Another newie....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
Another newie....
Hi everyone, been here reading for a week or so and thought I'd introduce myself. 
My story is as follows:
I am in a 1.5yr relationship with an A. He is selfish and lies to the point of being a sociopath. Until I read some of the sticky's on here I probably still wouldn't believe that his problem/disease is as bad as it is, or that it was mainly the addiction that was pre-empting the rotten lying selfish destructive behaviour. I thought alcoholics hid bottles around the house and were drunk every day. Now I am aware there are stages. He even told me 'it's the drinking' and I didn't really believe him.
He likes to drink about 2 cans 3-4 nights a week and has huge binges on the weekend, spending money we dont have.
Anyway, he is back after the latest indiscretion and promising me the world, telling me how much he loves me etc. (I am pregnant with twins by the way) I am unable to work at the minute so I said he could come back to help with expenses and that we had to seek counselling so as we could start to unearth some kind of normality, mainly for the sake of the twins. (he is their father)
Most of my friends and family dont like him because of the way he treats me/has treated me, which is understandable.
If this is a bit jumbled - please excuse me - I have the pregnant brain thing happening and to be honest this relationship is the most confusing thing I have ever encountered.
I have read a bit about co-dependency and it still seems like a bit of a grey area for me. I can detach quite well though, I have discovered, which was a natural progression when all other avenues had been explored.( sense, logic and reason. lol)
He keeps telling me he loves me, but I am convinced he is only in love with himself. It seems preposterous for me to hear him say that, but he insists, which is when I tell him that our definitions of 'Love' must be different.
He is also controlling and manipulative - which is what I thought was the problem initially. Thought he was just an abusive jerk. Now I know he is an abusive alcoholic jerk. The abuse(verbal, emotional) has slowed right down since I got pregnant. And as is commonly the case he is also a talented charmer. He seems to be able to wear me down EVERY TIME i leave or kick him out, the length of time it takes is getting longer - but I still give in.
Am I just too lazy to do what I know I must?
I keep telling him that we are just delaying the inevitable.
He knows he has a drinking problem. He admits it. Sometimes I feel like he uses it as an excuse for doing the unforgivable.
I know you guys will probably say go to al-anon.
You guys know about this co-dependency thing - why is there such controversy about it? How do you know where natural instincts stop and a 'problem' with co-dependency starts?
I keep writing questions, then re-reading and knowing the answer, then deleting that portion. Quite an eye opener.
thanks for reading.
My story is as follows:
I am in a 1.5yr relationship with an A. He is selfish and lies to the point of being a sociopath. Until I read some of the sticky's on here I probably still wouldn't believe that his problem/disease is as bad as it is, or that it was mainly the addiction that was pre-empting the rotten lying selfish destructive behaviour. I thought alcoholics hid bottles around the house and were drunk every day. Now I am aware there are stages. He even told me 'it's the drinking' and I didn't really believe him.
He likes to drink about 2 cans 3-4 nights a week and has huge binges on the weekend, spending money we dont have.
Anyway, he is back after the latest indiscretion and promising me the world, telling me how much he loves me etc. (I am pregnant with twins by the way) I am unable to work at the minute so I said he could come back to help with expenses and that we had to seek counselling so as we could start to unearth some kind of normality, mainly for the sake of the twins. (he is their father)
Most of my friends and family dont like him because of the way he treats me/has treated me, which is understandable.
If this is a bit jumbled - please excuse me - I have the pregnant brain thing happening and to be honest this relationship is the most confusing thing I have ever encountered.
I have read a bit about co-dependency and it still seems like a bit of a grey area for me. I can detach quite well though, I have discovered, which was a natural progression when all other avenues had been explored.( sense, logic and reason. lol)
He keeps telling me he loves me, but I am convinced he is only in love with himself. It seems preposterous for me to hear him say that, but he insists, which is when I tell him that our definitions of 'Love' must be different.
