Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Union, NJ
Posts: 3
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
hi every one and thanks for the input and advice. I am starting the meetings, hopefullyit will help. I seem to be at the end of my rope. My wonderful husband was wasted agian last night. The good part about all the binges he's been doing lately is that he isn't as young as he used to be and can't hold his liquor. He usually passes out around an hour or two after he comes home from work so I only have to deal with the anger and insults for a little while. But he's getting worse, but at least now his family is seeing it more. His brother in law called me today and said some thing about how wasted he was last night when they talked on the phone. It's getting to be the same ol' things. I just wish I had a way out. I can see the impact this is making on my kids. He yelled at my son (7 yrs old, 1st grade) for about 10 minutes the other day because he got 12 questions wrong on a math test. My poor kid was in tears by the time it was over. Of course that started things between me and him. I do my best not to yell in front of the kids, but I'm no angel. But I didn't yell just told him that he shouldn't have yelled like that. He just gave his 2 weeks notice to his job and is starting another one when the 2 weeks are up. He's only been with this one for about a month or 2. So now we have to wait another 3 months for health insurance and again no vacation this summer, not that we can afford it or even that I want to go away with him, it's just the point now. Some times I get sick of being the strong one. The one who fixes everything. I know I have to be strong and stable for my kids, but I need things too. I've been sick myself (long story, I have abdominal pain cronicly and have had several surgeries for that) and I can't seem to get better. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....poor me , poor me, sorry I just get really down and confused and angry some times and don't have any where else to vent. We're supposed to go to dinner with his parents tonight, part of me hopes that he's nice and liqoured when we go so that they can see first hand what is going on, but part of me would love just one night of peace. I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, can't think straight half the time and I feel like I'm just floating, doing mindless things day to day to try to survive. It feels like part of me dies a little every day. I have called and spoken to people at the crisis center and I have the number plus a bag packed in case of an emergency, but the scares me even more than being here. If it was just me, I don't think it would bother me, but to pull my son out of school and...well I'm sure you all understand what I'm saying. Wow, sorry didn't realise I had this much to say, gues I'll stop for now, thanks again!!!!
Kim
Kim
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Kim,
Make sure to attend alanon meetings.....you'll learn to care for you!! I understand completely how you feel and it's okay to complain, vent and feel sorry for youself..that as someone else already said in an earlier post (sorry I don't remember who!!!) that is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation!! You sound like most of us and are in survival mode...you need to get into "living mode"... alanon will help immensely with that.
The ladies and gentlemen here are SUPER and VERY SUPPORTIVE! Keep coming here and keep the faith....
Focus on you and make sure that every day you do something nice for YOU!!! I'll keep you in my prayers!!
It's okay to not want to be the strong one...I too feel that way from time to time, that's normal in my opinion!
Hang in there!!
Make sure to attend alanon meetings.....you'll learn to care for you!! I understand completely how you feel and it's okay to complain, vent and feel sorry for youself..that as someone else already said in an earlier post (sorry I don't remember who!!!) that is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation!! You sound like most of us and are in survival mode...you need to get into "living mode"... alanon will help immensely with that.
The ladies and gentlemen here are SUPER and VERY SUPPORTIVE! Keep coming here and keep the faith....
Focus on you and make sure that every day you do something nice for YOU!!! I'll keep you in my prayers!!
It's okay to not want to be the strong one...I too feel that way from time to time, that's normal in my opinion!
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Long reply....sorry
Hi lilkimi,
So sorry to hear about your health problems on top of the problems associated with being married to an A.
I can relate to the family issues. It sound like your brother-in-law is starting to see the light and may be offer some support to you?
For me, AH's parents worshiped, and still do, the ground he walks on. They had him up on a pedastal on top of Mt. Everest! He could do no wrong. He was, after all, a success in his career. How could a person be "sick" or do terrible things to his wife if he's a star on the job???????
For years, I resented this and it caused me to think awful, angry things about them! LOL. Then, a few years ago I just came to the conclusion that they really have no concept of alcoholism, even though AH's bio Dad died of alcohol-related illness and his two brothers were killed in alcohol-related accidents.
They just buried their heads in the sand, and as long as it wasn't causing problems in THEIR life, they didn't need to address it. After all....he's soooo smart, and attractive and athletic and successful.
Anyway, this went on for the first 10 years we were married. Then during a drinking binge, AH went to parents home for comfort, support and understanding after we'd had a "heated discussion."
I thought he was sleeping there for the night. I got the kids to bed and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I was awakened by AH as he grabbed my ankles and pulled me out of the bed and onto the floor. He proceeded to scream at me, throw things, break things.....glass objects, mirrors etc. And the violence ended with him punching his fist through the door. (Amazingly, all three small children slept through the entire event)
AH has apparently went over to parents home, drunk, brought liquor with him and got more drunk. They must have added some fuel to the fire, because that night he was screaming of how his mom never thought that I liked her or that she was "good enough" for me and that his sisters never felt comfortable with me and also felt that I didn't like them.
