thelightdawns

IMO... perception is reality.
We make our own reality by the way we perceive things/situations.
Quite empowering when you think about it like that, i think.
And only you know the answer.

Pick-a-name

I've had the blame and also been included with the same family in family functions since the separation and divorce! ha 30yrs and also some of us (SIL and 2 BILs) were friends in college,too so none of us are really sure about things at this point. (Only BIL's wife of the past few years wants me "out" ,but she seems to be an active A,so there you go!) I am sure when another woman comes into the picture who ex will not deny exists,that I will be cut off from my former inlaws. (MIL is dead and FIL just went into a nursing home). (Right now exAH includes me with them,and kids have a lot of issues with their dad,too.) Like I have said before...odd,odd,odd.....ha

embraced2000

to the original question that pepperpod asked....is there anything good about being married to an a?

i can think of two things that were good. i learned that i was capable of love again. it may have been distorted and somewhat twisted, but i fell deeply in love with him. which leads me to the second good thing.

and that was that the experience with my xh led me to seek recovery from my own issues.

so, yes, i experienced two real good things from being married to an alcoholic. i will be grateful for that and continue to pray for his recovery and mine.

hmbld

I would say, for me, that being married to an A forced me to grow and come to know myself a whole lot better. I honestly don't think I'd be the person I am now, without experiencing what I have.

This will really sound insane, but at times I feel that my trials and tribulations were meant to be. Meant to open my eyes and change me (for the better), and not so much in the way that you all may think. Prior to my husband turning into a raging alcoholic, I was pretty arrogant, and the world was black and white. My 1st husband's was not an alcoholic, but his father and brother in-law were raging alcoholics. I thought and said some pretty horrible things with regards to his mother and his sister staying married to these men. I felt that they were weak, pathetic women.

Husband #2 (the current husband) evolved in to a raging alcoholic (he's in recovery at this point and time). He did not drink when we met, so it's not like I was attracted to an alcoholic, it was a slow progressive deal. Like the analogy of putting a toad into a pot of cold water and bringing it to a boil vs just throwing the toad into the boiling water. Well I'm that toad, and have now walked in those weak, pathetic women's shoes.

That is just one example of being humbled and growing as a human being, and it is probably not even what you are referring to when asking about the positives, but so that is the best I could come up with as far as the positives. The actual living with an alcoholic had no positives. None whatsoever. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

pepperpod

All of you have given me food for thought. I would like to share with you some of my ruminations and soul searching since I decide to 'come out' as the wife of an A. I explained to him 2 days ago how frustrated I was and how I felt very alone in our relationship of late. He did not drink for 1 whole day and I fell so back in love with him all over again. It was wonderful and I suppose deep down I did not think that it was possible for me to feel that way again. I went to the office yesterday, and got a couple of cheerful, sweet emails from H. I was looking forward to returning to our home and our life in the evening. He came up with a totally "off-the-wall" statement and idea about something near and dear to my heart. At that point, I just stared at him. He said "what"?! I asked if he was drunk - he said no, but I have been drinking. I knew then that there would be no logical conversation about anything - be it the sun or the moon. He said "I am not feeling your love". I explained to him some feelings that I was experiencing and he bolted for the garage. Upon his return, I commented on how he had rather run than face examination of mine/his/our problems. We did discuss how his problems were changing and how he seemed to feel I had something to do with it. I explained that I took no ownership in his individual choices --- one paragraph of conversation led to another and he said he thought we were finished. I said "I agree" (no children involved). He said "I will leave tomorrow". I said, "no, now". He said, "I can't drive anywhere, I have had too much to drink". I offered to call a cab. He started back-peddling and said, "please lets give it a try...I am in deep trouble with the bottle...I know, but I do not want help". I told him that I was not a professional, that I could not cure him, nor control his personal choices that he was on his own; HOWEVER, I would stand by his side as I had promised before God and to myself. I assured him that I would not bail on him, but told him that he was never to show less than respect for me, he was to honor me and uphold his commitments and responsibilities...otherwise, we had a deal-breaker. I also explained that since the latest 'kicks in the stomach', I would need to take care of myself which might mean doing things with my lady friends, lunches, dinners or even day trips and I need to be back in the middle of life and I needed some healing time. He said he understood and supported me in that effort.

When I left this morning, he was still asleep. I did not wake him. As far as I am concerned, I feel that the ball is in his court at the moment. But it hurts because I love at least one personality of my husband very much. As for the other - which I will define as the AH, I deplore him at the moment.

Gosh, I am so struggling. I need a little support in this latest effort. I do not want to be his babysitter anymore.

mallowcup

At the end of our life, that life will have been the sum of our own choices. Sometimes we cling to an unblessed marriage as if to honor something or someone when in fact, we have wasted a lifetime making a mockery of a holy institution. Staying or going is a very individual decision.
You said that, "When I left this morning he was still asleep".
How about this to consider, "When I left this morning, I never looked back".
"When I left this morning, I stepped over the line leaving my past to embrace my future".
There are two very big blessing in your sentence. 1. You woke up. 2. You were able to leave. Those are really the only two tools you need.

denny57

You told him you were leaving. He said he loved you and begged you to make it work. You stayed. If the situation were reversed, what lesson would have been learned? That my words mean nothing.