He is also controlling and manipulative - which is what I thought was the problem initially. Thought he was just an abusive jerk. Now I know he is an abusive alcoholic jerk. The abuse(verbal, emotional) has slowed right down since I got pregnant. And as is commonly the case he is also a talented charmer. He seems to be able to wear me down EVERY TIME i leave or kick him out, the length of time it takes is getting longer - but I still give in.
Am I just too lazy to do what I know I must?
I keep telling him that we are just delaying the inevitable.
He knows he has a drinking problem. He admits it. Sometimes I feel like he uses it as an excuse for doing the unforgivable.
I know you guys will probably say go to al-anon.
You guys know about this co-dependency thing - why is there such controversy about it? How do you know where natural instincts stop and a 'problem' with co-dependency starts?
I keep writing questions, then re-reading and knowing the answer, then deleting that portion. Quite an eye opener.
thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
Posts: 105
At this stage of your life, you are no longer making decisions for yourself, but for three lives (the twins 
)
Maybe look at it from the pov that not only are you, but friends and family also are questioning his ability to be your significant other? Now add to that his ability to be a fatherX2 to this equation.
Congrats on the (double) blessing!!!
)Maybe look at it from the pov that not only are you, but friends and family also are questioning his ability to be your significant other? Now add to that his ability to be a fatherX2 to this equation.
Congrats on the (double) blessing!!!
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
why is there such controversy about it? How do you know where natural instincts stop and a 'problem' with co-dependency starts?
In my mind, where the trouble starts is when a person is confronted with a barrage of confusing, abusive, controlling and manipulative behavior, our natural instinct compass goes haywire. We then enter a type of fog and nothing is clear anymore. And they take advantage of this and feed it and make it grow, until you can see anything straight anymore--another control.
You are not too lazy to do what you must. You have been abused and confused and that makes it really hard to act or choose a path that you need. But you are stronger than you know.
I am so glad you found us. This is a wonderful site and believe me, my eyes have been opened by reading here. Keep posting and work through the fog so that you can make good choices for your little ones! Congrats!
In my mind, where the trouble starts is when a person is confronted with a barrage of confusing, abusive, controlling and manipulative behavior, our natural instinct compass goes haywire. We then enter a type of fog and nothing is clear anymore. And they take advantage of this and feed it and make it grow, until you can see anything straight anymore--another control.
You are not too lazy to do what you must. You have been abused and confused and that makes it really hard to act or choose a path that you need. But you are stronger than you know.
I am so glad you found us. This is a wonderful site and believe me, my eyes have been opened by reading here. Keep posting and work through the fog so that you can make good choices for your little ones! Congrats!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, thelightdawns, glad you're here!
I eventually learned it's very simple: am I living the life I want? If the answer is yes, carry on. If the answer is no, do something about it, but don't look to someone else to make it happen.
Very early in our relationship AH let me know who he was - a lying, manipulative alcoholic. I convinced myself he was a good man underneath it all. Eighteen years later we are divorcing and while somewhere under there may be the good man he kept telling me he was, I can look back and say I chose a relationship that did not make me happy.
Today I get less hung up on labels like co-dependency and even alcoholic; I think it fogs the real issue: do I like my life?
I eventually learned it's very simple: am I living the life I want? If the answer is yes, carry on. If the answer is no, do something about it, but don't look to someone else to make it happen.
Very early in our relationship AH let me know who he was - a lying, manipulative alcoholic. I convinced myself he was a good man underneath it all. Eighteen years later we are divorcing and while somewhere under there may be the good man he kept telling me he was, I can look back and say I chose a relationship that did not make me happy.
Today I get less hung up on labels like co-dependency and even alcoholic; I think it fogs the real issue: do I like my life?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Welcome! Boy does your alcoholic husband sound like my x-alcoholic boyfriend. Very similar with the lies, manipulations, etc. You are in a vastly different situation, however, with the twins on the way, whereas I was dating. I could lay down the boundaries, and separate a lot easier.
