CodeMaster

Not to say we arent troubled ourselves, but as codependants, I understand we're attracted to needy people who sometimes are in need emotinoally, financially and tend to be in the extreme where they are often times drug addicts often times we find in places like clubs and bars.

So I was wondering, why do you think we have this addiction to such character?

Sometimes I think I'm a confident and strong person even arrogant but I wonder if the arrogance comes from really feeling low self esteem and sometimes I wonder if I have low self esteem and because of that maybe it makes me feel like I'm someone by "saving" someone else?

CBrown

Hmm. Well, in my case, I know that I strongly believe that it is a Christian's duty to help friends in need. Now, I have friends who call on me to help them, and I would do whatever possible to be there for them. Where it was different with my XABF is that he was running an evil game on me, and I allowed myself to get in too deep. I think sometimes people who would never dream of running game on someone, just don't know the signs of someone with that type of using, controlling personality.

I think there are some people who stay in the situation because they ENJOY being the victim. I certainly didn't. Once I knew the awful history of my XABF and knew that he had been stringing me along with false promises, the charade was over. I past the point in my life where I'm going to be ruled by narcissistic, controlling personalities. It's not for me.

Now, all that being said, I am still in the process of figuring it all out! I reserve the right to change my opinion down the road!

hadenoughnow

My mother was needy (and sometimes troubled) she expected everyone including her kids to take care of her, I grew up thinking it was normal.

LaTeeDa

I think you may have answered your own question Code.

L

Jazzman

Becasue clearly I KNOW what's best for you....


BWAHAHAH!!!

thelightdawns

I think you may have just answered this question for me.
I also feel I am pretty confident, even arrogant at times, and would not describe myself as having a low self esteem, as the original poster said. Even now.
My Mum has always made me feel guilty for being me.(Confident, capable etc)
For example:
1. Mum and my older sister were both sexually abused as children - I wasn't. Guilt.
2. Mum was shy and was told she was dumb as a child. I was always above average in school - therefore confident. Guilt. She always praised my little brother because he 'only failed a few subjects'(due to not attending. lol) whereas my A's were not impressive.
3. I have done things alone - travelled the world etc. Not followed in the footsteps by having children young etc.
WOW, thank you SOOOOOOOO much for posting this thread. I think I just had an epiphany.
I remember being as young as 14 and giving my Mother advice. FOURTEEN.
No wonder I am messed up.
And just for the record I dont think I 'choose' needy people. I have had well balanced good relationships. I just think I am just arrogant enough to think I can deal with it once it turns out that way. I didn't know my ABF was A before I started seeing him. I think he chose me, and I let him.
Maybe that's what it is, my perception of myself means I should be able to cope and be stronger than most because I have had to be. And maybe I feel like that is my main contribution to a relationship. hmmm.
Sorry for blabbering on in your thread but when you said you were confident etc I thought - 'hey! that's me!!'

denny57

I was, but I sure am not now. I've probably swung too far in the other direction; if someone asks me to push the elevator button for them I let them do it for themselves.

appleblaster

As codependents we do have high self-esteem. We are intelligent, witty and resourceful by nature and that's what attracts the needy people to us in the first place.

But we've got low self-worth. We do not love ourselves. This is where the problem comes in and why it can feel like such a paradox when we're in a situation where someone is using us. We know we're smarter than that yet here we are....in the middle of the hurricane. It is maddening because we know better but do not necessarily feel that we deserve better.

Its really the mess of the codependent personality. We are helpful, loving people but we do not know where the boundaries are between assisting people who are helping themselves and people who are using us.

SaTiT

I don't think I set out looking for needy people, nor wish life
would ever be as strange and bizard as it has been.

I belive i had some troubles of my own, but i thought i was well enough.
Being a recoverying alki myself, the last thing I've ever wanted
was for people to fix me. Been on the other side of the fence
and for some reason I attracted women that wanted to fixed
me. Take me home and love to death or change me..somewhere
alone that line. They were extreemly attractive and can have a
chioce of any man they choose to. but for some stupid reason
they picked me. And the joke from my freinds would be...
How the hell did you ended up with her ???,,she's way out of your
leauge. But as i lived and get to know these women better..
man...They had self-esteem issues.

