Excuses
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
So, you are saying that BECAUSE our SO's are Alcoholics, that THAT alone is reason to leave? I have issues with this. Perhaps you did not ever reach the point of truly understanding the disease - perhaps you were never at a point where you felt compassion for him. If I was to leave my husband, it would be because my boundaries have been crossed, and it is not working for ME - there are ways in which I need to take care of myself; if these ways are comprimised, then I would consider a new environment. I would NOT leave simply because he is an Alcoholic - he cannot change this, no matter what he does - he will NEVER be able to drink. I don't want to make assumptions here, but it sounds like you were very hurt by your A...
... maybe you are still very angry. I can totally understand this.
But (and I am getting all defensive here :p ) MY A is not your A... he has never abused me, taken advantage of me etc. He is a gentle, loving and FUN guy - with an addiction. I am not of the theory that BECAUSE he is Alcoholic that I need to walk away. I am very strong and I know what works for me
.
Besides... as much as we want to at times, we cannot take our Alcoholics and put them on a deserted island with all the rest - they are not freaks, they should not be singled out and shunned, BECAUSE of the disease they are struggling with.
I remember times when I would be brought to tears at the responses from some people. I would say, to someone I know well enuf, that my husband is an A... and they would gasp. As if they were saying "your husband is a stinky, under-educated, wife-beating drunk who lives on the streets?!!" These are often the stereotypes (altho, maybe not thost exact traits) of an alcoholic, and I DO feel empowered to change their minds by providing the CORRECT information. It almost feels like your views feed directly into this sterotype.
I hope I didn't step on your toes - just my thoughts and feelings
Meg
... maybe you are still very angry. I can totally understand this.But (and I am getting all defensive here :p ) MY A is not your A... he has never abused me, taken advantage of me etc. He is a gentle, loving and FUN guy - with an addiction. I am not of the theory that BECAUSE he is Alcoholic that I need to walk away. I am very strong and I know what works for me
. Besides... as much as we want to at times, we cannot take our Alcoholics and put them on a deserted island with all the rest - they are not freaks, they should not be singled out and shunned, BECAUSE of the disease they are struggling with.
I remember times when I would be brought to tears at the responses from some people. I would say, to someone I know well enuf, that my husband is an A... and they would gasp. As if they were saying "your husband is a stinky, under-educated, wife-beating drunk who lives on the streets?!!" These are often the stereotypes (altho, maybe not thost exact traits) of an alcoholic, and I DO feel empowered to change their minds by providing the CORRECT information. It almost feels like your views feed directly into this sterotype.
I hope I didn't step on your toes - just my thoughts and feelings
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Meg:
My thoughts exactly. And though Squinty has been known to be abusive (more verbally than anything), my reactions to him have changed, and now, he is learning to not be abusive. I sure don't put up with much--anymore! I learned more from being married to an alcoholic than I ever would have if I had kicked him out 2 years ago, when I almost did. I am much happier with ME, than I ever was, and I have a relationship with my HP that is unbelievable, now. Sometimes you don't find your happiness in running, but by facing your circumstances, and learning to deal with them in a healthy way.
The thing to remember is, he is sick. People with Alzheimers are sick too, but when they become abusive, you learn to deal with it. Now, I'm not saying this works for everyone, but it's working for me, for now.
Lyn
My thoughts exactly. And though Squinty has been known to be abusive (more verbally than anything), my reactions to him have changed, and now, he is learning to not be abusive. I sure don't put up with much--anymore! I learned more from being married to an alcoholic than I ever would have if I had kicked him out 2 years ago, when I almost did. I am much happier with ME, than I ever was, and I have a relationship with my HP that is unbelievable, now. Sometimes you don't find your happiness in running, but by facing your circumstances, and learning to deal with them in a healthy way.
The thing to remember is, he is sick. People with Alzheimers are sick too, but when they become abusive, you learn to deal with it. Now, I'm not saying this works for everyone, but it's working for me, for now.
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi Prettywoman,
Recovery takes time, at times our recovery goes fast other times it goes slow. Regardless it is a PROCESS which everyone passes through at their own speed.
