My peacefulness shortlived - he bought a hunting rifle!

Old 10-26-2007, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
What I meant was that AH was always in charge of the money (remember, he was sober for over 14 years and WAS a very good manager of money). I never had to worry about it cause all our bills were taken care of.
Okay, so that's the way it was. It's not the way it is now. What are you going to do about the way it is now?

Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
I have to help my daughter, who is a single mom with no child support from her XAH, take care of her kids at night, after my full time job, while she works to support her family!
You don't have to, you choose to. It is unhealthy to give to others what we don't have. Why not consider taking care of YOU and waiting to see if there is anything left over to give to others?

L
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:20 PM
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sorry, that was a hot button for me. Long story.
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:22 PM
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LTD - She is my daughter, yes, she is an adult, but there is no way she can afford child care for two kids at $200 or more each kid per week. She does not qualify for child care stipend - she already tried, applied and was turned down. I help her out in babysitting only and if I am the only family she has to help her, there is no other choice in the matter.
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
there is no other choice in the matter.
There's always choices. I wish I had a martyr, errrr mother, to watch my kids when they were younger. Would've made my life a lot easier.....................

L
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:29 PM
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LTD - I don't consider it playing martyr and I don't think I am a martyr, I am a mother and grandmother, and a loving one at that, and if I could help any of my children or grandchildren, I would. It is a shame you didn't have a mother like that, neither did I.
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:32 PM
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Being a loving mother and grandmother does not make one a martyr. Using it as an excuse to stay stuck in dangerous circumstances does.
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:44 PM
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I am, by no means, using it to stay stuck in a dangerous circumstance. My kids and grandkids being at my house at times with all this is what is making me know I must take action. I only brought up my daughter and her kids in response to Jazzman's post about "manning up" and why I couldn't work a second job. That is it. I'm not looking for an excuse to stay by any means!!!! I need to go and I know that, it's just a matter of how and when!!!!
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:45 PM
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Im afraid I agree with LTD on this.
Sacrificing ones own safety and sanity in the name of being there for someone else..thats pretty much being a martyr. Giving up your own life for someone elses...yep still a martyr, from where Im sitting.

I used to do lots of this stuff. I did it because I didnt want to leave. I loved him, wanted to look through rose colored glasses, but wanted attention and wanted someone to say, "OMG! Your life is SOOO hard! I feel SOOO bad for you!"

I don't understand for the life of me why anyone would stay in the situation you have described. I have been a battered woman, Ive been in an abusive relationship and I know what it does to a person. I left, millions of women leave, and stop making excuses for their abuser and themselves.

Bottom line here in my opinion. You dont want to leave.
So dont. What will you do to stop spinning your wheels and thriving on the drama?
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Old 10-26-2007, 01:53 PM
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I guess all of you on here are entitled to your opinions, since I did ask for them, but I guess none of you know me. All of my friends and family know that I DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT thrive on drama. I absolutely HATE DRAMA. I am here to vent, maybe get suggestions on how to leave, get him out of the house, etc. If I loved drama, I wouldn't be here. So I guess in essence, I will find another support forum that offers support, not insults and put downs, from people who may have walked in my shoes with an A in their lives, but do not know me personally and are not therapists.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:00 PM
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Who will look after the kids if he uses the rifle on you? If you were gone tomorrow, would your daughter find a way to make things work?
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
I am here to vent, maybe get suggestions on how to leave, get him out of the house, etc.
You've gotten all of that here--for many, many months. Lots of times on this forum people told me things I didn't want to hear. Or, more correctly, wasn't ready to hear. I almost never heard the answers I wanted. It's been a very long, hard road, but I'm glad I stuck around. And, much as I hated to admit it, the very people who got me the most riled up were right all along. None of us can do anything until we're ready. Until we hit our bottom. I'm really hoping you hit yours before more harm comes to you.

(((QT)))

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Old 10-26-2007, 02:02 PM
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QT, there are have been many posters who have come and gone from these forums over the time I have been here. Some have left because they have moved on to a new phase in their recovery, some have gone to get their heads patted elsewhere, some have felt a better fit on other boards. Others, though, I have cause to worry about because they are the ones that were living in violent, or potentially violent situations. We never hear from them again and we have no way of knowing if they are even still alive. And I am guessing that some of them may not be.