Sure, we're going to say to go to Alanon, and post on here, do a lot of reading, etc. You're going to have to figure out what you need to do to keep yourself and your babies safe from the abuse. We'll be here to listen and pray for you!
Sure, we're going to say to go to Alanon, and post on here, do a lot of reading, etc. You're going to have to figure out what you need to do to keep yourself and your babies safe from the abuse. We'll be here to listen and pray for you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
thelightdawns,
I wish you the strength to find your way to a life that you really want.
You seem very level headed, calm, and strong. Only you can decide whether you want your twins to turn out like your boyfriend.
Because if you stay, they will. It's really as simple as that. Kids learn by modeling, and they will learn everything they need to know about responsibility, about telling the truth, and about how to treat other people from your boyfriend.
You know this already, I can tell. If this isn't something you really want to have happen, you may want to start taking the steps toward building a life away from the madness of alcoholism where they can grow up in a normal, loving home.
It will take effort. If YOU feel that you're being lazy - if you know what you have to do for you and your children and you're just not doing it because it's comfortable and familiar to you to stay as things are, then you should act on it rather than wait. After your twins are born, it will become fifty times harder to leave, and the financial and legal ties between you will create a world of trouble. Ask any of the parents here who have to share custody with an abusive alcoholic ex. Ask the lady here locally whose children were killed by her alcoholic ex-husband (who legally had partial custody) driving drunk.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and an abusive jerk will, 90% of the time, stay an abusive jerk. You just have to ask yourself: Is that what you want for you & your kids? Is that really the best you were hoping for out of life?
Sending hugs and strength -- and energy!! -- to do what's right for you.
Love,
GL
I wish you the strength to find your way to a life that you really want.
You seem very level headed, calm, and strong. Only you can decide whether you want your twins to turn out like your boyfriend.
Because if you stay, they will. It's really as simple as that. Kids learn by modeling, and they will learn everything they need to know about responsibility, about telling the truth, and about how to treat other people from your boyfriend.
You know this already, I can tell. If this isn't something you really want to have happen, you may want to start taking the steps toward building a life away from the madness of alcoholism where they can grow up in a normal, loving home.
It will take effort. If YOU feel that you're being lazy - if you know what you have to do for you and your children and you're just not doing it because it's comfortable and familiar to you to stay as things are, then you should act on it rather than wait. After your twins are born, it will become fifty times harder to leave, and the financial and legal ties between you will create a world of trouble. Ask any of the parents here who have to share custody with an abusive alcoholic ex. Ask the lady here locally whose children were killed by her alcoholic ex-husband (who legally had partial custody) driving drunk.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and an abusive jerk will, 90% of the time, stay an abusive jerk. You just have to ask yourself: Is that what you want for you & your kids? Is that really the best you were hoping for out of life?
Sending hugs and strength -- and energy!! -- to do what's right for you.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: nashville, tn
Posts: 28
Run Forest Run
Those precious children need to know and experience the highs of nature, blowing bubbles, family outings, sunshine, fresh raindrops, smiles, acceptance for "just being", postings of first steps, love - peace, love and happiness. My feeling is that your AB will show them first hand, eventually --- that his joy comes from a bottle, so why bother with the joys of life.
Your babies are so very important...and they need as much of you as possible. How will he react to them being the "rock stars" in your life. I am thinking you will see the worst.
Get your act together - the best that you can - starting from ground zero is not the worst thing. Prepare for giving your babies the love, care, devotion they deserve.
Your babies are so very important...and they need as much of you as possible. How will he react to them being the "rock stars" in your life. I am thinking you will see the worst.
Get your act together - the best that you can - starting from ground zero is not the worst thing. Prepare for giving your babies the love, care, devotion they deserve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions. I have every intention of making sure my children grow up in a stable environment. My biggest fear is that if I let their father stick around then I may not be able to be the kind of mother I want to be. I dont want to be an angry/upset/vulnerable/stressed out/broke Mum, which is what I am afraid will happen if I stay with him. That is in my hands though.