Blathering on about how people have choices and to use them falls on deaf ears to people in abusive relationships because when we are in it we certainly don't see or believe we have any choices
You may be interested in reading "No Visible Wounds" and paying attention to the well actually the whole book and seeing the reasons why women do stay.
Ngaire
Recovery takes time, at times our recovery goes fast other times it goes slow. Regardless it is a PROCESS which everyone passes through at their own speed.
Blathering on about how people have choices and to use them falls on deaf ears to people in abusive relationships because when we are in it we certainly don't see or believe we have any choices
You may be interested in reading "No Visible Wounds" and paying attention to the well actually the whole book and seeing the reasons why women do stay.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Compassion????
Sorry.
I can't go so far as to feel compassion.
My (now former) AH will be very good at making sure he is sober around his family. He is very good at being the adorable country boy that they all remember from his youth. Of course, he only visits with them a couple of days at a time, so staying sober is'nt such a chore.
I asked him why he didn't respect me the same way. Why didn't he lay off of the beer when at home with me? His does it for his aunt, so why not me too?
He said that when he's visiting someone at their house, he repects their home, and acts accordingly. He says when he's living with me, it's HIS home too, and he should be able to do what he wants in his home.
Once again it is an issue of CHOICE, CHOICE, CHOICE.
A choice for which the ALCOHOLIC BEARS RESPONSIBILITY!
Yes, the "disease" aspect of it makes it difficult for the alcoholic to "just say no" to the cravings, but self-control is possible.
I've never heard of anyone recovering from Alzheimer's by using self-discipline. I HAVE heard of lots of folks recovering from alcohol abuse.
I can't go so far as to feel compassion.
My (now former) AH will be very good at making sure he is sober around his family. He is very good at being the adorable country boy that they all remember from his youth. Of course, he only visits with them a couple of days at a time, so staying sober is'nt such a chore.
I asked him why he didn't respect me the same way. Why didn't he lay off of the beer when at home with me? His does it for his aunt, so why not me too?
He said that when he's visiting someone at their house, he repects their home, and acts accordingly. He says when he's living with me, it's HIS home too, and he should be able to do what he wants in his home.
Once again it is an issue of CHOICE, CHOICE, CHOICE.
A choice for which the ALCOHOLIC BEARS RESPONSIBILITY!
Yes, the "disease" aspect of it makes it difficult for the alcoholic to "just say no" to the cravings, but self-control is possible.
I've never heard of anyone recovering from Alzheimer's by using self-discipline. I HAVE heard of lots of folks recovering from alcohol abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
If alcoholism was a something that self-discipline could correct.....then it probably wouldn't be classified as a disease, and also wouldn't be one that causes so much damage.
It is about the only disease that completely fools the target into thinking sincerely that they don't have it.
And honestly, if alcoholism was curable by simple self-discipline, then the whole A.A. program would not be necessary. The program, the cure, is simply and complicatedly (if thats a word), something that is out of their hands in many ways, out of our hands.....and something that is and must be placed fully in the hands of the Higher Power.
It is about the only disease that completely fools the target into thinking sincerely that they don't have it.
And honestly, if alcoholism was curable by simple self-discipline, then the whole A.A. program would not be necessary. The program, the cure, is simply and complicatedly (if thats a word), something that is out of their hands in many ways, out of our hands.....and something that is and must be placed fully in the hands of the Higher Power.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
I'm just REALLY glad that I held on.
I was at the point where I was completely fed up and was looking for any reason to leave. I just couldn't stand my husband. He turns into a complete idiot when he drinks. But the thing that really hit home was watching my little girls struggle with wondering what was wrong with daddy all the time?
Well, the man I married has come back. It took a real rude awakening for him but it seems to have worked. The funny thing is - everyone talks about sobriety being difficult. It hasn't been that way around here. He goes to tons of meetings and counseling so he gets home late most nights but at least when he gets home he's not drunk!!!
I can understand what you meant prettywoman. I agree. I just have a hard time being so direct. It's just so hard to tell others what they should do with their lives. We have no idea what they are really going through.
NoDoubt
I was at the point where I was completely fed up and was looking for any reason to leave. I just couldn't stand my husband. He turns into a complete idiot when he drinks. But the thing that really hit home was watching my little girls struggle with wondering what was wrong with daddy all the time?
