Does it get better?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2
Does it get better?
Hi,
I just searched the internet for a forum like this where I could get some advice.
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for about 8 months. When we started dating he was sober and was dedicated to living his life for Christ. He was doing so well and was such an inspiration for so many people- including me. I had never known any other man with such a strong heart for God. I have always felt like drinking was not for me, and when I met my boyfriend I thought that God put this desire to not drink in me, because he can't be with someone who drinks. We built such a wonderful relationship, but then about a month ago he started having problems with relapsing after over a year of sobriety. I wouldn't be able to get ahold of him and then I would find out it was because he was drinking. And each time he would tell me that he didn't want to live like that anymore and he wanted to turn his life around again. But then it kept happening, and he'd keep making promises to never see me hurt because of him. Last weekend I found him drunk and then the next day we had a really good conversation and I was really optimistic. He said all he could do was show me that he could do it again. Then this weekend I found out he was drinking again, and I completely lost it. It breaks my heart because I feel like he's choosing alcohol over our relationship. So many people are telling me that I need to back out of this relationship, at least until he gets himself straightened out. But I really don't know what to do. It seems that either way I lose. If I stick around I could be dragged down into this cycle of alcoholism that he's trying to escape, and I could really be hurt. I don't know if I can handle going through this over and over again. But if I leave him, I lose my heart. I love him so much and I don't want to give up, but I want to be realistic also. If I stay am I enabling him? How many chances should I give him? How can I possibly leave him when I love him so much. I was so sure that God had a plan for us together, and I can't be wrong about that. It's breaking my heart having to make this decision and I don't know what to do. So I could really use some advice from people who know what I'm going through.
I just searched the internet for a forum like this where I could get some advice.
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic for about 8 months. When we started dating he was sober and was dedicated to living his life for Christ. He was doing so well and was such an inspiration for so many people- including me. I had never known any other man with such a strong heart for God. I have always felt like drinking was not for me, and when I met my boyfriend I thought that God put this desire to not drink in me, because he can't be with someone who drinks. We built such a wonderful relationship, but then about a month ago he started having problems with relapsing after over a year of sobriety. I wouldn't be able to get ahold of him and then I would find out it was because he was drinking. And each time he would tell me that he didn't want to live like that anymore and he wanted to turn his life around again. But then it kept happening, and he'd keep making promises to never see me hurt because of him. Last weekend I found him drunk and then the next day we had a really good conversation and I was really optimistic. He said all he could do was show me that he could do it again. Then this weekend I found out he was drinking again, and I completely lost it. It breaks my heart because I feel like he's choosing alcohol over our relationship. So many people are telling me that I need to back out of this relationship, at least until he gets himself straightened out. But I really don't know what to do. It seems that either way I lose. If I stick around I could be dragged down into this cycle of alcoholism that he's trying to escape, and I could really be hurt. I don't know if I can handle going through this over and over again. But if I leave him, I lose my heart. I love him so much and I don't want to give up, but I want to be realistic also. If I stay am I enabling him? How many chances should I give him? How can I possibly leave him when I love him so much. I was so sure that God had a plan for us together, and I can't be wrong about that. It's breaking my heart having to make this decision and I don't know what to do. So I could really use some advice from people who know what I'm going through.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Only you can decide if you want to stay with this man. But if you stay, know what your future will be. There is a very good chance he will continue to drink. He may quit again. And then start up again. That is often the cycle.
You can't do a thing to help him. Only he can work on his recovery.
You can take a look at what you have and what you want your future to hold. Are you ready for a lifetime of wondering whether he is going to drink or not? Are you ready for all the pain, drama and disruption he may bring to your life? Educating yourselof on alcoholism and getting to Alanon can help you understand what you would be facing if you stay in this relationship.
I know you say you love him but realistically, how well can you know him after only 8 months? And if you don't know him (my opinion being that no one really knows someone else after only 8 months), how can you love him? Are you in love with the idea of being in love, of being there to save him from himself?
As do indeed seem to choose alcohol over their relationships. Its part of their disease.
Read the many stories in here and the information in the stickies. This place is full of support for you. You may hear things you don't wnat to hear, but its all said by people who have lots of experience with living with alcoholics.
You can't do a thing to help him. Only he can work on his recovery.
You can take a look at what you have and what you want your future to hold. Are you ready for a lifetime of wondering whether he is going to drink or not? Are you ready for all the pain, drama and disruption he may bring to your life? Educating yourselof on alcoholism and getting to Alanon can help you understand what you would be facing if you stay in this relationship.
