keepingmyjoy

Hi all, You guys warned me he would try to keep me....wow is today going to be hard. AH left a letter for me to read after he left for work. He has been working near home and has been walking to the job since I made my point about not wanting to drive him to work anymore. In the letter, he seems to take full responsibility for his actions. How do I feel, you might ask? Sad. Too little, too late. But, I do believe he believes his words and feelings and so when I do leave, it's gonna hurt him. And you know how that is! God forbid I hurt someone!

He says he still loves me, and that "as actions speak louder than words, I can certainly understand why you feel unloved by me and I am truly sorry for that! All the blame can be fully put on my shoulders. Anything less would be a cop out." another part..."it seems instead of embracing you and thanking you for (all I have done) I took it for granted like some sort of twisted birthright". He says he wants to be the guy I fell in love with. He wants us to get off the rollercoaster, but does not want us to leave the park just yet and try a new ride, probably something in the kiddy park. He says "I really don't want you to jump out of the car yet". He says, "I love you".

What precipitated all this, was that he asked if I was looking for an apt. He must have been snooping and found notes of places I looked at or whatever. I told him how things have been for me and that I cannot live in it anymore.

So here I am, ready to sign a lease, knowing that I HAVE to sign that lease for my own sanity and healing. How do I tell him that one letter can't heal everything? I don't want to try to control him anymore. How can I tell him I am leaving anyway without crushing him? without telling him what to do about his sobriety? He already knows what he should do, but will not go down that road, which is why I am leaving...nothing changes if nothing changes, right? But the fact remains, I love him. I don't want to hurt him. But the side of me that is stretching to survive is screaming in pain....I want YOU to NOT hurt ME!

I know in his heart he feels this way truly. But, I have no trust anymore. Sorry for the rambling...I just found the note. Please you guys, once more, please help me keep my head on straight! Thanks so much for being here for me. I could never have made it this far without you all. Hugs....

Barbara52

{hugs}

MY AH didn't put it writing but that was exactly what he said to me (seriously almost word for word) the first time I met with him after I left and thought I would immediately move back. Its 3 months since I've left. He's now a dry drunk, still won't go to AA, still won't get into therapy, still doesn't have a job.

You can tell your AH that you love him but will no longer enable him and cannot live with him until he seriously begins turning his life around. Ylou can tell him that your moving out doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over. But that how he handles himself and his life over the next year (I assume its a year lease) will determine what happens next. You can tell him that the most caring thing you can do for him is to let him get his life together without the interference of your daily presence and the inevitable arguments. That you are giving yourself time to heal and him time to work on himself.

One more thing, this is clearly his attempt to control your actions. He knows you are leaving just not when and wants to try and stop you.

cagefree

Sorry you are going through this - it was hard for me too.

When I gave XABF 2 weeks to pack up and find somewhere else to live he had an "awakening" as well and said all the right things. He proposed on 3 separate occasions and wrote me pages about why we should be together. He cried and he begged.

After he moved out he went to 90 in 90, got a counselor and sponsor - then a few months later he went back to the way he was - distant, unavailable, selfish. I was done at that point.

I wish I had been "done" when I kicked him out.

Hang in there - you'll find your strength.

keepingmyjoy

I think the hardest part of all this is that he does have a good job, has always done a good job and that he is helpful around the house, etc, but has totally neglected the important things, like all the relationships in his life.

You can tell your AH that you love him but will no longer enable him and cannot live with him until he seriously begins turning his life around. Ylou can tell him that your moving out doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over. But that how he handles himself and his life over the next year (I assume its a year lease) will determine what happens next.

Thanks, I will try to do that. I thought about saying that, along with the fact that I need to get off the rollercoaster completely for us both to see what it is that we need to do to heal this mess....what do you think?

keepingmyjoy

But, I do need to add, I am not sure I want to "heal this mess", now that I think of it. And I don't want to give him false hope. But, I just don't want to do all of this is in a hurtful way.

hadenoughnow

He is going to pull out all the stops to try and keep you there. Do what you need to take care of yourself and your son, if he is serious about recovery you leaving won't stop him from getting help.

lovemypup

Stay the course
Mine sent the sweet letter saying he was wrong and will change and went to 4 AA meetings.
When I didnt run back to him he stopped the AA and became very mean.
So be prepared. This is just his first stage. The next one can be wicked.
Stay the course. Do want you want to do. Dont do it for him but for yourself.

