Taking responsibility for our choices
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Taking responsibility for our choices
This is an excerpt from Robert Burney's web site www.Joy2MeU.com
This concept was a major light bulb moment for me.
This concept was a major light bulb moment for me.
It was vital for me to start owning that falling in love was a choice I was making - not some lightening strike that I was powerless over. As long as I was reacting unconsciously - not owning that I had some power over the beliefs I was empowering and therefore the feelings I was set up to experience because of the perspectives and expectations those beliefs created - then I was in my codependency and powerless to make choices. I was then doomed to end up blaming her for not being a magical princess and/or blaming myself for being such an ugly frog.
It was wonderfully empowering for me to start telling myself - and integrating into my perspective of romance - that I had a choice when it came to falling in love. Once I owned that I had that choice, I was able to stop "falling in love" with women who were completely unavailable to me. I was able to start taking responsibility for my feelings instead of feeling like a victim of what "she had done to me" because she had not lived up to my expectations.
The reality is that I have choices in life, and I need to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices. If I choose to get involved with someone romantically, the responsibility for any emotional reactions are mine - not the other persons. I may feel like the victim of her behavior, but I can tell myself the Truth - which is that I am responsible for the feelings because I was the one who choose to give her some power over my feelings.
Personal empowerment comes through owning that we have choices. Realizing that "falling in love" can be a conscious, discerning choice is a key to learning how to stop seeing ourselves as victims in romantic relationships.
It was wonderfully empowering for me to start telling myself - and integrating into my perspective of romance - that I had a choice when it came to falling in love. Once I owned that I had that choice, I was able to stop "falling in love" with women who were completely unavailable to me. I was able to start taking responsibility for my feelings instead of feeling like a victim of what "she had done to me" because she had not lived up to my expectations.
The reality is that I have choices in life, and I need to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices. If I choose to get involved with someone romantically, the responsibility for any emotional reactions are mine - not the other persons. I may feel like the victim of her behavior, but I can tell myself the Truth - which is that I am responsible for the feelings because I was the one who choose to give her some power over my feelings.
Personal empowerment comes through owning that we have choices. Realizing that "falling in love" can be a conscious, discerning choice is a key to learning how to stop seeing ourselves as victims in romantic relationships.
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Bingo!!!
I like what Scott Peck has to say about falling in love too, although I can't lay my hands on A Road Less Travelled right at this moment. From memory, he describes falling in love as a collapse of boundaries - in some cases, a total collapse, which is how it was for me (if I ever had many to begin with!) I am in a different place now. I choose not to collapse any "normal" social boundaries between me and someone else until they have shown worthy of the extra "access", or I am comfortable with my emotional health to do so. And it is not an all or nothing thing - I am not either "walled" or totally laid bare. There are many stages in between and it is my choice how quickly or slowly I move through them. Great chance to see what someone is made of as well - if a person pushes me for more than I am willing to give, then perhaps they are not for me and I have found out in good time, rather than creating another emotionally damaging scenario.
This is the core belief of my recovery. Everything else flows from that.
I like what Scott Peck has to say about falling in love too, although I can't lay my hands on A Road Less Travelled right at this moment. From memory, he describes falling in love as a collapse of boundaries - in some cases, a total collapse, which is how it was for me (if I ever had many to begin with!) I am in a different place now. I choose not to collapse any "normal" social boundaries between me and someone else until they have shown worthy of the extra "access", or I am comfortable with my emotional health to do so. And it is not an all or nothing thing - I am not either "walled" or totally laid bare. There are many stages in between and it is my choice how quickly or slowly I move through them. Great chance to see what someone is made of as well - if a person pushes me for more than I am willing to give, then perhaps they are not for me and I have found out in good time, rather than creating another emotionally damaging scenario.
The reality is that I have choices in life, and I need to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices.
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In addition to the choice aspect, I needed to re-think the whole concept of what love is. Lust has its place; having fun together is great. Love is a different beast and I've changed my mind immensely on it.
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Me too, as far as my definition of love is concerned. In fact, I don't know that I had ever thought much about what love meant pre-recovery, and what it represented back then bears no resemblance to how I understand it now. It is still as difficult to put it into words, but I do know that "concept" is so so different.
What I do know, is that love is so much more of an action that a verb for me now. It is not so much how I feel, but what I do. I was trawling through some old posts of mine the other day (highly recommended, btw. Yours (whomever is reading), not mine!) and found a thread called "Love is...." I wrote something along the lines of "My brother making me dinner before my long drive back south". That is love in action.