Where in the world did all of this come from?
Still, the most painful memory I have about that night still sends shivers down my spine and gives me goose bumps.....AH told me that he was going to cut off my head and sh!t in the hole.
I have never been so terrified, and it still seems like it was yesterday. That was the 2nd and last time he ever got physically abusive with me. The verbal thing still went on and off throughout the years, but never as evil and frightening as that.
Did I leave him then? Only temporarily---two nights---to my parents' house 300 miles away. But I guess that wasn't my breaking point.
I don't know why I'm sharing this....I think your discussion on your AH's family was a trigger for me. Phew....it stills hurts as much as it did on that night 10 years ago. Very creepy.
Now that AH and I have been separated for four months, I have received no phone calls from his family....not one. They don't even call to talk to our children.
Please take care of yourself. Enjoy your Alanon meeting. Alanon really helped me. The people are terrific and support you receive is fabulous.
I hope that you can get support from his family. I think it would have helped me a lot, but I managed to forgive their ignorance and chalk it up to denial. They want to live in their fantasy land where everything is peachy. That's ok with me, as long as he never again decides to pay them a visit after he's been drinking!
Sarah
So sorry to hear about your health problems on top of the problems associated with being married to an A.
I can relate to the family issues. It sound like your brother-in-law is starting to see the light and may be offer some support to you?
For me, AH's parents worshiped, and still do, the ground he walks on. They had him up on a pedastal on top of Mt. Everest! He could do no wrong. He was, after all, a success in his career. How could a person be "sick" or do terrible things to his wife if he's a star on the job???????
For years, I resented this and it caused me to think awful, angry things about them! LOL. Then, a few years ago I just came to the conclusion that they really have no concept of alcoholism, even though AH's bio Dad died of alcohol-related illness and his two brothers were killed in alcohol-related accidents.
They just buried their heads in the sand, and as long as it wasn't causing problems in THEIR life, they didn't need to address it. After all....he's soooo smart, and attractive and athletic and successful.
Anyway, this went on for the first 10 years we were married. Then during a drinking binge, AH went to parents home for comfort, support and understanding after we'd had a "heated discussion."
I thought he was sleeping there for the night. I got the kids to bed and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I was awakened by AH as he grabbed my ankles and pulled me out of the bed and onto the floor. He proceeded to scream at me, throw things, break things.....glass objects, mirrors etc. And the violence ended with him punching his fist through the door. (Amazingly, all three small children slept through the entire event)
AH has apparently went over to parents home, drunk, brought liquor with him and got more drunk. They must have added some fuel to the fire, because that night he was screaming of how his mom never thought that I liked her or that she was "good enough" for me and that his sisters never felt comfortable with me and also felt that I didn't like them.
Where in the world did all of this come from?
Still, the most painful memory I have about that night still sends shivers down my spine and gives me goose bumps.....AH told me that he was going to cut off my head and sh!t in the hole.
I have never been so terrified, and it still seems like it was yesterday. That was the 2nd and last time he ever got physically abusive with me. The verbal thing still went on and off throughout the years, but never as evil and frightening as that.
Did I leave him then? Only temporarily---two nights---to my parents' house 300 miles away. But I guess that wasn't my breaking point.
I don't know why I'm sharing this....I think your discussion on your AH's family was a trigger for me. Phew....it stills hurts as much as it did on that night 10 years ago. Very creepy.
Now that AH and I have been separated for four months, I have received no phone calls from his family....not one. They don't even call to talk to our children.
Please take care of yourself. Enjoy your Alanon meeting. Alanon really helped me. The people are terrific and support you receive is fabulous.
I hope that you can get support from his family. I think it would have helped me a lot, but I managed to forgive their ignorance and chalk it up to denial. They want to live in their fantasy land where everything is peachy. That's ok with me, as long as he never again decides to pay them a visit after he's been drinking!
Sarah
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Do I ever know what you are talking about with being the responsible one!!! ANYTHING I have done for the past 12 years (my oldest is 12) I have had to make sure everyone and everything was taken care of BEFORE I left. However, on the other hand, my Hubby could meet someone for lunch and not come home until after dinner. No phone calls to let anyone know or check to see if the bus made it with the kids or what was for dinner or do the kids have practice or homework......well I am sure ya get the drift! I pay the bills, cook, wash clothes, take care of 3 kids, work part time (my choice) and would LOVE to just blow off resposibility, but can't!
I can say that now things are MUCH better. I found this site last summer and started working on myself, setting boundaries and making a plan. Now I can do some thing on my on and at this moment my Hubby is not drinking and we are close to being on the same page. We have come a long way in a year, but I can say I have been there and I know what ya mean.
Go to that meeting and start working on yourself.......things will get better!
Constant
I can say that now things are MUCH better. I found this site last summer and started working on myself, setting boundaries and making a plan. Now I can do some thing on my on and at this moment my Hubby is not drinking and we are close to being on the same page. We have come a long way in a year, but I can say I have been there and I know what ya mean.
