I am the home breaker....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
I am the home breaker....
Well, this is what my AH is telling now. As you may remember, after 9 years of marriage, I have decided to leave with my 2 children.. I have signed the lease 2 weeks ago and moving out next week.
My AH starting putting up a show of the father and husband of the year in the first few days after my telling him about my decision. I was even beginning to question my own sanity:"why do I want to leave??". But I kept going and anyway, the lease was signed so there was no way I could go back on my decision. Then things began reverting to "normal" and in my sad twisted mind, I started to feel happy when he would drink more because it was a reminder that I was no insane after all.
Now, he is trying a new tactic of looking depressed and telling what an awful person I am. I am the home breaker you see. It is all my fault if the children will have to live in a broken family. When I tell him I am leaving because he did not give me any other alternative, he shrugs it off and says that the hurt he has caused me is nothing compared to the hurt I am causing to him and the kids....
He really knows how to push my buttons... I am feeling guilt already over the situation.... All I can say is that I can't wait to be out of my house and be able to face my own feelings on my own. But I am scared about that too....
My AH starting putting up a show of the father and husband of the year in the first few days after my telling him about my decision. I was even beginning to question my own sanity:"why do I want to leave??". But I kept going and anyway, the lease was signed so there was no way I could go back on my decision. Then things began reverting to "normal" and in my sad twisted mind, I started to feel happy when he would drink more because it was a reminder that I was no insane after all.
Now, he is trying a new tactic of looking depressed and telling what an awful person I am. I am the home breaker you see. It is all my fault if the children will have to live in a broken family. When I tell him I am leaving because he did not give me any other alternative, he shrugs it off and says that the hurt he has caused me is nothing compared to the hurt I am causing to him and the kids....
He really knows how to push my buttons... I am feeling guilt already over the situation.... All I can say is that I can't wait to be out of my house and be able to face my own feelings on my own. But I am scared about that too....
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sounds like he knows just what to say to make you doubt yourself.
You reached a decision based on what your life has been like and what you want for your children. You know that what you are doing is best for them and for yourself. It is also good for your AH in that it will make him deal with his life as it really is without the layer of protection and blame that you provide.
Be strong and listen to your gut. If it helps write down (for yourself) exactly what led you to your decision so you can review it in those moments of doubt.
You reached a decision based on what your life has been like and what you want for your children. You know that what you are doing is best for them and for yourself. It is also good for your AH in that it will make him deal with his life as it really is without the layer of protection and blame that you provide.
Be strong and listen to your gut. If it helps write down (for yourself) exactly what led you to your decision so you can review it in those moments of doubt.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
such a sad story, for i truly do believe that the alcoholic does not want to lose their family......it's the monster of addiction that keeps them from being whole.
but they have choices. they can choose to deal with that monster and try to keep it in control, or they can continue to drink and let the monster live.
he is suffering the consequences of his decision. i am sorry for you, your children, and yes, even him.
my heart goes out to addicts, even tho i had to remove myself from their target zone because of the extreme damage they can create.
it's just so sad. i really, really think alcohol is downright evil. just think of it.....what purpose does it possibly serve? i dunno, maybe it's just because of the hell i've been through, as well as everyone else here, because of alcohol.
stay strong, sweety......his addiction is speaking....and although it hurts like hell about leaving, you must know in your gut that you are doing what you need to do in order to ensure you and your children have a good life.
may god bless all of you
but they have choices. they can choose to deal with that monster and try to keep it in control, or they can continue to drink and let the monster live.
he is suffering the consequences of his decision. i am sorry for you, your children, and yes, even him.
my heart goes out to addicts, even tho i had to remove myself from their target zone because of the extreme damage they can create.
it's just so sad. i really, really think alcohol is downright evil. just think of it.....what purpose does it possibly serve? i dunno, maybe it's just because of the hell i've been through, as well as everyone else here, because of alcohol.
stay strong, sweety......his addiction is speaking....and although it hurts like hell about leaving, you must know in your gut that you are doing what you need to do in order to ensure you and your children have a good life.
may god bless all of you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Well, Lucy, don't you know that it's ALWAYS our fault?
I'm so sorry he's pushing your buttons. He is manipulating you as only someone who knows us well can manipulate us.
The breakthrough for me, in the same situation, came when I finally found my anger breaking through my guilt. How dare he do that, say that, after all you've tolerated, after how hard you've tried to do the right thing?
The first few days on your own, if you're like me, will be a time of a vague feeling of lostness.
The next few days will get easier.
And one day you'll wake up and know that everything is going to be just fine, that everything is possible, and that you have just saved your own life and your children's.