I know you say you love him but realistically, how well can you know him after only 8 months? And if you don't know him (my opinion being that no one really knows someone else after only 8 months), how can you love him? Are you in love with the idea of being in love, of being there to save him from himself?
As do indeed seem to choose alcohol over their relationships. Its part of their disease.
Read the many stories in here and the information in the stickies. This place is full of support for you. You may hear things you don't wnat to hear, but its all said by people who have lots of experience with living with alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Girlfriend
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Welcome to this forum. We're glad you're here...but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, of course.
I too was deeply in love with an alcoholic, and thought that I would die if we weren't together. I thought it was written in the stars that we should be together, that God had a plan. As it turned out, God DID have a plan but it wasn't the one that I'd originally thought....it's not for us to second-guess his will and his wishes.
Please read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum, and educate yourself about the many faces of alcoholism. You may wish to find a local AlAnon meeting (they're for families & friends, not the alcoholics themselves) because they can be a tremendous source of support and ideas.
More will be along to greet you. I just wanted to say hello and tell you that there are many many people here who know exactly what you're going through.
(((hugs)))
GL
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Welcome to this forum. We're glad you're here...but sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, of course.
I too was deeply in love with an alcoholic, and thought that I would die if we weren't together. I thought it was written in the stars that we should be together, that God had a plan. As it turned out, God DID have a plan but it wasn't the one that I'd originally thought....it's not for us to second-guess his will and his wishes.
Please read around, especially the stickies at the top of this forum, and educate yourself about the many faces of alcoholism. You may wish to find a local AlAnon meeting (they're for families & friends, not the alcoholics themselves) because they can be a tremendous source of support and ideas.
More will be along to greet you. I just wanted to say hello and tell you that there are many many people here who know exactly what you're going through.
(((hugs)))
GL
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Hun, so sorry you are going through all of this. I know its hard when you love someone, you dont want to see them go through all this pain and madness and you dont want to either.
I wouldnt tell you what to do, but I always say, go with your gut feeling only. Push away all the emotions as they will heal. Do whatever your gut reaction is telling you. True, 8 months isnt that long and youve only known him that long. Try 15 years of this, it will screw your mind up hun, You are young and the road you choose will determine your destiny.
Good Luck
I wouldnt tell you what to do, but I always say, go with your gut feeling only. Push away all the emotions as they will heal. Do whatever your gut reaction is telling you. True, 8 months isnt that long and youve only known him that long. Try 15 years of this, it will screw your mind up hun, You are young and the road you choose will determine your destiny.
Good Luck
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, gf, glad you found us out here in cyberspace. Lots of wisdom to be found on this board and lots of great people who will support you. Of course you love him. But as someone once told me, "We can love our alcoholics, but sometimes we have to love them at a distance."
Perhaps you should really look at what it is that is tearing you up inside so badly. Of course, watching a loved one spiraling downwards and losing the battle - at least for the time being - hurts us deeply. But I've found I hurt the most and feel I'm really losing it when I want to force a solution; namely MY solution. I want the A to wake up, smell the coffee, see the light, have a blinding revelation that he's trashing himself, and for cryin' out loud - STRAIGHTEN UP.
But I have to keep in mind that I, just like the rest of the folks here, am dealing with alcohol - baffling, cunning, powerful. My suggestion to you? Get into Al-Anon and start dealing with your hurt. Realize you cannot save another human being from himself. His addiction is his to own.
Believe me, I really feel for you. My AH is in the final stages of the disease; he's little more than a malnourished zombie who drinks and remains in bed passed out for hours on end. He hasn't gone to work in three weeks. I looked at him last night and I saw before me a sunken body with little more than loose skin hanging from the bones. I didn't feel angry any longer. I felt deep pain and sadness. I've done all I can do to get him help. He doesn't want help. Thus, he alone is responsible for chosing life or death.
However, since it appears he may never hit a bottom and we may lose everything we own, I have no choice but to save myself. Staying in this situation is doing me no good. And that's of crucial importance - being good to myself and doing what is best for me, regardless of my feelings. I've found that making major life decisions doesn't allow my emotions to figure into the equation. I have to use my common sense, gut instincts, and do what is in my best interests.
Perhaps you should really look at what it is that is tearing you up inside so badly. Of course, watching a loved one spiraling downwards and losing the battle - at least for the time being - hurts us deeply. But I've found I hurt the most and feel I'm really losing it when I want to force a solution; namely MY solution. I want the A to wake up, smell the coffee, see the light, have a blinding revelation that he's trashing himself, and for cryin' out loud - STRAIGHTEN UP.
