Barbara52

I am stuck paying for health insurance for my AH and I resent it big time. I say I am stuck because it would be fiscally irresponsible for him to be without health insurance as long as I can be held responsible for his debts which will be until we get divorced. Since he is a fine candiate for a stroke or heart attack, the likelihood of him being hospitalized at some time over the next 10 months are high enough that I cannot take the risk that a hospitalization would wipe out the equity in my home. So I'm stuck. I had been paying his benefits thru my old COBRA benefits but stupidly forgot to make October's payment so that's gone. Now I've got to buy an individual policy to cover him.

I resent having to pay somewhere around $250-300 a month for a man perfectly capable of getting a job, any job, but certainly one with health benefits! I resent still having to cover his butt financially in this manner.

ARRRGGGG!!!!

But such is life. Its only til I get the divorce or sell the house. I just have to do it because its the responsible thing to do for me.

denny57

Does he have a life insurance policy with you named as the beneficiary?

Barbara52

Yes, he does. Another thing I am paying for.

minnie

What a bummer! Unfortunately, there seems to be a very high Codie Tax to pay when getting involved with an alcoholic. That sounds flippant, but I am serious when I say that I had to label these kind of expenses that way because, inequitable though they certainly were, they were simply a consequence of my own choices. I couldn't make my ex get a job instead of flogging a dead horse with his business so that he could pay what he owed me. I could have done things very differently, though, had I known the rules of the game. Unfortunately, he did not deign to give me a copy of the rulebook. I could have collapsed in a puddle of resentment had I not decided to view the situation in a different way.

Is there any way that you can make those payments part of the eventual settlement? And Denny makes a great point about life insurance.

denny57

Can you bifurcate? Sorry to ask so many questions, but not sure of your whole story?

Barbara52

What is bifurcate?

hadenoughnow

I hear ya, even though my AH could be covered under his employer for years he insisted on being covered on my ins at a higher cost (so he could take voluntary layoff without having to be bothered to make sure his part of the premium was paid). Well at my election period this year I had the HR person kick him off my ins and got a HIPPA letter so he could get on his ins, he was all bent out of shape but oh well, that's $400 a month more for me.

Barbara52

That is a great way to put it!

Oh yes, it will be deducted from his share of the equity. Along with the $20K he took out to pay his first wife back child support and $3K for legal expenses after his 16 yr old daughter's DUI.

I'm not understanding the why of the questions on life insurance though.

Barbara52

I'm paying the life insurance so that I won't get a financial hit if he dies.

I am going to have to meet with him soon to discuss the financial aspects of our separation. Last I talked to him he said he's not ready to sell the house. Well, that's all well and good but he's not the one making tha payments and has no prospect of being able to refinance and buy me out since he's still unemployed. I am making the payments at the moment out of the equity line but that will stop soon. He hasn't contributed financially for 2 years now. At the moment he's comforatble in the house (I'm the one who left) and only has to pay the utilites (which he has done so far by picking up an odd job here and there at our church doing some painting). So far he hasn't felt any real consequences from my leaving and withdrawing financial support.

I am going to prepare a list of his options and send them to him. He can let me buy him out (I can afford a refinanced mortage to do this), he can move out and we sell the house, or he can find some way to refinance and buy me out.

Unfortunately, I can't legally force him out of the house and if he chooses to be a azz about this, a forced sale will have to wait till I file for divorce mid-summer. If agrees to one of the options, the divorce can be in February.

Worst case, I am stuck in the financial entanglements til mid-summer. I will call the mortgage company and let them know the situation and work out something with the payments. Paying his health and life insurance isn't a financial hardship really I just really resent having to do it.

denny57

By "bifurcating" marital status from the other issues, a spouse can be returned to the legal status of an unmarried (single) person, while the court retains the ability to resolve the remaining issues.

Don't know if it's an option for you, but worth asking in the context of your situation.

LaTeeDa

Maybe if you look at it as a choice instead of something you have to do, it will lessen the resentment. You choose to pay the insurance because the other choices are worse (possible financial ruin). So, you are really making a wise and prudent decision in paying those premiums. You are protecting and caring for yourself.

I know it sucks to even be in that position to begin with. (being responsible for another adult who chooses not to be responsible for himself) And I do understand your resentment. Two years after leaving I am still paying some "codie tax" as well. And likely will be for as long as my children are living at home.

You have a plan and are moving forward. You are doing what you have to do to make your life better. You should be darned proud of yourself!

L

minnie

Can you think of it in terms of a loan? I know that still sticks in the craw, but sometimes a shift in the way one looks at a specific situation like this can help enormously. edit - and I love what LTD says about making it a choice - best of a bad situation, if you like.

As I have said before, it irritates the heck out of me that the system goes in favour of the one who wishes to maintain the status quo. Surely if one party wants out, then the status quo is no longer possible? There is far less hardship on balance if the matter is settled quickly by the courts, but then I guess that it is not in the interests of many involved in the process, mainly the lawyers, not to mention the difficulties of a clogged court system.

Barbara52

Oh I am proud of having made the necessary steps to get out and to be working on clearing out the rest of his traces as soon and responsibly as possible.

Life really is good! I am happy, I am financially stable, I have friends and family who mean a great deal to me and I am working on getting to the roots of my "issues."

Choosing to do the financially responsible thing and paying these few of his expenses is the right thing to do for me. I will go away with time and the amount I spend is worth the peace of mind when I consider the likelihood of his getting serious ill.

But, that doesn't mean I have to like it.

tollbooth

Just a quick technical question on missing that Oct. payment. The month isnt even over yet, doesnt your HMO offer a grace period?

I lost out on COBRA when our business was sold. Thats a disqualifier for continuation, and I had to start dishing out for my own single coverage.

But w/e, yep, your making the right choice and taking the high-road by paying for his coverage. And NO, you certainly dont have to be happy about it Barbara! But good for you, just the same.

Barbara52

Naw, I went to send the payment today and found it was due on the 28th. End of the grace period. {sigh}

I am going to get a catastrophic coverage policy. That puts the payments down to around $250 a month (rather than the $400 before) and does what I need, protect against huge bills if he gets hospitalized. He'll be on his own for everything else. So I will be paying a bit less at any rate. Thank God for small favors I guess.

minnie

I understand you not being happy about it. However, if you will allow me to be a tad pedantic, you can choose to be happy about it, given that it is the best choice available to you. And that is all we can deal with, no?

I wish it were otherwise for you. For me, too. I wish that my ex would have paid me the $40,000 he owes me instead of spending the equivalent on taking not one, but two, fiancees on lavish holidays, engagement rings, gifts, expensive meals out, monthly cases of wine (and the rest), blah de blah. It fecks me off that I have, in effect, paid for all of that. But that is my twist on it, not reality. We can only deal in the here and now, however inequitable the situation appears to us.

Besides, the karma police have a warrant out.........

Barbara52

You're right. I resolve to toss the resentment and from here on out be glad I have the means to do the responsible thing for me!

GiveLove

Hi Barbara,

Forgive me for behind behind on this stuff but....why do you have to wait so long to file for divorce?

GL

Barbara52

In VA, if we get a settlement agreement that covers all issues, I can file for divorce after 6 months separation since we have no children together. If you have kids together, you must wait 1 yr. Without the settlement agreement, I can file after 1 yr separation. So my next task is to get AH to sign a settlement agreement.

LaTeeDa

Yes, this thought reminds me sometimes how lucky I am. And grateful that there is no reason for the karma police to be looking for me.

L