LaTeeDa

The validation thing is something I continually struggle with. I recognize that it is a by-product of my upbringing. Having had to 'earn' love and approval all my life, but yet never quite getting it despite all my efforts to be 'perfect.' To this day tears well up in my eyes when my boss criticizes my work. Not a normal response in a business relationship. It's hard to push through those old reactions, but recognizing when you are doing it is half the battle. You're doing great just by asking the question! Carry on, Heather.

L

hbb

I'm lately trying to be conscience of bringing up the subject of him leaving. I never got validation from him (the one that was the most important) i guess it has been for some reason important for everyone to tell me it's NOT me and i'm not the reason he left. It was for some reason so refreshing to hear his best friend tell me how screwed up HE is and he's the one that creates drama and problems, not me. Which i know it's not me in the end but still a huge blow.

My therapist said that i can make the ending to this story and it doesn't have to be that he dumped me for someone else because i wasn't good enough. She said that i should look at as he did me a HUGE favor and that i wouldn't have put up with much more of his problems and red flags. I try to turn it around that way YET for some reason i still feel the need to say to my friends "how could he treat me like that" and so on basically to hear that it wasn't me and them reminding me of that. I just want to be able to validate myself KNOWING it is him who chose to leave, disrespect me, and show such terrible behavior.

p.s. - LTD, i cry at work when we just sit down for a meeting lol!!!!! Very sensitive!!

hbb

Instead of hanging on to someone who was no good for me, I recognized his faults were greater than I could live with and parted with him.
It felt good, I was in control of myself for a change.

This is what i SHOULD have done with J in the beginning, I justified every red flag as he and i at different points in our lives but would have come together perfectly fine. It's hard, i truly loved him with all my heart but also know that love isn't always the answer and certainly doesn't get you through.

ajangels2

(((hbb)))

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this right now. There was a time that I went through something similiar with my now AH... he and I seperated for a short time and he got into another relationship very quickly. What I realized during that time was. 1. He was actively using and 2. He was using this person for comfort, money, companionship, and anything else she was willing to give him. Later after to speaking to this woman I realized that AH only gave her one side of the story and that she herself was also getting her needs met by rescuing my A. It's all sick behavior... there is no way to make sense of an A's behavior because they can't make sense out of it themselves.

We have reconciled and put the whole thing behind us and I have come to a place of forgiveness... what would I have done if it turned out differently.. like you are feeling now very low and unsure of yourself and your capabilities I was too. I probably would have grieved like that for a while. I did grieve terribly.

Please remember that his choices and behaviors are not about you or your ability to love another human being. Spend time with you nurturing yourself if you can. God does have someone picked out for you but what I have learned is that I had to love myself completely before I could accept anyone or even love anyone else with healthy boundaries. I let AH and other's walk on my boundaries and convinced myself that it was o.k. because they "needed" me to do this or that for them. Not anymore... if they can't do it themselves and I'm not comfortable doing it then I don't. They will find another way. AH is sober now almost 8 months and life has gotten better... the benefits of sobriety are coming to fruition... I know now that I could not go back to active addiction again... my life is much more peaceful now and honestly I'm done with the roller coaster of an active A. My life is pretty boring and I like it that way... not looking for any thrills to the game right now.

Please know that you have not finished the game of life yet... and you never know what HP has in store for you. Keep your chin up girl.

Peace,
ajangels

hbb

Thank you so much for that post, sounds so similar. I kinda feel like i was that "other" person because he was with her for 8 years, alone for a year before we met and then dated me and went back to her

All the while he is now 10 months sober and he and i were together when he quit and started going to AA. I think that he wanted to show her that he was this changed, better man now that he was sober as i think she left him because of his drinking. The whole thing is so screwed up and i know that misery loves company and i know that's why they are back together. She is a clone of him....MISERY who wants nothing in life but it just seems to still hurt my feelings. If his heart was somewhere else that's one thing but don't go behind my back when i've treated you so well and supported you through all the trials and tribulations regarding family and personal issues.....i think for my situation it comes back to unacceptable behavior and this is who he is now sober, unlikable unfortunately...

LaTeeDa

For me, this is a big part of the problem. Having learned early in life that love is something to be earned, not something that is freely given, I tend to do things for people and then expect them to love me for it. And, if they don't, I resent them because of 'all I have done for them.' Still working on it..............

L

hbb

Oh i understand what your saying regarding love, I never did a single thing for him with the thoughts for me to get something in return, but to be cheated on is completely different in my book. There's no rule that he HAD to stay with me, nor did i want him to stay if he was unhappy. But I DO NOT expected to be cheated on, leave me, dump me, whatever but don't disrespect me and cheat on me....I've always had zero tollerance for cheating, it happened in my first serious relationship too. If your not happy and you think the grass is greener then LEAVE.....JMHO.

hbb

Anvil ~ you make me smile! Balloons two days in a row, you must see some improvement in me lol!! Thanks for the kind words

denny57

how'd those validations go this morning?

hbb

Ummm, i more so thought them without saying them out loud and it was more to do with my outfit for the day, that i looked "ok"....BUT there's always tomorrow morning, practice not prefection!

hbb

Thank you for those suggestions. I made some lists when he wanted a "break" back in June. It was like you said, very lopsided to say the least. And like on another thread, most of my pro's were just givens! I was putting him on a pedestal that he didn't belong on.

denny57

Well, you seem to have perfected obsessing over the ex and his gf, so perfection is certainly possible! How about turning some of that obsession over to yourself?

hbb

I know Denny and that's why i'm reluctant to post cause i sound crazy. Bottom line, i'm really bummed out and sad and i've never gotten over a serious relationship easily. And like i said earlier, talking about my ex and him being an alcoholic i'm kinda on my own as my surrounding friends and family are not familiar. Anyways, i'll try the mirror talking tomorrow.

cagefree

So hbb,

What did you say to yourself this morning?

