The day I'm signing lease, AH leaves me a letter!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
This was the same thing that happened to me. In moving, I came across some letters that he had written to his ex's -- the two before me -- they were almost the very same as the letter(s) he'd written to me begging me "not to give up on him" and "not to let go"......
Talk about an eye-opener.
None of this is about YOU, or how YOU feel, or what YOU need. You are a concept, an option, a "thing" he wants (comfort, couplehood, security). Your needs & wants haven't mattered for a long time, and they don't really matter now to him either...he needs you to still be attached to him, and he will say whatever he thinks you'll react to. You have a big heart. He knows that.
If you do not respond the way he wants & expects you to...his true colors will reveal themselves in pretty short order.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this phase, keeping. It IS just a phase though.
Talk about an eye-opener.
None of this is about YOU, or how YOU feel, or what YOU need. You are a concept, an option, a "thing" he wants (comfort, couplehood, security). Your needs & wants haven't mattered for a long time, and they don't really matter now to him either...he needs you to still be attached to him, and he will say whatever he thinks you'll react to. You have a big heart. He knows that.
If you do not respond the way he wants & expects you to...his true colors will reveal themselves in pretty short order.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this phase, keeping. It IS just a phase though.
Keeping - congrats on signing the lease!! Listen to the wise words of others on here... It's all about actions...the words mean nothing with out them.
~Mtb
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy
I told mine I can't hear your words anymore because your actions are drowning them out.
LTD, can I borrow that one! I love it!
LTD, can I borrow that one! I love it!
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 24
Wow! What a thread to read tonight!! I'm just back from a week long personal road trip that I took to just 'escape' reality since I have just recently left my AH. I came here tonight to find some words and encouragement and strength since I am back in my hometown and have to contact him tomorrow to discuss putting the house up for sale so that we can buy our own places. I have had a great week away getting some sleep and relaxation and taking care of ME, but as soon as I drove back into the city limits today I started feeling sick to my stomache. This is all exactly what I needed to hear.
Keepingmyjoy I swear I could have written EXACTLY the words you wrote. I have received a few messages from my AH since I left home, with all the exact same words. And it's hard...so hard. But I know I have to do this and I know I have to find the strength and keep the strength. Knowing there are others out there who are also struggling with the EXACT SAME situations and there are others who have made it way BEYOND struggling and are now living a wonderful peaceful life...well...it's wonderful. And it's going to help me sleep a bit better tonight.
And I will come back tomorrow before I call him to re-read this exact thread. It's exactly what I needed.
Thank you Keepingmyjoy for sharing, and for everyone else for your sharing and wise wise words.
Thank you all. Thank you thank you thank you.
Dakota.
Keepingmyjoy I swear I could have written EXACTLY the words you wrote. I have received a few messages from my AH since I left home, with all the exact same words. And it's hard...so hard. But I know I have to do this and I know I have to find the strength and keep the strength. Knowing there are others out there who are also struggling with the EXACT SAME situations and there are others who have made it way BEYOND struggling and are now living a wonderful peaceful life...well...it's wonderful. And it's going to help me sleep a bit better tonight.
And I will come back tomorrow before I call him to re-read this exact thread. It's exactly what I needed.
Thank you Keepingmyjoy for sharing, and for everyone else for your sharing and wise wise words.
Thank you all. Thank you thank you thank you.
Dakota.
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Hi all, just wanted to give you the update. I feel so much stronger after all of your posts and I thank you for each and every one of them!
Dakota, sorry you are going thru all this too, it is hard, isn't it? But we are going to be alright.
I flirted with the idea that I did not have to address the letter he wrote, but he was so pleased with himself, acting all happy, like he had "fixed" all this that I felt that I needed to try to get him back into reality. So, I told him that I could no longer live with him and without making this a really long post, I tried to just stick to the point that I need to heal my self and find out why I thought it was ok to let someone treat me the way that he did and that I cannot take responsibility for his own choices anymore, specifically, driving him to and from work. I told him that I feel that I have driven him long enough (5 years!!!!) to have had him work out getting his license back etc and since he chose not to do anything toward that goal, I am leaving. Oh, and I also asked him if he really thought it was fair that he is the one that got 2 DWIs and I am the one who is still paying for them? He said no, it is not fair. I told him I would only be driving him a short time longer so he needed to make some arrangements.