Mr. Christian

Keep moving forward.

LaTeeDa

I told mine I can't hear your words anymore because your actions are drowning them out. In my experience they will say anything as long as they don't have to do it. It's really hard, I would guess probably one of the hardest things you've ever done. But remember actions, not words, are what cause change. On your part and his. You are taking action, he is spewing words.

L

queenteree

keepingmyjoy - Before my AH went to rehab, I was ready to leave and had places all picked out. Even while he was in rehab, when I'd visit him, I'd tell him that I didn't think it was going to work and we should separate for a while. He'd said the same things to me as your AH. He was sober for 98 days and has been drunk since, and even told me that he's going to continue to drink. I no longer would trust a thing my AH says, it's all a matter of them trying to win you back. You have come so far, I would sure hate for you to kick yourself in the butt if you decide to stay. Keep posting and keep in touch. I'll be thinking about you.

Janitw

stay the course hunny...

daisies

I asked my AH to quit many times over 13 years of marriage. He too stopped when I told him that I was "DONE". He has quit drinking now for almost 3 months but he is not actively working a program. He thinks that everything should be a bed of roses now. Well its not. I am DONE and I mean it. I can no longer continue on the roller coaster of what living with an A is like. I need my sanity and happiness back. He has been trying to win me back but I dont trust or respect him any longer.

All I hear from family member is how GREAT he is since he stopped drinking for 3 months and how 'hard' this must be for him.

Keep doing what you need to do to keep YOU healthy.

Barbara52

You aren't giving false hope. You are telling what you think, feel and need now. No one can be sure how they will think, feel and need a year or more from now.

Stop worrying about hurting his feelings! You have to do what's right for you. He has certainly not woried about hurting you, now has he?

Pick-a-name

Take the year to focus/work on yourself and let the future take care of itself....if he gets better in the meantime and you feel like reconnecting as two recovering people;fine. If not,you will still be improving your life one day at a time. I heard of both things happening. Time will tell; as will his actions (and yours).

Sorry this is so difficult.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

minnie

Of course he did, hon!!! He wants to maintain the status quo, so what else could he do?

Imagine a little less "charged" scenario (although not much!) - a teenage daughter will not keep her room tidy or do chores in the house and her parents keep on and on and on at her to pull her finger out or else they will take her car away and she ignores them. And they don't take the car away. The, one evening, the parents tell her they have sold her car because she has not done what they asked repeatedly. What do you think her reaction will be? And what is the reaction of her parents?

Words mean nothing, actions mean everything, as has been said. And often, by the time WE take action, it is too late. It was for me, certainly. For all sorts of reasons. My ex did exactly the same, intensely for a period of time, but carried on even when he was with someone else. I later found out that he did exactly the same to the next woman when she found reached her end. In fact, the emails from him to her that she sent me were so uncannily like the ones he sent me, it did make me wonder if he had simply copied them.

Trust me when I say that you will know if and when he really "gets it". There is an undefineable yet undeniable shift when recovery takes hold. Perhaps then you might reconsider, but I would urge you not to wait for that moment. If you carry on with your plans, you will give him a great gift - that of the chance to take responsibility for his own life.

As for how to tell him? I would suggest calmly, keeping it in the "I" and without giving him a road map. Let him figure it out for himself.

GiveLove

Keeping,

I'd be careful too.

First of all: You don't have to tell him ANYTHING. You're under no obligation to respond to this.

Second of all: You can only speak your own truth -- inserting "us" in there implies that there still IS an "us" that he can keep manipulating you toward being again. Yet correct me if I'm wrong but....If he had been holding up his end of "us" all this time, you wouldn't be in this situation. Right? His cushy little world has been turned upside-down, and with ever fiber in his body he wants it back.

Now, all of a sudden, he's realized that he loves you and that he screwed up.

Now, all of a sudden, next he'll tell you how much he's willing to change and get help.

Now, all of a sudden, you need to give him more chances.

Now, all of a sudden, this magical rollercoaster has materialized out of nowhere...and his implication is that YOU BOTH CREATED IT, rather than just him.

