My peacefulness shortlived - he bought a hunting rifle!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by HolyQow 
I do not think one has to leave the house to file for divorce.
queenteree, only you can decide what to do. You have been given a whole lot of suggestions on how you could indeed move out now if you choose to do so. Perhaps a weekend away will allow you to refresh yourself and look at the suggestions here in a new light or bring other ideas to mind. My only furher suggestions is try to be positive in your outlook rather than finding reasons to reject possibilities.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
I just thought I'd throw my 2 cents worth in, seeing as everyone else has.
It's obvious you understand the danger of the gun etc and so on. You will do what you need to do and what you feel is best in the situation at the time.
How fascinating that as soon as you decide to start to get yourself a life ( your previous post where we could hear you smiling in your words), your AH does something that he knows is going to freak you out, and gets the attention back on him. The lengths some people will go to to control someone else really astonish me sometimes.
Please keep your wits about you and do not underestimate him.
It's obvious you understand the danger of the gun etc and so on. You will do what you need to do and what you feel is best in the situation at the time.
How fascinating that as soon as you decide to start to get yourself a life ( your previous post where we could hear you smiling in your words), your AH does something that he knows is going to freak you out, and gets the attention back on him. The lengths some people will go to to control someone else really astonish me sometimes.
Please keep your wits about you and do not underestimate him.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Terri,
(((hugs))) There are good things to come. Just keep your eyes open for opportunities. I would have never guessed that I would be moving and sharing a townhouse with a friend's daughter!
Just a question, since if I recall correctly, you both own the house and you are both on the deed: Why not consult with a mortgage specialist? Go to your own bank and talk with them. See what is available to you to buy him out? Find out if that is a possibility, or if other possibilities exist.
I think I might have a pair of your old shoes that I walked in long ago with the abuse and leaving w/kids etc. The thing I told myself to get where I am today leaving this AH is that I did it before and lived. I can do it again-and live.
Not sure if this is any help, but will share it anyway. A friend of mine said to me when I was sad about leaving my home: "it's just a house. it's just a house." sometimes it helps me to reflect on that when I worry that I will be left with nothing again.
And one last thing. Remember, a drunk waiving around a gun in the house warrants a 911 call. So, call 911 immediately if you feel threatened. His drunkenness and behavior would then be on the record. Be safe.
IMHO, we all get to our bottoms in our own time frames, and we all go through our own private hell to get there. After living with a judgemental A, I will not be like him. You do the best you can Terri. I will not give up on you.
(((hugs))) There are good things to come. Just keep your eyes open for opportunities. I would have never guessed that I would be moving and sharing a townhouse with a friend's daughter!
Just a question, since if I recall correctly, you both own the house and you are both on the deed: Why not consult with a mortgage specialist? Go to your own bank and talk with them. See what is available to you to buy him out? Find out if that is a possibility, or if other possibilities exist.
I think I might have a pair of your old shoes that I walked in long ago with the abuse and leaving w/kids etc. The thing I told myself to get where I am today leaving this AH is that I did it before and lived. I can do it again-and live.
Not sure if this is any help, but will share it anyway. A friend of mine said to me when I was sad about leaving my home: "it's just a house. it's just a house." sometimes it helps me to reflect on that when I worry that I will be left with nothing again.
And one last thing. Remember, a drunk waiving around a gun in the house warrants a 911 call. So, call 911 immediately if you feel threatened. His drunkenness and behavior would then be on the record. Be safe.
IMHO, we all get to our bottoms in our own time frames, and we all go through our own private hell to get there. After living with a judgemental A, I will not be like him. You do the best you can Terri. I will not give up on you.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello QT,
You know my story was somewhat different since it was my AW that took off but let’s get some stuff out here.
I speak from experience, not just mine but of many in Alanon that I have known.
Some is just plain common sense also.
It’s not an insult but a wake up and smell the beer moment that you need, it may save your life…
It does not take a PHI BETA KAPPA to see you are in a bad situation with an unreasonable person.
Bottom line, for your safety and sanity get your butt out of there.
There is more to life then material things and your standard of living, which in time will hit you squarely in the face.
We who have taken control of our own lives know what it is to start over and are better for the journey.
You will be too, the sooner the better.
To damn with that house and the things in it and to damn with the CZAR which rules that dysfunctional Kingdom.
You will always get the same if you keep doing the same and yes, it is your time to get out before quick draw over there is found on the roof of the house with his rifle and no pants on.
As far as your daughter is concerned she is an adult and needs to take care of her own.
You raised your kids and its high time that this generation learns to take care of theirs and not pass the burden to someone else, family or otherwise.
Start that paper trail QT, get moving on your life and remember that all of us do reach out. We all have a different way of doing it.
I believe at this point the knocking down of the walls is needed. All that I have said you already know deep down.
Now get moving and take care of yourself!
You know my story was somewhat different since it was my AW that took off but let’s get some stuff out here.
I speak from experience, not just mine but of many in Alanon that I have known.
Some is just plain common sense also.