But I have to keep in mind that I, just like the rest of the folks here, am dealing with alcohol - baffling, cunning, powerful. My suggestion to you? Get into Al-Anon and start dealing with your hurt. Realize you cannot save another human being from himself. His addiction is his to own.
Believe me, I really feel for you. My AH is in the final stages of the disease; he's little more than a malnourished zombie who drinks and remains in bed passed out for hours on end. He hasn't gone to work in three weeks. I looked at him last night and I saw before me a sunken body with little more than loose skin hanging from the bones. I didn't feel angry any longer. I felt deep pain and sadness. I've done all I can do to get him help. He doesn't want help. Thus, he alone is responsible for chosing life or death.
However, since it appears he may never hit a bottom and we may lose everything we own, I have no choice but to save myself. Staying in this situation is doing me no good. And that's of crucial importance - being good to myself and doing what is best for me, regardless of my feelings. I've found that making major life decisions doesn't allow my emotions to figure into the equation. I have to use my common sense, gut instincts, and do what is in my best interests.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2
Thanks for all your advice.
I've been a wreck trying to decide what to do. Everyone I've talked to is pretty much telling me to do what's right for me, and to leave my heart out of it because it's too sensitive. But I also just had a good talk with my boyfriend, and he told me he's signed up to go to a treatment center soon, and he's very willing to do it. He doesn't want this life anymore, and he knows it's the devil that sent him down the wrong path again. We've struggled before in our relationship and I felt like the devil was trying to get us apart because we could be really strong for God together. I feel like God wants to use us for something big for Him, and the devil is scared about that. My boyfriend said that he knows he has a lot to prove to me and to our families, but he wants a chance to do that. The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that he can do this and we can be better. But I didn't give him an answer. I've decided not to make any quick decisions, but to rely on God and search for His answer. I'm still very confused but at least I've stopped crying for now.
I've been a wreck trying to decide what to do. Everyone I've talked to is pretty much telling me to do what's right for me, and to leave my heart out of it because it's too sensitive. But I also just had a good talk with my boyfriend, and he told me he's signed up to go to a treatment center soon, and he's very willing to do it. He doesn't want this life anymore, and he knows it's the devil that sent him down the wrong path again. We've struggled before in our relationship and I felt like the devil was trying to get us apart because we could be really strong for God together. I feel like God wants to use us for something big for Him, and the devil is scared about that. My boyfriend said that he knows he has a lot to prove to me and to our families, but he wants a chance to do that. The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that he can do this and we can be better. But I didn't give him an answer. I've decided not to make any quick decisions, but to rely on God and search for His answer. I'm still very confused but at least I've stopped crying for now.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Welcome GF! I'm sorry about your situation, but I enjoyed reading your two posts. Yes, I think also "God wants to use us for something big for Him." I really like your perspective, your insight into the situation and I think your head is on straight! I do not think that God wants us taken down by the alcoholic, and that is the true dilemma with having a relationship with an alcoholic. I spent 10 months believing that God was calling me to somehow get my XABF into rehab, and I found that I could not do it. I could be a good influence in his life, and I could make sure that inspirational material, CDs, etc., "magically appeared" in the mail and ended up in his hands. But ultimately he has decided so far to reject deliverance from the alcoholism.
I don't have answers for you, but please take care of yourself, keep your distance (and sanity!), love him in Christ, pray for him, and realize it may take years for him to come around, if he ever does. Most importantly don't lose faith in your HP! You have friends on here to lean on!
I don't have answers for you, but please take care of yourself, keep your distance (and sanity!), love him in Christ, pray for him, and realize it may take years for him to come around, if he ever does. Most importantly don't lose faith in your HP! You have friends on here to lean on!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 24
i am so sorry you are going through this, i have lived with my ABF for 8 years and have made the decision to get out. i know that for me i can't live this way anymore, he's lost this 3rd job in 3 months due to the fact he can't start his day till he drinks a 6 pack. he gets up at 6 a.m and the first thing he does is pop a beer. all his money when he does work goes on his drinking while i pay all the bills. my life is miserable right now, no desire to clean the house or eat or anything functional. so for me the only way is out. not sure if this helps you but for me it's never gotten better.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by TheGirlfriend 
and he told me he's signed up to go to a treatment center soon, and he's very willing to do it.
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