ICU

This is the second time I’ve gone out to a store in the past year or so and have been approached by a man without asking or hinting that I want to be approached.

Around 9:00 this morning I was at Home Depot looking for a piece of shelving. I was walking throughout the store looking at different things first and I noticed this man in an orange t-shirt. I noticed him because it seemed like every aisle I went in, he was there too. To be honest though, I thought he worked there because Home Depot employees wear orange…I think a vest!

Anyway, I finally ended up in the aisle with shelving. The piece I selected was a bit large, and heavy. He approached me and asked “are you building a shelving unit”? I said “no”, and went about my business.

He saw I was struggling with the piece and without asking me, grabbed it as I was trying to get it off the shelf.. He introduced himself and extended his hand. I shook his hand and then he got real close to me and kissed me on the cheek. Initially, I was stunned. I then said don’t do that. You just don’t kiss someone that you have just met. You are being overly friendly. I asked if he worked here and he said no. Then I quickly reached out to get the shelf back and said I have to bring it to get cut. He carried it over to the place where they do that. I just followed like a defeated, controlled little child. Quite frankly I was speechless.

I gave the dimensions to the ‘real employee’ that cut the shelf and went to get a cart to carry it in. When I returned, the first man was gone. I asked the ‘real employee’ which direction he went because I wanted to go in the opposite direction. I wanted to loose him.

So, I go about my business and he then appears in the same aisle I am in again and offers to give me his business card. He does building and home repair work apparently. I said I live in an apt. and all the work is done by the maintenance staff. I handed him back his card and he took off. I was very careful as I walked out of the store to be sure he wasn’t following me.

Then I had an altercation with an employee in the parking lot. He was gathering carts and wanted mine. He was waiting by my car for me to unload all my purchases, with the pretense of helping me. He was moving things out of my cart without me asking him too. Again, help I didn’t want. I told him to stop as I wasn’t ready as I needed to rearrange things in my back seat to accommodate the shelving sizes. After telling him politely I will leave the cart when I’m done, he just stood there waiting for me to finish. I finally said, look, I’m going to be awhile and you are making me nervous. Would you please leave me alone? He finally took off.

I was shaking driving home. All I could think about was being home and safe, and alone. And I’m trying to figure out why I’m approached like this.

I keep thinking we attract what we send out. So what the heck are the signals I’m sending out to be approached this way? I’m wasn’t dressed sexy at all. I had no make up on, my hair was not done, and I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Is it the clothes? Is it me? Is it just who they are?

All I know is this happened several hours ago and I’m still shaking. And on top of it all, I’m angry at myself for not pitching a LOUD major fit and standing my ground more firmly. I keep thinking I should have done that. And I probably should have reported them both to Home Depot management but I didn’t. I just wanted to get the heck out of there and go home, where I’m safe. I guess I’m disappointed in myself. Although I did speak out somewhat, apparently I wasn't effective. That scares me.

Is it just me, or would this bother any of you?

DesertEyes

Hey there G (((( hugs ))))

I'm really sorry you had to deal with this. There is absolutely no excuse for what was done to you by these vermin.

Who says you were supposed to pitch a major fit. You are home safe and unhurt, _that_ is what matters. _How_ you got out is irrelevant.

You have the right to dress up or down any way you want. There is _no_ excuse for their behavior. None.

I can't answer that over the web. But you can answer it for yourself by going to your local police station and signing up for some self-defense classes. They also have them thru the YWCA. Those people will be able to answer that question for you, and if you need to make any changes to increase your self-confidence they can show you how.

Yes. There's nasty vermin in the world. Snakes, scorpions, buzzards, and these two guys. It is _not_ your fault that they exist.

No, it's not just you. What they did is completely unacceptable. You are totally justified in being furious at them.

I'm really glad you got home safe.

Mike

ARealLady

I think you handled yourself well.

I probably would have screamed HEEEEEEEEEEELP if anybody had dared touch me inappropriately let alone kiss me (in fact, that's the advice I read if somebody tries to grope you on public transport).

That other Home Depot customer was way out of line and has no business soliciting his business inside HD let alone bothering HD customers. If there is a next time with a situation like this, go straight to the Information Desk and report the incident.

