good_luck

Hey there everyone. I feel like I am more a part of this board than I am, due to excessive lurking and little interaction. So, I should probably explain my situation.

I was dating my XABF for about three years. Had trouble acknowledging the alcoholism, as well as the toll it was taking on me. It was a slow process; I got a little (understatement) confused.

Anyway, the situation has worked itself out. I realized that, much as I love the guy, he is just a mess. More importantly, he was blaming me and attacking me and just generally bumming me out. It was preventing me from being the best possible me, unfortunately.

So, I have relocated several thousand miles away. It's been almost two months since we've broken up, so I am legitimately feeling a lot better. And he seems willing to leave me alone, so that is nice.

Here's where my question comes in. I honestly love this man. I know that we aren't going to date again, and that's cool. And we probably should just stay out of each other's lives for awhile, just so we don't fall into the same destructive patterns. I've made it clear that I will always love him, but I probably can't even be friends with him unless he stops drinking. However, I also offered my support if he chooses to get sober. And I mean it.

Not only do I mean it, but I also have a fantasy that he will stop drinking, and I can offer him a safe place to be after he stops for 6-12 months, obviously working a program as well. Because I am moving to another city, I guess I am just thinking it might be good for him to get away and focus on himself for a month or so.

Is this insane?

I mean, I have moved back home for 2 months, in an attempt to get my life together and find some peace. And it was a really good idea. This dude doesn't have that option, as his family is less than sober. And frankly, he supported me for a few months when I needed it. I would love the chance to do something nice for him if he was on a healthier path.

Can I have this fantasy? Or do I need to let it go? Who thinks that it might work? Is this just more codie thinking, dang it?

(Keep in mind that this "plan" of mine takes place in, like, three years or more, and does not involve us getting back together.)

Ok, that's it. Opinions, experience, please.

thanks!

Barbara52

IF you envision any of this 3 yrs or more in the future, well then I would wait until 3 yrs or more have gone by and see how you are thinking about it then. That a whole lotta time and hopefully you will continue to grow and mature and as a result are not going to be the same person you are today. Neither will he, regardless of whether he is in recovery or not.

Why try to figure out what you might do in several years when you have no idea what those interveing years might bring?

good_luck

Well, yeah, that's kind of a good point.

I guess, honestly, I was more curious if it was at all useful/harmful to have offered to be supportive of his recovery, in such a weirdly specific manner.

And I guess I know the answer to that: maybe.

prodigal

Welcome, luck, I'm glad you found us! I certainly understand your fantasy. I, too, have indulged in the fantasy of my AH getting his act together, becoming a warm, loving guy once again, and behaving in a rational manner. I think we hold onto our fantasies because when we start to let them go, we have to grieve.

Grieving the death of our dreams is one of the most devasting losses we ever have to face.

Right now, your fantasy might be a way of protecting yourself from facing "what is" and replacing it with "what if." I applaud your moving away from your ex, and as an Al-Anon member once said to me, "We can love our alcoholics, but we have to love them from a distance."

I'd suggest you give Al-Anon a try if you haven't already. Getting active in that program can help you to let go of your dream when you are ready to do so, and it will also allow you the opportunity to interact with others who have faced similar situations with the addict(s) in their lives.

I'm glad you're here with us. Please continue to post - we're here to offer you support!

denny57

I like this definition of fantasy that I found:

An imagined event or sequence of mental images, such as a daydream, usually fulfilling a wish or psychological need.

Today I think if I was tying my fantasy to someone changing in 3 years time, I'd figure out it was a way of not dealing with my own issues. As long as I pinned a 3-year time span on someone else's actions I could use those 3 years to avoid my own reality.

JMO.

good_luck

Denny-- Oh sure, fantasies are totally a way of "softening" reality. However, I think that my putting it three years or more in the future is actually a positive step for me? Let me clarify: if the fantasy was that I could rescue him in the immediate future, as it had been, I would stay in town, keep contact, and basically put my life on hold in the hopes of the unrealistic becoming real. But by putting it in the future, I can get on with my life, do what I have to do for myself, and hopefully have an entirely new perspective on things in three years.

Does that make sense? I think that the idea that I can help him out if he does some work himself is allowing me to get out of this situation and still feel like I am not abandoning him. I am simply requiring a lot more of him than I ever had for him to be in my life again.

I guess I am trying to do this as lovingly and self-preservily (ha) as possible. Because I don't feel good about not being there for him, but I feel worse about putting up with one more second of alcoholic nonsense from him.

GiveLove

Good_luck,

For what it's worth, I personally see nothing wrong with fantasy as long as you don't act on it. Or don't act on it for three years, in your case.

Why? Because fantasies are road maps. They show you what you are wanting/needing, what you want to be and to experience. I don't know if that makes sense. But it's like this for me: If I find myself in a relationship with someone, and can't let go, it's because there is something there I'm supposed to be learning about myself. It could be something as simple as needing/wanting someone who is strong in a certain way, or as complex as needing some kind of validation that I AM THE KIND OF PERSON I THINK I AM. I am compassionate. I am desirable by a fine-looking man. I am smart. Whatever.

