My peacefulness shortlived - he bought a hunting rifle!
 

I get home from work last night, AH is sitting in the LR recliner (my space, not his) drunk as usual & starts telling me about work, etc. I was trying to ignore him, then he asks me if my BIL (doesn't drink at all) goes out east (they have 2 houses) every weekend. I said "yeah" AH then says "cause I wanted to go to the rifle range w/him. I said "with what gun?" He says really smuggly f***ing w/my mind sort of way "how do you know I didn't buy a gun?" I was like "did you?" AH "You'll never know, you'll never find it." I said "problem is, I have grandkids that stay at this house every week, and while I'm in the shower, I don't want them to find it." He says "they never will." I say "how to do you know they never will?" AH says "I have it hidden" I said "where", then he says "you'll never know if I have it or not" in that same mean, nasty f***ing w/my mind sort of way, and says "it doesn't have bullets" I just lost it again!!!! I started yelling "DO YOU HAVE A GUN OR NOT, STOP F***ING W/ME!!!" and I was just yelling and shaking and losing it cause it's a matter of my grandkids lives. Alcoholics and guns don't mix and God forbid he leaves bullets in it. Besides maybe now there's no bullets, but there will be when he's too drunk to take them out! Then he starts yelling at me, he wants to hunt upstate so he bought himself a gun, it's his right to have one, etc., I said there's no reason on LI to have a gun, to take it upstate and I will never bring the kids up there again. Then I said, "no you know what, I'll go to Family Court tomorrow and I'll mention to them that my husband who is a late stage alcoholic w/some kind of wetbrain going on has just purchased a gun, and we'll let the courts decide how to handle it" Anyway, then he decides to take it to his friend T's house (T doesn't drink at all) so when he left, I called T to confirm, T told me that even though his wife is totally against guns, he felt it safer with the gun w/him than w/AH. He can't stop AH from taking the gun back home tomorrow or whenever, but he said he will call me if that happens to give me warning. My husband hasn't hunted in 25 or more years, only this past 2 years keeps talking about getting a gun. To me, it is frightening. But also, I was so stressed last night, I keep shaking today. Went over my finances again, lawyer friend said if I moved out, I'd still have to pay my portion of the mortgage until house is sold anyway, so I could not afford to do both. Does anyone have any ideas on if I could get him out of the house by way of Family Court? I don't want to do it if it is going to backfire in my face and then I have to deal w/him on a daily basis. Many years ago, my first husband hit me, left bruises, I took him to Family Court and the judge told me "he pays the bills, doesn't he?" When I left court that day, I'll never forget what a fool I felt like w/my XH laughing in my face. Thanks all.

Dang! Its always something new with your AH. I understand your fears about the gun and would be worried too.

As for the obligation to pay your part of the mortgage, yes, its a contract that you are obligated to fulfill. But, people stop paying their mortgages everyday for a variety of reasons. If you don't pay long enough you risk foreclosure but that is the worst that can happen. If your equity in it isn't very high, its an option even if not one you take lightly.

For instance, I have been the only one paying the mortgage for the past 2 years because AH isn't working. Since I left, I have been making the mortgage payments out of the equity line but this won't last much longer. I will be calling the mortgage company and seeing if there is anyway to lower the payments while the house goes up for sale. If not, well, I'll stop making the payements. AH can find a job and pay it or find some other way to make the payments. He doesn't want to sell the house, says he's not ready. Fine, but how does he think the payments are going to be made?

I went thru a bancruptcy and foreclosure 12 years ago. Not a pleasant experience and one I'm not proud of. But it truly was my only option back then. I don't want to lose my current house to foreclosure because there's at least $250K equity in it. I wouldn't allow it to go into foreclosure but I also won't make full payments. I can't afford it.

Its not easy to get him out of the house thru the courts since he is on the deed/mortgage but that can be done sometimes as part of divorce proceedings.

this is scary. guns in the house with the alcohol...

i would not take this lightly at all.

hugs, k

On the subject of guns ... I took four handguns and two rifles out of this house last Sunday. AH was drunk, I knew where the weapons were located, and they are now on their way to a pawn shop or the police station in town. My BIL told me to get all weapons outta here.

Just my suggestion, but he was drunk when he started trying to scare you about the whereabouts of a weapon. If he's drunk tonight, I'd start looking for that gun. Heck, if he hid it while drunk he may have forgotten where he put it himself. On the other hand, there might not even be a weapon and this could be one of his head games.

