Avoiding Rescuing
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Avoiding Rescuing
Ten Rules to Avoid Rescues:
Although there are many ways of Rescuing an alcoholic, some ways are typical. Here are ten of them:
1. When three or more suggestions to an alcoholic have been rejects you are Rescuing. Instead, offer one or two, and wait to see whether they are acceptable. If they are not, stop making suggestions. Don't play "Why don't you… Yes, but…"
2. It's O.K. to investigate possible therapists for an alcoholic, but never make an appointment for him or her. Any therapist who is willing to make an appointment with an alcoholic through a third arson is probably a potential Rescuer and eventual Persecutor.
3. Do not remove liquor, pour liquor down the drain, or look for hidden stashes of liquor in an alcoholic's house, unless you're asked to do so by the alcoholic. Conversely, do not ever buy, serve, mix for, or offer alcohol to an alcoholic.
4. Do not engage in lengthy conversations about alcoholism or a person's alcoholic problem while the person is drunk or drinking; that will be a waste of time and energy, and will be completely forgotten by him in most cases when he sobers up.
5. Never lend money to a drinking alcoholic. Do not allow a drunk alcoholic to come to your house, or, worse, drink in your house. Instead, in as loving and nurturing a way as possible, ask to see her again when she is sober.
6. Do not get involved in errands repair jobs, cleanups, long drives, pickups, or deliveries for an alcoholic who is not actively participating in fighting his alcoholism.
7. When you are relating to an alcoholic, do not commit the common error of seeing only the good and justifying the bad. "He's so wonderful when he's sober" is a common mistake people make with respect to alcoholics. The alcoholic is a whole person, and his personality includes both his good and bad parts. They cannot be separated from each other. Either take the whole person or none at all. If the balance comes out consistently in the red, it is foolish to look only on the credit side.
8. Do not remain silent on the subject of another's alcoholism. Don't hesitate to express yourself freely on the subject, what you don't like, what you won't stand for, what you think about it, what you want or how it makes you feel. But don't do it with the expectation of being thanked or creating a change; it’s not likely to happen. Do it just to be on the record. Often your outspoken attitude will be taken seriously and appreciated, though it may not bring about any immediate changes. Just as often it will unleash a barrage of defensiveness and even anger which you should staunchly absorb without weakening.
9. Be aware of not doing anything that you don't want to do for the alcoholic. It is bad enough if you commit any of the above mistakes willingly. But when you add to them the complications of doing them when you would prefer not to, you are compounding your mistake and fostering an eventual Persecution.
10. Never believe that an alcoholic is hopeless. Keep your willingness to help ready, offer it often, and make it available whenever you detect a genuine interest and effort on the alcoholics part. When that happens, don't overreact, but help cautiously and without Rescuing; doing only what you want to do, and no more than your share.
If you want to read a whole lot more, check out
http://www.emotional-literacy.com/hea1.htm
After you've read the first section, click on the link at the bottom to move through the next 2.
Although there are many ways of Rescuing an alcoholic, some ways are typical. Here are ten of them:
1. When three or more suggestions to an alcoholic have been rejects you are Rescuing. Instead, offer one or two, and wait to see whether they are acceptable. If they are not, stop making suggestions. Don't play "Why don't you… Yes, but…"
2. It's O.K. to investigate possible therapists for an alcoholic, but never make an appointment for him or her. Any therapist who is willing to make an appointment with an alcoholic through a third arson is probably a potential Rescuer and eventual Persecutor.
3. Do not remove liquor, pour liquor down the drain, or look for hidden stashes of liquor in an alcoholic's house, unless you're asked to do so by the alcoholic. Conversely, do not ever buy, serve, mix for, or offer alcohol to an alcoholic.
4. Do not engage in lengthy conversations about alcoholism or a person's alcoholic problem while the person is drunk or drinking; that will be a waste of time and energy, and will be completely forgotten by him in most cases when he sobers up.
5. Never lend money to a drinking alcoholic. Do not allow a drunk alcoholic to come to your house, or, worse, drink in your house. Instead, in as loving and nurturing a way as possible, ask to see her again when she is sober.
6. Do not get involved in errands repair jobs, cleanups, long drives, pickups, or deliveries for an alcoholic who is not actively participating in fighting his alcoholism.
7. When you are relating to an alcoholic, do not commit the common error of seeing only the good and justifying the bad. "He's so wonderful when he's sober" is a common mistake people make with respect to alcoholics. The alcoholic is a whole person, and his personality includes both his good and bad parts. They cannot be separated from each other. Either take the whole person or none at all. If the balance comes out consistently in the red, it is foolish to look only on the credit side.
8. Do not remain silent on the subject of another's alcoholism. Don't hesitate to express yourself freely on the subject, what you don't like, what you won't stand for, what you think about it, what you want or how it makes you feel. But don't do it with the expectation of being thanked or creating a change; it’s not likely to happen. Do it just to be on the record. Often your outspoken attitude will be taken seriously and appreciated, though it may not bring about any immediate changes. Just as often it will unleash a barrage of defensiveness and even anger which you should staunchly absorb without weakening.
9. Be aware of not doing anything that you don't want to do for the alcoholic. It is bad enough if you commit any of the above mistakes willingly. But when you add to them the complications of doing them when you would prefer not to, you are compounding your mistake and fostering an eventual Persecution.
10. Never believe that an alcoholic is hopeless. Keep your willingness to help ready, offer it often, and make it available whenever you detect a genuine interest and effort on the alcoholics part. When that happens, don't overreact, but help cautiously and without Rescuing; doing only what you want to do, and no more than your share.
If you want to read a whole lot more, check out
http://www.emotional-literacy.com/hea1.htm
After you've read the first section, click on the link at the bottom to move through the next 2.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
You know, learning how not to rescue made such a massive difference in my life. Still does, actually, although I am no longer dealing with a drinker.
Also, I have been re-reading the link that is posted above and I am still blown away by the ideas presented. I am a huge fan of Transactional Analysis anyway. I'd be interested to hear what others think if they have time to read it all.
Also, I have been re-reading the link that is posted above and I am still blown away by the ideas presented. I am a huge fan of Transactional Analysis anyway. I'd be interested to hear what others think if they have time to read it all.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Minnie, what a fascinating link! At first when reading "Alcoholism is a Game" I was strongly disagreeing. But as I went on, I could see his argument. Very interesting! Thanks for the link -- I intend to read more of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by minnie 
I'd be interested to hear what others think if they have time to read it all.
That said, I think there are many problem drinkers, alcohol abusers, etc. who can be 'trained." I make a distinction between those and "true" alcoholics.
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