I guess on the other hand I am also thinking (selfishly) that I want to share their birth and as many milestones with him as I can while things are still bearable. Not for his sake though. For mine. He may also be a help with them, as I will have my hands full. We have been through a lot ( me more, lol, we nearly lost them a few times) with this pregnancy and I feel no-one else can/will understand.
Then the wind changes and I think 'you cheating B*****D!' rot in hell. LOL.
Aaaaah the confusion.............
I guess on the other hand I am also thinking (selfishly) that I want to share their birth and as many milestones with him as I can while things are still bearable. Not for his sake though. For mine. He may also be a help with them, as I will have my hands full. We have been through a lot ( me more, lol, we nearly lost them a few times) with this pregnancy and I feel no-one else can/will understand.
Then the wind changes and I think 'you cheating B*****D!' rot in hell. LOL.
Aaaaah the confusion.............
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by thelightdawns 
I guess on the other hand I am also thinking (selfishly) that I want to share their birth and as many milestones with him as I can while things are still bearable.
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by thelightdawns
Thanks everyone for your kind words and suggestions. I have every intention of making sure my children grow up in a stable environment. My biggest fear is that if I let their father stick around then I may not be able to be the kind of mother I want to be. I dont want to be an angry/upset/vulnerable/stressed out/broke Mum, which is what I am afraid will happen if I stay with him. That is in my hands though.
I guess on the other hand I am also thinking (selfishly) that I want to share their birth and as many milestones with him as I can while things are still bearable. Not for his sake though. For mine. He may also be a help with them, as I will have my hands full. We have been through a lot ( me more, lol, we nearly lost them a few times) with this pregnancy and I feel no-one else can/will understand.
Then the wind changes and I think 'you cheating B*****D!' rot in hell. LOL.
Aaaaah the confusion.............
I guess on the other hand I am also thinking (selfishly) that I want to share their birth and as many milestones with him as I can while things are still bearable. Not for his sake though. For mine. He may also be a help with them, as I will have my hands full. We have been through a lot ( me more, lol, we nearly lost them a few times) with this pregnancy and I feel no-one else can/will understand.
Then the wind changes and I think 'you cheating B*****D!' rot in hell. LOL.
Aaaaah the confusion.............
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Auburn, MA
Posts: 14
Hi Light.. first of all - you poor thing. Being pregnant and going through all this. Good lord honey, you are strong. Secondly, I kicked my AH out - he was gone for 2 years. I had a 3 year old and a 4 month old when I kicked him out. Let me tell you... it was the toughest time of my entire life. No question. But, I knew my kids were safe with me (barring the times I got so frustrated I wanted to strangle the little buggers). I knew they weren't going to see daddy stumble in and acting "weird" and making my son sad and scared - hearing daddy yell at mommy - seeing mommy cry because daddy is going to "drive" again. Yes, those times were the toughest of my life... but my kids were safe. And that is your responsibility now - your sole responsibility - because he can't think rationally. You may have to sacrifice for the sake of your children..... but at least in 50 years you can sit in your rocking chair and say you did what was RIGHT. I think you know what's right.. but I know, it's easier said than done. I know that very well. Good luck to you darling. You are in my prayers.
PS. My husband is back with me and has been sober for 3 years. He is a wonderful husband and my best friend. But it took him literally dying and being brought back to life for him to hit his rock bottom.
PS. My husband is back with me and has been sober for 3 years. He is a wonderful husband and my best friend. But it took him literally dying and being brought back to life for him to hit his rock bottom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
IMHO, this is a very dangerous attitude. I for one, can attest to the progression of accepting the unacceptable. You start out saying I will never accept (fill in the blank) in my life. Before you know it, it is happening. So you say well, maybe that's not so bad after all, but I will never accept (fill in a more horrible blank). Once again--it happens and once again you stay. And on it goes until you cannot comprehend how life got so out of control. You've already stated he is abusive, controlling, manipulative, and unfaithful. And that's bearable? I can only imagine how far he would have to go to make it unbearable............
L
L
I am seeing a counselor.
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