Weapons and alcohol do NOT mix. It wouldn't hurt to look around to see if you can find something.

sorry (((QT))) - sounds like he is really starting with the mind games and control now. i really feel your fear. it is sad that it does not seem your grandkids are safe anymore in the house with him. i am worried for your safety too.

it is when they sense they are losing control that they become the most dangerous and hurtful.

what are you going to do to protect yourself? i know for myself if ah ever had a gun that would be it for me. i would do whatever i had to to protect my safety and get out.

He did buy a gun, I saw it last night when he brought it to his friend T's house (T called me when AH left his house and told me he had the gun, but he couldn't stop AH if he came today and took it back, but he would call and warn me). So he did buy a gun.

time to get away from him. not a risk worth taking. prayers to you.

In Maryland, handguns must be registered but shotguns do not have to be registered. Thus, I would have no problem removing a shotgun from the home. This happened to me with exAH. He got a "Saturday night special" through a friend who was a detective.

I sat in that house with a crazoid who had an unregistered (thus untraceable) handgun. I saw it sitting in his office on a bookshelf. I moved out of the house within one month of seeing that gun. I also got a restraining order. Scared the heck outta him because he wasn't sure if I'd spill the beans about that gun.

You're at risk and there is the potential for children to be placed at risk. Perhaps you should consider ways to make sure that gun is not in the house with your AH. This sounds like it could turn into a very serious situation. Take action to protect yourself and others.

Anvil, I love how you cut to the chase. But, I simply cannot imagine a lawyer giving advice that would put money ahead of safety or serenity. *taking tounge out of cheek, now* ;)

L

I know, I know, it is time for me to leave. I am going upstate tomorrow w/my grandkids (I have to babysit cause their mom is working) but coming home Sunday cause they have school on Monday. One more night, I hope, of peace. I just wish I knew if Family Court could order him out based on these facts. How keepingmyjoy just found a place is great, I wish I knew someone who could share expenses w/me cause apts. around here are about as much as my mortgage ($1200 up per month!). I truly can't afford that and gas, food, car insurance and car payment (my car is leased, I would lose alot of money turning it in early and have no money for even a hoopdie car). I feel so stuck right now!

My mortgage is $2100 per month (we have a 15 year mortgage). I have really tried to figure this all out, any money people out there???? I would love to buy him out of our house so that my kids and grands always have a place to come to (they all love my house but w/o AH) in lieu of my portion of his 401K, but how could I afford it????

Have you considered looking a craigslist for someone to share living space? People have lots of ads for roomies wanted. I also see ads for housing in there all the time, in fact its where I found a place to live for 2 months after I left AH.

Heck call the local women's shelters/organizations and find out if they have any sort of thing set up to match women in similar situations looking to share a place to live.

Does yor daughter pay you market rate for all the babysitting you do? That might ease the burden a bit.

Hon, please stay safe. And consult an independent legal advisor - there is a great chapter in Anne Katherine's Boundaries book about not mingling roles, especially when it comes to professional advice, whether financial, legal or psychological. Perhaps get a referral from your local shelter?

It doesn't hurt to check out the possibilities for refinancing the mortgage. He of course would have to agree and sign a quit claim to get his name off the deed.

Do you have much equity in the house? If not, as I said somewhere or other, you can walk away and let them foreclose. Not a great option but an option nonetheless.

We actually have a low mortgage amount (like about $135,000) but then we have a home equity line which we used about that much, so I'd have to get out like a $250,000 mortgage just to cover what we have in liability now. We only have about $100,000 in equity in the house. I really got to learn to be a money person, cause I was always the one spending it while he was making it. And no, I don't charge my daughter cause she is a struggling single mom and her rent is $1000 per month, so it's hard for her too. And DEFINITELY NO - I cannot live w/her, my grandkids yes, her NO. She's way tooo difficult and bossy at times (not to mention messy!!!!). No serenity there LOL.

What's your questimate that the house is worth? Take that, subtract the amount owed on the mortgage and equity line, subtract 7% fo the questimate for selling expenses/commissions and you'll have a questimate of how much equity you have. Then divide it in half for your share. Now decide if that amount is worth hanging around.

Alternately, see how much payments would be if you refinance a new $250K loan in a variety of ways. Can you afford that? Would your husband agree to leaving and getting his name off the deed?

Queen :Val004: could not have said it any better than this!

Prayers to you-please think about you and remain safe your too special to us!

Oh brother! Man up and get a job, support yourself. GIVE YOURSELF more options that what you have today.

Hey, hey. what's with the MAN up? Why on earth is everything still measured by MEN?
Oy! How about adult up.

oh: :Val004: