The gory details
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
The gory details
Being new to alanon and the meetings, its become clear to me that the seasoned members dont dwell upon the terrible details of their A's drinking.
However, I am still at a stage in my own alanon recovery where I find a certain, perhaps morbid "alignment" when reading about others details about their A's behaviors while drinking. Call it a need for acceptance of my personal relationship with an alcoholic, whatever. But allow me to ask if others feel it enlightening to read about the behavior that others succumbed to while their A was drunk?
Truth is, I feel alone in my circle of family and friends with regards to loving an A. Basically none of them have had to endure what it is like to be close to one.
And if your reasoning for not wanting to discuss the details is due to it being a trigger response to horrible events, I recognise that fact and apologise if this issue causes you to relive those circumstances. But again, I am rather new to this process and am having difficulties in not openly discussing the topic.
However, I am still at a stage in my own alanon recovery where I find a certain, perhaps morbid "alignment" when reading about others details about their A's behaviors while drinking. Call it a need for acceptance of my personal relationship with an alcoholic, whatever. But allow me to ask if others feel it enlightening to read about the behavior that others succumbed to while their A was drunk?
Truth is, I feel alone in my circle of family and friends with regards to loving an A. Basically none of them have had to endure what it is like to be close to one.
And if your reasoning for not wanting to discuss the details is due to it being a trigger response to horrible events, I recognise that fact and apologise if this issue causes you to relive those circumstances. But again, I am rather new to this process and am having difficulties in not openly discussing the topic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I have no problem sharing. Sometimes it triggers something I'd rather not feel, but I work my way through it. I was discussing this with someone the other day - what has happened for me is that, though I can relate the behaviors, I am becoming very removed from them - I can't feel them anymore. There was a time early on in Al-Anon where I did share all the gory details - just not in the meeting - before and after. It was such a relief to unburden myself with others who understood.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 19
I'm still very new at this forum and read all I can. I like to feel that I'm not the only one that has an AH that is completely over the line, I do not talk much because it seems to be the same for almost everyone, but I do read!! It helps a great deal to see that someone is/was experiencing the same thing that I am now and being able to read into their future (posts from the beginning) has been quite comforting (knowing what they did, how they did it. How much it hurt/helped etc). I don't know if I helped, but you helped me realize what I was thinking. Thank you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Actually, none of us HAS to endure life with an alcoholic. But we codies mistakenly think we have to endure it--until we learn that we have other choices. We're all just one choice away from a happy life and a healthy relationship. Once I realized this and made new choices my life improved drastically and I no longer focused on the terrible details of my A's drinking because what he did or how much he drank no longer affected me.
With the help of Alanon and this forum, I learned to stop associating with people who were keeping me from living a joyful life and weren't serving me well and I stopped engaging in self-defeating and unhealthy behaviors.
I keep coming back to this forum to remind myself how far I've come, how much unacceptable behavior I used to put up with, how out of control my life had become, and that my life is a reflection of the choices I make.
With the help of Alanon and this forum, I learned to stop associating with people who were keeping me from living a joyful life and weren't serving me well and I stopped engaging in self-defeating and unhealthy behaviors.
I keep coming back to this forum to remind myself how far I've come, how much unacceptable behavior I used to put up with, how out of control my life had become, and that my life is a reflection of the choices I make.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 34
I'm relatively new here too. I sometimes feel here (and also at Al Anon meetings I went to long ago), that I don't fit in. I know it's not a contest 
but my personal stories are not as nightmarish or gory as many I read here, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write. And sometimes I even wonder why I feel crappy at times, when there is no real horrible stuff right now. But logically I know there doesn't have to be arrests, blood, financial ruin etc. for me to feel 'emotionally' isolated in a marriage.
As long as I am rambling, I need to continue. I have a 20 yr marriage. I realize I have grown and changed lots in the last few years. It's causing problems in the marriage. I have clearly stated, in great detail - that I need/want emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy with the person I am married to. My AH doesn't talk. I have said I need to be let in, in order to feel connected to him. He can't or won't. So I am left with wondering if I am 'settling'. There is not much communication or laughter, unless I orchestrate it almost completely. He's said he thinks he's very co-dependent on me, I agree. He agrees with everything I say, think, like or dislike. It sounds like a dream for some women, but I'd like to have an active participant that comes with ideas, thoughts, insights, knowledge, opinions etc.
but my personal stories are not as nightmarish or gory as many I read here, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write. And sometimes I even wonder why I feel crappy at times, when there is no real horrible stuff right now. But logically I know there doesn't have to be arrests, blood, financial ruin etc. for me to feel 'emotionally' isolated in a marriage. As long as I am rambling, I need to continue. I have a 20 yr marriage. I realize I have grown and changed lots in the last few years. It's causing problems in the marriage. I have clearly stated, in great detail - that I need/want emotional/spiritual/physical intimacy with the person I am married to. My AH doesn't talk. I have said I need to be let in, in order to feel connected to him. He can't or won't. So I am left with wondering if I am 'settling'. There is not much communication or laughter, unless I orchestrate it almost completely. He's said he thinks he's very co-dependent on me, I agree. He agrees with everything I say, think, like or dislike. It sounds like a dream for some women, but I'd like to have an active participant that comes with ideas, thoughts, insights, knowledge, opinions etc.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
We're all just one choice away from a happy life and a healthy relationship. Once I realized this and made new choices my life improved drastically and I no longer focused on the terrible details of my A's drinking because what he did or how much he drank no longer affected me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Aquarian
I'm relatively new here too. I sometimes feel here (and also at Al Anon meetings I went to long ago), that I don't fit in. I know it's not a contest but my personal stories are not as nightmarish or gory as many I read here, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write.
