DetachMe9

I "separated" from my functional AH about 10 days ago. Left my beautiful home, garden, cats, etc. and took my basic stuff to a friend's guest house about 3 miles away. This was following a "last straw" moment when he stayed out til 3 AM drinking, something he hadn't done for over 2 years. I'd told him and myself many times I could live with recovery but not active alcoholism, but never felt "uncomfortable enough" to really leave. He has been stunned, mad, tearful, and just numb over the past 10 days. Me too.

Now I'm having a day (today) where I'm doubting what the hell I'm doing, my motives, etc. Did I leave to force him into sobriety? How stupid and (again) codep of me! I wanted to use the time away to figure out if this was "it" for me, or if my enabling had just become more subtle and deceiving to myself. Unfortunately, I can see that it has and that there are more layers of my daily enabling/codep thoughts and behaviors that need changing. I can see what I was doing much more clearly having been away for the past week and 1/2. I can also see just as clearly that he isn't doing much different. Went back to AA but (as usual) has no sponsor and that resentful/pseudo-exhausted look about him most of the time. He knows he's alcoholic, rarely relapses, but has never really worked an honest program since we married 9 years ago. The progression has been so slow, so subtle, but nevertheless progressed. Two years ago an affair, last month the job loss, mood swings, etc. But none of that daily insanity and drama that many people endure.

So now I'm stuck with what to do next for myself. Stay "dug in" at the guest house waiting for him to get into a solid recovery program to prove my point and assure my word has some meaning, OR, go home and try out what I've learned being alone? I wish it didn't feel like such a huge chess game. I want to ACT, not REACT. I don't want to lie to myself either. I know it's both of us that own the problem. I wish I could do my life how I've been doing it (for the past 10 days) back at HOME. I've felt detached, happy, and much less irritable/unreasonable. Why can't I do this when I'm with him? We're still married, nothing's changed except I took my clothes down the freaking street, and I feel free from obsession! I don't know why I can't be/do this in my own home with him. Thoughts? Thanks.

denny57

Here's my moved reply!

Is your point to get him into recovery? Only then would it seem you are stuck.

((()))

LaTeeDa

And here's mine, also copied from the other thread.

Maybe you have more than two choices? Maybe you can take him out of the equation when you ask yourself what you want for YOUR life? Maybe it will stop feeling like a game when you stop playing it like one?

L

Pick-a-name

Hi---I tired to move this thread (wasn't having much luck) and noticed you already started this new thread (Great!). I copied my reply here,too....



BTDT......actually, mine walked and I refused to let him back with out recovery. Have had all the feelings you describe (still do somedays) . Actually, part of me did think he would get treatment but the healthier part of me (a little seed) knew the kids and I could not and should not live like that anymore.

Fast forward a few years...he had the great job,$,etc(still very functional to outside and successful) and divorced me. He's still drinking,etc. "Having fun" is what he wanted....doesn't LOOK like he's having as much fun as he counted on,but who knows? (He seems to be realizing that the kids and I aren't under his control any more and I think he is starting to take notice,but who knows about that either. Might be short an enabler or two and feeling lonely;hard to say.)

I am plodding along and working on me and getting healthier......had no idea how sick I had become and how my thinking was altered just trying to keep up with calamity after another (we were married 27yr and the drinking didn't start making problems until after about 10 years and then slowly creeped up to a bigger and bigger issue). Seems like I'm spinning my wheels right now, but what could be more important than taking care of myself and our two kids?..... nothing!
Glad you are here.

DetachMe9

Thanks for all the honest replies, and I'm now feeling quite ill.

I think I'm missing him and the (fantasy) life I'd gotten so used to living. I saw him last evening for Halloween dinner at his parents (with our 13y/o son) and I'm still attracted, attached, love him. None of them know I'm staying away. Yet. I fear many things: the unknown, which includes the possibility of him getting/staying sober AND includes continued spiraling progressive f**ked-upness. Fearing that I'm making too much out of the current situation, and like my old, nasty controlling/codep self - - leaving the house to punish and yes, "force" him into recovery.

Another brutally honest tidbit from my subconcious: Earlier this week, I entertained the thought that AA/AlAnon might not really be what everyone needs, and that I should just go home and get on with my marriage. Maybe I'm just losing it, people.

Pick-a-name

I still second-guess myself some days;esp. because I still feel the same way about him much of the time,too.