What I do know, is that love is so much more of an action that a verb for me now. It is not so much how I feel, but what I do. I was trawling through some old posts of mine the other day (highly recommended, btw. Yours (whomever is reading), not mine!) and found a thread called "Love is...." I wrote something along the lines of "My brother making me dinner before my long drive back south". That is love in action.
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Originally Posted by minnie 
What I do know, is that love is so much more of an action that a verb for me now. It is not so much how I feel, but what I do.
((()))
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Heh. I guess I meant describing the feeling. There is still a feeling attached to love, but not how it once was. That is what I find difficult to put into words. All I know is that it is more "stable", more "filling" and so much less* about me.
*is that even grammatically comprehensible?!!!!
*is that even grammatically comprehensible?!!!!
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A wise friend once told me, "Love should be a verb, GL. It's something you choose to Do, or Not Do. It's not just some big pit you accidentally fall into and wallow there."
Thanks for a great reminder.
Thanks for a great reminder.
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I was reading a little about CBT (or was it REBT, or ACT? I get all those therapy concepts mixed up!) Anyway, the part I read was about the power of language/words and the emotions and value judements we place on certain words. It occurred to me that "falling in love" is just one of those poor choices of phrase. Like GL said, it's not some pit you just WHOOPS, fall into. I prefer to think of it as choosing to love or accepting love. Heck, even "being in love" is better than falling.
L
L
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 10-30-2007 at 08:16 PM.
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Well LTD, you can always be counted on for giving me something at the right moment to think about! Thanks for sharing that. Another section of thought for me that might need some "tending" when I am less overwhelmed...
Thanks so much.
Thanks so much.
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Originally Posted by denny57
In addition to the choice aspect, I needed to re-think the whole concept of what love is. Lust has its place; having fun together is great. Love is a different beast and I've changed my mind immensely on it.
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Oh, and it's not required for someone to love me in order for me to love them, and vice versa.
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It's hilarious that I was just thinking of this subject of "falling in love" on my drive home yesterday and here it is on the site today! Coincidence? I think not
.
We are so conditioned to think of "falling" for someone as...boom, something that hits you on the head like a hammer and you're powerless over it. Under a spell and unable to make sound decisions. I thought, what if I meet a good man, kind, patient, generous, intelligent, but I don't have this big wave of emotion, no "pull" toward him? Am I simply confusing lust for love? Can I choose to love this man even though we do not have sizzling chemistry? When so many women on this site say "He's hurt me over and over and over again, but I can't leave because I love him!"--what is that? Are they mistaking habit for love? Wishful thinking?
I wholeheartedly agree that love is all about action and should be a verb. One can be the most magnanimous person in words, but action is the final measure of a man. And woman.
. We are so conditioned to think of "falling" for someone as...boom, something that hits you on the head like a hammer and you're powerless over it. Under a spell and unable to make sound decisions. I thought, what if I meet a good man, kind, patient, generous, intelligent, but I don't have this big wave of emotion, no "pull" toward him? Am I simply confusing lust for love? Can I choose to love this man even though we do not have sizzling chemistry? When so many women on this site say "He's hurt me over and over and over again, but I can't leave because I love him!"--what is that? Are they mistaking habit for love? Wishful thinking?
I wholeheartedly agree that love is all about action and should be a verb. One can be the most magnanimous person in words, but action is the final measure of a man. And woman.
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Originally Posted by an'ka
When so many women on this site say "He's hurt me over and over and over again, but I can't leave because I love him!"--what is that? Are they mistaking habit for love? Wishful thinking?
L
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Bumping up this thread because I am having an AHA moment involving this discussion, plus the response I typed on Pajarito's thread.
I will be back in a little while to share. (If I can figure out how to put it into words.
)
L
I will be back in a little while to share. (If I can figure out how to put it into words.
)L
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Okay, a lot of stuff is swirling in my brain about this right now, but here is the first thought that got me going on this topic.
Why do we give credit to the other person for OUR love? I'm talking about statements like, "what if I never find love again?" and the like. I mean, my love is in me, right? So why would I worry that I might never feel it again. It's mine. I already have it. I carry it around with me. So how could I not feel it again? It's not up to another person to make me feel my own feelings.
L
Why do we give credit to the other person for OUR love? I'm talking about statements like, "what if I never find love again?" and the like. I mean, my love is in me, right? So why would I worry that I might never feel it again. It's mine. I already have it. I carry it around with me. So how could I not feel it again? It's not up to another person to make me feel my own feelings.
L
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