It is NOT you! You showed, by your actions, that you have very clear personal boundaries. Too bad that others don't.

Re the overly-helpful employee in the car park, I am going to suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was new and too enthusiastic. Maybe, he didn't speak English and really didn't understand your message to him.

Glad to read that you got home safely. Pamper yourself now!

ARL

ICU

Thanks Mike and ARL!

I think once I got beyond the shock of the kiss and the total disregard and lack of respect for me as a human being I felt two things...fear at first, then anger.

The one that kissed me was stalking me throughout the store. And then he made physical contact. That's scary enough for obvious reasons.

But both of them treated me like I was incompetent. I think this is what's sticking in my head the most. It's a repeat of history with previous male figures in my life. I would get insensed when treated as if I was incompetent. After all the recovery I've gone through over the past 2.5 years, this is 'still' the type of man that I attract? And I'm not even trying to attract anybody!

With the first man that kissed me, I was in shock and minimized it in the moment. A survival skill perhaps? I hate it when I do that! Quite frankly, I think he deserved a slap in the face once he kissed me. But, I'm not a violent person. At the very least, I should have laced into him much harder verbally and then reported him. I think I was just too in shock to react the way I think I should have.

The second man, well, yeah, maybe he was being overly enthusiastic, but still, he had no right to touch the merchandise in my cart without asking my permission first. I'm sure some of my fear and anger at the first guy was spent on the second one to a certain degree. But how much can one take in a period of 15 minutes?

I mean it's Home Depot for corn's sake! I wasn't at a club or a bar, not that that would have made it right either. I'm sure I'll be having nightmares tonight.

hadenoughnow

I have had guys follow me in stores and or approach me a few times. The most effective thing I have found is to be very unfriendly (this goes against what women are taught but who cares when safety is involved).

The last time it happened walked away from my full cart, straight out of the store and took out my cell phone and called a friend and (in case the guy followed me).

Women are afraid of being thought of as being rude, weirdos take advantage of that.

GiveLove

ICU,

Sorry you had such a bad time at Home Depot! it's one of my favorite places to go (I'm kind of a home improvement nut) and the thought of having it made into an uncomfortable place for you just stinks.

There is nothing so sickening as the sense of entitlement that men like your fellow customer have -- the thought that he had even the remotest right to touch you at all is gross enough, but a kiss? He had a right to kiss you...why? Was he Jesus? The Dalai freaking Lama?

You can't go back and change what happened, but you can analyze the situation in your head (or on paper) and map out a different plan for yourself should anything like that ever happen again. LET yourself be mad - he was way out of line, and in some states could've been arrested for that.

If you remember his name (from his card) I would definitely approach the manager of your store and have a nice quiet conversation about your experience. They don't take kindly to anyone who interferes with their customers' purchase process, and they sure don't like when people solicit on the premises.

I understand that deer-in-the-headlights feeling...not reacting right away because you're so shocked. It may have taken a few minutes for the shock to sink in. The trick for me has just been to slowly close the gap between these kinds of shocks, and the time when the proper reaction kicks in. I'm working on having it be instantaneous (as in going OFF when someone kisses you) but I'll settle for getting a little better every time...

As for the guy in the parking lot, I know that my HD's cart boys are a mixture of non-English-native-speakers, borderline mentally disabled (employed by special permit), and just plain not very bright. Many of them are young and have few social skills...that's why they're collecting carts for a living. I would not take this nearly as personally, but would definitely practice what you will say & do next time. You don't have to get mad, but you can block his way and say exactly what you said to yours.

Hopefully this was just a freaky day at Home Depot, and won't ever repeat itself.

Take care
GiveLove

denny57

Heck, yeah, it would bother me.

There have been many great points made about the actual incidents, so nothing new from me.

What caught my eye immediately was the thread title: over-reacting and overly sensitive - the words I heard over and over from a verbal abuser. Much of the work I've done and continue to do on myself involves this area. I can't put an exact finger on it, but I do believe I gave off a certain body language when I was uncertain of myself - and at the end of 18 years with an alcoholic, I was very uncertain.

BTW, it sounds like the guy in the orange shirt probably does that at all the Home Depots - it's probably not a coincidence he wears "their" color.