Well, the man I married has come back. It took a real rude awakening for him but it seems to have worked. The funny thing is - everyone talks about sobriety being difficult. It hasn't been that way around here. He goes to tons of meetings and counseling so he gets home late most nights but at least when he gets home he's not drunk!!!
I can understand what you meant prettywoman. I agree. I just have a hard time being so direct. It's just so hard to tell others what they should do with their lives. We have no idea what they are really going through.
NoDoubt
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
But isn't AA all about self-discipline?
I applaud all the good things that the AA program has done for people. I don't mean to slight it, or the people who keep it going and available for folks who need help.
I am simply pointing out that alcoholics can recover without pills, hospitals, surgeries, radiation treatments, and other stuff that is typically needed to help people with "diseases".
The thing that keeps the alcoholic going to the AA meetings is the commitment to staying sober.
Sounds like self-discipline to me....putting all that work into doing the 12 steps, learning a new way to live.
I didn't mean to imply that "just deciding to stop drinking" was all that was necessary. Making the decision is just the beginning. It's all that other stuff during the long haul. (self discipline again)
Personally, I've never had a problem with booze. But, I have struggled with maintaining a healthy weight. I guess I could blame a disease called "slow metabolism". But, the truth is that I control what I eat, and how much. Lots of overweight (obese) people are in denial about how unhealthy they are -- the food has no magical powers over these folks -- denial is a human quality -- not limited to just alcoholics.
Pop over to the other side of the fence, and read some of the posts from folks dealing with their alcohol problems. Almost always, the reason they continued to drink, inspite of knowing how badly it was ruining their life, was because the pleasure gained by catching a buzz. Sounds like choice to me.
I am simply pointing out that alcoholics can recover without pills, hospitals, surgeries, radiation treatments, and other stuff that is typically needed to help people with "diseases".
The thing that keeps the alcoholic going to the AA meetings is the commitment to staying sober.
Sounds like self-discipline to me....putting all that work into doing the 12 steps, learning a new way to live.
I didn't mean to imply that "just deciding to stop drinking" was all that was necessary. Making the decision is just the beginning. It's all that other stuff during the long haul. (self discipline again)
Personally, I've never had a problem with booze. But, I have struggled with maintaining a healthy weight. I guess I could blame a disease called "slow metabolism". But, the truth is that I control what I eat, and how much. Lots of overweight (obese) people are in denial about how unhealthy they are -- the food has no magical powers over these folks -- denial is a human quality -- not limited to just alcoholics.
Pop over to the other side of the fence, and read some of the posts from folks dealing with their alcohol problems. Almost always, the reason they continued to drink, inspite of knowing how badly it was ruining their life, was because the pleasure gained by catching a buzz. Sounds like choice to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Yikes...
Meg, I'm with you here on this. And I have a hard time with being told to leave our A's because they are alcoholics or addicts. Are we forgetting they are people too? That they suffer also? If you are not an alcoholic or addict...then you cannot honestly say what it is to be in their shoes, or what it feels like to struggle with such a driving force to consume, even when they know they shouldn't. We cannot come to acceptance and forgivness until we first understand that it is an illness. This is like saying if your husband has cancer, or diabetes we should leave them. They are all different people. Yes, I suppose they do make bad choices, but do you honestly think that alcoholics would consciously make the choice to destroy their families, jobs, their own lives...? I've made some bad choices in my life, but does this make me a bad person? I waiver on the 'choice' part, I think that the disease is stronger than their will to do what is right, until they have recovery.
Black & White thinking is the "ism" talking. Everything is not black & white, like Taria said, there are many shades of grey. It is not just the alcoholic that is affected by the "ism". We are affected also, this is why we are seeking our OWN recovery.
It is very difficult to tell someone who is in an abusive situation to get out, when they don't see it. Being on the inside myself at one point in time, I can honestly say that I did not see how bad it really was from the inside. Everything in Gods time. When a person is able to see (Awareness) they are able to realize what is really going on (Acceptance) and only then will they do something about it (Action)
I admire your strength Prettywoman, and am glad you posted your opinion. If you get a chance to read or listen to Melody Beatties Guide to the 12 Step, I would suggest it. One of the first things she says is "When we get sick and tired of complaining about the other person, we stop and ask ourselves, "What is going on with me?" It is all a process, and everyone is right where they are supposed to be, and get to where they are supposed to be, when it its time.
