queenteree

Hi All, My AH is a binge/bender drinker - he drinks for a month or so straight, every single day, all day, drunk by night, follows me from room to room, can't be on the phone cause he sits and listens to every conversation and buts in (so there goes using the Alanon phone list), doesn't give me any privacy, if I go outside, he follows me out there, keeps trying to pick a fight, if I pick up dinner just for me, get lectured on how he does everything for me and I couldn't pick up dinner for him, he still expects me to do, do, do and he calls all the shots, and I'm talking a month straight, if not more, day after day after day, then he detoxes for a week, then we go another month or more, day after day after day. He doesn't go out when he drinks, he's constantly home and even though my boundary is for him to go upstairs, he keeps coming back down for something or to start. Every morning is filled w/dread on my part, knowing that when I wake up and start my day having coffee, he is there to again blame me for something - this IS EVERY DAY!!!!! How do your A's drink (weekends, daily, like mine) and do they do the same thing? How do you handle it, short of leaving. AH PI case may be settled soon, and I want some of that money!!

hbb

(((queentree))) sounds like your still going through such a tough time, so sorry for that. Mine was a daily drinker. My exabf worked in the schools so he was out by 2:30 in the afternoon and I worked till 5 and then went to the gym so basically he would drink from 3 p.m. till i met up with him and if i wasn't he would drink till closing. Very sad life, and of course when he was actively drinking and i couldn't find him, I got the "had no phone reception" excuse...how convenient!

elizabeth1979

QT,
Sounds like a lot of drama in your house. Have you considered the possibility that maybe you subconsciously like the drama and feed off of it? I got very defensice when people would ask me this question, but I think I did. I think it fed my need for attention, poor me, type thinking.

So, you arent ready to leave. Ok. It sounds like you are going through the motions of boundries but not really following through on them. The boundry that he must go upstairs if hes drunk..or what? What will you do to protect your sanity if he doesnt go upstairs?

Most of your posts are ALL about him. What he does, he says, and how you just have to put up with it. What can you do to change what you tolerate? He is not going to change just because you want him to. Its been my experiences that the only changes that worked long term were MY changes. The only person on this roller coaster is you. He is just living his life the way he wants. How do you want to live?

queenteree

I truly try with the boundaries, but the "or what" is what is missing. There is no "or what". He does what he wants to do when he wants to do it, he runs my life, and believe me, I DO NOT LIKE THE DRAMA!!!! Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate drama, I just want to live a peaceful life, that's why I just wish he'd go upstairs and leave me alone. I lived almost drama free for over 14 years, and it was wonderful. It's almost making me cry that anyone would think I would be happy living this life of hell that I am living. I just really see no way out of it. As I said before in other posts, after the end of my first marriage, I was screwed out of everything!!!! To me, to leave, let him let the house into foreclosure, I walk away w/nothing and on my salary could barely afford to pay the rent here on LI, with no money for gas, food, car payment, etc., I hardly think that would offer me serenity. I pray every day for guidance, yet it is so disheartening when I truly can't think of a way out. When I talk about what "he" does,it's cause I truly don't think anyone knows or understands how horrible this man controls my every move and won't leave me be for a minute!!!!! I've tried going to this friends house, my son's house, living out of a suitcase, etc. Is that serenity? Not being able to afford to live where I live, is that serenity? Losing any equity in my house cause I have to be the one to leave and then the house would go into foreclosure and I'd really walk away w/nothing. Is that serenity???? Living the life I'm living and trying not to let it get to me, is that serenity????? NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!!! I NEED SOME PEACE IN MY LIFE!!!!!

lostnfound1961

QT,
Sucks don't it. Mine drinks every day and if he has a day that he doesn't have to go someplace he will drink faster. I stopped buying any beer for him months ago and recently he has started to ask me to stop for him. I did once and knew better. Then yesterday I was going to walk to the store because it was such a nice day and he asked again. I invited him to walk with me and get his own. He did. Mine doesn't follow me around, he is more likely to hide our in our basement. BUT.... He doesn't like me to go anyplace without him because he is afraid of what I might do if he is not there.

