Three years now.....
 

Hello all.

I’ve been posting here now since 11/04 and it will soon be three years of posting.


The beginning posts of mine will show someone who was totally lost.

I’m saying that I can relate to those who are new here. The denial of it all and the utter hope that things will get better between my ex wife and I kept me in a tailspin.

You see like all of you that have posted, I felt that she was the one, the love of me life.
I’ve never seen anyone post here that they were married to the worst person in the world and could not wait to get out of their own private hell. Those people who felt that way were healthy enough to get out of their nightmare on their own and did not need to be here.

Yes I said healthy enough.

Yes I was married to a very deadly alcoholic. I say that because of everything she could get away with and everyone let her. A very beautiful woman, charming and the life of the party. Everyone loved her; everyone saw the persona that she gave him or her. I saw this also, but lived with the darker version of it all.

I look back and now see that I should have seen signs that there were problems when I started seeing her, but I was mesmerized bet this girl. That and the fact that both my Mom and Grandmother were alcoholics and I was used to behavior that I never really looked at.

There were a couple times we had went out and she had too much to drink and became a monster. Hitting screaming and completely gone. After she remembered nothing, a total blackout from what I will learn later.

I tell you if I knew then what I know now; I never would have married her. I hear of those who marry a person knowing full well that they are alcoholic thinking things will get better. I sit in utter disbelief at those.

Hindsight of course is 20/20.


As in my wife the person drinks to handle their inner problem never has dealt with things inside. She had a lot to deal with and still does. Her way of dealing with her inner demons was to drink and take drugs.
Her denial of her problem still takes her down the path of destruction and her choices are self-evident.

I had found myself suddenly alone. After years of living with her and her son I was by myself. I really did not know what to do.
I was used to taking care of someone. Watching her every move. Doing everything for HER.

I had worked, cleaned the house, shopped, cooked and took care of her. She really did nothing but drink, go to the club and work, and then come home and pass out.

The drinking was very progressive and so were the outbursts. Though the years little by little things got more distorted and before I knew it they were completely out of control.

I had started Alanon the week she took off. It was a long road. I was so sure that I wanted her back, if only she would get sober, if only she would see what I was doing if only… if only…..


There were many dark days for me; sometime I did not care to go on. I thought it would be better to die then feel the way I did.
I had lost my family, my job and I had no money, things were bleak to say the least.

I did not get it at first. It took me some time and it will take a lot of you some time. The main thing I needed to do was work and focus on me.

Why was I will to just accept an unhealthy relationship with someone who did not give a rat’s butt about the relationship much less herself or me?
Was I that needy? Was it so damn important that she saw the light?
Did I have that power?

Self-discovery was my saving grace. Alanon and a good sponsor got me through it.
I posted like crazy here and talked to lot of wonderful people.

I many commitments at meetings and started a new job.
I got back on track and slowly came into my own and left her behind in my thoughts.
I was lucky now that I look back on it because she took off and left. It forced me to do something. I did not have to leave myself and who know the crap I might still be in if we were still together.

I went though a lot of backsliding. Calling her, checking up on her, begging for our marriage.

I see so much of my past actions in those who write here


Now three years later I have a good job, a new car, money in my pocket and most of all my serenity.
A new lease on life so to speak.
My ex on the other hand is still out there spinning.
Two more DUI’s, jail time, anther failed marriage and has been beat up by her past two men.
Yes her choices are still astounding.
As wasted life to say the least and it pains me to see it.
But as you will all learn, it is their life, not ours.



My reason for my posting today is tell you that have not learned, that things can get better if you want them to.

You need to make the effort though and you can not wait for the other person to do so.

Our time is very short on this planet and making the most of the time we have left is very important. You will meet new people and new relationships will form.
Yes love does come around again and life does go on.

Things are not always as bad as they seem once you lift the Vail of disbelief and you will move forward.

Taking care of yourself and your children are so very important. Being a good example of strength and courage will help them in their later years.

