The Party's Over

Old 10-22-2007, 01:22 PM
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The Party's Over

I read this in the paper yesterday and thought I would share. It is a weekly "problem page" and I liked Mariella's cut-to-the-chase style. And, needless to say, I agree with her wholeheartedly. (My bold text)


'My husband drinks, smokes dope and gets nothing done, and if he's sober he won't talk to me. His first wife couldn't change him. Now I'm worried about our future together...'

Mariella Frostrup
Sunday October 21, 2007
The Observer

The dilemma

I am at the end of my tether with my husband. We only recently got married, but I am frustrated and extremely resentful. All he does is smoke dope or drink, and it really is not fun being with him. He promises to do stuff around the house, but never gets around to it: he hasn't decorated the spare room (a year later it is still not done), mowed the lawn or stopped smoking indoors. When we first met it was just sex and drugs and drink, which was OK for a while, but is now wearing very thin. Having said this, I know that he loves me and, I imagine, would be devastated if I left him. But I really cannot imagine a lifetime of this. He is not violent towards me; in fact, he is very loving in a drunk, stoned kind of way. Also, if he is sober or not stoned he does not have a lot to say to me. We are so not on the same wavelength. I am worried and really don't know what to do. His first wife unsuccessfully asked him to give up the dope, so I can't see him doing it for me either. At weekends I am alone all the time, as he is stoned and falls asleep at around 8pm! I could be out every weekend having a ball and a torrid affair and he would not have a clue. What should I do?

Mariella: Maybe that's the best plan. Who knows, when he finally catches on to the fact that you're not there, he might even miss you. Or are you displaying worrying signs of copycat behavioural desires, just not with the bloke you tied the knot with? I'll deal with your husband in a second, but first I need to address a couple of my thoughts to you. Men are forever complaining about women who fall in love with them as they are, then try to change them. Most of the time they really haven't got a leg to stand on; if someone you've just promised to share your life with starts coming home plastered at 3am every Saturday, it's fair to point out that they're not living up to their commitment - but with you he would have a point. Your husband has already been through one marriage where attempts were made to rehabilitate him. I don't know if he waited until it was over before you two got together, but whatever the details, he must have been delighted to stumble over you. You embarked on a relationship with him that was based on sex, drugs and drink, and now you're complaining that it defines your marriage? Why should he be under pressure to change when he's been pretty reliable in staying the same? I agree it's no fun to spend your days with a dopehead, but he has hardly misrepresented himself. Nagging about his sloth-like behaviour won't help: as he's been through one such marriage, yours is a chorus of disapproval he's wholly accustomed to.

So if you really love this man and think that the relationship has a future, you need to be brave and decisive. Or you may have made a grave mistake and are entangled with someone who shares none of your interests, ambitions or lifestyle choices. The good news is that the same action is required either way. If you're a regular reader you'll know I rarely advise quitting a partnership. It's just too easy, from where I'm sitting, to see both sides of the argument. In your case I'm not so sure. Even though judging your husband purely because he hasn't changed is quite harsh, I do understand that you don't want to be stuck in a dead-end relationship. Right now nothing is propelling this man to change his life. He's used to nagging and he's actually got what he wants: you, his dope and the unremitting focus of your attention, negative though it may be. You can't ban the drugs with any hope of success, but you can draw the line. Either his antique lifestyle needs to go, or you do. I suspect it's the only way to force him from his inertia into making a choice.

There are pitfalls - he may decide he doesn't love you as much as he thought in the hazy glow of stoner land - so you need to be committed to whatever action you take. There's nothing less convincing than ultimatums that you have no intention of living up to. Are you frustrated and angry enough to go through with leaving him if you have to? If not, you are guilty of equal inertia but just dressed differently.

If you decide to do something, make sure you have a place to go to and then give your spouse a realistic deadline. He either pulls himself together before it expires or is free to stay in bed all day because you won't be there to endure it. He may be truly committed to his way of life - he's maintained it through two marriages, after all, so losing you may be worth it in order to preserve the status quo. Should that be the case, you'll still have made the right choice. It's my humble opinion that sharing your life with a child is only bearable if they are under 16.
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