There's something to be learned from fantasy. Only you know what it is for you. Do you write, or journal? You might do a freewrite about this, just spilling your guts on paper (never lifting the pen from the paper, or your fingers from the keyboard) for 15 or 20 minutes, putting down everything your mind spits out.

You might learn a lot about why this fantasy is important to you right now...and whether it's in your best interest to entertain it. Obviously there's two possibilities: It's a good thing, meant to reinforce some aspect of your growth. OR It's a bad thing, a sinking back into "rescuer" mode.

Bad and good, of course, being pretty darned subjective

There are also certain personality types (like those who are enneagram type 4, like me) who are just big on that kind of daydreaming and mental role-playing of all kinds, just to explore different things that MIGHT happen, to try on what we might do. It's almost a kneejerk thing.

Anyway....that's the path I usually follow when I'm trying to understand why my mind does something. Explore the whys...with great kindness toward yourself.

Hugs,
GL

Mr. Christian

Hi,
I think the true fantasy here is that you can make a difference in his life, you cant.
This will be a long road for him.
It took a long time to get where he is it will take twice as long to get out of, if he continues a good program.

You on the other hand have a chance at a new life, go forward.
The reality will set in with time, that you are better with out him.

PrettyViolets

I would rather live out my fantasies with someone who is healthy and sober. It was too painful for me to try to live them out with my alcoholic husband when he was not sober.

The best thing that I have come to realize is that it can be good to date different people who are healthier and a better choice for you.

I know what it is like to have a previous boyfriend help you out. This previous boyfriend that helped me out is now married.

So for me, I just naturally thought--okay this is my chance to redeem myself and show the world that I can give to my own alcoholic husband.

I am having to accept reality at this point.

My redemption may just come from making my next boyfriend a cup of soup and a sandwich. Or just being a wonderful and healthy person for someone else to date.

I cannot be responsible for someone else's addiction.

ARealLady

I also have a fantasy that he will stop drinking, and I can offer him a safe place to be after he stops for 6-12 months, obviously working a program as well.

This strikes me as codie thinking....putting the cart before the horse instead of living in present reality and controlling what you can control. Why would you want to tie yourself up to three years down the road when the fact is that he is still drinking? Please, please, please....start living your life for YOU.

XABF and I had dreams....very do-able dreams from my point of view but when I realized that his daily priority was the bottle, I knew that I needed to take charge of my own future. I told him he needed to work a programme and stay sober. And, because I am a great Melody Beattie fan, I knew that he had to be sober for a year before we could even re-consider our relationship. That, however, didn't mean that I would pine away for him for the next year. It meant that I was going to start going where my life took me so I went back to college and I am tentatively making plans for a vacation with friends next summer. XABF no longer is a factor in my life. That might change but I don't allow myself to even daydream about it.

Stay strong!

ARL

ARealLady

I don't feel good about not being there for him

You're right, Good Luck, that's the part that hurt me the most when I went no contact with XABF after stating my boundaries. I did not want to be perceived as heartless and cruel and cold because I am not that way in my other relationships with people. As someone here pointed out to me, my worry about his perception of me was classic co-dependency......ouch!!

ARL

denny57

I guess I'm at the point where my fantasies are about ME, much like they once were until someone else's addiction took over. I spent many years (18) thinking I could be there for someone and save them, so I know where you are coming from.

I don't feel I abandoned AH at all. I saved myself and I have faith he can do the same. He deserves the dignity of finding his own way.

Bottom line - doing what is right - whatever that means to each personal individually.

((()))

FormerDoormat

When I indulge myself in fantasies, I'm trying to live my life in the future. When I wish I could regain the relationship I used to have, I'm trying to live my life in the past. Either way, it's a mechanism to avoid living in the present and dealing with my own shortcomings.

SaTiT

I don't think having hopes or dreams of life getting better is unrealistic.
I've always dream of a regular, normal, home.

It's just for me to be involve with an alcoholic it became unrealistic,
unpredictable and draining. I can't say the same will happen to someone
else. I've heard and seen many, many successful recverying alcoholics.

I'm bascailly in the same situation as you are and the older you get
the crappier I feel about myself. well, I'm drain and tire and i'm
not incline to go out and conquar the world or put my life back
together again, just to have it all go down the drain becuase I
choose a wrong partner.

LaTeeDa

Nothing wrong with fantasies. I have several of my own. But, as Denny pointed out, they are more about me. And, I can take action today toward making them come true. That feels good. Having a fantasy that totally depends on someone else doing something seems more like an excercise in frustration. I suppose you could keep that fantasy out there, kind of like winning the lottery, but even then there's the action of buying a ticket which you control. I guess I would be concerned that holding on to the fantasy would hold me back from really getting on with my own life. That my decisions and actions would be influenced by the fantasy, rather than freely chosen.

JMHO,
L

cagefree

You're grieving - it's natural to bargain with the "what if's"

If alcoholism were all about the alcohol, simply removing it would cure everyone. XABF of 3 years did quit for a while when I kicked him out, but he didn't quit "bumming me out".

(((Hugs))) to you...