People change...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I'll give this thread a spin, coming from both sides of fence. I'm a recovering alcoholic; sober 14 years with no slips. I'm also a recovering codependent, currently detoxing from a 10-year enabling bender of spectacular proportions with my 2nd (alcoholic) husband. They and I (IMHO) are/were wonderful, multifaceted humans with hopes, dreams, "potential", and a myriad of hideous addiction-related behaviors and problems. Codependency is a progressive, cunning, baffling, etc disease every bit as powerful and devastating to the person carrying it as alcoholism. As Melody B. has said, "People die from codependency every day". Being in the "throes" of active enabling really isn't any more of a sickness as active drinking. It's still sick. I have so much more to say here, but I'm at work. Reading the posts in this thread (especially this thread) gives me a great deal of hope that there are other people who think, speak, and heal just like me. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all better, through my current crisis and beyond. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Just another quick thought on change in relationships.
Isn't it sometimes the case that is US who change, whilst our partners stay the same? This goes for relationships where drink or drugs are not involved as well. One party grows, develops, takes on new responsibilities, modifies their outlook, furthers their career, wants to do new things, whilst the other just carries on doing exactly what they always did.
I seem to recall an old joke along the lines of - women marry hoping they can change their partner and men marry hoping their partner won't change. Sexist, undoubtedly, however I have observed that there is a kernel of truth in there in some circumstances.
I was able to release a large part of my anger when I realised that my ex was just doing what he always did. That I ignored the extent of the issues at hand and that I started wanting more was at MY door, not his.
Isn't it sometimes the case that is US who change, whilst our partners stay the same? This goes for relationships where drink or drugs are not involved as well. One party grows, develops, takes on new responsibilities, modifies their outlook, furthers their career, wants to do new things, whilst the other just carries on doing exactly what they always did.
I seem to recall an old joke along the lines of - women marry hoping they can change their partner and men marry hoping their partner won't change. Sexist, undoubtedly, however I have observed that there is a kernel of truth in there in some circumstances.
I was able to release a large part of my anger when I realised that my ex was just doing what he always did. That I ignored the extent of the issues at hand and that I started wanting more was at MY door, not his.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I think life changes wheather I like it or not.
I struggle with changes myself so i have a little bit more patient.
While i don't assume or want things to be the same and knows
it can't ever be the same again.
Very true about blaming the disease and not the person got me into
a jam. I belive it's the way i am or there's that inherate trait that i havn't
changed. While i don't dream of my patner ever being the same or
wish for things to be like it was. I have hope of things getting better.
Never the less it gets me to the same place...I'm not totally in the what
is. Kind of like having faults hope. My hope is true and that's how I truely
feel. It's just so wierd and complicated sometimes.
I'm always at odds with my own happiness, that's somethings that
hasn't changed for me. I like to changed this. Man... do i need work.
I'm getting better thou becuase i don't beat up on myself anymore,
that's something that profoundly changed for me over the years.
I've learned to love myself over the years and that was a great change for me.
okay...it's treating myself like I love myself that i need to work on, today.
I struggle with changes myself so i have a little bit more patient.
While i don't assume or want things to be the same and knows
it can't ever be the same again.
Very true about blaming the disease and not the person got me into
a jam. I belive it's the way i am or there's that inherate trait that i havn't
changed. While i don't dream of my patner ever being the same or
wish for things to be like it was. I have hope of things getting better.
Never the less it gets me to the same place...I'm not totally in the what
is. Kind of like having faults hope. My hope is true and that's how I truely
feel. It's just so wierd and complicated sometimes.
I'm always at odds with my own happiness, that's somethings that
hasn't changed for me. I like to changed this. Man... do i need work.
I'm getting better thou becuase i don't beat up on myself anymore,
that's something that profoundly changed for me over the years.
I've learned to love myself over the years and that was a great change for me.
okay...it's treating myself like I love myself that i need to work on, today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by SaTiT 
I'm always at odds with my own happiness
Thanks Satit,
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Auburn, MA
Posts: 14
Minnie, I love your quote...