But as far as me getting into a codependent cycle with my GF.
I just thought i love her and I would stick with her through thick
and thin and see it through. I never knew how she was as a drunk
and the first 5 years of our relationship was relatively healthy.
The lost of her father and our twins was too much her, so she
ran from her pain to cope and into her alcoholism again. I thought
i just see it through and be stronge for her.
well, it basailly drained me as the years went by, and the next
i knew i was a bit bewilder and confused about everything.

alcoholism kicked my arss again, even if i wasn't using myself.

Or maybe payback it a B^%$...I imagine i put my ex-wife
through a living hell too....i don't know.
Maybe I'm living out my bad karma in this life time..i don't know.

I guess through it all, i've learned to have a bit more compassion
for people.

I'm still working on having more compassion for myself...live and learned i guess.

cagefree

Funny - but I didn't realize why until I dug into my history and did some work on my past and how I dealt with circumstances I was placed in growing up.

I learned some pretty messed up rules as a kid:
*Say what other people want to hear and avoid getting to the root of things and they'll love you
*Since you never know what reaction you'll get from the same behaviour, the reactions from others is your feeling guage.
*Certain things almost always elicit loving reactions - like when you go out of your way for someone or when you do something incredible.
*You are responsible for making others happy.
*People who need you don't leave and are easier to control

Honestly, I never expected for the A to be the one to throw me out - so when he did I had to face these illogical stupid rules and broke them all.

WOO-HOO!

GiveLove

That's what it was for me anyway.

It felt powerful to be able to save someone.

It felt ten times more powerful when I realized that I could (and should) turn that energy to saving myself. But before I saw that light...I was Somebody because I was smart/loving/loyal/strong/patient/wise enough to make someone else's booboos all better.

CodeMaster

Interesting point how its not necessarily low self esteem, but low self worth. I think that would make more sense because I dont think I feel low self esteem, but self worth on the other hand hits the spot. I allow myself damage to myself that I dont think a person who loves themselves would allow.

So I can SEE now, reviewing my history and going through the experiences I've completed, it has ALLOWED me the greatness of SELF AWARENESS. I still have a lot to SEE, but I go to clubs a lot and before I thought people in there were just NORMAL and this is simply THE WORLD. Now I can see many in there are very needy and attracted to me sure maybe for my appearance but definitly because I am better off then a lot of them and can easily buy them drinks or take care of them or whatever they want. They can see the vibe of well off in me and get attracted to me. I look healthy, I'm in good shape, I workout a lot, and I have a good career.

Now, the part I dont know yet is even though I am aware of my tendencies, and I am aware of what others are doing around me, some maybe using me, some need me, some love me sincerely and probably most all of the above!

I have a deep attraction like a craving for smoking (I used to smoke, quit that ****) for these girls. Not only do they make me feel like I'm a king, but they can be the most beautiful creatures on earth. But .. I know its all trouble, its all a repeat of my past, its all me being enabler and them being drama / affairs / and trouble filled lives .

Yet... I have to fight this feeling I have for them like fighting smoking cravings, which I dont have anymore.

Just like an alcohllic has to fight their cravings for life, its built in their GENES is why.

I believe my weakness is also passed on to me by my father and is built in my genes.

The biggest question I really have and wonder deep down is, is it really possible for me, or us to ever be someone who we arent? Maybe you cant change who you really are, and sometimes I think I should just let go.

SaTiT

For me, it's weird sometimes, becuase I'm a little bit picky
when it comes to pick out partners and it's not like she has
phyco stamp on her forhead. And she looks healthy, smell
healthy, felt healthy.

My ex-wife was was in her best behaviors
when we were dating and she was the woman of my dream as
far as appearance, And the way she was treating me when we were
dating..i basically got away with anything and everything. Everything
was on my terms. She was the one that approch me and asked me
out. I totally was heads over heels over her. I didn't even understand
alcoholism nor codependency. i was drinking and partying heavy..
So whatever i was doing i thought she loved me the way that i was or it trun her on.
She acted like it truned her on.

But after we got married. she was like a totally different person. All of the jealousy
issues showed up , which i though was bizard. And all of the control issues
showed up. Then she started telling me i needed to changed..
what da ??? i never really understood that for years. She told me i had
a drinking problem, she was the person that went shoping and there wasn't
shortage of liquar in the house. i didn't understand that.

Her parents were drunks and addicts too. And they drank in
front of her/us. So i didn't know she had a problem with people using
around her, or how it effected her at the piont in time.
But she also had a mean streak in her too..which i found attractive or
it truned me on. it was a marriage from hell.