None of it is easy,at least for me.

Where is your 13y old in all this?

LaTeeDa

Brutal honesty with yourself is a good thing. My humble opinion is that sometimes people get too wrapped up in the 'solution' (i.e. AA/Alanon) without defining clearly the problem. 12 steps aren't for everybody. They work wonders for those who believe and work them, but there is no magic pill. Simply showing up at meetings does not solve the problem. There are many ways to recovery, but none of them are easy. A sincere desire for change is required and if you do not have that you can go to ten meetings a day and it still won't work. Maybe it's time to step back and decide what it is YOU want. (Not what you want FROM him or WITH him, but what you want irregardless OF him.)

L

denny57

Another way to look at that is awareness of the "right" thing to do but finding an excuse - leaving recovery - to do what I'd rather do, not change. Sounds just like an addict. This was a huge eye-opener for me - nothing changes unless something changes.

I also found therapy very helpful in sorting these things out.

DetachMe9

The 13 y/o is my stepson, who lives with us 50% (Wed-Sat one week, Thur-Sun the next, etc.). He is very much aware I'm not staying/sleeping at home right now, and wishes everything would just go back to the way it was. He was quick to tell his father, "...she probably left because you just need to get a job, dad, and quit taking everything out on me and her". Bless his little heart. Otherwise, he's holding up ok.

LaT and Denny: I would selfishly ask for you both to elaborate on the points you're making. I need it. I'm painfully aware that I can hardly think outside the box that's labled 'With Him'. And yes, you're damn right I think just like an addict. I've been sober 14 years, but I've been on the longest bender of enabling with him. So angry he didn't come with me and STAY with me in our recovery together. And very very sad. More please....

denny57

Congrats on your sobriety! FWIW, I should have said an active addict!

Do you have a sponsor (in either program?)

I am a big proponent of therapy because it worked for me. I've heard plenty of shares in the rooms about 12 steps being "better" than therapy, etc. blah blah blah. Whatever works is what I say.

Therapy helped me in the area of figuring out something very similar to your situation: why I was attached to a man who cheated on me, lied to me, continued to practice his addiction, manipulated me. Very painful stuff to work through.

In my case, I was not hung up on "saving" another person. I wanted to keep the status quo and have the life I had created. How dare AH not come and live in my fantasy world. Who did he think he was?

Have you read Co-Dependent no more? There is the beautiful entry about standing on the other side, in the light. I know it's been posted here, too.

One of my best friends in Al-Anon is a double winner who also has a practicing alcoholic son. She talks a lot about her frustration about not being able to make him get the recovery she got in AA. I can only imagine what it's like.

((()))

p.s. i was so deeply attached, what worked for me was no contact

DetachMe9

Thanks. And thankfully through this whole mess recently, I've had only chocolate or cookie-dough binges. Could be so much worse.

Yes to AlAnon sponsor, no to AA at this time. It's hard to work full time and multi task meetings, double sponsors, etc. I say this likely as another excuse to NOT do something important.

Yes, all of Melody B.'s stuff is on my bookshelf. I've spent at least 1/3 of my 46 years in therapy; not in right now because of the financial burden it's taking to live in that guesthouse and pay the mortgage on my home. Have to say that physical detachment is certainly worth a mint if you have the resources. This has been a huge learning experience for me in 10 days. I just don't want to "blow it" by going home because I miss my damn fantasy.

I'm beginning to see that so many of my biggest questions/dilemmas boil down to crystal-ball stuff. That is, if I knew that the changes I could make in my enabling behaviors would make the difference in our marriage working in the long run - - then it's time to go home and pull my head out. And alternately, if I knew that making (more) changes to my behavior pattern wouldn't make a bit of difference in the marriage outcome - - then I'm staying in that guesthouse until the divorce is final and the house has a buyer. Guess the crystal ball and the Karma Police are both stored at the same facility.

God, it's been a long day. I wonder if all that candy I ate last night is impacting my resolve to take care of myself. Thanks again you all, for all your support and insight. It it priceless.

LaTeeDa

I guess my point was twofold.

1) I have heard many spouses on this board say they would take their A back if they got serious about recovery and attended AA. Sadly, when the spouse knows this, they sometimes play it as a game to keep the status quo. The old "just tell me what you want me to do, and I will do it" plea.

