tollbooth

..........errr...........I mean relationship partner.

My XAGF got engaged and moved in with a new guy in less than 6 months after we broke up. Now that seems like a really short amount of time to meet someone, and make the decision to get married. But she has already had two prior divorces, and numerous failed engagements under her belt. So I can pretty much predict the outcome of this particular tale. Also, he is most possibly an alcoholic too based on the numerous times I have seen him stumbling, incoherent drunk. Is this scenario pretty much textbook for the A's?

I know our purpose here is to move on and take care of ourselves. But the past few weeks after learning about this has been chipping at me non-stop. Its preventing me from moving forward and detaching. So I figured why not ask if its common?

CatsPajamas

Yes it's very common. It's easier to blindly move forward and have that exciting rush of a new relationship rather than to work thru the pain and grieving of the end the old one. The sad news is that until a person really learns the lessons that were presented in a relationship, s/he will make the same mistakes and go thru the same painful lessons again and again.

It's a scary thing to look at yourself and your part in a failed relationship. A's dont tend to be able to do that, or they would most likely be working a program of recovery instead of dulling their feelings with a substance.

This is not everyone's experience, but it has been mine. It hurt a LOT until I was able to focus on my own parts and let him deal with his. In the end, I have learned to have healthier relationships~

Hugs
Cats

Wascally Wabbit

These people are not mentally stable, and most of all they are DESPERATE for someone in their life that they can manipulate. When we suffered through the relationship, got caught up in their insanity, and decided it wasn't good for us and ended the relationship, they just move on to another victim.

I know it hurts, but you did what you have to do. Just watch. Things will deteriorate for her, yet get better and better for you! And remember, YOU are not the failure here.

Mr. Christian

Yes it does happen alot.
Also as far as moving on and detaching you pretty much have no other choice.

From what you ha ve written you were just in line with alot of others. Think of yourself as lucky that you got out when you did.

fluffyflea

Yes absolutely part of the modus operandai.


Ngaire

CBrown

Let's see. My XABF never DID break up with me. Of course I took off the engagement ring immediately because I knew what he was up to. I think the timeline was: End of our vacation 8/5, broke off daily phone calls 8/17, called on 9/6 saying he wanted me back and it coincided with his checking account bouncing. Engaged to XGF by 9/18, never heard from him again. I think that's six weeks. It is a good thing I had access to his email and a couple friends who would honestly tell me what was going on so I didn't sit here 1200 miles away thinking I was still engaged, while he was putting a ring on another woman's finger, planning vacations and making wedding plans.

So YEAH, I'd say they get involved with the next victim pretty doggone quick! They're variations on a theme of alcoholic insanity and the pattern is pathetically familiar.

Tollbooth, I also know that chipping at me feeling. It comes and goes, and I hope it will go more and more as time goes on.

Jazzman

Yep, same here. Standard stuff you'll hear a lot. A new enabler w/ a fresh history (or one that hasn't been spoiled yet)... Kinda like "pulling a geographic", know what I mean?

Gotta let that stuff go.

prodigal

Been through it myself. My exAH met a girl online at one of those dating websites and moved her in within a month of "meeting" her. She had just moved up from Texas in order to be close to her family in Maryand. It was just before Christmas, exAH didn't want to be alone, and he moved her in. I happened to go by his house to drop off some stuff of his I had packed when I moved out.

Yep, there she was with all her stuff moved into the house, the tree was up and fully trimmed, and I imagine he gave her my engagement ring - LOL!!!! Yep, he wanted it back. Jeesh, it wasn't his class ring and we definitely were not breaking off from "going steady." What a crumb-bum!! I gave him the engagement ring. So what? I wasn't taking it with me when I die. I imagine he ended up putting it on her finger.

However ... last I heard from a friend back home, she is no longer part of his life. Who knows? Maybe he married her then divorced her. Maybe she left. One thing I know for sure - he's still lining up victims and probably still trolling for them out on one of those dating sites - gross!!!

denny57

It is common, but also seems to be common among the non-A's, too. I've seen many posts here from SO's who also move on quickly to the next person, sometimes before the A is out of their life. The more I occupy myself with keeping my own side of the street clean, I realize just how much of my own trash I need to pick up.