Meg, I'm with you here on this. And I have a hard time with being told to leave our A's because they are alcoholics or addicts. Are we forgetting they are people too? That they suffer also? If you are not an alcoholic or addict...then you cannot honestly say what it is to be in their shoes, or what it feels like to struggle with such a driving force to consume, even when they know they shouldn't. We cannot come to acceptance and forgivness until we first understand that it is an illness. This is like saying if your husband has cancer, or diabetes we should leave them. They are all different people. Yes, I suppose they do make bad choices, but do you honestly think that alcoholics would consciously make the choice to destroy their families, jobs, their own lives...? I've made some bad choices in my life, but does this make me a bad person? I waiver on the 'choice' part, I think that the disease is stronger than their will to do what is right, until they have recovery.
Black & White thinking is the "ism" talking. Everything is not black & white, like Taria said, there are many shades of grey. It is not just the alcoholic that is affected by the "ism". We are affected also, this is why we are seeking our OWN recovery.
It is very difficult to tell someone who is in an abusive situation to get out, when they don't see it. Being on the inside myself at one point in time, I can honestly say that I did not see how bad it really was from the inside. Everything in Gods time. When a person is able to see (Awareness) they are able to realize what is really going on (Acceptance) and only then will they do something about it (Action)
I admire your strength Prettywoman, and am glad you posted your opinion. If you get a chance to read or listen to Melody Beatties Guide to the 12 Step, I would suggest it. One of the first things she says is "When we get sick and tired of complaining about the other person, we stop and ask ourselves, "What is going on with me?" It is all a process, and everyone is right where they are supposed to be, and get to where they are supposed to be, when it its time.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
I couldn't agree more
I believe it takes a strong woman to take control of her situation. To truly look at things and confront what is going on in her life. To determine what would be the best path to take, and then dare to take it. I believe we must all be strong women, each one of us who comes here, because we really have no choice.
I cannot imagine the strength it takes to stay with an A husband and practice all the things Al Anon teaches in order for that relationship to succeed. To go through the good times always afraid of when they will end. To get that anxiety whenever he is invited to a party or event, or when he is late coming home. To detach and live your own life, when attachment to your life partner is what you really crave. To not take his actions personally, and truly believe they do not mean he does not love you. To live with that sickening anger and bitterness that wells up when he lets you and/or your children down, again. To see how other people's husbands and fathers provide nurturing and assitance in every day of their lives and not become depressed as to why you and your children can't have that in your life.
I have found I just do not have that strength, and am truly amazed at all who do.
Yet I also cannot imagine the strength it takes to walk away. To let go of that dream of happiness you have held onto in your mind as you've pictured your life together. All the hopes and goals you shared, the way you've woven your two lives into one over the years. There is still that man you love so desperately, the one you right now get to spend at least some time with, on the 'good days'. To truly stop thinking "if I only do this or he only changes that we could be so wonderfully happy." To accept that he is going to move on to someone else, and to even consider taking a chance letting someone else into your life someday.
I have found I just barely have that strength, and although this is the path I have chosen, I am in misery beyond words as we go through the separation. The abuse for some of us isn't so obvious, it is just a life of constant pain that results from their overwhelming selfishness and irresponsibility. Today my A took some of our stuff to his new place. We hugged and kissed goodbye, both of us in incredible pain. He in no way believes he has a problem and believes I am just crazy, and I can in no way continue living as we were. There is no happy ending recovery in this story, as losing me has not effected his denial in any way.
I want to be a strong woman, and I sure hope Al Anon can help me find the strength I need to get through this. For now I just continue crying.
I cannot imagine the strength it takes to stay with an A husband and practice all the things Al Anon teaches in order for that relationship to succeed. To go through the good times always afraid of when they will end. To get that anxiety whenever he is invited to a party or event, or when he is late coming home. To detach and live your own life, when attachment to your life partner is what you really crave. To not take his actions personally, and truly believe they do not mean he does not love you. To live with that sickening anger and bitterness that wells up when he lets you and/or your children down, again. To see how other people's husbands and fathers provide nurturing and assitance in every day of their lives and not become depressed as to why you and your children can't have that in your life.
