Fast forward to now
 

Hi all,
I just wanted to share what's in my head these days...hoping you can help me out a little even though it's not directly related to my XAH.

I have been living alone now for 14 months, and officially single (divorced) for 2 of those. I have a lot to be proud of. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to stand on my own, and I absolutely have. I have a great place to live where my dog has a yard to run around in. I have a job that supports my current lifestyle. I even have my hair highlighted (LOL, some of you will remember that was a major concern of mine before leaving, ha ha). I pay my bills with no major problems, and I'm doing well.

The sucky thing is that I am still so very single. 14 months is kind of a long time to be without a significant other! I've dated some, but nothing has come of it. Of everyone I dated, there was only one guy who I thought was actually someone I would be interested in, and he ended up not being interested in me. I'm getting kind of frustrated. I have great friends, a great place to live in a great city, a good job, but I am lonely. And not in the way that meeting another girlfriend for dinner will fix. Do you know what I mean? I really, really want a guy in my life. I guess I just thought things would come together a little faster than they have.

In a world that is structured for couples, being single does have its drawbacks! However, you have a nice place to live, a job, and money to pay your bills and enjoy a decent lifestyle. With all that going for you, I think it's just a matter of time - and timing! - before you run into the right guy!

I know the loneliness becomes wearing, but are there any type of clubs you can join that are not meat-markets, but where singles share common interests? Before I left Annapolis, I was going to join a group with over 2,000 single members called "Crabtown Skiers." They not only organized ski trips, but they also had sailing events on the Chesapeake Bay, dances, bowling, happy hours (I avoided those ...), golf tournaments, and holiday get-togethers.

I never did join that club, but one thing I discovered over the years ... when I was the least interested and not looking for someone to be a partner in my life, a man would suddenly appear.

TG, I kinda know how you feel. I have been single for nearly 3 years now and it took me a long time to be comfortable without a specific guy in my life. Now, though, I am quite content to be single which I am guessing might just mean I am ready for a relationship!!

I am really glad I would mow like to have a partner rather than feeling the twitchy need.

Dear, dear Texas Girl
 

Please make an effort to join structured activities - whether it be volunteer organizations or social organizations. I am hearing a neediness in you that should not be there. You are able-body and obviously feeling good about yourself. Enjoy life as it it. Surely you can still remember when you realized that being alone - either way you wish to define it - was a better option than what you had. If you are wanting to build a new life - you must have a new beginning. Stop concentrating on your needs and offer your friendship to others who have not become as strong as you. You will stop feeling needy and feel good about who you are with or without anyone else.

Too true pepperpod.

Texasgirl, don't go and jump into a relationship, 14 months is not a long time. I'm sure that whatever issues your relationship with XAH has raised in you/ones that were already there won't have been worked through that easily.

Protect yourself from engaging in another potentially co-dependant relationship by ensuring you are fully healed.

Realise that until you are completely happy functioning without another being to support you, you will not be able to give fully of yourself.

Hey Tex! Good to see you :)

I know what you mean, this has been the longest time I have been w/out a partner too. But I'm indifferent, content and not really looking, (besides women are a pain in the arse anyway ;)). When ever I start thinking about being single I always fall back on the old... Everything happens for a reason and everything works out for the best...

TG, you may have been on your own for 14 months, but you've been divorced only 2 of them. Anywho, 14 months is not long.

I can't lend much here because I've never been worried about being on my own. I like my own company. I was on my own for many years before meeting AH.

Yes, I know what you mean. There are always ways to get my needs met. Maybe consider this: by not entering into a sexual relationship with someone because you miss that aspect, you will bring a healthier you to the one you eventually have.

Get involved. Great things will happen.

Miss you.

That's what scares me. I was single for 8 years after my divorce. It took me a long time to fall in love again and I fell for an alcoholic. I'm afraid I'll be alone for ever because it's so hard to make that connection..

I was single for 10 yrs between my first and second marriage. My second marriage is now over after only 4 yrs. I'm 52 and for now looking forward to being on my own. I really don't know if in the future I'll be open to another romantic relationship with a man. I don't know if I'll ever be open to another marriage. But I am sure that I have to end my second marriage to save myself from the effects of his alcoholism. Whatever the future holds for me, it will not be a sad and angry life with an alcoholic.

I have been trying Match.com and Christiancafe.com. I am really shy at first, so it is difficult for me to meet someone. But I really understand how you feel. Like I feel like I go to the grocery store or church, and I see these couples.

And then I think . . . I used to be one of those couples (and I remember the good memories) . . . but with an alcoholic, I remember the embarassing memories just as well.

I am positive about the future. I know it will take time.

I met my STBXAH on Match.com

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be using one of those sites again. :c015:

(((tg))))

I am hoping you will bask in your independence and singleness. I have been both single and together with someone and I think there is a lot of merit in being single.

At very least don't push too hard for a relationship. I say explore yourself more, really know yourself, really love yourself. Consider that maybe the reason you are still alone is that you have not met anybodyright enough for you.