Go to that meeting and start working on yourself.......things will get better!
Constant
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Kim:
You mentioned your health problem (abdominal pain) in your post. And, you mention having several surgeries for that.
The bulk of your post his about his misbehaving, and yet you only write one or two sentences about your own legitimate health needs.
I know how that is, being so mentally focused on the alcoholic that everything else seems to dissapear. They become the centers of their universe, and ours too. I used to think of myself as a squirrel running around in the middle of the road, not sure of which way to go. Couldn't concentrate at work. No energy to do things around the house. I was a mess.
If your dh's misbehavior is sucking the energy out of you so that you can't give yourself the care that you need, sounds like you need to set some boundaries for survival. Those boundaries might include separating him from you & your son.
Be patient with yourself. There are a lot of things to consider... but start thinking about what kind of life YOU'D like to have, and start moving slowly in that direction.
And, in the mean time, like every one else says, get into Alanon, a church group, or some positive environment where you can be with healthy people.
Take care.
You mentioned your health problem (abdominal pain) in your post. And, you mention having several surgeries for that.
The bulk of your post his about his misbehaving, and yet you only write one or two sentences about your own legitimate health needs.
I know how that is, being so mentally focused on the alcoholic that everything else seems to dissapear. They become the centers of their universe, and ours too. I used to think of myself as a squirrel running around in the middle of the road, not sure of which way to go. Couldn't concentrate at work. No energy to do things around the house. I was a mess.
If your dh's misbehavior is sucking the energy out of you so that you can't give yourself the care that you need, sounds like you need to set some boundaries for survival. Those boundaries might include separating him from you & your son.
Be patient with yourself. There are a lot of things to consider... but start thinking about what kind of life YOU'D like to have, and start moving slowly in that direction.
And, in the mean time, like every one else says, get into Alanon, a church group, or some positive environment where you can be with healthy people.
Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Union, NJ
Posts: 3
Wow every one thanks so much! It's so good to know that some one else is feeling this way. Alot of what you said are some of the same things that his family does. I must say that his parents are coming around a little bit, not much, but some. His mother suggested that I got to visit my grandparents, in Oklahoma (I'm in New jersey) for the summer. She seems to think that that would 'scare' him into sobriety. I've tried to tell her that it's won't work. He's just gonna have freedom. Not that he doesn't now but if me and the kids weren't here, he'd go wild. She puts alot of pressure on me, saying that if any one can change him it's me and that he's such a good guy, he just drinks too much some times. You know...that stuff. I've tried to get her to go to meetings, but she'll come up with one excuse of another. And you are right, my/his brother in law is there for me. He's a great guy, kinda like God's replacement of a brother. I'm scared. Very scared. I'm most relaxed (so to speak) during the day when he's not home. The around this time, 3-4 I start to get these panic attacks, making sure my house is spotless that I have some thing, any thing figured out for dinner, that the kids are clean, behaving, that I look half way desent, (God forbid I'm wearing sweats or something "trashy" when he comes home) (not that I dress to the 9s, I just have to look desent) and planning out the rest of night so that I have as little contact as possible without making it obvious. All errons must be done before he comes home from work. Sorry here I go agian. It's just this time of the day and like I said, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know how much more I can take. It doesn't help that I had kids and married young so I never went to college or had any real job training so trying to find a job that could if necessary support me and the kids is very hard. I've been trying for months! And nothing! Well, I must go do my stuff before the monster comes home. Thanks for listening and responding!! It is great!
Kim
Kim
Last edited by lilkimi; 06-04-2003 at 01:12 PM.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
AAAggghhhh!
Okay, it's my turn to scream!
Kim, the phrase "he just drinks too much sometimes" sent me ballistic. That's what my dh says about himself. It's not alcoholism, there's nothing wrong, sometimes he just accidently picks up too many cans, accidently opens them, accidently drinks them, and accidently leaves them lined up on the table like a bunch of soldiers!
Of course, I DON'T DARE ask "how many is too many?". Oh sister, don't go there .... that's asking for serious trouble.
I can relate to getting edgy this time of day. For me, it was the other way around. I'd come home from work and find him drunk or already passed out in bed. Got to the place that passed out was preferable. I could ALMOST pretend I was living in a normal house.
Eggshells were never meant to be walked on!
Kim, the phrase "he just drinks too much sometimes" sent me ballistic. That's what my dh says about himself. It's not alcoholism, there's nothing wrong, sometimes he just accidently picks up too many cans, accidently opens them, accidently drinks them, and accidently leaves them lined up on the table like a bunch of soldiers!
Of course, I DON'T DARE ask "how many is too many?". Oh sister, don't go there .... that's asking for serious trouble.
I can relate to getting edgy this time of day. For me, it was the other way around. I'd come home from work and find him drunk or already passed out in bed. Got to the place that passed out was preferable. I could ALMOST pretend I was living in a normal house.
Eggshells were never meant to be walked on!
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