I'm sorry to say this, but I doubt there's one of us here who hasn't received some version or other of that same letter.

It's called "quacking", and it's as common as rain. It is designed to make you feel the way you're feeling. Sure, today, right now, at the moment when he was writing, he felt that. And the other day, when he said "so what" ? And tomorrow, when he's drunk again? What happens then?

Know that this is what happens with alcoholics. Almost ALL alcoholics.

It's sad, but the only way to save yourself is to do what you're doing for YOUR life, and let time reveal what he decides to do about HIS life.

Maybe you should go back and read some of your early posts here on SR. I remember them. Do you?

Hugs,
GL

GiveLove

This was the same thing that happened to me. In moving, I came across some letters that he had written to his ex's -- the two before me -- they were almost the very same as the letter(s) he'd written to me begging me "not to give up on him" and "not to let go"......

Talk about an eye-opener.

None of this is about YOU, or how YOU feel, or what YOU need. You are a concept, an option, a "thing" he wants (comfort, couplehood, security). Your needs & wants haven't mattered for a long time, and they don't really matter now to him either...he needs you to still be attached to him, and he will say whatever he thinks you'll react to. You have a big heart. He knows that.

If you do not respond the way he wants & expects you to...his true colors will reveal themselves in pretty short order.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this phase, keeping. It IS just a phase though.

minnie

Great post, GL.

I just wanted to highlight this bit, in particular:
This touches on some of the nuances that I have been exploring recently surrounding interactions, especially with those who are on the more abusive side of the spectrum. So very often, statements are laid on the table and, for some reason, I treat them as questions. In fact, bullys and abusers often use this tactic to get people to back themselves into a corner, so they don't have to do it themselves. You know, it is really easy to remove yourself from that exchange with all sorts of techniques, the "broken record" one being my favourite.

edit - seems GL and I are posting at the same time. And patently have had the same experiences.
As you say, GL, this becomes totally clear only we step back and let them show us. Engaging only clouds the issue.

K, time to stop playing this game by his rules and focus on what you want and how you are going to get it?

queenteree

Keeping - so true, yes so true. My AH didn't write this is a letter, but these were the very words he said to me on a daily basis (several times a day in phone calls) for 3 weeks while he was in rehab. And he had said it for the past two months that he is on his binge, thinking that I may leave hm, except for last weekend, when he told me he is going to drink beer, and that is what HE decided he was going to do. And I am free to do what I want to do. As another poster posted here, you will know when recovery actually takes hold. When my AH got sober many many years ago (and remained sober for over 14 years) I knew he was in recovery, I could just feel it and see it, and he never relapsed for those years (I also didn't get back w/him right away - waited about 6 months or so). That's what I was hoping for this time, but HP showed me that isn't so. Please stick w/your gut.

keepingmyjoy

You guys are so great. Thanks. I did sign the lease anyway. There is a piece of me that is so excited and there is a piece of me that is so sad.

Anvil, thanks for pointing out that "it's not my job..."! funny how even though you are trying to make the changes to grow, there is always room for improvement-and some behaviors that you don't even realize that you are still doing. I am so used to "taking on the job" that I did not even get that I was doing that! Thanks again for telling me. My gut says---get out! :codiepolice

None of this is about YOU, or how YOU feel, or what YOU need. You are a concept, an option, a "thing" he wants (comfort, couplehood, security). Your needs & wants haven't mattered for a long time, and they don't really matter now to him either...he needs you to still be attached to him, and he will say whatever he thinks you'll react to. You have a big heart. He knows that.


I think I really knew that even as I was reading it. And you know what, I used to cry when he would finally throw a scrap of caring out! I did NOT cry today. I am so glad you all shared with me that your AH's etc said sometimes the same words. I did not even consider that I did not have to respond! Hmmm, gotta digest that one.

I told mine I can't hear your words anymore because your actions are drowning them out.

LTD, can I borrow that one! I love it! But you guys are so right. I signed the lease and did not have one qualm about it! I am not looking forward to when he gets nasty, but he will, because I am going to go forward!

I am so grateful to have found you all. Thanks for keeping my head on straight today. There really is so much that I have yet to do in my recovery and I know I cannot do this while living with him. Gosh, you guys are great people.