living with a "functional alcoholic"

Old 10-29-2007, 06:04 AM
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living with a "functional alcoholic"

Well I have not been on here for a while so I'll try to be brief and give an update. My "FA" husband is just that-functional. I have been married for 22 years, 2 kids boy17, girl13-I know I can not change him and I try to live that way but at times it is tough. He is a good father, husband-does not cheat, is not violent... just drinks of course secretively and tries to hide it. He was in rehab 16 years ago-when I really did not understand the disease myself and believed he would come out cured! My son is aware of his alcoholic behavior as my husband gets emotional, talkative etc. My daughter- I have tried to shield from all this as she at the age of 12 started to develop an eating disorder (anorexia) which at that time I promptly got her help and seems to be on the mend. I am not sure if she really knows but is smart so it would not surprise me. I just do not want to hurt her and have her relapse so I do the best I can to make things seem normal. My father's brother committed suicide (he too may have been depressed and under the influence)last week and my H really liked Uncle B. This of course has triggered more drinking. Unfortunately, my parents are aware of this whole situation but my H is the executor to my uncle's will (he was single) so this morning he is off with my father to the attorney's. I caught him this morning in the garage w/ his bottle of wine. Of course he knew he was busted. Promptly, I dumped it down the drain which I know I should not do but heck- I am human and it is poison to him (and me). My faith is very strong so I rely on God for alot of my help and live precisely in the present, not in the future or the past. I am not an AL-Anon person so please don't tell me to go there. It just is not me. I plan on going back to either my therapist or someone at church (they have a help ministry) for further guidence. My husband went to the doctors in the summer for a physical-all his numbers were high-glucose, liver function, blood pressure etc. After that he did do better by quiting for awhile and looked 100% better ie-no red face, glassy eyes etc. Unfortunately, all that has returned and my mother asked if he was on again as she could tell. My father is going thru a hard time right now because of his brother (he found him) and now my H is in the mix because of the will. He just left to pick up my parents to get the process started-should I have gone and driven? My kids are still sleeping (teachers are on strike) so they are off school. He left so I only hope and pray all goes well today. I know this too hurts my parents seeing him like this as they feel for me. My H has no sibllings and both parents are deceased. I do know I will survive all this and I try in my heart to be the strong one but it does hurt to see someone almost dying a slow death (or fast) due to what this illness does to the body. My H is a good guy, would help anyone but somehow has this demon within and it just will not let go. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated and I do value this site to vent-I feel better already as my fingers got their exercise this morning
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Old 10-29-2007, 06:59 AM
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Going to see a counselor is a great idea. Also, learning about alcoholism and codependence helped me tremendously. Especially when I learned that "functional" is merely a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic. The disease progresses differently in different people, but it is unlikely he will remain functional forever.


Oh, and welcome to SR.

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Old 10-29-2007, 08:16 AM
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Member,
I have to agree with LaTeeDa, he WILL NOT remain functioning forever, in fact when the deterioration really begins it isn't at the same pace that the last several years have been. It is like falling off a cliff at the end. It all just stops working!

I didn't read about this in a book, I am 8 years sober after having been a "functioning" alcoholic for almost 27 years. I never did lose the stuff, IE. Big house, cars, even my business. They all just were greatly diminished until at the end I had lost the respect of my 4 children. I lost my 2nd wife and most importantly I didn't even know who I was at the end. I was one of the lucky ones; I got desperate and finally went to AA, because I wanted to, not because everyone's long extended advice to go was heeded.

I know that you can't do anything to change him. Believe me; I really do know that only the alcoholic makes that life saving choice. You keep doing what you are, that is really the only choice that you have. You are welcome to use my words if you want, tell your hubby that HE WILL DIE, but that will be the good news. Before he does he will be unable to look at himself in the mirror and the despair that he is currently feeling will be magnified a thousand times over. There is NO SUCH THING as maintaining the status quo; it is all downhill from here.

My prayers are with you and yours, I happen to be celebrating my 55th birthday today, one that I would never have seen 8+ years ago if I had kept it up. I still have all the material stuff. My daughter called from New York today to tell me how much she loved me. She wouldn't speak to me 8 years ago. I have a wonderful woman in my life again, and I really LIKED WHO I SHAVED THIS MORNING!!

I would be happy to tell you’re AH this story if for any reason he wants to talk, however I doubt that will happen, but the offer is there.

Best wishes and be strong for yourself and your family.