I have found I just do not have that strength, and am truly amazed at all who do.
Yet I also cannot imagine the strength it takes to walk away. To let go of that dream of happiness you have held onto in your mind as you've pictured your life together. All the hopes and goals you shared, the way you've woven your two lives into one over the years. There is still that man you love so desperately, the one you right now get to spend at least some time with, on the 'good days'. To truly stop thinking "if I only do this or he only changes that we could be so wonderfully happy." To accept that he is going to move on to someone else, and to even consider taking a chance letting someone else into your life someday.
I have found I just barely have that strength, and although this is the path I have chosen, I am in misery beyond words as we go through the separation. The abuse for some of us isn't so obvious, it is just a life of constant pain that results from their overwhelming selfishness and irresponsibility. Today my A took some of our stuff to his new place. We hugged and kissed goodbye, both of us in incredible pain. He in no way believes he has a problem and believes I am just crazy, and I can in no way continue living as we were. There is no happy ending recovery in this story, as losing me has not effected his denial in any way.
I want to be a strong woman, and I sure hope Al Anon can help me find the strength I need to get through this. For now I just continue crying.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hmmm... I have just a little thing to add. Around here, clean time has been lovely. Getting clean was hell part two, to be sure.
Dino quit living here by our mutual "agreement" before I ever knew what step one was. I found this board and the world of alanon and naranon several months later. The timing was right for me. By the time I got here I was about ready to concede to powerlessness. (Okay, y'all who've read my old posts... I said "about".:p ) Before that time I believe I would have dismissed the 12 step thing as a bunch of whiners who do not live by the words of the great Marge Simpson. "Most women will tell you you're a fool to try and change a man... but those women are QUITTERS!"
I rather doubt that prettywoman meant that the choice to stay is always a poor one. And I think it's important to consider that you do have choices. You can stay. You can go. The thing you can't do is change another person. The statistics on recovery from alcohol and drug addiction are not weighted toward the recovery side. Certainly the abuser in your life is not a statistic. He or she is an individual who just might be in that percentage who do recover. But when you're making your choice, an eyes open approach is to consider your loved one an "as is" commodity. If he/she never changes an iota... do you want them in your life? Do you want them in your life but with a restructured relationship? Do you want distance until (and if) you see some real evidence of change?
Step One- We admitted that we were powerless over the alcoholic, that our lives had become unmanageable.
If you still want them around after you run that through the ol' mental wringer for awhile, that's up to you. Only you know whether your relationship gives you more than it costs you. And it's okay to say you can cope today and change your mind down the road. And if you are one who is trying to cope, for the time being, venting your spleen can help save you from a rupture. Having a place to talk about the trying times helped me immeasurably and probably saved Dino from a serious conk on the noggin'. So go ahead and spew. Then maybe once in awhile read the spew and think your choice over again. Only you know where your priorities lie.
Hugs,
Smoke
Dino quit living here by our mutual "agreement" before I ever knew what step one was. I found this board and the world of alanon and naranon several months later. The timing was right for me. By the time I got here I was about ready to concede to powerlessness. (Okay, y'all who've read my old posts... I said "about".:p ) Before that time I believe I would have dismissed the 12 step thing as a bunch of whiners who do not live by the words of the great Marge Simpson. "Most women will tell you you're a fool to try and change a man... but those women are QUITTERS!"
I rather doubt that prettywoman meant that the choice to stay is always a poor one. And I think it's important to consider that you do have choices. You can stay. You can go. The thing you can't do is change another person. The statistics on recovery from alcohol and drug addiction are not weighted toward the recovery side. Certainly the abuser in your life is not a statistic. He or she is an individual who just might be in that percentage who do recover. But when you're making your choice, an eyes open approach is to consider your loved one an "as is" commodity. If he/she never changes an iota... do you want them in your life? Do you want them in your life but with a restructured relationship? Do you want distance until (and if) you see some real evidence of change?
Step One- We admitted that we were powerless over the alcoholic, that our lives had become unmanageable.