There was a time I thought the threat of leaving would result in his sobriety. It didn't work.

Good luck with everything; it isn't easy.

Jazzman

What she said....

LaTeeDa

Well, that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? He knows he is in deep trouble but doesn't want help? So, in other words, when he says let's give it a try, what he's really saying is let me try to convince you to live with it.

I see the ball as being in your court, not his. If you are unhappy with him the way he is, and he is unwilling to change, that pretty much leaves it to you to change. I know some will construe that as me telling you to leave, but I'm not. You have to decide what needs changing--about your life, not his--in order for you to be happy.

L

Janitw

I couldn't agree more with Jazz...to stay or to go is such a personal choice....

MsPINKAcres

((pepperpod))

just wanted to send a ((hug)) out to you,

Keep taking good care of YOU - you deserve it.

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita

pepperpod

LTD, you are right --- I think he is wanting me to be more tolerant of his choices. Not sure what I will do. I have called my minister and have a meeting with him on Friday, as well I will attend my first Al-anon meeting on Friday evening. I am very sad today. I am feeling that the grieving process is beginning "for that which is gone, or perhaps never was"

ARealLady

((((((((Pepperpod))))))))))

You sound like you are starting to take care of you. Sending you positive thoughts and hope that you will do something good just for you today.

ARL

pepperpod

I appreciate the support and well wishes from all of you - "my new best friends". I am certain this challenge is bigger than I first thought, and bigger than I can handle alone. I feel I need every tool I can get my hands on to work through it, YET I am unable (embarrassed and ashamed) to speak of it to my closest friends or even my sister. I am hoping I can find freedom from the guilt I feel about HIS problem, albeit one that has affected my very own life.

minnie

May I ask if you know why you feel embarrassed and ashamed about your situation? And guilty about his stuff?

I hope that you are able to continue reaching out here, and within al-anon and your church. It's very difficult to tackle this stuff alone, I have found.

pepperpod

I really don't know why I feel "embarrassed and ashamed" - perhaps that my family/friends would probably not understand and honestly be disappointed in me that I am not "walking away as fast as I can". I think I feel 'guilty' because deep inside I wonder if I did something to bring this to the fore of our relationship. I am thinking I feel failure that our love, devotion and commitment was not enough to keep this demon away.

Inahurry

I feel sad when I read your posts, as I can understand your feelings exactly. I too have had these conversations, felt very optimistic, had good phone calls during the day when all was "back to normal", and then had my hopes dashed by incoherence in the evening after starting to drink.

It's a question of time isn't it? How long are we willing to put our own needs and desires secondary to those of someone who is not considering our feelings. For me there are a lot of good things about being with my AP - the problem for me now is that the bad things are really starting to outweigh the good, and I have got to be strong and say no this isn't right. Good luck and courage. x x.

Barbara52

Remember that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. No one has that sort of power over another person. He is responsible for his choices, including the choice to not work on recovery.

mallowcup

You became involved with this because you believed the best about someone. You are forgetting free will. Demons will come when they are invited by him. The answers you seek may not come in the way you expect. You have nothing to be ashamed of but isn't it typical that even the guilt becomes perverted so that it is something you carry? You may have been introduced into this mans life as an opportunity for him to do the right things and he hasn't. You had faith in him, he had your devoted love.
You are a good woman. You have nothing to be ahsamed of. It isn't your failure.
I don't have all the answers but I do know that God doesn't want our spirits broken.
Till death do you part? Your spirit sounds like it's dying. I hope you will look at all this differently and see your worth.
I remember feeling just like you do. In my heart of hearts, the saddness came because I knew it was ending in my heart.

pepperpod

After getting out of the shower this morning, I felt renewed and have some hope - not that my husband will change, but that I will be able to learn more and with the knowledge be able become stronger. I am looking forward to my meeting with the minister and to my first Al-anon meeting. Honestly, I now realize that I have been holding too much inside, trying to keep secrets and trying to be the other half of my husband - i.e. the protector, the guardian, the keeper of his secrets. I am ready to let go - get it out in the open. He was awake when I left for the office - I reminded him of my meeting and asked him if he wanted to join - the answer was an emphatic "no". I also reminded him that in the same building of the Al-anon meeting was the AA meeting - and asked if he wanted to join me to the drive there. Again, emphatically, NO. I left feeling stronger and said "have a good day, I will be home late - please take care of yourself and remember there are cold-cuts, etc. in the fridge". He seems hurt --- I know that he is accustomed to my un-divided attention when I am not at the office, but I have got to repair myself so I can be strong for whatever needs to happen in the future. While I feel very sad, I am experiencing the first feelings of hope in months. I will let you know how my meeting and first Al-anon meeting go. I do not want to be defeated by a bottle. As for my marriage, I am not sure. I honestly don't know what/how to think when I consider the future. I have trust issues - I really feel betrayed in many ways.