New and trying to grow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
New and trying to grow
Hi all. I am new to this forum. My A and I recently separated after the marriage counselor said we should.
My A and I were married 13 yrs,he drank 11 of them and also gambled away several times everything, he has been sober 2 years. I'll try to make the long story short. Two yrs ago, I said I could not do not do this any more, remain in the marraige with him drunk 24/7, at work, at home and him getting more and more nasty. That night he said I'm quitting drinking, which he did. He did start going to AA the next day. A week later, he withdrew from me. There was never to be any intimacy again. I lived for 2 years with the constant roller coaster of I love you but I am not in love with you. We became essentially room mates. The last few months of the marriage he would lie about any and everything, it didn't matter. I began going to Al Anon in March, went I hit my rock bottom. Slowly through the meetings and literature I began to find me again. I smiled more, I enjoyed the simple things again but still my heart was in agony over the relationship. I learned through AlAnon that indeed things may never get better unless he actually worked the steps and myself also. He would say he was going to but had no follow through, just like always. I accepted that was his issue to deal with not mine, I had to work on making the best me possible. I am doing that. I also came to face how unhappy I was, how much insanity still existed , how he still with lies kept the insanity going. Two months ago I knew it was make or break time, he agreed to my face to go to counseling together. I learned later he told others it was just to shut me up.
My dilemma of the moment , if you will is, is the legal process involved in this. I have prayed endlessly for guidance. I am disabled, receiving just over 600/mo, there is no savings to draw on, long ago gambled away. Debts are high. To retain an attorney here is 2500., money I do not have. I did see the best attorney in town, only after getting wind that, that is who the A was going to try to retain, essentially blocking the A from going there at least. The attorney is cut throat, it bothered me greatly. My eldest daughter, 28, is all up in this mess, she has also always been my biggest critic in life. She suggested legal mediation. I received the contract papers from the mediator and need 440 by the 1st, I have no way to get that kind of money. The lawyer I saw asked for 225 if I came back and would take payments. I also know the A has said he doesn't want to pay more than 500/mo between child support and alimony, we have an 11 yr old together. I am so torn as what to do, return to this attorney where I know I can truly look out for me or go through with this mediation where he doesn't even have to prove his income to mine. My eldest daughter said to go to the attorney is not not cool. I have no family beyond my children and friends were run off long ago by the A. I have no one to talk to about all this, no where to vent, empty my thoughts.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Aspiring.... a better life
My A and I were married 13 yrs,he drank 11 of them and also gambled away several times everything, he has been sober 2 years. I'll try to make the long story short. Two yrs ago, I said I could not do not do this any more, remain in the marraige with him drunk 24/7, at work, at home and him getting more and more nasty. That night he said I'm quitting drinking, which he did. He did start going to AA the next day. A week later, he withdrew from me. There was never to be any intimacy again. I lived for 2 years with the constant roller coaster of I love you but I am not in love with you. We became essentially room mates. The last few months of the marriage he would lie about any and everything, it didn't matter. I began going to Al Anon in March, went I hit my rock bottom. Slowly through the meetings and literature I began to find me again. I smiled more, I enjoyed the simple things again but still my heart was in agony over the relationship. I learned through AlAnon that indeed things may never get better unless he actually worked the steps and myself also. He would say he was going to but had no follow through, just like always. I accepted that was his issue to deal with not mine, I had to work on making the best me possible. I am doing that. I also came to face how unhappy I was, how much insanity still existed , how he still with lies kept the insanity going. Two months ago I knew it was make or break time, he agreed to my face to go to counseling together. I learned later he told others it was just to shut me up.
My dilemma of the moment , if you will is, is the legal process involved in this. I have prayed endlessly for guidance. I am disabled, receiving just over 600/mo, there is no savings to draw on, long ago gambled away. Debts are high. To retain an attorney here is 2500., money I do not have. I did see the best attorney in town, only after getting wind that, that is who the A was going to try to retain, essentially blocking the A from going there at least. The attorney is cut throat, it bothered me greatly. My eldest daughter, 28, is all up in this mess, she has also always been my biggest critic in life. She suggested legal mediation. I received the contract papers from the mediator and need 440 by the 1st, I have no way to get that kind of money. The lawyer I saw asked for 225 if I came back and would take payments. I also know the A has said he doesn't want to pay more than 500/mo between child support and alimony, we have an 11 yr old together. I am so torn as what to do, return to this attorney where I know I can truly look out for me or go through with this mediation where he doesn't even have to prove his income to mine. My eldest daughter said to go to the attorney is not not cool. I have no family beyond my children and friends were run off long ago by the A. I have no one to talk to about all this, no where to vent, empty my thoughts.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Aspiring.... a better life
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Aspiring (great name by the way)! Glad to have you here.
I'm sorry you've been going through so much. But I'm glad you are seeking assistance through Alanon and working to make a better life for yourself.
I don't have any knowledge on what to suggest regarding the legal questions you have asked. I'm sure others that have been through it will come along shortly and offer their experience on it.
In the meantime, welcome to SR. Keep coming back.
I'm sorry you've been going through so much. But I'm glad you are seeking assistance through Alanon and working to make a better life for yourself.