Mine also works in the schools and is home by 2:30 but sence I get home just after him he doesn't have a chance to suck too much down before I get there.
Sorry life sucks for you. I hope things work out so you can get out of there and get the live you should have.
D

LaTeeDa

Boundaries aren't boundaries without an 'or what.' They are empty threats, wishes, attempts at control, but not boundaries. I know when my husband didn't think I would leave, it was a license for him to do whatever he wanted. He knew I would stay and put up with it. I don't know what else to say--except read my sig line..............

L

minnie

QT, can you see that this is a rule, not a boundary? Boundaries don't require action on the part of another, but they do require action from me. Maybe this thread will help you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

Lilyflower

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Terri,

I know how scary it can be to begin afresh and how it can make you feel, yet again, that you have failed, but you need to remember; a house and money are never a substitute for your health and happiness.

I've copied this from one of the amazing stickies under 'classic reading'. I hope you read through this and find strength (((((((Terri)))))))


The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

__________________

queenteree

So, in essence, all of you are saying that if he drinks night after night after night and harasses me night after night after night, and it's both our house, that I have to be the one to leave, to leave MY home, maybe to let it go into foreclosure and walk away w/nothing, maybe even owe, not be able to support myself, let him walk away with all the money, I should probably take out a loan to pay for an attorney and court fees, all the time he will still be drinking and spending any money in our accout or attached to our home equity line and not pay a damn bill (some of which are in my name) and each time that he just keeps doing this, I have to keep living out of a suitcase. Tell me, how is that serenity and happiness and how would/did you all keep your mind so peaceful thru it all? Doesn't seem like it makes sense, unless something's wrong w/me. I seem to think I live in the real world, and the real world isn't going thru life struggling to even survive, but it's "peace of mind". Maybe it's me, I don't know. And all of you who walked away w/nothing while they got it all, you claim it was worth your peice of mind, are you really truly happy. If so, I guess I'm not there in my recovery yet.

badlybroken

If it means anything, I do know exactly how you feel. I actually don't have many boundaries because I know I would be forced into action if I set a solid boundary. I would have to stick to my word if I threatened him with a boundary, and I am not ready for that. My AH drinks daily and I don't have any experience with binging. He gets off work at 3 or so and drinks into the evening. Is usually in bed by 9 pm every day. The way I deal with it is just like you. Luckily for me, AH doesn't follow me. I usually go upstairs if he is down and vice versa if he is upstairs. I avoid him and give short to the point answers to questions. Fortunately I am good at detachment. I do not feel anything when he is drunk.

Sorry you are in a bad place. Hang tough. No advice really but when you are ready you will know what to do.

Lilyflower

Terri, its not that I think you should give up on your financial interest in the house, nor that it should be you that has to leave and wind up living from a siutcase. There are other ways you may be able to proceed with this situation, but are you strong enough to start taking him head on?

Lilyflower

Have you demanded that he leave?

LaTeeDa

No one knows what the future holds. We all have choices, though we may not like any of them. I had to let go of the idea that it was 'black or white,' 'all or nothing.' If you get away from the chaos, even temporarily, and do some soul-searching, you may surprise yourself with the creative solutions you come up with.

L

P.S. I don't know how it works in NY, but in CA the 'date of separation' is an important date and can save one spouse from having to pay debts incurred by the other spouse after that date.

denny57

I think I'd look at it as a trade off. I live like this til the money comes in. And hope I don't die in the meantime.

Sorry it's all still the same, QT.

queenteree

Lily - he won't leave, I've asked plenty of times, he always says he won't leave his house, that he'll just stay upstairs (which he NEVER does!!!). Can't get him out either cause it's both our house.
Denny - you're absolutely right!!! So many times I've thought I'm going to try and stick this out till the money comes in, but I'll probably die first. My thing is, are all A's like this, this harassing, day after day after day and always there, just there all the time???? I wish he were the type to go to a bar, stay out all night, get laid, I don't care, just want him to leave me alone!!!! I just wish I could learn a way to deal with this to stick it out till the money comes in. If I could find a way, then I'd be able to walk away w/money that rightfully belongs to me (for putting up w/his crap for so long).