I know about the hormonal thing too and how that does drive a person to want a relationship. I hope you will always be happy with yourself and never value yourself less than another person. Still be gentle with yourself too.

Hi Texas Girl.
I once had a conversation with a happily married friend of mine that sounded a lot like your post. She said something to me that I will never forget: "You know, I'm married and I too get lonely". Just because a significant other comes into the picture, one is not guaranteed and end to loneliness.

By the way, I also had a therapist give me an assignment to go out into the world and notice how many people are engaging in life -- alone. I went to the park and saw more people than I could count, sitting on a bench -- alone, walking a dog -- alone, taking a jog -- alone. I was pleasantly surprised when I decided to look at others being okay with their solitude. In other words, deciding to focus and being grateful for what I had and not for what I didn't. By the way, as my mom likes to say, "Be careful for what you wish for..."

I would encourage you to take this time to really work on being okay as a single woman. To really engage yourself in a life that is meaningful to you. Besides who really wants to be with a woman who is feeling lonely or desperate? Maybe somebody else who is feeling lonely and desperate too? We all know those people well. Why else would we be here?

After spending many of the best dating years (my 30's) mostly single I can now honestly say I am as close to becoming the person I would like to date. Are you?

Stay strong, hang out with your best girlfriends and really enjoy your single time. I'm betting a handsome man will come along to court you real soon. I mean look at those highlights!

xo
robyn

Hey, TG, I hear ya! I've been on my own for what feels like forever! I am young, with a great job, a beautiful daughter, nice place, but being by myself seems to be my MO. Guys at work assume that I'm dating left and right, but couldn't be further from the truth. I've been told countless times that I look "intimidating"--men never approach and talk to me.

I complain about my future, me in a stretched out wool cardigan and sweatpants, surrounded by eight cats and dustballs:). But in all honesty, I've always loved being on my own. It's different now, because I have a full time job and a toddler, so I don't exactly lead a "single lifestyle". Still, though, I love the peace in my home, no questioning, no compromises, no arguments or silent treatments, no squabbles over money, no jealousy--you get the picture. It's liberating.

Yeah, it would be nice to have a man in my life, but I am willing to wait for a great one.

I've been told countless times that I look "intimidating"--men never approach and talk to me.


Ditto! But that might be a good thing for now. We send out vibes to others when we are ready to be approached. And I wonder if, when men are hinting that we are "intimidating", they are just testing our boundaries. And a boundary tester is a red flag!

ARL

I've been comfortably alone over 2 1/2 yrs and loving it... longest span, of not dating, since my 20's. I have notice thru the yrs, that there aren't many of those spectacular relationships. Unless someone, that could be a mutual best friend/lover comes along... I'll be enjoying my life just as it is. No more drama, accepted here.

(((TG)))

Ditto! Single for 8 years between the two, and I too fell in love with an alcoholic which turned my life upside down. I don't love being single but someone here once told me that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I was very alone in my relationship with my exabf and still would be if we were together, so i guess i'll take the lonely days as they are getting fewer and further apart :) Hope things are better these days for you :)

I have been single 5 years and yes, I have some lonely moments where I wish I could meet someone. But, then I remember how miserable I was in my marriage and unhappy I was when I was growing up in an abusive home.

I have grown so much as a person in these past 5 years and have learned to do things on my own. I don't have to worry about what kind of mood somebody else might be in or if the house is a wreck. I have control over the remote and I can go to bed at 9:00 (or earlier) if I wish!

I think that when and if I meet someone it will come at the right time and not a moment before. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my life and do things I never had a chance to do when I was married!

I met my alcoholic husband on Match.com as well. I think it is important to learn from previous experiences---if "Irish Wild Boy" is winking at you (just laugh) and do not wink back (I think I used to think I could handle a wild boy--I now realize I would run like heck)---as well, a nice Christian guy emails you--if you like him--email him back-see where it goes. Your standards should be higher now.

I have listed myself as "I do not drink"--I do not want to attract a social drinker. I will definitely be more selective on who I date in the future.

Match.com is a just one way of meeting other people. Some people go to single groups at different churches. I did not like speed dating in a group.

The holidays are a difficult time to be alone. But I would imagine that there are other single guys out there that just want a great gal to date.

how did that old Beatles tune go...

"One is the loneliest number, two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one..."

Alone, 4 years....since the divorce...
alone about 15 years all together......ie: it ended a very longtime before it was officially over...
be careful what you wish for...

don't be in a big hurry...
find out who you are, what things interests you, take some classes in art, karate, skydiving, yoga...
go to the library, the collage, the car shows and hang out where the men are...
Tool stores are another idea...
Have a home improvement idea?
Go walk around Lowe's or Menards (a big home improvement store), and ask for advice...
you will "find" someone when you are not looking...is what they tell me.
The place that I'm not looking is in the bars.
LOL