I don't have any knowledge on what to suggest regarding the legal questions you have asked. I'm sure others that have been through it will come along shortly and offer their experience on it.
In the meantime, welcome to SR. Keep coming back.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Can you check into the Legal Aid Society? With your disabilities, you might be eligible some free help. Also, can you check with your local social services...they might be able to direct you to a lawyer that would work within your means?
Welcome here. This place has been a lifesaver for me and you will love all the people here. Keep coming back and read the stickies at the top...great resources.
I am sorry you are going through all this, but so glad you are taking care of yourself!
Welcome here. This place has been a lifesaver for me and you will love all the people here. Keep coming back and read the stickies at the top...great resources.
I am sorry you are going through all this, but so glad you are taking care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: bucks county,pa
Posts: 3
i'm in the same exact situation. 13 years, drank the last 4 years, couldn't take anymore, then he decided to curb his alcohol and gambling to only when he travels, (he's so unhappy)and now he states he loves me but is not in love with me anymore.not one ounce of care, no anything, i also have medical disabilities and he is now now ready to leave me and trash around 1 million in properties and assets.he is worse now then he was before.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Divorce Lawyers
Hi,
I, too, was going to recommend Community Action or Social Services. My state doesn't have alimony just some help until the divorce is final. The child support is good in our state if the working spouse, husband in this case, has a good income.
We can do a "Do it yourself Divorce" used only if both parties can agree. Then if there are children the parents have to go to a parenting class for several sessions.
Also a parenting plan for visitation has to be completed. Then the papers are filed with the court and you wait for a court date to be set up.
My second divorce required an attorney because I needed AIR TIGHT custody rules and complete custody of our daughter. In the 80's I had to put down $500 and pay the remaining monies when divorce became final. I met with the lawyer several times and he did everything for me so I didn't have to go to court for anything...even the restraining orders. I had to sell our home so used my share of $1500 to pay my lawyer in full. My husband's share all went to the back house payments.
My EX had been hauled into court for non-complience several times before the same judge that finalized the divorce so I got what support my lawyer asked for. He went higher than what was the norm...to be sure he got the norm...but got what he asked for which was $300 a month for our daughter.
This day an age makes it so hard to get a divorce when there is legal property and several children because these days many people don't make enough to pay a retainer fee. As it was, my take-home pay was only $600 a month so I wouldn't have been able to stay in the house since we had just started buying it seven years before so there wasn't much equity in the house. Anyway I asked my Aunt & Uncle to put down the $500 and they did. My parents were helping me pay the utility bills and such until I could get things in order.
I suppose you don't have anyone that can help you. That is sad. I will be thinkng of you and your daughter. Good luck. Remember...where there is a will there is a way.
kelsh :praying
I, too, was going to recommend Community Action or Social Services. My state doesn't have alimony just some help until the divorce is final. The child support is good in our state if the working spouse, husband in this case, has a good income.
We can do a "Do it yourself Divorce" used only if both parties can agree. Then if there are children the parents have to go to a parenting class for several sessions.
Also a parenting plan for visitation has to be completed. Then the papers are filed with the court and you wait for a court date to be set up.
My second divorce required an attorney because I needed AIR TIGHT custody rules and complete custody of our daughter. In the 80's I had to put down $500 and pay the remaining monies when divorce became final. I met with the lawyer several times and he did everything for me so I didn't have to go to court for anything...even the restraining orders. I had to sell our home so used my share of $1500 to pay my lawyer in full. My husband's share all went to the back house payments.
My EX had been hauled into court for non-complience several times before the same judge that finalized the divorce so I got what support my lawyer asked for. He went higher than what was the norm...to be sure he got the norm...but got what he asked for which was $300 a month for our daughter.
This day an age makes it so hard to get a divorce when there is legal property and several children because these days many people don't make enough to pay a retainer fee. As it was, my take-home pay was only $600 a month so I wouldn't have been able to stay in the house since we had just started buying it seven years before so there wasn't much equity in the house. Anyway I asked my Aunt & Uncle to put down the $500 and they did. My parents were helping me pay the utility bills and such until I could get things in order.
I suppose you don't have anyone that can help you. That is sad. I will be thinkng of you and your daughter. Good luck. Remember...where there is a will there is a way.
kelsh :praying
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, aspiring- glad you're here!
Have you shared about this at a meeting? You never know - I shared once about what was going on in my life and a woman approached me after; she was a family law attorney. She has helped me on occasion when I've had doubts about my own attorneys. Someone may know someone, etc.
I would see the attorney. If I had a daughter who was my biggest critic, I'd stop talking to her about it. I would save all my strength and energy to do what is right for me, not what someone else thinks I should do.
Keep posting and take care. ((()))
Have you shared about this at a meeting? You never know - I shared once about what was going on in my life and a woman approached me after; she was a family law attorney. She has helped me on occasion when I've had doubts about my own attorneys. Someone may know someone, etc.
I would see the attorney. If I had a daughter who was my biggest critic, I'd stop talking to her about it. I would save all my strength and energy to do what is right for me, not what someone else thinks I should do.
Keep posting and take care. ((()))
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