It’s not an insult but a wake up and smell the beer moment that you need, it may save your life…
It does not take a PHI BETA KAPPA to see you are in a bad situation with an unreasonable person.
Bottom line, for your safety and sanity get your butt out of there.
There is more to life then material things and your standard of living, which in time will hit you squarely in the face.
We who have taken control of our own lives know what it is to start over and are better for the journey.
You will be too, the sooner the better.
To damn with that house and the things in it and to damn with the CZAR which rules that dysfunctional Kingdom.
You will always get the same if you keep doing the same and yes, it is your time to get out before quick draw over there is found on the roof of the house with his rifle and no pants on.
As far as your daughter is concerned she is an adult and needs to take care of her own.
You raised your kids and its high time that this generation learns to take care of theirs and not pass the burden to someone else, family or otherwise.
Start that paper trail QT, get moving on your life and remember that all of us do reach out. We all have a different way of doing it.
I believe at this point the knocking down of the walls is needed. All that I have said you already know deep down.
Now get moving and take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I am uncertain what is unattractive about:
--Divorcing your psycho husband
--Getting a good and fair settlement, including getting your half in the division of assets
--Having a peaceful and abundant life from doing 1 & 2 above
--Having the possibility in the future, if he stays clean for a long, long, long time, of spending your old age together
There are people here who struggle to put food on the table every week AND cope with alcoholism. It's unrealistic to expect them to respond positively to (seemingly) endless requests for sympathy because you choose to stay in a dangerous and abusive situation for the sole reason that you don't want to give up your accumulated wealth.
But as was pointed out above...you will change if & when you are ready, if & when you feel it's right. If you are willing to trade your happiness for what you see as financial security, and you have pretty much admitted in past posts that's what you're doing, then you need to swallow hard and accept that not everyone is going to be able to be supportive of that. You don't have to give ANY weight to their opinions if you don't want to -- take what you need and leave the rest -- but they are opinions that are spoken because people care what happens to you.
You're a smart, funny, strong woman, Terri. I hope that you're able to take a deep breath and do what you need to get away from this chaos before it kills you. Remember your night out? There's a hundred times more joy out there waiting for you if you are willing to take a chance to reach for it.
Hugs,
GL
--Divorcing your psycho husband
--Getting a good and fair settlement, including getting your half in the division of assets
--Having a peaceful and abundant life from doing 1 & 2 above
--Having the possibility in the future, if he stays clean for a long, long, long time, of spending your old age together
There are people here who struggle to put food on the table every week AND cope with alcoholism. It's unrealistic to expect them to respond positively to (seemingly) endless requests for sympathy because you choose to stay in a dangerous and abusive situation for the sole reason that you don't want to give up your accumulated wealth.
But as was pointed out above...you will change if & when you are ready, if & when you feel it's right. If you are willing to trade your happiness for what you see as financial security, and you have pretty much admitted in past posts that's what you're doing, then you need to swallow hard and accept that not everyone is going to be able to be supportive of that. You don't have to give ANY weight to their opinions if you don't want to -- take what you need and leave the rest -- but they are opinions that are spoken because people care what happens to you.
You're a smart, funny, strong woman, Terri. I hope that you're able to take a deep breath and do what you need to get away from this chaos before it kills you. Remember your night out? There's a hundred times more joy out there waiting for you if you are willing to take a chance to reach for it.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
That "he bought a gun and is playing with my mind" post makes my intuition scream. What's the best way to beat a man play a game? Don't play the game. If you are not there, there's nobody to play with. What happens if you just walk away from it all? Spouses do it all the time and leave the other person to pick up the pieces! Are you thinking it will wreck your credit? Well, if he doesn't pay the mortgage, it will wreck his credit too. I guess (and I'm not in your shoes, so it's easy and not fair to throw advice), but I would get out of there, go to a woman's shelter or a friend's house or even live in the daughter's basement for a while with the door locked.
I just hate to see so many "I can'ts" or "that won't work" statements in your post. There has to be SOMETHING you can do, even if it's get a free consultation with a divorce attorney. This has gone on too long and it's only getting worse.
I just hate to see so many "I can'ts" or "that won't work" statements in your post. There has to be SOMETHING you can do, even if it's get a free consultation with a divorce attorney. This has gone on too long and it's only getting worse.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Get a restraining order already. That gets him out of the house. Effin A, lie if you have to.
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/..._About_It.html
Watch the video - alky husband shoots wife and calls 911 to brag about it. Want your death to be on the news briefly and then forgotten? It's now posted on a "humor" website. Is that how you want it all to end?
Here;s a fuller version with full vid embedded:
http://www.khou.com/news/state/stori...e.25bca05.html
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/..._About_It.html
Watch the video - alky husband shoots wife and calls 911 to brag about it. Want your death to be on the news briefly and then forgotten? It's now posted on a "humor" website. Is that how you want it all to end?
Here;s a fuller version with full vid embedded:
http://www.khou.com/news/state/stori...e.25bca05.html
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