Jon
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Old 10-30-2007, 07:51 AM
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Hi

It does hurt to watch someone slowly killing themselves. It's why I no longer have contact with that person. For a very long time I put someone else's pain above my own. I don't do that anymore.

Sounds like you have a plan to take care of yourself. Keep posting - it helps!

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Old 10-30-2007, 09:02 AM
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I learned that "functional" is merely a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholic.-LaTeeDa
So true!

My father was what most called "Functional" as a Doctor as surgeon it actually lasted with him-as his disease did not progress, he died at age 65. However my brother who also was a "Functional" A lost his job of 25 years, his home, his wife, his kids......etc...he is fortunate to be alive today but still playing on the merry go round-his alcoholism was "functional" until his disease progressed!

I truly believe life is "functional" even with codies until we become so lost with others pain i.e. their lives that we forget our own-that is when we too become deeper into our co-dependency and are no longer "functional".

It appears you have a good head on your shoulders and a great start to a plan, just keep taking care of you and putting yourself first and the rest will work if you work it!

Hugs
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Old 10-31-2007, 09:43 AM
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Your post today was definitely from the heart. Both my husband and father were high level functioning and maintenance drinkers. Their drinking never interferred with their work. In fact, their careers thrived. But my family life growing up was a disaster and my marriage was also destoryed by their drinking. I hit an emotional bottom first as a result of their drinking. My father never stopped and he wsa 88 when he died. am the first of my exhusband's three wives.

Whether or not they are still drinking, living or just knowing someone who drinks too much is too difficult to bear alone. Although you say that Al-Anon is not for you, it one path of recovery available to families and friends of people who drink or drank too much. Certainly, there are other choices such as help from a therapist, counselor, member of the clergy, etc. But for me, Al-Anon was the last thing I tried. I wasn't a joiner and was an agnostic--so why would I go to a spiritually based support group? But Al-Anon has worked well for me over the years. I have also received help from therapists and kept attending Al-Anon.

I hope that you are receivng some type of help/counseling and taking care of your self. I learned the hard way that sick people continue to do sick things and that drinking was the number one priority of the alcoholics in my life. Being a daughter and a wife was definitely not on their radar screens.
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Old 10-31-2007, 02:24 PM
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Dear Member 31986

Maybe (just maybe) my own experiences might give you something to think about...

My ex-husband was a functionining alcoholic and whilst I am 'here' looking for advice and help regarding my children, reading your mail took me back about 4 years in an instant.

The desperateness, the loneliness, the frustration, the anger, the fear and the pain. They all roll themselves together and eat away inside you as you continue to 'get on with life' hoping that today will be the day that things change - that they will somehow see the error of their ways and your world will be normal again...

Should you have 'let' him get in the car and drive today? How could you have stopped him??

I believe that the most important thing now is to look after yourself. You are responsible for you and your children. It may feel as though your AH is your responsibility (how often did I think of mine as a third child...?) but ultimately he is not. That does not mean that you do not love him or care about him, it just means that your first responsibility is to yourself and your children as they are the parts of your life that you can control.

In the end I took the decision to leave my husband and - luckily for all of us - that was the final push that he needed to go into rehab. He has been dry for a few years now but I chose to stay away even once he was dry. It was very hard to let go of the guilt (i'm not even sure I truly have) but I know deep down that I couldn't have carried on living with something over which I would never have any control.

You're going through hell right now and you are lucky to have your faith to turn to, but please don't focus so much on your AH and his problems that you forget about looking after yourself.

Take Care

TKL
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Old 10-31-2007, 05:15 PM
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Hey Member - I was musing tonight about how far I've come since my first desperate post here. Seems like a lifetime ago and I can look back now and see the thousands of footsteps between there and here.

"There" was like where you are - he seemed like a nice guy. He was not like some of the really troubled drunks you might have read about here - mine was functional. He made six figures. He was kind. He was never abusive. He clearly loved me. I felt that tolerating him and his drinking was about as good as it was going to get.

But as time passed I started to realize that part of that nice guy thing is an act. No, not like a sociopath or anything. He was a sick man and part of his unconcious method of keeping the status quo so he could drink was being decent. I want to reiterate that it was not a sinister plot - it was part of what he did naturally to survive as an alcoholic.

I can see that so clearly from here. It was so hard to see at the start of the journey. Maybe your situation has a similar element. The element is this: He is just as troubled as the most troubled drunk you'll read about on here. He has just adapted and maintained his ability to drink in a different way.

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Old 11-01-2007, 09:43 AM
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I "separated" from my functional AH about 10 days ago. Left my beautiful home, garden, cats, etc. and took my basic stuff to a friend's guest house about 3 miles away. This was following a "last straw" moment when he stayed out til 3 AM drinking, something he hadn't done for over 2 years. I'd told him and myself many times I could live with recovery but not active alcoholism, but never felt "uncomfortable enough" to really leave. He has been stunned, mad, tearful, and just numb over the past 10 days. Me too.

Now I'm having a day (today) where I'm doubting what the hell I'm doing, my motives, etc. Did I leave to force him into sobriety? How stupid and (again) codep of me! I wanted to use the time away to figure out if this was "it" for me, or if my enabling had just become more subtle and deceiving to myself. Unfortunately, I can see that it has and that there are more layers of my daily enabling/codep thoughts and behaviors that need changing.

So now I'm stuck with what to do next for myself. Stay "dug in" at the guest house waiting for him to get into a solid recovery to prove my point and assure my word has some meaning, OR, go home and try out what I've learned being alone? I wish it didn't feel like such a huge chess game.
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by DetachMe9 View Post
So now I'm stuck with what to do next for myself. Stay "dug in" at the guest house waiting for him to get into a solid recovery to prove my point and assure my word has some meaning, OR, go home and try out what I've learned being alone? I wish it didn't feel like such a huge chess game.
Maybe you have more than two choices? Maybe you can take him out of the equation when you ask yourself what you want for YOUR life? Maybe it will stop feeling like a game when you stop playing it like one?

L
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by DetachMe9 View Post
So now I'm stuck with what to do next for myself. Stay "dug in" at the guest house waiting for him to get into a solid recovery to prove my point and assure my word has some meaning, OR, go home and try out what I've learned being alone? I wish it didn't feel like such a huge chess game.
Is your point to get him into recovery? Only then would it seem you are stuck.

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Old 11-01-2007, 10:04 AM
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Crap.

That, and I'll start a new thread.
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Old 11-01-2007, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by DetachMe9 View Post
I "separated" from my functional AH about 10 days ago. Left my beautiful home, garden, cats, etc. and took my basic stuff to a friend's guest house about 3 miles away. This was following a "last straw" moment when he stayed out til 3 AM drinking, something he hadn't done for over 2 years. I'd told him and myself many times I could live with recovery but not active alcoholism, but never felt "uncomfortable enough" to really leave. He has been stunned, mad, tearful, and just numb over the past 10 days. Me too.

Now I'm having a day (today) where I'm doubting what the hell I'm doing, my motives, etc. Did I leave to force him into sobriety? How stupid and (again) codep of me! I wanted to use the time away to figure out if this was "it" for me, or if my enabling had just become more subtle and deceiving to myself. Unfortunately, I can see that it has and that there are more layers of my daily enabling/codep thoughts and behaviors that need changing.

So now I'm stuck with what to do next for myself. Stay "dug in" at the guest house waiting for him to get into a solid recovery to prove my point and assure my word has some meaning, OR, go home and try out what I've learned being alone? I wish it didn't feel like such a huge chess game.

BTDT......actually, mine walked and I refused to let him back with out recovery. Have had all the feelings you describe (still do somedays) . Actually, part of me did think he would get treatment but the healthier part of me (a little seed) knew the kids and I could not and should not live like that anymore.

Fast forward a few years...he had the great job,$,etc(still very functional to outside and successful) and divorced me. He's still drinking,etc. "Having fun" is what he wanted....doesn't LOOK like he's having as much fun as he counted on,but who knows? (He seems to be realizing that the kids and I aren't under his control any more and I think he is starting to take notice,but who knows about that either. Might be short an enabler or two and feeling lonely;hard to say.)

I am plodding along and working on me and getting healthier......had no idea how sick I had become and how my thinking was altered just trying to keep up with calamity after another (we were married 27yr and the drinking didn't start making problems until after about 10 years and then slowly creeped up to a bigger and bigger issue). Seems like I'm spinning my wheels right now, but what could be more important than taking care of myself and our two kids?..... nothing!
Glad you are here.
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Old 11-01-2007, 11:40 AM
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My XAH was also a functioning one but only as far as the job goes...and I don't really think that was going well either because he was driving and drinking staying out late in the company truck. He also walked away from us (2 kids and myself) to party with a party girl and all I have been hearing is that she may be done with him...go figure that....she's done with him?? Well.....she grew it she can chew it. But anyway...he wasn't as functional as what alot of other people thought he was it was an illusion he created to the outside world. The kids and I knew better though. We could see that something big was about to happen and that was when he left the family high and dry.
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