily readings. we read for the dated day, and then talk about with each other our feelings about what the message is in the reading.

all the readings are centered around helping us to find our own serenity, and to look ourselves.

i just sat and cried for the first 6 months when i would hear the discussions about how to regain ourselves. but i didn't talk much at all. and no one expects you to until you are reading. they felt like a huge, comfy, comforter and a safe place to be for me.

fluffyflea

Well first of all ultimatums don't work. Keep coming here and reading and posting. continue getting your ducks in a row and take care of yourself and your kids.

Ngaire

jayna1234

your story sounds so familiar!!! my husband has all of a sudden started losing everything in the past 2 months or so...his wallet his keys...important things for work...even his entire briefcase!!!! hes never been like that...he wont admit to his drinking problem and pretty much said hell never stop. he absolutley repulses me with the beer belly and when hes drunk i want to throw up when i look at him!!!hes just plain groce....i totally understand!