I would have liked to have got to know you, QT, however I am left feeling that I know your husband better. I hope you are able to find the strength and support to achieve a peaceful life.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
I am here to vent, maybe get suggestions on how to leave, get him out of the house, etc..
Ok then... I was in a pickle. I wanted M to leave and I had no choice but to wait her out. The only way I could get the ball rolling was to file for divorce because efforts to negotiate were... well, waisted on a person active in addiction. Filing for divorce started the clock that even M could not ignore.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:05 PM
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QT,
This thread started off so well, then went into the dumpster. Please don't leave just because of a few comments. I truly believe everyone is just worried about your safety.

Breathe.....
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:11 PM
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I am ready to make a move, maybe get an order of protection to get him out of the house, I am going upstate w/my grandkids for the weekend (without him!!!!) so I am removing myself from all this. I can take critism, I truly can, and I like a kick in a**, I need that sometimes, but I just really hate it when people say I love chaos and drama. As I said before, I lived 14 drama free years and was blissfully happy. I feel like my life keeps getting worse and worse, my eyes keep twitching, my blood pressure is up, I have an inflammed sternum from stress, and if anyone thinks for one minute I like feeling this way, they do not know me. And by the way, my first husband who I married at 18 was an abuser, I lived in roach infested motel with my 2 year old son and 4 month old premie daughter for 9 months to get away from him, so it's not like I just love abuse. But because of all I went thru w/XH, I don't want to bite off my nose to spite my face. That's it. I respect all of your opinions, that drama thing is just a big trigger for me. Sorry.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:12 PM
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Love you, QT
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:16 PM
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filing for divorce.

I do not think one has to leave the house to file for divorce. My best friend just got divorced, and her husband stayed up until a few months before divorce was final. That may be another option to consider...and can even ask that no firearms be permitted in the home during that time. Almost anything can be written into a separation agreement.

For the money part, if you cannot afford to buy 'his half' of the house, the judge will most likely order it to be sold. Take into consideration for things like his pension....your half of that can be subtracted from the price of his half of the house (which means you would not have to borrow quite so much). You have also been married a long time, and alamony is a possibility. I have to agree that your lawyer friend is not helping you much. Put a retainer on a credit card if you have to, and see if you can get better advice.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:20 PM
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Have you at least tried brainstorming all of the options available to you, no matter how seemingly outlandish. The, actually thinking about them with a sense of possibility, rather than dismissing them at first glance.

Shall I start you off?

Get another job
Get a better paying job
Get a credit card to pay the attorney
House share
Get a job where the room is included
Live in your other house
Report your husband to the police re the gun so you have a paper trail
Let the house go to foreclosure

Or are you, as you have mentioned before, waiting for his liver to finally pack up, or perhaps for him to use the gun on himself so that all the financial problems will be resolved? Because I really can't believe that if you didn't want to go, you wouldn't have done it already. Despite what you seem to believe, you are in a better position than most on here. You have a job and no dependents. And no, your grandkids aren't YOUR dependents, they have a mother.

My sense of entitlement kept me stuck for a long time. I hope yours doesn't do the same. And don't forget, the things we get most angry about are usually those that we need to take a real good look at, because our subconscious is giving us a big hint.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:27 PM
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I made a decision to not be "house poor." There are some excellent books out there for people going through divorce. I read some great advice about not exchanging everything liquid to keep the house, an emotional attachment. Then I set about doing the work to remove my emotional attachment to it. Yes, I'm still in it, but it's on the market and I'm looking forward to the day I start anew. Every single place I have lived, from the tiniest studio to where I am today, I created the joy I lived in. I will create that joy wherever I go. It isn't the house that made the memories, it is me.
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Old 10-26-2007, 02:29 PM
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One other thing to think about. Most of the stories I have heard on this board and in person go from bad to worse. All aspects, including financial. If you wait long enough, there may be nothing left to split. (I say this regarding your reference to the home equity) Alcoholics have a way of burning through money. Sometimes it makes sense to cut your losses because if it's bad now, it will likely be a lot worse down the road.

L
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