but my personal stories are not as nightmarish or gory as many I read here, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't write.Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Yes, I do continue to find it "enlightening" to read about other people's situations with their A. Many times I see a clue in another "situation" which forces me to sit back and reflect on how I was affected by similar behaviour in my situation.
I have never attended Alanon (although I probably will) and one reason is because I never felt my situation was as "bad" as some. But, I am learning that there are triggers on here and out there in the real world to which I react in an unhealthy way....not sure if my reactions are because of XABF, long-term marriage to a workaholic, family of origin related...I just don't know. I think I need to spend time around people whose common goal is to feel better about themselves regardless of the negative influences in life.
Former Doormat says we are "just one choice away from a happy life" but I am not sure that is true for all of us if we continue to keep making poor choices in terms of our relationships. That said, maybe by working the Alanon programme we learn how to make only good choices in our lives.
Truth is, I feel alone in my circle of family and friends with regards to loving an A. Basically none of them have had to endure what it is like to be close to one.
I hear you! Use these boards to vent, rage and ramble, Tollbooth. Yesterday I thought I was going off the deep end. Finally ended up calling a women's crisis line and they LISTENED to me in my lonely despair. It helped
....sometimes that is all we need.
ARL
I have never attended Alanon (although I probably will) and one reason is because I never felt my situation was as "bad" as some. But, I am learning that there are triggers on here and out there in the real world to which I react in an unhealthy way....not sure if my reactions are because of XABF, long-term marriage to a workaholic, family of origin related...I just don't know. I think I need to spend time around people whose common goal is to feel better about themselves regardless of the negative influences in life.
Former Doormat says we are "just one choice away from a happy life" but I am not sure that is true for all of us if we continue to keep making poor choices in terms of our relationships. That said, maybe by working the Alanon programme we learn how to make only good choices in our lives.
Truth is, I feel alone in my circle of family and friends with regards to loving an A. Basically none of them have had to endure what it is like to be close to one.
I hear you! Use these boards to vent, rage and ramble, Tollbooth. Yesterday I thought I was going off the deep end. Finally ended up calling a women's crisis line and they LISTENED to me in my lonely despair. It helped
....sometimes that is all we need.ARL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by ARealLady
Yesterday I thought I was going off the deep end. Finally ended up calling a women's crisis line and they LISTENED to me in my lonely despair. It helped ....sometimes that is all we need.
ARL
....sometimes that is all we need.ARL
Seriously, I look forward to the day when all its going to take for me to move ahead is a telephone conversation!!! Thank you ARL.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Not sure about that, tollbooth. You could check around and see. I know that up where I am there are crisis lines which are for anybody in a crisis. And some organizations which started as crisis lines for gay men now include all men.
And you know? Maybe YOU could be the instigator and driving force behind a men only crisis line!
ARL
And you know? Maybe YOU could be the instigator and driving force behind a men only crisis line!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think we try to talk about us instead of them. It is all too easy to restate the problem, the obvious, and not talk enough about our own recovery. The particulars of ow an alcoholic acts is pretty common. I tend to stay away from posts that talk about those specifics recurrently. That isn't beneficial to my own recovery, I don't want to keep reliving it.
This isn't limited to this topic. I don't have much contact with anyone who restates a problem or situation who doesn't include what they are doing about it.
This isn't limited to this topic. I don't have much contact with anyone who restates a problem or situation who doesn't include what they are doing about it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Auburn, MA
Posts: 14
We all go through different stages - I used to crave telling all the gory details because I needed to do that. That was my stage. Now, frankly, I've told the story so many damn times I'm sick of hearing myself talk. 
Granted, I still like to hear the stories and try to help people that are suffering. It's also one of those "yup, i hear ya honey, I've been there too" that comforts us. So, just go with what you are feeling. No one judges here - take what you want and leave the rest.
Good luck to you darling!
Granted, I still like to hear the stories and try to help people that are suffering. It's also one of those "yup, i hear ya honey, I've been there too" that comforts us. So, just go with what you are feeling. No one judges here - take what you want and leave the rest.
Good luck to you darling!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
For me, in the beginning, telling the horror stories and reading the same from others was like a breath of fresh air after 25 years in the fog. I remember one thread in particular that was so HUGE for me-it was titled 'Famous Last Words' and was several pages long in the end. Everyone was sharing the outrageous things that their A had said or done, and that was when I realized that I was not alone....I was just completely blown away that all the quacking I heard was often word-for-word the same that others heard. That was almost a year ago, and I am in a different place now. But those types of conversations were what I needed then. So you just feel free to say whatever you need to say!
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