If you still want them around after you run that through the ol' mental wringer for awhile, that's up to you. Only you know whether your relationship gives you more than it costs you. And it's okay to say you can cope today and change your mind down the road. And if you are one who is trying to cope, for the time being, venting your spleen can help save you from a rupture. Having a place to talk about the trying times helped me immeasurably and probably saved Dino from a serious conk on the noggin'. So go ahead and spew. Then maybe once in awhile read the spew and think your choice over again. Only you know where your priorities lie.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Jessieandme...
There can be a happy ending recovery story. Yours. It's okay to cry. You've lost something. But you've found the notion that there is nothing you can do to change the man, and that as he is, he is not something you want. That IS strength. And wisdom. And courage. And those are the building blocks to serenity. You can make it. You have already begun.
Hugs,
Smoke
There can be a happy ending recovery story. Yours. It's okay to cry. You've lost something. But you've found the notion that there is nothing you can do to change the man, and that as he is, he is not something you want. That IS strength. And wisdom. And courage. And those are the building blocks to serenity. You can make it. You have already begun.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Re: I couldn't agree more
Originally posted by jessieandme2003
We hugged and kissed goodbye, both of us in incredible pain. He in no way believes he has a problem and believes I am just crazy, and I can in no way continue living as we were. There is no happy ending recovery in this story, as losing me has not effected his denial in any way.
We hugged and kissed goodbye, both of us in incredible pain. He in no way believes he has a problem and believes I am just crazy, and I can in no way continue living as we were. There is no happy ending recovery in this story, as losing me has not effected his denial in any way.
You describe what just went down here at my house during the last month. He is gone. I'm starting a new life alone. I know that my decision to separate was based on a lot of things; and not made in haste or emotion....
And yet, I still have this dream that maybe, just maybe, he'll wake up tomorrow and say "Aha! I get it! I'm an alcoholic! I'll just run back home, tell her that I've seen the light."
The dream of happily ever after is soooooooo appealing. Even now, after all I've seen him do while under the influence. I can just wallow in it for days.
Broken dreams...... they're hard to give up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
I was in misery too for a long time after I broke up with my ex, now I'm happy it's for the best. I can see now that I'm out of it how abusive things were but I didn't when I was in it. People were telling me, people were praying I'd get out without blowing my sobriety. I was in denial.
As far as his disease I neither accept it or forgive him. He is one of the meanest,cruelest,manipulative,abusive, self-centered, selfish people I've ever met in my life . He knows exactly what he is doing in his illness and I have no sympathy for the fact he is ill.
In fact I don't have sympathy anymore for anyone who is ill. I spent the first half of my life feeling sorry for people who weren't interested in helping themselves anyway and I don't intend on spending the next half of my life doing that.
I told my A.A sponsor that with the exception of my son if I ever find myself in the rooms of al-anon again because of someone I'm in a relationship with I'll can the relationship first. It's just not worth it to ME.
But to get here took a long time and I went through alot of pain and agony. I did try to appy my al-anon program to it but he got more and more abusive so I couldn't stay.
I;m grateful that I got out of it without blowing my sobriety and making a suicide attempt.
Ngaire
As far as his disease I neither accept it or forgive him. He is one of the meanest,cruelest,manipulative,abusive, self-centered, selfish people I've ever met in my life . He knows exactly what he is doing in his illness and I have no sympathy for the fact he is ill.
In fact I don't have sympathy anymore for anyone who is ill. I spent the first half of my life feeling sorry for people who weren't interested in helping themselves anyway and I don't intend on spending the next half of my life doing that.
I told my A.A sponsor that with the exception of my son if I ever find myself in the rooms of al-anon again because of someone I'm in a relationship with I'll can the relationship first. It's just not worth it to ME.
But to get here took a long time and I went through alot of pain and agony. I did try to appy my al-anon program to it but he got more and more abusive so I couldn't stay.
I;m grateful that I got out of it without blowing my sobriety and making a suicide attempt.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Myles,
I am really glad you got out too! And maintained your sobriety! I can imagine how difficult it was for you, you deserve alot of credit for coming out on top and taking care of yourself!!
(((Hugs)))
I am really glad you got out too! And maintained your sobriety! I can imagine how difficult it was for you, you deserve alot of credit for coming out on top and taking care of yourself!!