I think it's great you wish you had said something different. Practice it in front of the mirror and next time it happens, you're ready. I have noticed that the clearer I have become in verbalizing my personal boundaries, even to strangers, the easier it gets and people react just fine.

embraced2000

i agree.....i bet the orange shirt guy is a real weirdo and stalks the stores.

you have every right to be upset for being treated like that......please remember....how others act is not your fault. i think that living with the effects of alcoholism, we often think everything is our fault, when indeed, it is not.

denny has a geat suggestion about rethinking how you will handle the next situation should it pop up. for instance......do not touch me, and leave me alone....said in a direct, stern, eye to eye contact form. then be very alert when leaving the parking lot should he be looking for your car and license number.

creep. that was just downright creepy.

i once had a man call me and ask me to his room (i work in the lodging industry), have another man call me to his room about a problem with his room, and he answered the door naked, and then a customer called to book a room and he asked me to go skinny dipping in the pool when he came........all in the same day!!!!

i felt like i had the bad word that starts with "s" tattooed on my forehead and thought i was giving out the vibes that made these men behave this way towards me. it made me feel guilty and ashamed. then i got angry.

so the next time something similiar happened, i handed the man his credit card back, and told him he needed to leave. he looked at me stupified, and questioned why he couldn't have a room here......i said....because i don't tolerate being spoken to like that or having the housekeepers treated like that, also. so, now you must leave.

i felt triumphant. it was freeing to know i didn't have to tolerate bad behavior just to rent a room.

i'm glad you are safe.....and please, don't blame yourself for these creeps bad behaviors.

2Growstrong

The world is full of creeps and rude and scary people. I like the self defense class idea, think I'll look into that myself. I read a book a while back called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It is interesting and instead of making you more afraid it helps you understand that when you have a "feeling" to listen to it. For instance how so many people tell stories about how their dogs warned them about "bad" people being at the door. When in reality WE know a bad person is at the door and our dogs are reading US! Anyway the book is full of practical advice...maybe it would be helpful to you. Often women in particular have a lack of self confidence and men can pick up on it in a heartbeat. In a perfect world we could politely or even not so politely let people know we aren't interested and they would go away. In todays world seems you need to know how to be a Total B and carry a stun gun. I wouldn't hesitiate for a second to make a scene...or notify the store manager that someone is harassing you...and he was giving you unwanted attention so he was harassing you. A normal nice guy would never do what he did.......sounds more like some inappropriate "addict" behavior. I agree this is probably his modus operendi. Wonder if it ever works for him? Yuck!

SaTiT

what do mean...you mean you attract stockers?lol

A bit too strong for me. Who knows, maybe that guy
had never asked or knows how to approch women.
Well you know, most guys just talked like they know
what the heck...but no one had actaully ever gave me
instructions...never the less be care.

well, at least you're not a drunk and getting hit up on in bars.
Becuase if you were , you wouldn't notice stuff like that.

and on the flip side...you still have it..lol

ICU

I thought I had been unfriendly, and actually a little ‘blunt’ when he asked if I was building a shelving unit and all I said was “no” and went about my business without engaging in further dialogue.


That’s been a problem for me as long as I can remember. I’ve got to learn to shorten that gap too!


This was the case yesterday, I don’t think he was mentally disabled though (but I do know what you are talking about). I got the impression it wasn’t a language or comprehension issue, but rather a battle of the wills kind of thing.


Yeah, verbal abuse has left’s it’s little blue print on me too. My body language is something I need to take a closer look at.


Great point! I wonder how many other women he’s approached like this?


Agreed. I think my words lacked ‘proper delivery’ and therefore had little to no impact. I’ll have to work on that.


Love how you handled that! I’ll have to work on that myself.


See, that’s just the thing. Although my words were ineffective, he must have been reading something about my body language as he was stalking me for several aisles before he ever spoke to me. I ‘felt’ confident with what I was doing. I had my notes with shelf dimensions with me, my folding ruler and was going from piece to piece until I found exactly what I was looking for. But, perhaps my body language was saying something different. Or perhaps just the fact that ‘a woman’ was by the lumber section at all automatically made me stick out as having a lack of self confidence in what is normally considered to be ‘a man’s’ aisle. That’s what I’d like to know, but, there’s no way to get that answer so I’ll have to let it go.