For me, my husband has been in recovery for 3 years. When I first married him he was insecure, he was a doormat, and was incapable of emotion. That's why he drank. I was controlling of him because that was the way I was at the time. Since my husband has gone through his rock bottom, literally death and back, he has become self-assured, confident, responsible. I believe he is NOW truly the man that he really is. He's excelling in an amazing job and he's so happy and caring. But he now is the man of the house and will stand up to me. We got married so young and now we have both matured after going through this hell of addiction, separation, etc. I am so proud of the man he is now. Some say that they drink because they are trying to heal themselves of something from their past. Now that he has gone through proper couselling, etc he has really dealt with those issues that plagued him and has blossomed into a man that is healthy physically and mentally and is proud of who he is. Extremely interesting topic though, thank you!
For me, my husband has been in recovery for 3 years. When I first married him he was insecure, he was a doormat, and was incapable of emotion. That's why he drank. I was controlling of him because that was the way I was at the time. Since my husband has gone through his rock bottom, literally death and back, he has become self-assured, confident, responsible. I believe he is NOW truly the man that he really is. He's excelling in an amazing job and he's so happy and caring. But he now is the man of the house and will stand up to me. We got married so young and now we have both matured after going through this hell of addiction, separation, etc. I am so proud of the man he is now. Some say that they drink because they are trying to heal themselves of something from their past. Now that he has gone through proper couselling, etc he has really dealt with those issues that plagued him and has blossomed into a man that is healthy physically and mentally and is proud of who he is. Extremely interesting topic though, thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I really like this post as well. I used to think that one day I would be the wife at Al Anon who would be able to talk about her husband's recovery. I really like to succeed about things and talk about my success. I have come to the realization that I can only be responsible for myself and I have to be true to myself and how I feel.
I have learned to be more careful about who I tell--mostly close family and friends who know me and my AH. I just felt that when I tried to tell some other married women that they stopped caring about my dreams (like having a child) and labeled my marriage as a mistake. The truth is that those married women do not really know what it is really like to have an alcoholic husband, or it was more a reflection on their own character. (Sometimes, I would tell my AH, "Can we just be normal for 1 day?--too much drama--too much good candidate for Dr Phil)
I have come to realize that my dreams are so important just to be happy in life. It felt like in my marriage that I could not realize my dreams until my husband got sober or once my husband found another job.
I have felt better now that I am separated from him for the time being. The verbal abuse was difficult, but I survived it. I like going to sleep in a quiet environment.
I realize how important it is to give things to God. My confidence has to come from God.
I have learned to be more careful about who I tell--mostly close family and friends who know me and my AH. I just felt that when I tried to tell some other married women that they stopped caring about my dreams (like having a child) and labeled my marriage as a mistake. The truth is that those married women do not really know what it is really like to have an alcoholic husband, or it was more a reflection on their own character. (Sometimes, I would tell my AH, "Can we just be normal for 1 day?--too much drama--too much good candidate for Dr Phil)
I have come to realize that my dreams are so important just to be happy in life. It felt like in my marriage that I could not realize my dreams until my husband got sober or once my husband found another job.
I have felt better now that I am separated from him for the time being. The verbal abuse was difficult, but I survived it. I like going to sleep in a quiet environment.
I realize how important it is to give things to God. My confidence has to come from God.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Look at the brain - the active user's brain has been chemically changed - and especially in that part that deals with morals, relationships, maturity - etc. And like a stroke victim, that brain continues to be damaged even into sobriety and gets better only as the addict practices "living life on life's terms."
If the stroke victim goes home with no rehab, does he/she get better just by "existing?" I don't think so. Neither does the addict. And maybe the damage done by the drugs/alcohol is permanent - it would be nice if we would do CT and PET scans on every addict at intervals - in active use and in recovery - I think that would go a long way for all of us to see the reality of the problem.
Sue
If the stroke victim goes home with no rehab, does he/she get better just by "existing?" I don't think so. Neither does the addict. And maybe the damage done by the drugs/alcohol is permanent - it would be nice if we would do CT and PET scans on every addict at intervals - in active use and in recovery - I think that would go a long way for all of us to see the reality of the problem.
Sue
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