2) If being happy in your own life depends on what someone else does or does not do, you will never be happy. You would be giving away your individual power over your own life and therefore would always be precariously hanging on the actions of another.

I like what you said above about the crystal ball. I have learned to make my decisions based on what is, knowing that I can always change my mind later if circumstances change. There is a lot less room for regret than if you do it the other way around.

L

Barbara52

For me, as long as I was feeling unsure of where I wanted to be, I would stay right where I was til I figrred it out. There aren't any time limits in effect here. You can stay in the guest house and take the time to figure out just what it is you want and need and what is making you tick at this moment in time. Introspection is often easier when you are away from the situation and people who made you realize you need to engage in introspection.

denny57

Good luck detachme! I'm only semi-regretting the 3 trips to Baskin Robbins this week.

TKL

One of the scariest things about leaving an AH is the lack of knowledge of what is beyond a life with them. The fear of the unknown can feel so much worse than going back to something you know - even if it is something that you don't really want.

You can only live in a parallel world for so long, in the end reality will have to kick in. When I left my AH I did not plan it I simply reached a point one morning when I simply could not face the thought of going back home (he didn't even notice I was 'missing until the next day...) I stayed at my sister's and stuck to my decision - I told him that the children needed to be in their own home and that HE was the one who had to move out. He was numb, so was I. The guilt was overwhelming... I only managed to stay so strong with the support of my family.

Please stop trying to 'fix' your life together and build one of your own. If he can later become a part of it that is wonderful, but if not it will be his loss. Please put yourself first now - you have not done that for many many years.

Good luck and keep strong in the coming days....

TKL

LaTeeDa

One more thing I was thinking, but forgot to add. I don't believe AA or Alanon attendance is a solution in itself. No matter what form(s) of recovery I participate in, they are merely tools. The goal is recovery, not membership in a particular group. I hope I didn't word that too badly.

L

DetachMe9

I completely get that. Thanks.

DetachMe9

OK friends, fast-forward to today's date: November 12. My original post was on November 1st, and I decided just to pull it up and add on vs. starting another thread. Also, I received so much excellent feedback to the original that I thought it might be worth sharing again.

As of today, I'm still at the guest house and struggling with fear. I have until the end of this month to stay there, then it's back home with AH. He is unemployed for the first time ever and we(I) can't afford to do the mortgage AND the guest house rent past Nov. 30th. I'm realizing that there aren't enough AlAnon meetings/books/SR posts/phone calls or any other means of support that would make it tolerable for me to continue being married to him if he chooses not to embrace recovery.

In the 3 weeks I've been "gone" (I'm home at least every other day for the mail, the cats, the stepson) he is maintaining that after 20 years of AA, he just doesn't want to go back anymore. Says he doesn't want to drink, and realizes the detriment of same, etc. Unlike the past, I've basically just accepted that this is his choice and not argued the point to him. I see clearly now that this is the crossroads of our lives together, period. But no one is pulling the trigger i.e. saying ok, this is it, we're done.

I think the thing I fear the most is doing just that, saying it. From experience, this will start a shitstorm of alcohol-induced behaviors that may last for months. I'm tempted to say "it" now since I can be "gone" another 2 weeks and won't have to witness it first hand, but it'll be there when I get home and probably with more drama when I get there. So my other option is to lie to him and myself about what I really feel in order to get through these holidays, then crack it all open after the new year. Rock vs. hard place. Thanks for listening everyone.

LaTeeDa

You're paying the mortgage and rent. He's unemployed and drinking. What would you do if it were all about you and not him? What if there were no "us" to worry about and all you had to do was what was best for you?

L

good_luck

I was scared, too. And I existed in that limbo state for way too long. It was really rough on me, although at the time it felt like the easier option. Personally, I found myself living with my ex. Trying to make the best of it. It was only when he threatened to kill me because I went into the movie theater to get us seats when I was supposed to wait by the bathroom that I was able to concretely say "this is absolutely never going to work."

I have no idea what you should do. I won't pretend to. But making a decision, even if it is to move out after the holidays, even if you don't declare it as your intention, might make you feel better. Or maybe you are ready to make that decision now, but feel guilty about it. Or maybe you are like me, have thought about things, and need that final bit of proof that is going to enable you to walk away or stay with total conviction.

I guess the point I was trying to make was that, in my opinion, nothing has been as bad as when I was in limbo: living there, but not living there. So I completely empathize. ((()))