tinkerbellkj

My boyfriend had a pretty bad drinking problem and it forced us to break up. During that time he has revaluated himself, and started to slow down his consumption. It wasn't great, but still it was something. Over the last couple weeks he has slown down significantly, and then a week ago he stopped completely and hasn't touched it since. I realize the road to recovery is a long, long, long rocky one (I'm afraid a little more than he realizes it) and that he's got a long way to go. Still he hasn't gone this long without a drink in years, and I am extremely proud of him. I have been there with him through all the hell, including the hells of withdrawal, and slowly he has gotten a lot healthier. Physically he feels a lot better, working on a normal schedule, etc. But here comes my problem. Since he stopped drinking he has become increasing distant both physically and emotionally. He doesn't seem to want any affection and I just feel like he's drifting away. It's almost as though I don't know him without his alcoholism, his counterpart. But, I suppose he barely does, either. Has this happened to anyone else? Is this normal? Will we ever get to be together without the third "person" in the relationship or are we destined for failure? I have been extremely supportive, not complaining about his lack of affection and attention, because this is about him and I am so so proud of him and am willing to give him whatever space his recovery requires. It just sucks. Thanks for reading the rant, I know I sound selfish. I'm just confused, though! Thanks again, any feedback would be good.

Barbara52

Welcome,

Although he has stopped drinking, I don't see that he is in any sort of recovery program. Without that, he's chances of succeeding shrink.

Now, what are you going to do for yourself? Have you done any reading or gone to Alanon.

ARealLady

Hi, tinker, and welcome to SR. It's a wonderful forum where you will find excellent advice and much compassion. I can highly recommend the board where the As post most frequently because it will confirm what Barbara said about the importance of working a program in order to up your BF's chances of success at staying sober.

I broke up with XABF about three months ago but left him an opening....get to AA and work the programme for at least a year...and then we'll see. I don't think he has followed through which, though it has hurt me to the core, is not MY problem. In that sense, I am giving him the "space" he needs to recover but that was what worked best for me.

Read!! Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie is a book you will return to again and again as part of your program.

ARL

aspiring

HI Tinkerbell. I can only relate my experience. My AH became sober and withdrew also. No affection of any sort, no intimacy. Like you I initially let it be. After 6 months we talked and he said he had to focus on him, he'd work on us later. As the good doormat I had becaome, I readily 'understood'. I was so used to life always being about him and his needs. At the 1 year mark, the pain of his daily rejection started to eat at me. Again we had a serious talk and lo and behold I got the I love you but am not in love with you line. It was a dagger to my heart. Enduring so much pain finally brought me to the point of I knew I needed to help myself and started attending Alanon. Three months ago, with what progress i have made I realized I could not for myself live like this. he agreed to marriage counseling to my face while telling others he was doing it to shut me up. needless to say at the 3rd counseling session the counselor told us to split up. I should say throughout this whole time.. 2 years the A has not worked any steps any program. He attends AA several times a week and always did, he stated he would never work step 4 if he did work the steps. I could make all kinds of assumptions about why.. but really that is his issue so I don't dwell on it.
We have been separated 5 weeks and there is no hope of reconciliation. He gambled away everything while drinking, lost his job and only recently took one with a decent wage. I am soc. sec disabled. Realtor is coming by with an offer on the house today. I have nothing material wise, so has been very frightening and overwheming at times... that being said... nothing.... nothing compares to the peace I have mentally now. My daily roller coaster of daily life with him is over. He is a dry drunk, the majority of the alcoholic behaviors continue, especially the lying.
It took a long painful time to realize, I deserve and owe myself more than to be his room mate. I am worthy of love should it come along. (Goodness knows I hope it doesn't for a while, I have too much work to do on me yet !! lol)
I guess I would say... be mindful of if he is actually working the steps and get to counseling to address his withdrawal from you before too much time goes by.

aspiring

CBrown

Tinkerbell, I had the same experience back in '04 when my XABF went through detox (but no recovery afterward).

While drinking heavily, R had three states. In the morning when just starting drinking for the day, he was nice, sharp witted, intelligent. By evening, he was sloshed, very affectionate, loving. There was a third, ugly state, though, that came around usually if someone told him "no" to anything, or he took offense to anything. That personality came out out of the blue, was infrequent, and by the end of our relationship, was constantly present.

Then he went through detox. When sober, R was no longer affectionate, said he needed time to recover and couldn't be in a relationship, was extremely sharp witted and his quick intelligence came back. I found it hard to keep up with him mentally; he's a Mensa member. He quickly relapsed, tried hiding it, but I knew what was going on. Before long, he found someone else to play with, and I was out of the picture. Of course, I got recycled into his life in late '06, and at that stage he had given up on sobriety altogether and moved to end-stage, but that's another story.

So yes, when they're sober, I've heard and have seen that they can be a totally different person to learn about. There doesn't seem to be much success, though, in being a "dry drunk." They simply HAVE to get in a program of recovery of some sort. I hope he can come to that realization, TB!