This morning I pictured the little child I used to be who was constantly criticized and berated for getting a 95 instead of 100 - and I shrank her down small enough to fit her in my heart where she is getting hugs and self-nurturing all day long.

hbb

(((Cage))) Um, actually i did think, not exactly say that i do deserve better in life. It's to short. Something happened last night that was a real eye opener.

My phone ran at 2 a.m. and it was my best friend that said her husband just called from jail, got picked up for drunk driving. He was flipping out and she KNEW this day would come, she said she's been waiting for it for 11 years. She left him there as she had a 9 and 11 year old in bed and wasn't putting up with it. I agreed with her totally. Not to mention he was yelling nasty words to her and she hung up and then wouldn't accept the operator call at 3 a.m.

I had a realization as i hung up with her that sober or not my XA may or may not relapse but that WOULD have been my life. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop and i don't want to be home with children waiting for that call. I said to myself that someone else can deal with that mess, i'm better than that and don't deserve his bad behavior. Just thought i'd share, hope that call sticks with me for a while to get me through.

Sidenote: i went to al anon last night and it was very helpful. The question asked of me was "do i accept the alcoholic"? I asked then or now? Then yes, now no because it's a combination of quitting and just being a jerk, but deal with it enough to move on or try to. JMO

LaTeeDa

I don't know the context of the above question, but I can tell you this was something I struggled with. My brain somehow thought if I accepted someone as they were, they had to be allowed in my life. Not so. I've since learned that accepting everyone in the world, just as they are is the best way to achieve inner peace. From there, you can decide who is a part of your life and who isn't.

So, let me ask you again, in this light. Do you accept the alcoholic?

L

hbb

LTD, i didn't understand the context of the question either but i understand where your coming from. Sometimes i feel like i don't have a choice as i DID accept him (the alcoholic) and HE chose not to accept me. That's the hard part. I had this conversation with my friend after al anon and she said the same, she said i did accept him but got denied in the end. For my own peace and serentity i can (hard work) accept he is who he is but i accept it as bad behavior and not the liquid he USED to drink because again he was 6 months sober. I absolutely know he is/was not cured but i'm trying to make peace in my own life, not that he will ever know/benefit from that.

LaTeeDa

Believe me, I know how hard this concept is. It took me well over a year to get it. But, I still propose that you are confusing acceptance with allowing someone in your life. (even if it's just space in your head) Do you agree that he is who he is whether he is in your life or not?

(Not trying to be annoying, just trying to push you a little like some others did for me when I was having trouble with this.)

L

hbb

Your not pushing me in a bad way. This whole thing is overwhelming and confusing to me. But yes, i do agree he is who he is in my life or not. It's just not the person i THOUGHT i was with while we were together. He was like Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. That's the confusing part. It was like a split personality, sure put on a show for everyone that's for sure. But yes, i guess this is who he really is and i can accept that and KNOW i don't want that person remotely NEAR my life

P.s....can we work on letting go next! lol, i'll be shocked if i ever get to that stage!!!

minnie

Heather,

I've been thinking about this post quite a bit recently, especially the latest input from LTD. She's a treasure, ain't she?

To me, acceptance covers the whole gamut of my life, and the lack of it is strongly allied to my self-esteem, or rather my judgment of self which then works its way into judgement of others. When I can move to a place of acceptance, I make no judgement - it is a neutral place but is imperative that it is one which is based in reality.

Have you thought about asking your therapist about CBT, which is based on challenging our beliefs about the world and, in particular, ourselves? If not, try http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/default.asp - it is an online CBT programme that I have had great results with. Also, Acceptance and Committment Therapy (http://www.contextualpsychology.org/) is a new and exciting branch of therapy, but I am still delving myself so can't comment much on it. And, of course, Buddhist teachings are full of stuff on acceptance - Pema Chodran in particular ahas helped me a long the way. As has Judith Ragir (http://www.judithragir.org/) who has tons of downloads on her website, some of which is specifically relating to the 12 Steps and Buddhism.

I spent a long time unravelling the truth from the facade when I split with my ex. Every now and again, something else clicks into place for me, but the difference now is that I am not seeking it. I could only get to that passive place by assuming it was all fake from his end. Sounds negative and might not be for everyone, however it liberated me at a time when I was spiralling. It wasn't negative, because it was simply a position I took and with that, I could let so much stuff go. Besides, it was taking to much mental energy to discect every exchange we ever had. As the evidence mounted, it seemed that viewing our relationship as a facade was as valid as any other position. By "all fake", I don't mean the drinking, the debt, the rows etc because they were real, but the level of our interaction, the fairy tales I was enticed into, the hopes and dreams, basically anything that came out of his mouth and the connection that grew from that etc. It did help that I am curious about people and did a lot of reading about why people do and say things on a psychological level and so could piece together some of the jigsaw both from my end and, to some extent, his.