There was more said, but needless to say, he got angry. Then just very quiet. (He has not been drinking, so no outburst last night) This morning, when I drove him to work, he said that he would be talking to his supervisor about working closer to home, and if he gets laid off, he will have to deal with that. IMO, it was an attempt at trying to make me feel guilty with the whole martyr thing. "Poor me" etc.
So, keeping on keeping the course forward--thanks to you all!!!!!!
Dakota, sorry you are going thru all this too, it is hard, isn't it? But we are going to be alright.
I flirted with the idea that I did not have to address the letter he wrote, but he was so pleased with himself, acting all happy, like he had "fixed" all this that I felt that I needed to try to get him back into reality. So, I told him that I could no longer live with him and without making this a really long post, I tried to just stick to the point that I need to heal my self and find out why I thought it was ok to let someone treat me the way that he did and that I cannot take responsibility for his own choices anymore, specifically, driving him to and from work. I told him that I feel that I have driven him long enough (5 years!!!!) to have had him work out getting his license back etc and since he chose not to do anything toward that goal, I am leaving. Oh, and I also asked him if he really thought it was fair that he is the one that got 2 DWIs and I am the one who is still paying for them? He said no, it is not fair. I told him I would only be driving him a short time longer so he needed to make some arrangements.
There was more said, but needless to say, he got angry. Then just very quiet. (He has not been drinking, so no outburst last night) This morning, when I drove him to work, he said that he would be talking to his supervisor about working closer to home, and if he gets laid off, he will have to deal with that. IMO, it was an attempt at trying to make me feel guilty with the whole martyr thing. "Poor me" etc.
So, keeping on keeping the course forward--thanks to you all!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 24
Oh yes...it seems they will try any and all tactics to get you to stay/come back. If being nice doesn't work, they'll get angry, if that doesn't work, they'll try and make you feel guilty, if that doesn't work...
Well, I'm not sure what comes next...but I'm sure there's more ahead...
So, I too, am keeping on the course forward and look forward to being out on the other side. Keep posting as it is SO great to hear from people going through it with me and keeping strong. It's like I HAVE to keep strong if you're keeping strong!
Keep on keepin' strong!!
Dakota.
Well, I'm not sure what comes next...but I'm sure there's more ahead...
So, I too, am keeping on the course forward and look forward to being out on the other side. Keep posting as it is SO great to hear from people going through it with me and keeping strong. It's like I HAVE to keep strong if you're keeping strong!
Keep on keepin' strong!!
Dakota.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Sorry to hear his recovery was not sustained. Lets all not lose sight of the fact that every day many people indeed attain meaningful recovery, though it has not happened to our loved ones on this forum for the most part.
Originally Posted by cagefree
Sorry you are going through this - it was hard for me too.
When I gave XABF 2 weeks to pack up and find somewhere else to live he had an "awakening" as well and said all the right things. He proposed on 3 separate occasions and wrote me pages about why we should be together. He cried and he begged.
After he moved out he went to 90 in 90, got a counselor and sponsor - then a few months later he went back to the way he was - distant, unavailable, selfish. I was done at that point.
I wish I had been "done" when I kicked him out.
Hang in there - you'll find your strength.
When I gave XABF 2 weeks to pack up and find somewhere else to live he had an "awakening" as well and said all the right things. He proposed on 3 separate occasions and wrote me pages about why we should be together. He cried and he begged.
After he moved out he went to 90 in 90, got a counselor and sponsor - then a few months later he went back to the way he was - distant, unavailable, selfish. I was done at that point.
I wish I had been "done" when I kicked him out.
Hang in there - you'll find your strength.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by steve11694
Lets all not lose sight of the fact that every day many people indeed attain meaningful recovery, though it has not happened to our loved ones on this forum for the most part.
Take what you like, leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by steve11694
Sorry to hear his recovery was not sustained. Lets all not lose sight of the fact that every day many people indeed attain meaningful recovery, though it has not happened to our loved ones on this forum for the most part.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by denny57
I have attained meaningful recovery and that is huge.
God bless you.
Is it ok for me to hold onto a prayer deep inside that my wife can do the same?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by steve11694
God bless you.
Is it ok for me to hold onto a prayer deep inside that my wife can do the same?
Is it ok for me to hold onto a prayer deep inside that my wife can do the same?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by steve11694
...Is it ok for me to hold onto a prayer deep inside that my wife can do the same?
Mike
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