So when i got into recovery and sober up..i didn't understand codependcy.
I thought , i do the opposite. Take care of my family and be a man and
grow up. I still didn't understand about ACOA. I never knew how much
my father's drinking or growning up in an alcoholic home effected my
perceptions of life. i never had any surpport from my family even after
I got my life back on track. Everything i did wasn't good enough.
I've always felt that after i got sober...yeah instant pain.
Yes, a lack of selfworth...i bascailly felt worthless the day my mother
adandent me. But also at the sametime i felt like i was doing the rigth
thing, being a provider, doing whatever i need to do for my family.
I never thought it would be an unhealthy thing.
It took me a long time to face my codependency and just as much
wreackage for my to even start looking in this section of SR.

I also feel a deep sence of guilt for hurting my ex-wife. So it was
a combination of fear of abandentment and guilt of hurting the one
i love most. All i wanted was just to have a normal family.

There's a common theme tho..my codi ex-wife hit me with her car
and my alki gf too...it's too much for me.
So..i guess attract certain types of women.lol
i can luagh at it now..but in those moments, it was a bit painful.

i bascailly had to go back and do another inventory of my childhood
to understand me better. A lot of things to look at. Just writing this
is helping me understand myself better.

Cindi R

Definitely was learned from childhood...mom was dysfunctional with mental health issues and dad was & still is practicing alcoholic.
Mom said that "from the time I was 5 I acted like the mommy"...
cultivated to grow up to be a nurse...
caretaking is in my blood, in my genes.
Until I started learning about addiction, codependancy, acoa...I was sick, sick. sick...
still am, but feeling better every day.
More at peace.
More ok with my decisions making me happy and not necessarily having to please all the people all the time....

denny57

I think we can change our thinking and behavior patterns. They are learned and can be unlearned.

Thanks for the heartfelt share, Code.

LaTeeDa

No, I really don't think I can change who I am. I do think I can take a look at how I am and change that. In other words, I can use the personality traits that I have in ways that are beneficial to me rather than destructive. In fact, that's one of the things I disagree with Alanon and AA about. I don't like the concept of "character defects." I believe that all of us have unique gifts and it's how we choose to use them that matters.

Maybe you just need to add some other options to your life. Do you have interests other than going to clubs? Maybe take a night class, or join an amatuer photography group? Not saying you should stop going to clubs if you enjoy it. Just that you may want to branch out and broaden your horizons a little. You might meet some interesting people who aren't so needy.

L

CodeMaster

I love reading everyones thoughts and experiences, thanks for sharing....

Rella927

This has always shocked me learning and growing in recovery how so many of us had these same rules-

I do believe however we can change our behavior patterns and our "stupid thinking" as I know I have been working and applying this to my life today!

I believe that when we learn within ourselves that is ok not to think or behave in our "old" way that we open up the door for a lot more exciting things in our lives and one is learning to love ourseleves and exploring the new ways of thinking which creates such a wonderful balance and energy all around us. It is knowing that we can be loved and deserve to be loved and knowing that in my case that my parents did the best they could with raising me, now it is time to raise myself, love myself and live a happy and full filled life because it is OK to do so! I'm worth it!

And so are you Code

GiveLove

You will find more emotionally, physically, and financially needy people in clubs & bars than you will anywhere else. Brain-numbing rooms packed with drunks, needy women in expensive clothes, an emotional crisis happening at every table, people clinging to you like leeches because of your money, looks, and personality.

It's a lot like smoking, or drinking, or drugs. It's a high, a temporary fix, a boost to your ego and your spirits, but it's empty, empty, empty.

It wasn't until I found other things I was passionate about -- and branched out from the clubs -- that I started to feel in control of myself and my life's direction. You ask if someone with those cravings can change. I did. I see how empty that kind of validation is now, and it makes me a little queasy.

Try some other stuff, code. There's some amazing things out there that don't happen in clubs.

Hugs,
GL

Bella_Fox

Good question. For me, as for everyone, it's complicated.

I'm an alcoholic, recovering from an eating disorder, had a father who abandoned me as a small child, rape survivor, blah blah blah. I find myself drawn to men like me: melancholic, troubled, professionals -- and I think the whole reason behind it is that I feel more comfortable with them because they won't judge me for being screwed up...