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: saint marys georgia
Posts: 2
Pretywoman, I thank you for your honestly in your ost. I stumbled upon this site , not by accident, because I have been in a relationship for 16 months with a verbal and slowly starting to be physical abusive man who is an alcoholic. I had went thru a divorce a year or so earlier and my self esteem was on the low end. I had just started to begin a forward move towards getting my life better. I haave a 14 years old daughter and she had suffered thru my previous divorce since I had fallen into a spiral ofd depression and she went into one as well. THEN i met this man...a very good looking man, so charming and so tender hearted, and he had been thru so many of the same things in life that I had being it good or bad and we just connected. Looking back now i think that I had such a low self esteem of myself and thought I must be really something to havae this kind of a man interested in mee . I was fat, 12 years older than he working at a menial job and here was this charming man who had an interest in ME. wow !!! well, it turned out that he was an alcohlic, a verbal abuser, physical abuser, constantly cut me to the bone when he drank.....and i mean by saying some horrible things.......like "loook at you, you fat bitch, you are old and wrinkled.....you think you can get someone else like me?!?!" other things like "you are nothing and you shouldn't be around my kids much less your own" etc.etc. and sometimes this crap went on in front of my own daughter. She had no respect for me because I let her witness this crap time and time again....and in all actuality I was setting up a pattern for her own life be saying this is alright. I made excuses too by saying he had no one else and I was his only friend here and being the caring person I am, i stayed and tried to help, al the while he was getting his stuff together and I was the one who was sinking into a dark hole with al his garbage droppiong on top of me. But I will say this all my heart........he was not totally to blame for any of this. and before any of you bash me for that staement let me explain...I ENABLED HIM TO KEEP REPEATING THINGS OVER AND OVER
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: saint marys georgia
Posts: 2
Pretywoman, I thank you for your honestly in your ost. I stumbled upon this site , not by accident, because I have been in a relationship for 16 months with a verbal and slowly starting to be physical abusive man who is an alcoholic. I had went thru a divorce a year or so earlier and my self esteem was on the low end. I had just started to begin a forward move towards getting my life better. I haave a 14 years old daughter and she had suffered thru my previous divorce since I had fallen into a spiral ofd depression and she went into one as well. THEN i met this man...a very good looking man, so charming and so tender hearted, and he had been thru so many of the same things in life that I had being it good or bad and we just connected. Looking back now i think that I had such a low self esteem of myself and thought I must be really something to havae this kind of a man interested in mee . I was fat, 12 years older than he working at a menial job and here was this charming man who had an interest in ME. wow !!! well, it turned out that he was an alcohlic, a verbal abuser, physical abuser, constantly cut me to the bone when he drank.....and i mean by saying some horrible things.......like "loook at you, you fat bitch, you are old and wrinkled.....you think you can get someone else like me?!?!" other things like "you are nothing and you shouldn't be around my kids much less your own" etc.etc. and sometimes this crap went on in front of my own daughter. She had no respect for me because I let her witness this crap time and time again....and in all actuality I was setting up a pattern for her own life be saying this is alright. I made excuses too by saying he had no one else and I was his only friend here and being the caring person I am, i stayed and tried to help, al the while he was getting his stuff together and I was the one who was sinking into a dark hole with al his garbage droppiong on top of me. But I will say this all my heart........he was not totally to blame for any of this. and before any of you bash me for that staement let me explain...I ENABLED HIM TO KEEP REPEATING THINGS OVER AND OVER AND NEVER KEPT TO MY PROMISE TO END IT. I finally made that decision and have stuck to it and man oh man has he gotten verbally nasty about it. called me everything under the sun. but I think he understands that this time I mean it....it's over because he stopped calling after he saw I was not going to stand for it any longer. I feel bad abouta some things like him not having anyone now to depend on but he made that bed himself. For a year and a hald he had someone who loved him, was at his own beck and call no matter when or anything else and he never changed...in fact he got worse. and untill he chooses to get help and make a positive recovery, then I dont wanat anytahing to do with him not even as a friend. oh yeah, that was another excuse I made for staying with him.....we were such good friends when he was sober that i hated losing that paprt but lhe came as a package deal, and i loved the good man but could not stand being around the bad man anymore. and i want more for my own daughter because i had grown up around the same thing and patterns have to be broken in order for better things to come no matter how hard it is
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