mnt10barbie

hi everyone, i am new to this and boy am i glad i found you!!! here's my predicament - my husband has a drinking problem, we have a beautiful 6 yr old daughter. When she was born, he drank all the time (went out to work in the garage and came in late at night bombed). When he gets drunk he blunders around the house not knowing what he is doing, i've cleaned spit off the carpets, hardwood floors, etc... I finally said I was done when she was about 3 (yes, i did turn to someone else because he would never listen to me) i explained what happened and told him i can no longer take it (i even caught him one nite getting ready to pee in the babies crib) He didn't shower, brush his teeth, he was yellow and disgusting!! He slowed down for about 3 years (quit for about 2 months) to work out our marriage - now he's back into it again!!! running around with the neighbor always concerned about what i'm doing because of what happened a few years ago.
he wants so badly for me to stay here with him and claims he'll slow down again - heres the hing though: I haven't felt the same about him since we had our daughter - i care for him and dont want him to be hurt but i don't love him - is it possible to love him again?? it's been so long since i've felt love for him - any opinions would be greatly appreciated
thanks

tollbooth

Quick story. A friend the other night relayed something to me regarding an alcoholic acquaintence. During a recent camping trip last month, the guy got so hammered that he woke up and proceeded to urinate into the sink of a another guys brand-new camping trailer! When they started to scream at the A, he replied "Dont worry, I've got a handle on this."

When he woke up the next morning, he explained to all present that he had a "sleep-walking problem" and that was why he did it! Yeah, a sleep-walking problem

Anyways, I would have a problem liking, let alone loving, someone who didnt take care of their physical hygiene.

Barbara52

Welcome mnt10barbie.

Sounds like you have your hands full with 2 children in your life you are cleaning up after.

Is it possible to love him again? Only you can know that. My question would be do you want to? Do you want to have a life with this man? Do you want him to be the example for your child of what a man and a father should be? Are you happy living with someone you have to clean up after? Does he admit to alcoholism and is he in a recovery program?

Personally, someone who almost took a **** on my child would be a behavior I could not tolerate. How disgusting!

duet_4-8

Speaking from the other side of a 25-year marriage to an abusive, addicted man, who I felt the same way (didn't want to hurt him but didn't love him) about for the final 11 years of that marriage, my advice to you is to put some physical and emotional distance between you for several weeks and then see if you really want to love him again.

By staying with my ex and denying the reality of the situation and my own truth, I lost myself and my children paid the price. Just my ESH. Take what you need and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

Take care of you and your child...you are both worth it!!!

hopeangel

"my advice to you is to put some physical and emotional distance between you for several weeks and then see if you really want to love him again. "

i have to tell you that this is the only thing that has allowed me to see things clearly. i was amazed at the reality of my situation and relationship when i allowed myself the distance to look at it from a non-emotional point of view and strickly became an observer of the actions. ]

oh, in the process i was able to figure out what i really want myself and found my own identity

good advice!

CBrown

Barbie, I don't know if you can love again or not. I can point at several things that were nails in the coffin when it came to my love for my XABF.

* R to my 19 yo daughter after she knocked on our door "I was trying to have sex with your mother."
* Vacationing with the XABF and living with a week of verbal abuse.
* Finding out his "secret life of sick misdeeds" after said vacation.

At the end of the trip, I found myself pulling away from him when he would try to touch me, even casually. From past experience, I knew that was the end of it for me. And one it's over, it's generally permanently over. I feel nothing for him other than pity, and a hope that he'll seek recovery some day.

queenteree

I don't know if you could ever love him again, but I have been w/my AH for over 23 or so years, and after the first 3 years w/him, I left him and didn't think I could/would get back w/him and love him again. But he went to rehab/sobered up and remained sober and a wonderful husband for about 14 years. Then he relapsed for 5 straight years, each year worse and worse. He doesn't go out and drink at bars (he drinks at work and on his way home, drunk when he gets home), I don't think he cheats (he's always working, fishing (truly, I've checked) or home), but he's turned into a liar (about his drinking) and a nasty drunk who would much prefer to just drink for months on end and sleep upstairs w/mostly no contact w/me till he's read to stop for a week or so, then he loves me and wants to be w/me and "work it out". He pulls out all the stops, each time I thought he meant it, but I was cautious. He went to rehab in May, I told him then that I loved him but I was not "in love" w/him and that I didn't think I could get it back. He promised me he would do whatever it took to get that back, and he did. I had a perfect, good, kind, gentle, loving husband for 3 months and I did fall back in love w/him. He has been on a bender/tear ever since and has now pushed me away so far, that for the most part, I don't even think I love him (I do care for him though). So I think yes, you can get it back, but if someone keeps screwing up over and over, I think after a while it does just go, never to return, which is really really sad. My best to you.
Terri

mnt10barbie

thanks so much to everyone - it helps to know you are not alone - i thought i was the only one - he won't let me have any space to think things through. he flips out if i say i want to go away for awhile and my daughter has to go to school and we have no family around here - i feel so trapped - everyone makes me feel bad for my feelings - he is a nice guy, big heart but party animal and nobody sees what happens at home - i feel like the bad person - i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders to fix this problem and fall back in love with him - i have considered staying until my daughter (6) gets older - she gets so mad at me for being upset with him, he says things like "oh honey, mommy is just mad at daddy again" she is so use to seeing him this way that its normal!! i don't want to put him down to her because he is her dad - if i left it would kill her!! thanks everyone for all your posts, its amazing how much better u all made me feel - as of right now, he said he will cut down/quit, i'm sure only to fall off again - i feel guilty for feeling how i do but i can't change it, i'm just glad i found this place to vent and tell my true feelings - i do feel better!!!

minnie

Hon, you cannot give a 6 year old's short term reaction priority over what is best in the long run. You have a responsibility as a parent to do what is right.

Have you read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-yourself.html or checked out the Adult Children's board? Perhaps understanding the likely effects of being raised in an alcoholic household might help.

As for loving him again, who knows? What did you love about him in the first place? What did you both do to work on the marriage when he "slowed down" for 3 years?

I would urge you to consider al-anon and counselling for yourself in the first instance, to make some sense of how you feel at the moment. Things get a lot clearer once we have more knowledge.

DESIGNER

This is very true. Yes you love him but how much do you love yourself? I have loved my abf for sooo long and have done everything in my power to help him but there comes a point in your life where you have to love yourself more and turn the emotions off and look at the reality of the relationship. If you are anything like me and everyone else here you probably just want a life of love and happiness without worrying that your spouse will pee in your childs crib.....What is that???? Wow when I read that i pictured myself 10 yrs down the road and that happening. It hit home because I woke up last week to the bf peeing in the trash can in the kitchen at 10:00a.m!!!!! You have to take a step back and follow your dreams of what you want. For me that is a healthy happy relationship where we both take care of each other!! I am SICK AND TIRED of always taking care of him.....he is 28 yrs old.

Also as most of you this morning can probably tell......I woke up today and I am done with dealing with this(and I believe that it is real this time) I feel so strong right now. Please pray that I remain this way. It feels really good to take your life back and let them be.:*****

Barbara52

This is what your daughter is learning is normal in a relationship. She is also learning that alcoholism is normal. Ask yourself if you want you daughter learning these lessons real well over the next few years.

I'm 52 and still unlearning those lessons from growing up in a household with 2 alcoholic parents.