Yes it will work out for all of you if you take those steps.
After these 3 years I can tell you it will.

Be good to yourselves, and God bless.


Mr. C
:supernan

thank you so much for that post, i really needed it. i am going through so much right now and even though i have made the decision to leave (he refuses to leave) i still feel so overwhelmed and confused. i know it's never going to get better and financially i am all but ruined, writing bad checks hoping they won't clear till i get paid, always in the hole. all his money goes on his drinking and it really p***** me off. but needless to say i know what i have to do, i just need to do it.

thanks for listening to my ramble

reminds me of one of my favorite sayings....let go or be dragged..

hugs, k

Thank you for sharing, Mr. C.

I remember you when you first came mr c and you are a miracle.


Ngaire

Mr C, I want to be just like you when I grow up!!!:a194:

Way to go Mr. C !!!

And a special thanks from me for being a friend and introducing me to SR! It has been a God Send in my recovery!

Its good to know we are not in this alone!!!!!!

thanks for sharing mr.c. very inspirational post. thank you for all your help to me when i needed a few words of reality.

Allright Mr. C!! Well done and congratulations. Just imagine how much more sane and serene you're gonna be when you have _six_!!!

Mike :)

Wow, everything you wrote hit very close to home, very similiar situation for me. But the above quote really sank in.

I'm currently at the point of hoping for pure chaos to fall upon the XAGF, then vasilate toward wishing peace and sober recovery for her.........

Then I start to think about working my program and realise that neither of the above are the correct way to feel because they still are about wanting to change the alcoholic, instead of keeping the focus on myself.

Mr. C, you are an inspiration to who I want to become. All in due time. Thank you for you post!

tollbooth

Thanks Mr. C - I remember you back in those days. It was a rough road, but you came through it wiser and healthier. Your post has really given me an injection of "backbone" to keep pushing forward. Hey, I'm in Phoenix and there's a huge job fair tomorrow, plus I'm going to be attending some meetings and looking into a place to live.

Life DOES get better if we keep believing in ourselves and pushing forward. Great post!

I came to SR only a few months after I kicked my husband out of the house. I remember reading posts like yours and thinking--geez, do I have to wait 2 or 3 years to get better. I want to get better now! It takes what it takes and the last two years have flown by for me.

I remember reading your posts when I first came here and thinking, I don't know what to say to this guy. He seeems so confused. :) So I didn't say much of anything. You were confused and enmeshed at the same time I was. Now we are better. Not perfect, but better.

Here's to ya, Mr. C. You know how to say the most with the fewest words, and I love ya for that.

L

Hey Mr C, I remember when you first got here. You have always been really open and honest in sharing your struggles. It's been awesome to see you embrace recovery and work your program. Thanks for continuing to share your experience, strength and hope. Before you know it, you'll be one of The Elders. LOL

Hugs
Cats

Thanks so much for this thread, Mr. C! I know when I first came to SR it didn't take long to learn that you were a straight talking, no fluff, tell it like it is kinda guy! And over the past few months I've realized how right you are...things aren't always so bad, the vail can come off and life does go on--if we want it to!

Thanks for letting us see the real you under that super-hero exterior!

:supernan

:)

Where did that time go?

Thanks for all your posts; I've learned a lot from you. Glad you sound so good,too....you are an inspiration.

Mr. C....Your posts have helped me so much recently since I have joined here. You are straightforeward and to the point....cut right thru to the heart of things. I am so glad to know how well you are doing and look forward to getting where you are. Your courage to look at yourself and grow and heal is such an inspiration!
:a194:

Mr. C. Thank you for your post.

This was the most difficult for me and I still struggle with this. Thanks for reminding me that as long as I keep walking, I'll be out of this dark tunnel before too long.

Thanks Mr C

Thank you, you've always been very insightful and very helpful. So few words but always the much needed right ones! Thanks again, it's so nice to have a male perspective that I/we can count on.

thanx for the post