GiveLove

Happened to me, at least, tollbooth. X was still begging to get back together even as he was already still involved deeply with another woman, eight weeks later. I don't think they CAN be alone. They need to latch onto another victim. C'mon, we can call a spade a spade

Trying to figure out why she did what she did will drive you insane.

Best to say "that's what addicts do", sigh, and get on with your own dreams.

Hugs,
GL

guineapigjude

I'm a member of the club, too. X was with the new girl before the ink was dry on the divorce papers, probably while we were still living together. From what I gather of their relationship, it seems to be playing out exactly like ours ~ he gave her the sob story, now he is living rent free, driving her car ... sigh. I could tell her how the story ends, but I'd hate to spoil the surprise! LOL!
My therapist says this is text book stuff ... move on to the next enabler, and never deal with the emotions.

FormerDoormat

Victim is the correct word. Instead of focusing on what your ex girlfriend is doing and the motivations behind her actions, perhaps you might want to spend some time figuring out why you allowed yourself to be her victim, too.

tollbooth

Hate to be one of those persons who victimizes themselves. But the answer to that question was plain as day. I allowed myself to believe that it was "just the alcohol talking" and it wasnt really her true self. Her sober side was, for the most part, wonderful. Well, except for the constant anxiety, low frustration level, and angry outbursts over my imagined wrongdoings upon her! Towards the end, I truly was walking on eggshells around her, and began to project my increasing frustration towards her behaviors.

I'm certain that a healthier person would have much sooner left the relationship. And once again, you people have allowed me to get my thinking back on track!!! I was (and still am!) equally unhealthy as to who I allow in my life, and what actions I am willing to accept. You find so many fantastic qualities in a person, and then have them shattered by drinking. Sucks ass.

minnie

Sure, happens more often than not. But it is not confined to alcoholics - I see it all the time on this board and IRL. No "better" way to feel good after a break up than to get into that heady new romance. Not to mention that the new partner's existence and attention proves your ex was wrong in their break-up reasons. Of course, add addiction into the mix with the necessity for a new enabler, then it surprises me that anyone stays alone for any length of time. Often, the new one is lined up before the old one even knows the break -up is going to happen. I call those the orang-utans - keep ahold of the old branch until the new one is in their grasp.

tollbooth

Oh, you know it, Minnie. Xagf couldnt help but wait to spring the news on me! When I asked her if she blackouts in front of him, falls off barstools, and violently attacks her new beau, she replied that he doesnt make her angry and treats her good!!!

The 'ole reverse play. I'm suprised she also didnt blame her drinking and DWI's on me as well!

hbb

She's just justifying her own bad behavior and making excuses. I too was left by my Xabf for someone else (his exgf) and like the others have said, jumping from relationship to relationship will not work out for them. Mine can't be alone long enough to get healthy.

MTBChick

Amen!! This is exactly what my ex-rabf did. He even admits that this is what he did. You live and learn.

HolyQow

That's probably what she was thinking when she walked away "damn, I forgot to say he caused my drinking too!"

I am looking at the positive side, at least it was 6 months AFTER, and not before. Too many times, I hear of another person involved before the last relationship is over. My AH didn't allow the grass to grow under his feet either, when he left his wife and found me. It's like we had a date, he stayed over night, and never left.

I won't be surprised if (when) we finally divorce, that he will not take too long to find someone else. In fact, I expect that. He made a statement two weeks ago, saying 'that if we ever split up, I am never getting married again'....I always have to look at what he didn't say: "I didn't say I wouldn't live with someone else, mooch off of them for years, and continue to drink myself into oblivion".

tollbooth

Haha, that deserves a LOL!

embraced2000

text book stuff. my xh had to keep his addiction alive, and that meant finding another enabler right away.

i made a vow not to jump into another relationship right away, because i had finally realized how sick i really was and needed a real good long time out.

previously, i quickly jumped right into another relationship in order to "get over the last one".