But you need to get away from his whining and nagging and blaming as much as you possibly can first. That will nibble away at your self-confidence. Can you avoid him, or walk away when those conversations start? They are just the quacking of an alcoholic, chipping away at you to try to keep his comfy situation. Is that doing you, or your children, any good at this point?
When do you get to leave? Can you move that date up if it starts to get worse?
Hugs,
GL
I'm so sorry he's pushing your buttons. He is manipulating you as only someone who knows us well can manipulate us.
The breakthrough for me, in the same situation, came when I finally found my anger breaking through my guilt. How dare he do that, say that, after all you've tolerated, after how hard you've tried to do the right thing?
The first few days on your own, if you're like me, will be a time of a vague feeling of lostness.
The next few days will get easier.
And one day you'll wake up and know that everything is going to be just fine, that everything is possible, and that you have just saved your own life and your children's.
But you need to get away from his whining and nagging and blaming as much as you possibly can first. That will nibble away at your self-confidence. Can you avoid him, or walk away when those conversations start? They are just the quacking of an alcoholic, chipping away at you to try to keep his comfy situation. Is that doing you, or your children, any good at this point?
When do you get to leave? Can you move that date up if it starts to get worse?
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
(((((Lucy)))))
You see, it's all my fault too, in my AHs eyes. He is unable or unwilling to take a look at the reality of what brought our marraige to its demise. My AH is pulling out almost all the stops to try to get me to take him back. Mine too is very depressed and feeling sorry for himself because in his eyes, he is the innocent one and I am "so cold".
Please know you are doing what you have to do for you and your children to be happy and healthy. The feelings are like a roller coaster ride that I want off of but I hear that things will gradually get better.
Stay strong in your convictions. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
You see, it's all my fault too, in my AHs eyes. He is unable or unwilling to take a look at the reality of what brought our marraige to its demise. My AH is pulling out almost all the stops to try to get me to take him back. Mine too is very depressed and feeling sorry for himself because in his eyes, he is the innocent one and I am "so cold".
Please know you are doing what you have to do for you and your children to be happy and healthy. The feelings are like a roller coaster ride that I want off of but I hear that things will gradually get better.
Stay strong in your convictions. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Lucy,
It will be all your fault unless he finds his own way to recovery and starts working a program and dealing with the trainwreck he has made of his own life. He is just doing what addicts do, which is blaming and manipulating and trying desperately to keep things comfortable for himself.
It is very difficult to keep your center when you have to listen to them quack....when you get away from him it will get better, I promise. I have been seperated from my A since March. We were married for almost 25 years. He has (and continues to) say and do the same things. It seems they all read the same playbook or something....
Stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing the right thing and the only thing that will help not only yourself and your kids, but him.
It will be all your fault unless he finds his own way to recovery and starts working a program and dealing with the trainwreck he has made of his own life. He is just doing what addicts do, which is blaming and manipulating and trying desperately to keep things comfortable for himself.
It is very difficult to keep your center when you have to listen to them quack....when you get away from him it will get better, I promise. I have been seperated from my A since March. We were married for almost 25 years. He has (and continues to) say and do the same things. It seems they all read the same playbook or something....
Stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing the right thing and the only thing that will help not only yourself and your kids, but him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I hear ya, I am a "home wrecker" too. I no longer bring up the "D" word anymore, why listen to his quacking?
I feel for you, I am going to file in January and I am sure I will be hearing all kinds of crap out of him and am dreading it, not to mention how much fun it will be to get him to move out.
I feel for you, I am going to file in January and I am sure I will be hearing all kinds of crap out of him and am dreading it, not to mention how much fun it will be to get him to move out.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Lucy 
My heart goes out to you and your children with happy thoughts as you begin your NEW LIFE!
When the monster (As embraced stated) gets a choke hold of them it is an awful thing to watch happen to most who are such wonderful people inside themselves-as long as they continue to allow this to happen and make the choices they make it will always be anyone elses fault but their own! Kind of like it was with me-I did not drink but I blamed everyone else or everything on the problems/issues I faced in my life!
I feel by the sounds of it you are aware which is the greatest feeling to know that he can try to push your buttons but you are not allowing it anymore!
Good for you! Good luck to you and the kids! Nothing but the best from here on out!
My heart goes out to you and your children with happy thoughts as you begin your NEW LIFE! When the monster (As embraced stated) gets a choke hold of them it is an awful thing to watch happen to most who are such wonderful people inside themselves-as long as they continue to allow this to happen and make the choices they make it will always be anyone elses fault but their own! Kind of like it was with me-I did not drink but I blamed everyone else or everything on the problems/issues I faced in my life!
I feel by the sounds of it you are aware which is the greatest feeling to know that he can try to push your buttons but you are not allowing it anymore!
Good for you! Good luck to you and the kids! Nothing but the best from here on out!
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