Oh, and thanks for the reco on the book. It sounds interesting. I’ll see if the library has it.


Well, if that’s true, I don’t want it. Can I exchange it?

Thanks everyone. I’ll start paying more attention to my body language and practice what I would say should something like that ever happen again.

Additionally, I’m going back to HD today and talk with the store manager. Nothing can be done about yesterday, but if I can warn them about this man in the orange t-shirt, at least they can keep a look out for him. If nothing else, maybe I can prevent this from happening to another woman in that particular store. I’ll also advise them to instruct their cart people not to start helping a customer with their purchases until they get the customer’s permission first!

embraced2000

icu, i'm still kinda hearing that you felt that you held some responsibility in these mens behavior.

i wasn't there, so i don't really know. but i'm betting that you did nothing wrong for these things to happen. you are not responsible for others behaviors. now, how you react to these things are your responsiblilty....imho.

please don't feel guilty or responsible for what they did. you were just shopping. stop them dead in their tracks next time it happens, and do it like you mean it.

from what i know of you here in cyberworld, i get the impression that you are a terrific woman. please try not to feel like you did something wrong.....they were the ones that were all wacked out!

big ole lovin hugs to you
jeri

ICU

Awwww….thanks Jeri. You are very kind.


Do it like I mean it!!! That reminds me of a character I’ve been amused by on a tv show (well, on DVD) I’ve been watching recently.

As a result, I think I need to work on 'sharpening my Sophia Petrillo verbalization skills'! Sophia was the older mother on The Golden Girls. She apparently had a stroke which destroyed a part of her brain that censored what she said. Now THAT lady could tell it like it is and no one doubted that she meant it! LOL!!! Yup…I wanna be like Sophia, but only to those that are deserving of it, like the two men yesterday.

Thanks and hugs!!

keepingmyjoy

I remember reading somewhere that your posture is important. Glad you will look at that. Eye contact is also huge....I agree you must learn to make direct eye contact with a firm stance. I have had to do this, and getting better at it. Now, I even take a step forward, get in their face with full eye contact and tell them "Get away from me now!" I was very abused badly by first husband and had to relearn to walk with confidence, even if I had none, etc. It takes practice, but so worth it. When you see it work, it is so empowering. (of course, this works in a public environment, not when you are truly alone....)
:ghug

ICU

Hmmmm....I too was abused by my ex (bf). I never thought that might have had an impact on my stance. Emotionally, yes, for sure. But the effects of that on my physical posture and body language...now that's something to give some thought to for sure. Thank you!

P.S. Glad you are out of your previous situation with your first husband. Good for you!

ICU

In doing a preliminary search on the internet for 'women's body language and self defence'....I found this....

Self-confidence shows itself in the first place in the body language and in the voice. During the first contact between a woman or girl and a potential attacker the body language is especially important: before starting an attack the attacker often keeps watching several women or girls. In this time the communication is lead by means of body language, which so takes an important part in the decision if the attack takes place or not.

Taken from this link (I didn't read the entire thing yet though): http://www.hegubald.com/engl/kap/e-Body_Language/

Now I'm not saying in my case this guy was planning on attacking me (but there were some huge red flags awavin' for sure), but he was stalking me from aisle to aisle...etc.

Think I found a new subject to read and learn about. Will also look at some in- person courses too.

I mean yesterday it was twice in 15 minutes....I think my HP is trying to tell me something...and I'm gonna listen!

fluffyflea

I've been having some encounters recently with wierdos,

one was an insurance guy who because I was cancelling my poilicies had me on redial speed dial and wouldn't stop calling, still calling at 9:30 that night got nasty on the phone with me so I called the company and put in a complaint. he behaved like every abuser I've ever known.

Then a furnace guy who when I called to have my furnace cleaned took it upon himself to tell me how to say my last name in french. well he was totally wrong first of all and I was calling for my furnace cleaning not a grammer lesson so I hung up on him and called someone else.

I think it's just them, it's nothing to do with us, it's important that we take care of ourselves and get out of their line of fire.

Ngaire