LaTeeDa

To expand a little on what I said above, in my state you can list a 'date of separation' on the petition for dissolution. This is then the date that is used to determine division of property. Also, by filing the petition, an automatic restraining order is issued preventing any sale or liquidation of joint assets. Debts incurred by one spouse after the date of separation are considered to be theirs alone, not joint. Again, this is California, but maybe you could ask some questions of your lawyer. You may actually be risking more by not filing sooner....

L

minnie

Perhaps if you spent some time looking at the money in a different way so that you can find some peace. I thought that same, that he owed me BIG TIME for what he put me through. The thing is, can you really put a monetary value on the emotional impact? I finally got a handle on some of my anger when I sought only the money that was legally mine, without wanting a sufferance premium on the settlement. Also, I chose to look at the settlement as providing for my future, rather than a payoff for the past.

Also something that I had to look hard at was the impact that my anger and resentment had on the dynamic of my dealings with R. Am I right in thinking that your are in therapy? I would suggest that you ask your therapist about Transactional Analysis. It was a big help to me in understanding my part in those nonsensical discussions and arguments that were all so frequent, especially when R got an inkling that I was going to leave. I don't exist in a bubble and understanding how tone of voice, body language and choice of words can influence the response we get from people made a real difference to me.

denny57

LTD, I'd just like to add that I'm here in CA, too, and one of the things we are battling out in court is the date of separation. The judge will decide based on our arguments. The reason we are battling it out is - can you guess - financial. The date the judge agrees with will affect who carries the debt and how certain income is divided.

Just throwing in my current situation/experience.

Lilyflower

LaTeeDa, this is along the lines of what I was thinking.

Terri, get your self some legal advice! Being in England I don't know how you stand as with your rights etc. I have also been in the position where I told my abf to leave. He refused, said he wouldn't go, that he would go when he is ready to. It makes you feel as if your last weapon of defense is gone.

I too would have nothing if we split, I have a 9yr old and for me leaving with nothing and letting him have it all was not an option. Luckily things are better at the moment as bf is sober still (been over a week). One idea I did have when I was feeling desperate was to call the police. If he is making you feel threatened, itimidated etc you do not have to put up with it, not even within your own home. Get the police to remove him from the house, put him in a cell for the night till he sobers up.

Another idea I had was to have the locks changed when he was out. Then I simply would not allow him in. Again, if he gets abusive/angry call the police, they are there to protect you! Domestic disturbances are very common and you'll be suprised how they can help.

Talk to a lawyer about selling the house, you are legally entitled to half of it, he can not take that from you. If he will not agree to the sale, there must be a way to have the action forced, after all he is an alcoholic and he is psychologically abusing you and using this to keep you tied to this situation. Talk to people who help abused wives, they will know exactly how you can get out of this with your assets in tact.

Seek legal advice before you do anything though, I wouldn't want you to be breaking the law. My advice is a pro active course and I strongly advise you that you consider fully what you do before you do it. If you antagonise him, you may be putting your self at greater risk.

I feel that your frustration is coming from a feeling of desperation though rather than anger or resentment.

CBrown

QT ... I have gone times of frustration like you. Not the same because I wasn't married to my XABF, but it was still maddening. I wanted to hold him responsible for treating me like crap, instead of walking away like nothing happened and taking up with another woman. Sometimes it just has to boil over and all come pouring out! Of course your post is all about him right now, it's where you are in your journey! God willing in a year maybe you'll be one of the ones posting from a different perspective - as one who made it through the storm and have words of advice for others in need. But right now, this is where you're at.

Hmmm, what to do? Legal advice seems absolutely necessary right now. Can you have him booted out for being an abusive spouse? Maybe an attorney could see some type of legal angle that will protect you emotionally and financially! Why not do some calling and see what good advice you can get?

Can you leave the house for a couple days and get some peace? I don't know ... visit a family member, a friend somewhere else? Maybe with the time away you can clear your head and some good idea of how to work on the situation will come to you.

To answer your question ... my XABF pretty much drank steadily from 4:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. The only thing more efficient would be an IV drip of booze.

I'm so sorry this has gone on so long for you without resolution. My thoughts and prayers are with you!